Chapter 28
Avian Burn's Point of View
Kagan returned to his office while I stayed in the lobby to check if all the deliveries of the paintings were successful. I even checked if the new owners of the paintings paid for the items. I issued the receipts for the purchases and sent them to their email address one by one. It took me four hours to do that.
Nang makasigurado na ako na wala akong ibang gagawin ay napag desisyunan ko na lang na buksan ang laptop ko at ituloy ang pagsusulat. Para may mabasa si Pru pag nagkita kaming dalawa sa library mamaya. I just didn't expect that Kagan will walk at my back. Madalas ko kasi itong makita na bumababa galing ang hagdan. However, this time he used the elevator. Mapapadaan talaga ito sa aking likuran kahit hindi ko napapansin.
"You write?" I almost jumped on my seat when I heard his voice at my back. Dahan-dahan akong tumingin sa kanya at doon napansin na nakatingin pala ito sa screen ng aking laptop.
"This is for my elective class. We should write something for our final paper."
"You seemed stuck." He pointed out. I have difficulty transitioning to the scenes and how the characters will convey their emotions. I really suck at expressing feelings.
"Paano mo naman nalaman?" Tumingala ako at inihiga ang aking ulo sa headboard ng sofa.
"I've been at your back for like five minutes." This time, Kagan looked down on me. Habang ako naman ay nakatingala sa kanya. Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa ng matagal at ako na ang mismo ang unang umiwas ng kanyang tingin.
"You walk without making a noise. Hindi ko tuloy namalayan na nasa likuran na pala kita." Swallowing hard, I tried focusing on my laptop's screen.
"This isn't easy. Lalo na at hindi naman talaga ako manunulat." Walang pangundangan itong naglakad kung saan ako nakapwesto at tumabi sa akin. Nagulat akong iniharap pa niya ang laptop ko sa kanya.
"Isn't it better to put more information to set up the mood?" Wow, I couldn't believe what I'm hearing right now. Is he really giving me tips on how to write? Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin kay Kagan.
"I took the same elective class last year. Professor Collins prefers to read, which sets up the mood. If I remember correctly, writing requires a lot of patience and practice." Napatango ako sa sinabi niya. I even noted it in my mind.
"Here I am thinking that you ace not only painting but literature as well. You're such a genius, Kagan." May munting ngiti ang kumalawa sa aking labi. I noticed how his cheeks reddened from my compliment.
Kagan looked relaxed while checking up on my work. I don't mind if he's reading what I've finished so far. He will think of my work as fiction. He won't notice, right? That I was the one in the book I am writing.
"Your work is good, Avi. You're eloquent. Now I wonder why you didn't take this course as your major." Kagan is still looking at my laptop while giving me a chance to look at him. I tried not to stare at his bare face but couldn't stop myself. Lalo na at malapit lang ang mukha ni Kagan sa akin.
"Because Kagan, I can't make a living out of it. My mother told me so." Bumalik na naman ang alala ko kung saan nagtalo kaming dalawa ng aking nanay kung anong major ang kukunin ko ngayong college. My mom and I used to clash a lot. Like we're made to argue each day. Maybe because I blame her for what happened to me, I tend to blame anyone since I can't own up to my mistake.
"So you choose a career that can pay utilities and other living expenses than what you like?" He mused. His tone is quiet while I sigh.
"Yes. My mom told me to always go for practicality. When I was six, my mom signed me in a piano class." Bigla na lang akong natawa habang naiisip iyon. Napansadal ako sa sofa at tumingin sa itaas. The chandelier swayed a little, and I was thinking what will happen if it fell down on me. Nakikinig lang si Kagan sa tabi ko. This is what I like about him. He knows when to speak and when to listen.
"Most of the kids in that small town are enrolled in different classes. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa piano ako nilagay ng nanay ko. And I don't seem to enjoy it because the piano teacher is strict. Pinapalo niya ang kamay ko sa tuwing nagkakamali ako ng keys na pinipindot. That's why I decided to be good at it because I don't want the teacher to hurt my little hands. And then, one day, I told my mother that I wanted to be a pianist when I grew up." Bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking mga daliri. There's a bittersweet smile on my lips.
"She told me to put my head straight. She signed me up for that piano class so she can brag about it to her friends and not make a career out of it." Shaking my head, I let out a laugh. A laugh that says I am full of regrets.
"I have this friend who was a prodigy. She's good at everything. Her mom and mine were friends since childhood, so we were already expected to be friends too." My voice becomes low. I don't know why I started telling this to him.
