With my eyes closed I'm trying to breathe in deeply, hold it for a few seconds, then breathe out again. I try to loosen up my muscles, but the tightness just doesn't go away. My heart is hammering against my chest and the spots before my eyes are dancing in the dark. Why do I always get this at the most inconvenient time, like when I'm supposed to get ready for tonight's grand opening?
Not that I'm doing anything secretive, but still I'm startled when I hear some knocking at the door of my room. 'Shiori?' It's Ryozu's voice. 'Is it okay if I come in?' I try to swallow the tenseness out of my throat before answering, but still my voice sounds cramped. 'Sure,' I reply dimly. I can't seem to stop trembling, no matter how much I'm trying hard to. 'Are you okay?' is the first thing my stepfather says when he enters my room. I try to shrug it all away. 'I'm just a bit nervous for tonight, I think we all are.' He doesn't reply at once, which makes me look up at him with a questioning look on my face. Only at this moment I see that he's holding some clothing on a hanger.
'Maybe I can help with that,' he starts saying carefully. 'Yimuha told me about how you couldn't make a decision about what to wear to the party yet.' I get the feeling that my mother talks behind my back more often now. I'm sure she's always complaining about how I should be more like her. 'She said you don't want to wear the clothes she picked out for you.' I want to tell Ryozu that if he came to pressure me into wearing some tight dress he should turn around immediately, but I can feel that's not what he came here to do. My eyes fall on the hanger he's holding.
'I can imagine you're not comfortable with them,' he continues whilst looking at the pile of clothing that's still lying on the floor, 'so I got some of the casual clothes from her new collection. I thought you might want to try them.' When he reaches out the hanger to me I accept it reluctantly at first, but after looking at the legging and the cool long top I feel like I can breathe again. Even just a little. 'I'm not sure mom will be pleased with me not wearing the things she selected for me,' I sigh.
'I'm sure your mother is just a little stressed about the opening, but she's also very proud of it. This outfit is also from her new collection, so she will be fine.' I'm not sure she will be, but if her new husband thinks so, maybe I should trust it. 'Thanks,' I say. In the moment of silence it seems like he's just about to leave, but he doesn't do that yet.
His eyes seem uncertain yet determined when he slowly approaches me and sits down beside me on the foot end of my bed. 'Your mother and I worked hard together to achieve this success in her business, but I'm aware that we're not the only ones that are working hard. I know that Tomoko and you are also doing that. I know the lives we're living right now was a big change for you, and that it can be intimidating. I know that you both had to adapt to this situation of Yimuha and me re-marrying.' He looks at my laptop briefly. 'I want you to know that I'm not trying to replace your father, nor do I expect you to see me in that way.'
I look at the screen of my laptop, on which an internet travel page can be seen. Just before I was having my panic attack I was researching how fast I could get to Yokohama, the place where my father lives. There wasn't any train left for departure.
'I'm sorry,' Ryozu says, 'I wasn't trying to snoop around your privacy. I just want you to feel comfortable, Shiori. I hope you will be wearing this outfit, but if you decide you won't be comfortable going to this event tonight at all, please say so. I can get my driver to bring you to Yokohama this very evening. It will be okay, I'll talk to your mother.'
Again I try to swallow the tenseness out of my throat. This time it stings from the emotions his words are stirring up inside me. For years now he has tried to get me to feel comfortable in this situation. He has tried to get to know me, but I didn't want anything to do with it. He said that if I don't want to go to this event tonight I won't have to. He would even let me go to my father's house if I'd want that. He's not saying any of it out of obligation; he meant it.
'No,' I reply after swallowing again, 'it's okay, I want to go. I'm proud of what mom and you achieved together. It's just... I... don't know...' I sigh. 'I don't know anything at the moment. I feel like I'm a mess.' Ryozu curls the corners of his mouth slightly upwards in compassion. 'It's okay that you are. You're eighteen years old, you're almost finished with high school. I think it's normal to be questioning everything, and you don't have to figure it all out immediately. It's okay to take your time doing so. You can do it on your own, but you may always feel welcome to ask for help. I will always come to your aid if needed. You're my family now, Shiori.'
