TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
We all watch as Tris rises from the chair, stumbling slightly. I look at Christina as her hands ball into fists, and her eyes fill with tears, yet she doesn't begin to cry. I like to think I know Christina, she never seemed like the kind of person who would cry in front of so many people, she was probably waiting until the majority left, and Tris could see how much her choice truly affected Christina.
"I got our weapons back." Tobias held out my gun, I falter for a moment, not knowing why, before grabbing it and placing it into jeans. I watch as Tris begins to make her way over to us.
"We should go." Christina would want to talk to Tris, or yell, something. But I doubt she would want a live audience to watch.
"I need to give Tris her knife back." I sigh and shake my head.
"Leave it here, but we should go."
"You aren't going to wait for her?" I admit, another reason I wanted to leave with Tobias was to talk about what he said in the chair, about me being the reason he never left Dauntless and stopped him from doing who-knows-what else, but I was no longer thinking about that. I have never been a jealous person, but something about how they have been acting together lately is making me feel nauseous.
"No, I want to talk to you." I cross my arms.
"We can leave when I give Tris her knife."
"What is so important that you have to give it to her directly?" I stop before I start saying more things, I am unable to create a coherent thought and I would hate to hear what would spew out of my mouth, especially if it is something I'm scared of admitting... or realising. "Doesn't matter." I began to follow Candor out.
"Y/n-"
"It doesn't matter." I was getting sick of this. Isn't there meant to be a honeymoon period? Where everything is great and arguments are never a thing, ours must have only been a few days, since then... everything has been a argument. As I walk towards the sleeping arrangements I try to stop my mind from running, I start imagining that he didn't feel relief from the serum when he said my name, and wanted to say another's, the next sense of relief was when he told the truth on the next question.
He has kept so much from me, and yet he knows almost everything about me, maybe he does know everything... I can't remember. I arrive at the end of the hallway and see three cots, one by itself and two together. Out of spite I want to take the single one, but I'm scared to what I would find in the morning if I did. I lie down on the one closest to the wall, keeping my back to the rest of the hallway. And I don't know why, but tears start streaming down my face. I have no reason to cry, and I make no noise, but I continue crying. More thoughts plague my mind and I still can't tell what I am crying over, they're all so jumbled.
I hate this.... I hate this. He doesn't love me, I'm the one he chose because he couldn't get his first choice. He never listens, when was the last time we properly talked? Not a talk that ended horribly and made us think about what we were gonna have to do to survive, but a talk where our relationship got better for it. Was talking about his mom a good one? Surely not, we finished with knowing we might have to join the factionless cause they could fuck us over if we didn't.
I want to die.
I continue to cry, being scared of my own thoughts. I don't want to die, do I? There is no reason as to why I would, everything is just a small issue. But isn't that the issue? There is no big problem it's just continuous little ones, and they slowly plague my days more and more and they work their way into my heart and my thought process.
I'm no longer the same person I was at the choosing ceremony, I'm not the same person I was when I walked into that test room. I might have had a horrible time in Amity but never once did I want to die, cause it was the same big problem every single time, it got easier to deal with. How do you deal with tiny problems that keep flying at you like tiny fleas that are too small to ping off?
My breathing stops as I hear the bed behind me move. I move slowly and look at Tobias. "What did you want to talk about?" That's another problem, he probably meant it as an act of love, but I saw it as a declaration of someone regretting their choices.
"I wanted to talk privately, this isn't privately." Tobias continued to look away from me but I heard him sigh.
"I told you I needed to give Tris her knife." I sat up. Tobias followed as we both glared at each other.
"You didn't need to give her knife back, you wanted to. I needed to talk to there is a fucking difference." I stop as someone stirs. "Since you seem to have them both confused, maybe you need to share a bed with her." I climb over him and go to walk away before he grabs my wrist.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I-" And I stop, what am I talking about? I'm mad because of... reasons my mind is making up, am I just overreacting... possibly. "I don't know." I pull my wrist back. "Can you tell me?"
"What?"
"Can you tell me why I am acting like this? Why I have such a bad feeling in my stomach whenever I see you and Tris..." My eyes begin to well up again. "Can you tell me why I have a feeling I can't trust you?"
Tobias looked at me shocked for a moment, and I wait for him to tell me something, a reason to get back in the bed, but he just sneers. "I'm not dealing with this." He swings around and places his back to me. No feelings, I have no feelings to how he reacted. I nod and feel a weight off of my shoulders.
"Don't worry... you don't have to." I turn around and begin walking, I decide to start climbing stairs, wanting to be back where I was when I was being interviewed. I could hear footsteps behind me, they sounded like they were trying to be quiet and I could only assume it was Tris. Once I got to a corner around the twelfth floor, I stopped and looked at her.
She looked back at me. We both stayed quiet, not sure what to say. "What do you want?" Her mouth opens and closes a few times.
"I don't know." Her face had guilty written all over it. "I wanted to make sure you were okay-" I smiled in disbelief and shook my head.
"No, you didn't." I walk down the few steps. "You don't care how I am, tell me, why are you really here?" She wanted to ask, I know she did, but she also had a tinge of fear in her eyes, as if one wrong word would send her down the stairs. "I'm done with people hiding things from me Tris, please I am begging, just tell me." I was honestly begging, people were to used to holding things back whether it for my sake or theirs, and I was so tired.
