A/N-
Major Trigger Warning: suicide (you know what's coming) but there are also suicidal thoughts throughout this chapter and a few future chapters too.
-
The three of you eventually fell asleep, Henry promising to wake you up every few hours because of the possible concussion which you appreciated, but hated at the same time.
He had done it a few times throughout the night, so when something woke you up in the early hours of the morning, you figured it was Henry once again, but you were wrong. Very wrong.
Ellie and Sam suddenly burst through their bedroom door and tumbled onto the ground in the main room. Sam crawled on top of the girl, growling and snarling while Ellie whimpered, holding him back desperately.
It took a solid couple of seconds for your brain to process what you were seeing, and when you realised, your entire world came crashing down around you.
Sam was infected.
No. That couldn't be possible. Not Sam. Not little Sam, no. No.
"Joel!" Ellie cried for help over Sam's loud growls.
The loud bang of a gunshot had you snapping into action. You jumped to your feet to find Henry and Joel already standing. Henry had Joels revolver in his hands, a bullet already in the carpet by Joels feet.
Joels face twisted up in anger and desperation as he raised his hands, frantically looking between Ellie struggling on the ground across the room and the gun Henry still had aimed at him. You could practically see the internal fight going on inside of Joel, the man wanting to save Ellie, but unable to do so.
You found yourself frozen where you stood, not knowing what to do before Henry suddenly turned away from Joel and shot his little brother through the head, silencing his infected growls.
For an endless span of time, nobody moved or said anything.
Ellie sat breathing heavily on the ground beside Sam's dead body. A pool of dark crimson blood seeping into the dirty carpet around his head.
He was dead. Sam was really dead.
Tears burned in the back of your eyes as you stared at the body of the little boy who you considered a brother. After everything Sam had been through, after everything he had survived, this was what killed him.
"Ellie." Joel said, breaking the silence as the little girl looked over at him with wide terrified eyes. "Are you okay?"
Joel took a step forward, but Henry quickly trained the gun back on him, stopping him from going anywhere.
"Easy, easy, easy." Joel said calmly, holding his hands out towards him. "Henry, give me the gun."
Henry wasn't listening though, his tear-filled eyes looking between Sam and Joel as he shook his head at himself, but he didn't lower the weapon.
Without thinking, you stepped in front of Joel. The gun now aimed at you instead because although you knew Henry, you didn't trust him enough not to shoot Joel right now while he was in this headspace. But you knew he would never shoot you.
"P-Put the gun down, Henry. Please, put the gun down." You said, your voice barely above a whisper.
"What did I do? What-what-what did I do?" He mumbled, his wide teary eyes locking with yours before he looked over at his brother, and his voice broke. "Sam?"
"Henry, give me the gun." Joel calmly instructed from behind you. "Give me the gun. Henry, give me the gun."
Henry glanced at Joel over your shoulder before his pained eyes met yours and he turned the gun on himself.
"Henry, no!" Joel yelled.
Your mouth opened in a silent scream, but there was nothing you could do except watch in utter terror as Henry squeezed the trigger.
Your body recoiled in horror as your best friend fell to the ground. His body now as lifeless as Sam's.
Tears slipped from your eyes and trickled down your face. Your chest grew so tight it became hard to breathe. Your knees trembled and quaked, threatening to give out as you took a stumbling step backwards.
Your back collided into Joels chest and he quickly grabbed your shoulders, stopping you from falling over.
"Y/N, I-" He began to say, but didn't get to finish before you shrugged off his grip and rushed out the front door.
You slammed the door shut and took a few shaky steps outside before grabbing onto the pillar and leaning over, feeling as though you were going to throw up. Tears continued to pour down your face, bile rising in your throat, but you didn't throw up.
After a few seconds, you stumbled out into the empty parking lot in front of the motel before dropping to your knees. You looked up at the sky above you and screamed. You screamed until your voice broke before burying your face into your hands and breaking down completely.
-
Joel had tried to talk you into coming back inside. Saying that their bodies were now wrapped in some old curtain, but you refused. You didn't want to be in that room. That very same room where Henry and Sam should still be standing. You didn't want to be there without them, you didn't even want to breathe the air that they should be breathing.
Joel dug their graves behind the motel without you having to ask or help. You didn't move from where you sat in the parking lot for a long time until you saw Joel stepping out the room with Sam's body in his arms.
You stood up and walked over to him silently, holding your arms out and motioning for Joel to pass the boy to you. His little body was bound with a faded yellow curtain, but blood was already staining the material around his head.
"You don't have to." Joel said gently, but you shook your head.