"And when I say everything, like everything. She exceled in everything." The mix of pain and hatred always resurfaced when I talked about my mother. Guilt and embarrassment resurfaced when I talked about Emma. And when I talk about both, I want to explode.
"She enrolled me in the piano class because her friend's daughter was enrolled in violin class." I briefly close my eyes when I remember Emma's smiling face.
"My mom kept me comparing to her. Dumating sa punto na tinatanong niya kung kelan ko siya matatalo sa isang bagay. I know what my capabilities are. I know what I can and can't do. And I know that I can't beat her." How could an average person like me compete with a prodigy? Emma was a perfect daughter, pampered with care by her loving father and mother. I was raised by my cheater mother, who only saw me as nothing but an item. How unfair life is!
"Back then, I thought it was normal. I tried satisfying my mother. In the process of growing up, I realized that I was her trophy daughter. She used me to impress other people. I became an extension of her." My heart suddenly clenched on my chest when I still remember myself reaching that unbelievable expectations of her. It was difficult living with my mother. She was one of the reason why I don't want to comeback in my little hometown. I don't even have to worry, she's already busy playing house with Kristoff, her new husband. Kaya ngayon, iniwan ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa akin ng mga pinakaiiwasan ko. I don't want to remember the bitter experience I have growing up. Pero kung ano pa ang gusto mong makalimutan ay 'yun pa ang madalas mong maalala. Buong akala ko ay si Emma lang ang madalas na nakasunod sa akin pero unti-unti kong napagtanto na hindi lang pala si Emma kundi pati na rin ang aking nanay na kahit hanggang ngayon ay meron pa rin inaasahan sa akin. There are times that I just want to let go and stop fighting, just lie on my bed and do nothing. I already learned my lesson but I still don't want to be okay. There, I said it. I want to stop trying. Kaya sumasabay na lang ako sa agos ng buhay kung saan ako dadalhin. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Hindi na 'yun importante para sa akin.
"I can't imagine the pressure you've been feeling that time, Avian. But I know that you did your best." He said, looking at me. I sensed that Kagan meant those words. Like he was telling me that I can tell him everything that happens between me and my mother. Na para bang sinasabi niya na makikinig siya sa aking kung aabutin man kami ng madaling araw sa paguusap. Biglang nangilid ang aking mga luha pero bago pa sila magsiunahang magsipatakan ay agad ko itong pinunasan.
"And now, I don't know what I want, Kagan." For some reason, telling all these things to Kagan seemed easy and natural. I don't know what I like to become. Dahil sa umpisa pa lang, hindi ako ang nagdedesisyon sa buhay ko. It's always my mother who decides for me.
"Hmm, it makes sense. Not everyone knows what they want." I hummed, agreeing with him. Halmeoni only made it sounds so easy that you can only enjoy life if you know yourself and know what you want. But for most people like me who don't even have an idea for the purpose of our very own existence made the living difficult.
"Avi," he called me. There's something on his face that I can't quite comprehend.
"Hmm?"
"I was thinking maybe heaven and hell is a state of our mind and not a place nor a destination." I looked at him, eyes widened, trying to figure out why he started to open this kind of conversation.
"Maybe it's not a place where people go to after death. Today let me tell you these things, Avi. There are only two types of people in the world: people who live in heaven or hell. Those people who live in heaven are those who live their life filled with love, happiness, compassion, you name it." Kagan paused and drew a deep breath. His eyes are so focused on mine.
"And those who live in hell?"
"Those people live their life in suffering due to the feelings of despair, loneliness, melancholy, sadness, anger, pain, and the list goes on." I flinched from his choice of words. But it's making sense to me.
"Then tell me, Kagan. Saan ka sa dalawa?" I stared deep into his eyes, the way we do when we're trying to understanding someone.
"Kung nasaan ka." Walang alinlangan niyang sinabi. And for a second, our eyes locked, and I saw him. He knew that I saw him, but he didn't react. I saw his own fear and pain. Fear and pain are the feelings he hides in his painting.
"Dinner tonight?" I raised my gaze to Kagan, when he suddenly changed the topic. Maybe he sensed that I am not ready for a topic like that. I cleared my throat, looking tense as usual. Oo nga pala, muntik ko na makalimutan. Mayroon pa pala kaming dinner na dalawa na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin matuloy-tuloy.
