{3}
My heart's racin' now, I just can't take a breath,
I'm catchin' you starin' again,
I swear all this shit isn't just in my head,
I know that we're more than friends.
{PLAY}
Having never met Stephen before last Wednesday, Dec doesn't understand how he's run into him four times in the week since then. They say London is a large place but the events he's getting invited to at the moment seem to contain the same, limited guest list.
He tells himself that if it wasn't a boring corporate thing, he'd never have sought out Stephen's company at the beginning of the evening. He's been telling himself a lot of things he doesn't entirely believe recently.
Compared to the first time they met, when he was stealing glances across a busy club, picking out the details of Stephen's appearance between the strobing lights, this is entirely more civilised. There are a couple of executives from ITV milling around and everyone seems keen to talk to the unexpected success stories from CITV. Dec is bemused by it all to be honest; when they were first given the SMTV job, the show seemed like it was drowning before it had even got afloat. They were using the slot that no one watched to learn how to be presenters, mostly hoping that anyone who employed them after wouldn't pay too much attention to the countless mistakes.
Now though it seems to have taken off. The management team they've ended up with think ITV will want to keep them around and tonight it's Dec's job to mingle with the right people. Ant's got out of what he'd described as the 'soul-selling gig' because apparently Wednesday evenings are date nights. Dec didn't realise this had become a regular feature in the other man's calendar and he'll be paying attention if it doesn't continue beyond this one particular Wednesday that Ant wanted to be busy for. He's happy for his best mate though; Anne-Marie seems like a good match for him and they've got close in the last few months.
A side-effect of Ant's absence is the same usual temptation that comes from not being watched. He walked into the event and instantly noticed Stephen. He can't help that his eyes looked there first, that his brain went there so soon after. The self-restraint he displayed at the party last weekend seems to have conveniently gone out the window as well.
He sacks off making conversation with the middle-aged men he seems to be permanently trying to impress and tries to subtly work his way through the crowded room without looking like he's deliberately aiming for Stephen. He doesn't want the younger man to see him coming; it would be humiliating to come across as so desperate.
Stephen is smirking slightly by the time he sidles past the final group of people in suits. Dec resigns himself to flashing a sheepish smile in return, trying to play it cool even though he knows he's been caught. "Fancy seeing you here."
"It's almost as if we present on the same channel," Stephen replies, having extracted himself from the small group he'd been stood with. "Cat made a good point on Saturday."
Dec still can't remember most of Saturday beyond a haze of panic so he frowns in question and hopes Stephen will fill in the blanks. "She did?"
"Being so surprised that we'd never met," Stephen continues, glossing over the fact that they had in fact met before that. It seems they're both conveniently forgetting that in the right settings.
Even though he walked straight over to the younger man, part of Dec still feels uncomfortable to be stood with him. It's different without a group of mutual friends and a bottle of beer in a stuffy house. It's different when they're both there in a professional capacity, trying to pretend they know more about an industry they've both fallen into almost by chance. Hard work too, but it's definitely taken luck.
Deep down, he knows he should have caught the eye of a few of the people their managers mentioned yesterday. He should have introduced himself, even if it's a little unnecessary at this point when it comes to the ITV crowd, and laughed when someone inevitably joked that they were relieved because they always forget if he's Ant or Dec. No one seems to realise that everyone makes that joke, almost constantly. Fortunately, Stephen's got good reason to be able to tell them apart so that's yet another reason to prefer the other man's company over anyone else this evening.
The main reason comes later, after a meal and some reluctant socialising. He finds himself locating Stephen in the room every time he moves from one circle to the next, occasionally meeting the other man's eyes. Somewhere in between the glances he senses they have made a silent pact: put up with this long enough and then they will get out of there. What might come after hovers in the air between them but Dec knows what is getting him through the rest of the evening.
The advantage of corporate events is that they tend to wind up at around 10pm. No one expects you to stay into the early hours of the morning and you definitely don't have to imply you're going to a girl's house to sleep with her in order to make excuses to leave. In fact, given that the average age of the room is about 20 years older than the pair of them, Dec thinks no one will even bat an eyelid that they leave together. They're just two of the younger generation of presenters, probably going on to a pub to get away from the old people.
What they actually do is walk to Stephen's flat. Dec feels the meal he's just eaten swirl in his stomach as they get closer, starting to recognise a couple of roads as the same ones they walked down a week ago. Stephen talks about some of the people he met, seeming to have at least got a couple of amusing anecdotes out of what Dec found to be a dull evening. He gets the impression that Stephen is a bit of a magnet for strange encounters though.
"I'd offer you a drink but I don't think I have anything at the moment," he says apologetically as they get in through the door. Dec almost finds it funny how casually he skirts around what they are really doing. He's probably in the middle of denying to himself that there's only one thing on the agenda for tonight.