"Give him to me." You instructed, speaking for the first time. Your own voice sounding foreign to your ears.
Joel simply nodded before he gently passed Sam over and went back into the room to pick up Henry. You carried Sam around the back to where Joel had dug the holes and you carefully lowered his small body down into one of them.
"I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm so sorry." You whispered while signing the words out of habit, tears burning in your eyes once again.
Ellie appeared beside you, staring down at the grave with a blank expression, like she was still in shock and trying to process everything. You didn't say anything to her, what could you say? So, instead, you picked up one of the shovels on the ground and began to shovel the dirt, burying Sam's body.
Joel did the same with Henry and once he was finished, he took a step back to give you some space as you knelt down beside Henrys grave and placed your hand over the fresh dirt.
You felt like you should say something. But what were you meant to say? Nothing you could say would bring him back, it wouldn't bring either of them back, so what was the point?
Ellie reappeared, dumping Joel's backpack and scoped rifle on the ground beside him, before placing your rifle and Henrys backpack near you. The girl didn't say a word as she walked over to Sam's grave and placed his writing pad over the top, the words 'I'm sorry' written on it.
"Which ways west?" Ellie asked, breaking the long silence.
Joel nodded his head to the left and the girl nodded before she turned and began to walk off in that direction, leaving you and Joel by the graves.
"You comin'?"
You lifted your head in confusion to find him looking down at you with an unreadable expression. Wait, he still wanted you to go with them? Why?
"What?"
"I said, are you comin'? My offer from earlier still stands."
"Why?" You asked bluntly.
He made no effort to hide his distrust and dislike towards you. Him and Henry had just started to get along, so you understood why he offered last night, but now it was just you. He wouldn't want you tagging along, that much you knew for certain.
"I don't exactly feel comfortable leaving you here by yourself after what just happened." Joel admitted, looking down at the ground as he spoke, as if he already knew that you weren't going to like that.
"Oh, so it's a pity offer?" You said, shaking your head. "I don't need your help, Joel, and I sure as fuck don't want your pity."
"Enough said." Joel responded, slinging his backpack over his shoulders and picking up his rifle before looking back at you. "I am sorry about your friends though."
You nodded, looking back down at their graves before Joel silently walked away. Barely a minute ticked by before the sound of footsteps approached you from behind.
"Get the fuck up. We're not leaving you here." Ellies voice suddenly ordered.
You sighed, tilting your head up to find the girl now standing behind you with a stern look on her face.
"Just go, kid." You whispered, your voice drained of all emotion.
"What are you going to do? You just going to fucking sit here and feel sorry for yourself? How are you going to survive? You don't have any food, and you probably don't have much water left. You'll be dead in a few days tops."
The bluntness of her words caught you by surprise, but despite that, her words were true. If you just sat here and did nothing, you would die. Maybe from starvation or maybe one of Kathleen's soldiers survived the horde and will find you and kill you. Or maybe one of those clickers will stumble upon you. Either way, you die, but was that such a bad thing?
You had nothing left.
Henry and Sam were your family. They were all you had left in this world and now they were gone. What were you meant to do without them? How could you go on after witnessing that? You couldn't.
"Hello? Hey?" Ellie said, waving her hand in front of your face while you were deep in thought. "Did you not hear me? I said, you'll be dead in a few days. Is that what you want?"
"Yes."
Ellies expression dropped instantly, and you quickly realised that you must have said that out loud. Shit.
"Okay, you lost your friends and that sucks, I get it. But we've all lost people and I am not letting another person I care about just die. So, get your ass up and come with us to Wyoming." Ellie instructed after a few seconds of silence.
You shook your head, "Joel wouldn't like that."
Ellie scoffed, looking over her shoulder and you followed her line of sight to find Joel standing off in the distance watching the two of you intently.
"He's a big boy, he can get over it. Now, come on." She said, holding her hand out towards you.
You hesitated for a moment, staring at the girl's hand. It would be so easy to ignore her. She would leave eventually, but you found yourself taking her hand without realising it.
-
The three of you walked in silence in the direction of Wyoming, Ellie filled the silence with her random ramblings and terrible jokes. Joel didn't speak much, and you didn't say anything at all as you followed them.
By nightfall, you had set up camp in the woods. Joel had made a small campfire, not wanting to draw unwanted attention with the light and smoke, but it was starting to get cooler at night, so you needed the heat.
Ellie and Joel sat around the fire with the last of the beef jerky that they had stashed away. You said that you didn't want any which caused Ellie to glare at you, but you ignored her and sat down against a tree away from them and the fire.