I'm almost not capable of holding back my tears. Still I give him a genuine smile of appreciation. 'Thank you, Ryozu. I will try to communicate more.' He smiles back at me. 'I will let you find some peace now. If you do decide that you don't want to go, that's okay. Otherwise I'll see you downstairs in a few minutes.' I nod. 'Thank you,' I say again. He gets up from the bed and leaves, shutting my door close again.
I can't begin to imagine how thankful I am for the clothes he gave to me and the talk we've had. He's right: the change of my mother divorcing my father and re-marrying was quite the blow. Not only did I get two new people in my life, but my whole life situation changed with it. Ryozu was already rich before my mom's business started to take off, but unlike her, he's still acting humble. It's not fair of me to treat him like this, always being distant. He has never been anything else but kind to me.
My eyes slide from the hanger to my laptop, after which I eventually shut the electronic device and put it away. I have to give this new life a chance. I have to start coping with everything and think about my future. Still, it's very hard when I finally get downstairs after changing, only to see my mother looking at me in disapproval. She's just about to open her mouth to say something, but Ryozu comes to my aid.
'You look beautiful in this casual outfit,' he says whilst smiling at me. 'Thank you,' I reply, not just for the compliment but also for saving me. For a moment it looks like mom wants to say something about it, but she stays silent. 'Let's go already,' Tomoko says. 'We can't let the people do without my presence anymore.' I make sure no one sees me rolling my eyes before putting on my jacket.
Unfortunately that comment isn't the only one. Almost the whole ride to the building he can't help it; my stepbrother just really likes to talk about himself. He only takes a moment to stop when something outside catches his attention. 'Wow, Dad, did you hire fireworks for the opening? How cool!' Ryozu follows his son's gaze and sees some fireworks light up the dark skies. 'I didn't,' he replies, 'but that's beautiful.'
'That's strange,' my mother says. 'It looks like it doesn't fade out.' At the same time we can hear what resembles an explosion coming from not so far away. 'Can you pull over, please?' Ryozu asks the driver, who does so immediately. 'We're going to come late, honey...' my mother says. Tomoko seems to think the same. 'That didn't sound good,' Ryozu replies. We can hear some honking from cars and screams from people. 'Maybe we should go check if someone needs our help.' He doesn't even know what's going on, but he wants to help anyway. Now I feel even more guilty that I didn't want anything to do with him. 'Honey...' my mother says, but she can't stop him from getting out of the car. 'Shiori, stay here,' she says when I want to follow him, but eventually my mother and Tomoko also leave the car.
'We really don't have time for this,' mom mumbles whilst walking with us towards where the explosion seemed to be coming from. Just around the corner of the intersection the screaming gets louder. I can hear the sound of buildings crashing down. All of it makes me feel anxious inside, like I really shouldn't be here. Maybe my mother is right. Maybe we should go back to the car.
I look up when I see another pair of fireworks roaming through the sky, reducing the distance with the intersection faster and faster. This scared feeling creeps up on me, consuming me whole.
'Shiori!' Ryozu yanks his son away just before he can be pushed aside. Some bystanders crash into me when they try to run away from the approaching fireworks. My mother tries to grasp for me with a shocked expression on her face, but she is being pushed back and I can't see her anymore. I do see Ryozu and Tomoko. The latter gets teared away from his father by the screaming and running people. I try to run towards them, but get smacked on the ground real hard. Just before someone can stamp on me I manage to scramble up, but I lose my balance. I can't see anyone I know anymore. I feel like I'm being swallowed by the panicking people.
Automatically my head tilts itself upwards when I hear the crackling sound of the approaching fireworks. It crashes into the building next to me, crumbling down in large pieces of debris. I can just manage to dodge the large concrete walls, but then I'm being pushed aside, falling onto the ground once again. I don't have time to scramble up, I can only notice it getting darker and darker when a large piece of wall approaches me very quickly. Instinctively I pull up my arms to shield my face from the impact. I don't even have time to think about anything when the debris knocks out my light.