"Don't worry about it," Dec replies, grinning lopsidedly, "I nicked an extra glass of wine when no one was looking."
"Very rebellious," Stephen says sarcastically.
Dec likes him. He likes his sense of humour and his weird stories. He likes his awkward approach to their encounters.
"Is it Dec or Declan, then?" Stephen asks as he throws his jacket over the back of a chair. Dec lets his attention wander around the room a little more this time – no longer afraid of finding out more about the other man than he is allowed to know. They're in new territory here – he isn't used to seeing the same person twice.
"Either," he replies with a shrug before his addled brain thinks it's a good idea to vocalise the shiver that runs down his spine when he hears his full name coming out of Stephen's mouth. It's almost funny, talking about his real name when they were still using fake ones the first time he was here. The layout of the compact room has been seared on his brain since then as well. He dreamt of it on Sunday after he got back from the party and tried to shake off the regret of saying that they should stop after kissing outside the house. It seems Sunday is on Stephen's mind as well.
"At the weekend," he says at first, before breaking off to consider his words carefully. Dec leans against the kitchen work surface, hands splayed on the countertop behind him. His heart is thudding a bit too fast, more at the prospect of what might happen than what he thinks Stephen is going to say. Tonight, he wants to forget that Stephen is Stephen and think about the consequences tomorrow. "You said we shouldn't."
"And yet, here we are," Dec replies pointedly, gesturing around the room as if it might stir up some memories of last week for Stephen. He imagines the other man doesn't need the reminder.
"So," Stephen clarifies, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth thoughtfully. "You want to?"
Dec feels his mouth twitch and he tilts his head to one side. "Well, I haven't walked to the wrong part of London for a chat." He considers how this might sound seeing that, away from this more complicated situation, they're prospective friends. "No offence."
Stephen's mouth flickers similarly, a huffed laugh breaking free. He steps forward and Dec lets him breach the gap between them, tilting his head up receptively when he is eventually crowded against the counter, pulled near to Stephen by the younger man's fingers slipping into the belt loops on his trousers. Dec doesn't have the patience of last week and finds his hand drifting lower almost immediately, locating Stephen's belt buckle and fiddling with it blindly until it comes loose. One of Stephen's hands untucks his shirt, sliding up beneath the fabric and splaying over his ribs, wrapping around his side. His hand is still cold from the walk over and Dec shivers at the sudden change in temperature.
He reaches down and finds Stephen's wrist, feeling the drumbeat pulse against his skin and guiding him lower until he feels a slight tug on the waistband of his trousers, Stephen's fingers playing with the material, slipping beneath to the elastic of his boxers. Dec disentangles his hand from his own shirt, lifting both to cup Stephen's neck, tugging his head down to a better angle and tangling into the ticklish strands of hair that he can feel brushing his knuckles. Stephen lets out a heated breath against his mouth when he anchors his fingers around them, pulling until he feels a slight resistance.
The hand on his waist has stilled momentarily but skims around the hem line of his trousers to unzip them. Stephen's hand slips beyond the material, finding Dec's stirring interest and pulling a soft moan from the back of his throat. With his fingers twisted around Stephen's hair, his nails rest against the other man's skin. He flexes them, lightly scratching the back of Stephen's neck until he's making similar sounds.
He can already feel tomorrow lurking in the back of his mind, telling him to pull away and go home – telling him to get a bit drunk in the safety of his flat and phone Clare. She'll find it funny if he calls when he's drunk, he thinks, because she has done before. She'll say he's a mess and he'll say she is too. They'll fall back into the relationship that he's starting to think neither of them want to work.
Stephen's tongue slips into his mouth with a sudden reminder of the present. Dec can taste the expensive alcohol mixing with the guilt he feels for wishing he'd had a couple more glasses. He reaches for Stephen's shirt, grateful at least to still have his dexterity, even if he'd rather not have such a clear head about everything else. Stephen's hand slips lower again and Dec tries to detach the man in front of him from the actions.
It's impossible. It's always Stephen's mouth; Stephen's weight pressing against him; Stephen's thought process, clear as day, choosing to do this. He's not just a man that Cat might know and Ant probably won't. He's not someone that Dec will never see again. He's breaking all his rules.
Then Stephen does something to make his heart leap again and common sense starts to take a backseat once more. Dec knows the script now – it's just choreography to follow to the beat of regret but he'll deal with that in the morning.
{*~*}
It turns out that four days is the required amount of time to make a complete 180 on his thinking. Sunday evening – another house party with the same people in attendance. He thinks he should have got bored of the routine of it by now and then conveniently uses that as an excuse not to show up.
Ant raises an eyebrow when he says he's not going then gets all wise and acts as if he thinks Dec has called Clare and made his own plans for the night. Dec tells him repeatedly he hasn't and gets a 'you can't lie to me, Decs' as Ant leaves the flat. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic, just how wrong Ant is about that.