You leant your head back against the tree trunk and wrapped your jacket tightly around your body while you listened to the two of them talk quietly. You couldn't make out what they were saying, but you figured Ellie must have told Joel about what you said to her by the graves because he kept looking in your direction with a worried frown on his face.
Ellie kept glancing over at you anxiously, like she was almost expecting you to be gone each time she looked, but you were still there.
Watching Ellie and Joel by the campfire made you think of Henry and Sam. You thought back to all the campfires the three of you had sat around, roasting marshmallows and reading Sam's comic books together. You were never going to be able to do that again... and that thought hit you hard.
You picked up your rifle from the ground beside you, ejecting the magazine and flicking out one of the bullets before putting the gun back down.
You sat there for a while fiddling with the bullet between your fingers as you contemplated what to do.
Henry and Sam's death kept playing on repeat in your mind, like a damn horror movie on constant loop that you couldn't stop watching. You couldn't stop thinking about what happened as you twirled the bullet in your hand. You knew what you wanted to do, but you couldn't exactly do it in front of Ellie and Joel.
A bullet would make a good last meal.
It was horrible, but it was true.
There would be no more pain. No more sadness. No more suffering... there would just be nothing.
You must have been deep in thought because you didn't even hear someone walking over to you until they sat down beside you. Their sudden presence caused you to nearly jump in surprise despite the person leaving a respectable distance and not touching you at all as they sat down.
Looking over, you realised that it was Joel, but you didn't miss Ellie looking in your direction from the campfire. She had definitely sent Joel over here to talk to you. Perfect. Just perfect.
"If she sent you over here to talk to me, I'm fine." You lied, looking back down at the bullet.
"She doesn't think ya are. Neither do I."
You remained silent, fiddling the bullet in your lap. Joel glanced over, looking down at the bullet with a mixture of emotions, but didn't say anything for a few minutes.
"Ellie told me what you said earlier. That, uh, that you want to die-" Joel began to say quietly, but you just shook your head.
"You guys think I'm going to kill myself?"
"Are ya?" He asked, looking back down at the bullet in your hand before meeting your gaze with an unreadable expression.
"Why do you care?" You asked, deflecting the question.
He shrugged his shoulders before pulling out some jerky from his pocket and holding it out towards you. "You need to eat and rest."
"Not hungry. And I doubt I'll be sleeping after what just happened."
Joel nodded in understanding, shoving the food back in his pocket without trying to force you. He looked like he wanted to say something though, but thought better of it before he stood up and walked back over to Ellie.
-
You must have fallen asleep sometime after he left because the next thing you knew, your eyes were snapping open, and you sat up gasping for air.
Gunshots echoed in your mind. Sam's body falling to the ground in a pool of blood. Henrys teary terrified eyes looking straight at you before he pressed the barrel of the gun to the side of his head.
"Y/N, hey. Just breathe. You're okay, just breathe." Someone's voice suddenly said from beside you, but through the haze in your head you couldn't figure out who the voice belonged to let alone trying to focus on your breathing.
You couldn't breathe. it was like all the air had gotten sucked out of your lungs and there wasn't anything you could do about it. You could feel your chest tightening as you buried your face into trembling hands, trying to calm yourself down, but it wasn't working.
A small voice in the back of your head was telling you that you were having a panic attack, but that little piece of information did nothing to help.
"Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Y/N, look at me."
Somehow you forced yourself to lift your head and your eyes locked with familiar brown ones. Joel was looking at you in worry, but you just shook your head unable to shut your brain off as those memories flashed through your mind on repeat.
"It's okay. Deep breaths. Y/N, just breathe. Copy me, okay?" Joel instructed, kneeling down in front of you as he took in an exaggerated deep breath, and you mimicked him before he released the breath slowly and you did the same as he repeated the action.
It took a while, but eventually you managed to get your breathing under control. Your heart was beating out of your chest and your body was shaking, but you were breathing. Small victories.
Joel was still kneeling in front of you, his brown eyes watching you worriedly before you rubbed your face with trembling hands and leant back against the tree with a sigh.
"Shit, I'm sorry." You whispered, realising that he had just witnessed you totally freak out.
"Ain't nothin' to be sorry for."
You looked past Joel to find Ellie still fast asleep by the coals of the campfire and you sighed with relief, glad that you hadn't woken her.
"Look, Ellie cares about you and if you plan on using that thing..." Joel began to say, nodding at your gun on the ground beside you. "I ain't gonna stop ya. I-I get it, okay? I do, but just think of that kid over there. She's already lost enough."
Joel didn't wait for you to respond before he walked back over to the campfire, restocking it with a few small pieces of wood. You silently watched him before glancing down at your rifle, not knowing what to do.