Evelyn's voice bounced around in my head, remember you are temporary I am permanent. "I-" Tris kept stuttering. The twisting feeling in my stomach was slowly getting worse. I shook my head, turning on my heel and continuing my walk to the eighteenth floor.
"I want to be alone, if you follow me," I looked back at Tris. "I will hurt you." The threat was a stupid one, I had barely any memory of what the amphitheatre looked like, I had no clue what I would be able to use to go forward with my threat. Then again, the stairs were always a viable option.
I continue walking, feeling myself getting faster and faster the closer I got to the floor. When I made it, I stopped, I took a few deep breaths and looked around the room once again. I look over at the old rickety chair I had been sat in, how could something so meek cause the whole night to go tits up?
Deep down I knew it wasn't the chair I was mad at, or maybe it was, for making Tobias admit his regret, but yet it was another thing I doubt Tobias would have ever told me. I grabbed the chair and put the front two legs on my shoulder and pulled it over to the benches, climbing them slowly before pushing the chair through the top window.
I dusted the glass off of my shirt and swung myself up onto the ledge, pushing off the chair in the process. I watched as it fell... and fell... and fell before a bang sounded and parts of the ruined chair flew everywhere. I smiled slightly as I looked into the city. Erudite was still working, and still had their lights full blast.
I look back down at the broken chair and stand up, holding onto the wall. My heart thumped against my chest as I continued looking down, trying to keep my knees steady. And I think of Al, how he looked over a ledge before he jumped, how long did it take him to do so? Did he try convincing himself not to?
And I understand Al and why he had done what he did. For the first time ever I am not tired of my surroundings or my circumstances... I am tired of me. I am tired of Y/n. I don't like what I have become, or what I was in Amity, was I born like that? Or was I a natural screw up? Do I still have in me what I had in Amity and Dauntless?
I hold onto the wall but push my body further, till I feel my hand strain. I look down at the chair. Any further, and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I honestly feel as if I could let go and just drop, but something is stopping me, I don't have a reason to stay. I would say Tobias but...
But Tobias is a reason to stay isn't he? Even if it is only to have one more fight, put everything on the table and then resume this position. Maybe I would be able to sort whatever is happening, but it is always me fixing it, Tobias listens to nobody but Tobias.
And his mother.
My eyes narrow as I think of the horrible woman, I couldn't tell if I disliked her or Jeanine more. She had no right to say I was temporary, she had no right to try and intimidate me. Had no rights to make threats towards me. Remember you are temporary, I am permanent. I have a knack for building armies too. You'll do best if you stay out of my way.
She's the reason, she's the reason to stay alive. I climb down from the window. Because I want to kill that bitch.
When I make it back to the cots, it's early morning. Tris is gone but Tobias is still sitting in bed. I climbed into the single cot and felt my body relax. "Where did you go?" And my body tensed again, pain filling up my back as I tried to stop myself from curling into a ball.
"Does it matter?" Tobias huffs.
"I would just like to know where you were, it's not a big deal." I yawn and nod.
"I know it's not." I waited until everything had went quiet and I heard footsteps walk away. I sighed and turned over surprised to see Tobias still sitting on the other cot. "Oh." I groaned. I stretched and sat up, looking at Tobias with a tired face. "Get on with it."
"Do you trust me?" I sit and think for a moment. There are a lot of things I would trust Tobias with more than others, but that is the trusting of jobs. Would I trust him with my life? Yes. Do I trust him?
"No." Tobias pulls back slightly and sits with a more tense back. I stay lazy, leaning on my leg. "For many reasons, tell me do you want to have that talk now, Four?" I revert to Four before realising what I was saying, and I mentally scold myself for taking on such a arrogant tone.
"I don't appreciate you talking down to me, Y/n."
"Why? Not used to it number one? Four? Tobias Eaton, what name do you prefer again I forget sometimes." I sit up straight. "Do you want the one where you get respect? Get respect? Or from the fucking factionless, get respect! I wasn't talking down to you, I would never talk down to you because for some reason I chose to go out with someone that is nearly a fucking idol, everywhere he walks! You would never understand the meaning of talking down to," I stand up, no longer tired. "If it bit you in the ass!" I start walking away, breathless. I didn't have a want to say those things before... right?
"I was talked down to before, Y/n." I let out a frustrated sigh as I heard the way he used my name.
"I know I stopped you from doing something, and you regret it now, but my name is not something you can spit out, you don't get to do that." Tobias' eyes widen slightly but he decided to ignore my first statement.
"And why not?" Tobias stood up now, and stared me down. I glared back.
"Because everyone else does, you do not get to do that, that is not your place. I have done nothing to you to deserve that!"
"You just said you didn't trust me!" Tobias was yelling now, not like I was. I raised my voice, making sure he could hear me. But the way his voice rumbled in his throat, I got scared. I shake my head as I feel tears welling in my eyes. "Why the fuck do you not trust me?!"
"You want to know?" My voice was quiet now as I smiled sadly, I looked Tobias in the eye. "Because my boyfriend's supposed dead mother is walking and creating an army. Because my boyfriend wouldn't even tell me he regretted staying in Dauntless. Because..." I sigh and feel a tear fall down my cheek. "Because my ex-boyfriend would rather stay with a different girl than be somewhere else and talk with me."
"That is ridiculous, Y-" Tobias stopped. I nodded.
"See you later, Four." I turned on my heel and go to check out the other sleeping room.
2547 words. So do you hate me? Or do you hate me? - Hollie