Ant is less wrong about the Clare thing. Dec has called her and he's blamed work and done everything he's done the last few times this has happened. She gave him a bit of an earful in return but they ended the call on a positive note – he's fairly sure she was even flirting, hinting at going out next week. That happened on Thursday and he's been willing himself to muster some enthusiasm about the prospect of a date ever since.
He's had to think about Clare a lot this week because every time he's stopped, he's been thinking about someone else instead. Someone who he suspects would be at the party tonight if he turned up as well. He's tried telling himself he's not going for both of their sakes. He's not got any reason to think Stephen is comfortable with his own sexuality but he doubles down on that idea anyway; the younger man might get his hopes up and think this is a regular thing. If Ant's there and he's not distracted with Anne-Marie, Dec knows he won't take the risk – Ant just pays far too much attention. He can read him like a book – at least about most things.
When Dec emerges from his bedroom the following morning, still somehow getting up later than Ant, the younger man continues to grin at him as if he knows Dec is keeping secrets. Dec rolls his eyes as he makes a cup of tea, pointedly not offering to make a second. If Ant is going to be petty, two can play at that game.
"Did you have a nice evening?" he asks eventually, his smirk audible without Dec needing to turn around from the toaster.
"Uneventful," he says in return, glancing over his shoulder and raising an eyebrow when Ant scoffs. "Did you?"
"Met another few people I 'must surely know by now'," Ant replies with a grin, impersonating Cat with scary precision. Dec chuckles reluctantly, still not wanting to give him the upper hand when he refuses to drop his belief that Dec and Clare are getting back together. "Saw Stephen, from last week, again."
Dec has to suppress a faint smile because Ant clearly feels the need to give some context to remind Dec of who Stephen is. It also reminds him that he's not mentioned the corporate event in the middle of the week. He worries that Stephen did – that he might have said he'd bumped into Dec and helpfully erased everything that happened after that. Dec wonders if Ant would think it was strange, to hear that from Stephen and not from Dec himself.
"Oh yeah?" He keeps his tone casual. "I saw him at that ITV thing the other day."
"Nice guy, isn't he?" Ant makes a show of getting up and going over to the kettle for himself. Dec doesn't filter the grin that easily breaks out onto his face. Some of it is relief because it seems Stephen didn't bring up their last meeting with Ant. "I wouldn't mind having him on the show more often."
Dec doesn't let the expression falter as he considers that possibility. He doesn't doubt that Stephen will be on SMTV again soon enough – he's being scouted out by ITV almost as much as they are after all. It might get a little complicated if Ant doubles down on this intention to befriend Stephen because it basically forces Dec to make friends with him too. Dec only has himself to blame for that though; he's the one making it complicated by letting what he wants take precedent over what is sensible. That's why he didn't go to the party last night, proving that he can maintain some level of self-control. It's why he plans to avoid Stephen as much as possible for the time being.
"You say that as if we have any say in who they get on," he says eventually, relying on teasing Ant to try and distract him from who they are talking about.
"He's one of the main CITV presenters," Ant replies airily, "They'll get him back on."
Dec knows he needs to be careful not to make it seem as if he doesn't like the younger man. Ant will assume that's the case if he isn't friendly with him. He'd really rather not have to see Stephen every week though. It makes this whole self-control thing a lot harder.
"We should be careful," he jokes lightly, "He'll be coming for our jobs at this rate."
"What we need to do is learn some magic," Ant joins in easily, clearly not reading into anything. Dec is both glad and guilt-ridden because Ant trusts him far too much to read between the lines. He expects Dec to just say things as they are, outright, rather than hiding away like he all so frequently does. "Oh, and Cat thinks all three of us are winding her up when we say we haven't met."
"Why does she think we have?" Dec asks incredulously.
"I don't know," Ant replies faux wearily, shaking his head. "Because we seem like we'd get on with him? I'd never even seen him on a Sunday night before last week."
"No, me neither," Dec says, glad that he can tell the truth for once. Stephen has crept into his life out of nowhere and now seems in no rush to fade back into the shadows.
He's been trying not to imagine the future with Stephen in it at the moment, even if Ant is clearly hoping to make a friend out of him. The problem with that is Dec seems incapable of thinking about Stephen becoming integrated into their group of friends without the younger man also being integrated into other areas of Dec's life. What they're doing at the moment can't continue though – it's going to put both of their careers at risk if they're not careful. Dec can't afford to lose Ant – his family – over a guy he noticed on the other side of a club who of course turned out to be a presenter on CITV.
He needs to forget that being with Stephen is a possibility. He just needs to keep his distance.
{PAUSE}
Can't keep waitin', bitin' my tongue,
Holdin' my breath, stuck in my lungs,
Feel us changin', comin' undone,
I know that we're more than friends.
{NEXT TRACK}