"I can't. Kailangan kong imeet si Pru mamaya sa library para dito sa gagawin namin dalawa." Itinuro ko ang screen ng aking laptop at agad naman niyang naintindihan kung ano ang tinutukoy ko.
"I see. Let me walk you to the school library, then."
"Sigurado ka ba, Kagan? May tinatapos kang panibagong painting, di'ba?" He started working again on another set of his painting. Because we all know that if he didn't paint, he wouldn't even survive a day. Painting becomes Kagan's lifeblood. Everyone knows that.
"That can wait, Avi."
"Okay, fine, I'll clock out at five-thirty in the afternoon." Rendering four hours every day for my internship is not bad.
"Sure," tumayo si Kagan at naglakad papunta sa hagdan patungo sa second floor. Hindi pa nakakapaak si Kagan sa unang palapag ay tumigil ito. Ibinaling niya ang tingin niya sa akin at ngumiti nang marahan.
"Do you plan to stay in the state you are in?" I took a few more deep breaths before answering.
"Yes." Wherever state I am right now, I want to keep it. It's not like I am looking for salvation. Kagan also told me he'd continue to paint because he was inspired to do so. Bababa na lang ito kung malapit ng mag five thirty. I nodded in response and just stared at his broad shoulders while he got up from the second floor.
Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako gumagalaw kahit hindi ko na nakikita si Kagan. Did I seriously told him about my mother? I know I already opened about my mom being a cheater and all that. Pero hindi ko akalain na kay Kalix ko pala ito masasabi. At ngayon ay parang normal na lang magsabi ng mga ganitong bagay kay Kagan. Suddenly, I felt a little better and calmer. I smiled a little when I realized that Kagan didn't tell me that things were going to be okay because that is the least thing I wanted to hear. Before I continue what I left of, Kagan's words lingers in my mind. Heaven and hell as a state or consciousness, hmm.
It was exactly five thirty in the afternoon when Kagan walked down the stairs since he insisted he would walk me to the school library. Napansin kong nagsisimula ng dumilim ang kalangitan ng makalabas kaming dalawa sa kanyang studio. Both of us just decided to walk to the campus. Walking is cost-effective. Now we've reached the gate; we still have to go to Goode Hall because that's where the library is. When walking towards the library, Kagan and I talked about random things. I thought that he just decided to open up his studio and monetize his work. Hindi ko tinago ang pagkagulat sa aking mukha ng malaman kong para sa internship din niya ang kanyang ginagawa.
"No way!" I said.
"Haven't you forgotten that I am still a student too?" Good point.
"Pero hindi man lang pumasok sa isip ko na ang ginagawa mo ay para sa iyong internship. Maybe that's the reason why you haven't even smiled last time at your event because your heart is heavy since you don't want some people to own your painting." I'm not aware the art majors have this extreme internship.
"It's not like I don't want my paintings to have a new home. It's okay, as long as I keep the paintings I have connected with." I don't know if he noticed it, but his eyes lightened whenever he talked about paintings. Suddenly, my brain started sending some unexplainable signal to my heart, increasing its beating. My heart... is responding diligently.
"Ilan na ang paintings na naitago mo, Kagan?" He looked up, trying to count the paintings he kept for him inside his head.
"Four." I nodded my head while still walking side by side with Kagan.
"I noticed that you haven't painted portraits. I can't see any faces in your paintings Kagan." Bigla itong napatigil sa paglalakad at hindi ko namalayan na nauna na pala akong maglakad sa kanya.
"I don't do portraits." He said in a serious tone. Like I hit a sensitive topic in him.
"I see." I walked slowly, so Kagan could keep up with me. Naputol lang ang paguusap namin ng makalapit na kaming dalawa sa library. It has six floors all in all. This library is huge and cold. Imagine having six floors in total; everything you need is inside.
"Thanks for walking me here, Kagan," I said. He smiled at me a little.
"Bago ko pala makalimutan. Are you free this Saturday? Nadia just invited us for two day and one-night vacation at Dan's family rest house." Good thing I remembered! Klaude wanted Kagan to come. This may be an opportunity for him to know his brother.
"Are you coming?" There's a gleam in his eyes, expecting that I will say yes.
"Yes." There, I said it. Tumango ito at malalim na nagisip.
"Okay." My spirits suddenly lifted when he said okay. Am I excited? I guess. Besides, Kagan is the second person who made me feel excited.
"Okay. See you, Kagan." I don't know if he heard me, but he was already walking away.
***