Most of the time when we feel vulnerable we tend to put protections in front of us that push away people who could help us. It's inevitable. We do it because we feel the need to shield our weak minds from someone that could try to use that against us. It's a human thing. It also happens when we're sad. We just isolate ourselves in our safe space and most of the time it doesn't include having people in it.
Even the safest ones, you just push them away. However, those people can try harder to stay next to you, even if you don't want to because that's what love does. Fight against other's demons when they know you can't do it alone, even if they're yours. Love doesn't step back when it's about someone you care about.
Despite that, some vulnerable people try to keep others near because they need them for protection. And I don't know which of them I am. I don't know if I need someone or if I don't.
When I was at my lowest, I pushed everyone away but they never left.
Antonio stayed, and my father took care of me. They're the only person whom I will be the most grateful to until my last day. Without them, I wouldn't be here today.
Though, now I am again risking my life and this time it doesn't depend on me.
—
It's Monday afternoon, right after lunch. Antonio and I are walking around Milan's shops to buy some Christmas gifts. We always do it in advance because we know there are fewer people and more stuff. I already bought something for my dad and Giacomo. I also want to buy something for Ludovico and Brody. I will buy Antonio's gift another day when I'll be alone. And I need something for Marina too.
I am madly trying not to think about Kevin and whatever goes around him. I know that today he has to talk with his father but he hasn't told me anything yet. I wonder if he has already gone or if he still has to.
«How did the self-defence lesson go?» Antonio asks while we stop in front of the Mondadori.
I want to buy Marina a new book and a gift card next to it but when my best friend asks that, my mind becomes blind to everything except the moment Kevin tried to flirt -or whatever that was- with me.
He being too closer to me, mine and his red cheeks.
You have no idea how much control I am handling right now. His words never left my mind and right now they bounce again in my thoughts. The first thing I asked myself was: from what was he controlling himself?
Antonio pinches my arm, making me twitch. «Are you still on the earth?»
I take away my arm. «That hurt,» I retort and then nod. «What did you ask?»
My best friend narrows his eyes. «How did the self-defence lesson go?»
«Well.» My voice sounds hoarse when I said that and I am sure Antonio will keep investigating this.
«Nothing else? How was the trainer?» He keeps asking.
I step inside the bookstore and walk towards the crime section. «Good looking and good in his job.»
My mind is running from thought to thought, while my eyes are trying to focus on the books to pick one of the best even if I don't even know which one to get.
«And Kevin?»
I stop walking. I turn my head to Antonio with a blank expression. «What about him?»
Antonio grins. «What happened between you two?»
I start to feel my cheeks becoming red so I quickly turn my head back on the book and read the title of them but without actually giving them the right attention. Gosh, I hate blushing. I cover my face with my hair while Antonio comes closer to me. «Oh, oh. You little rat, what happened?»
«Nothing, Tonio. You're sticking your nose in as usual.»
A shop assistant passes close to me so I call her to avoid Antonio and to ask for help. «Hi,» I start with my less Italian accent. «I was wondering if you can help me pick a book. It's a Christmas gift but I rarely read crime.»
The young girl in front of me smiles and nods. «Sure! Do you know some of the books the person has read?»
I remember that time me and Marina came here to buy a book and my mind works hard to recall which book she bought. La ragazza nella nebbia. I remember that because I suggested her.
I tell to the saleswoman the name of the book and it seems like she enlightens herself. «I may have the right book in my mind.» She moves towards the shelves, searches for the book and picks it up after some seconds.
When she handles it to me, I read the cover: More Than You'll Ever Know by Katie Gutierrez.
«It's about Lore Rivera, married to a man whose business falls prey to a recession. She tries to make him feel better but she is suppressed by that. Meanwhile, she meets a new man in Mexico and suddenly she has two husbands. Later, one of them will find out about the other and kill him.
Forty years later, a true crime journalist becomes obsessed with the case and gets Lore to finally agree to an interview barring all.»
I listen carefully to the plot and when she is finished, I know this is the book I will buy for Marina and someday for me too. It seems so interesting and suddenly I want to know which husbands die and how. I thank the girl and let her go away while I feel Antonio's eyes still on me.
He was waiting patiently for me to finish with the assistant before kept asking but I keep silent. I don't want to talk about that loud, plus it is nothing big. We didn't kiss or anything else. It was just Kevin messing with me and my body not having it at all. I know that if I tell Antonio, he would make the thing bigger than it is.
«Okay, keep your thirsty secret with you. One day you'll tell me everything.» He gives up and I blow out my frustration.
I walk to the checkout and pay for the book and a gift card next to it. I ask for a gift package and they do it cutely, with a bow on the top and a quote: reading is another way to find new places.
«Do you need something else?» I ask Antonio. I don't know if I want to go now to buy something for Ludovico and Brody. I check the time and it's barely 4 pm. It's early but we've walked for a lot. I would like to sit for a bit and eat something sweet.
My friend shakes his head. «I need something for my cousin but right now I want to drink something so maybe we can have a break and then keep going?»
I smile at him. «That's exactly what I was thinking, my love.»
«Ew, take that back you lazy ass.»
I roll my eyes and push him with my shoulder while we start walking again. «I was trying to be nice for once but I get it. You prefer the bitter Enede who calls you Tonio and is rude to you.»
«Yes, that's exactly what I want. Be rash with me please,» he says with a groan and a disgusted sound comes out my mouth.
«Now take that back, you creepy.»
We both laugh and stop at one of the bars that overlook the centre. It is close to one Kevin and I went twice. We sit outside, under one of the stoves and it feels so warm even if the weather is super cold. I put all my shipping bags on the free chair between me and Antonio and then I take the menu. My best friend does the same and we stay silent for a while, checking what we want to drink or eat.
I opted for a crepe with Nutella and hot cocoa, of course. Although I wait for Antonio to be ready too, I take a look out of the bar, towards the centre where the Duomo face all the people walking around it. There are also some people going inside. I wonder if people go inside also to pray and not only to watch the art of it. I have never been a religious person, I think none of my family was. My father tried when we found out about my mom's cancer but he wasn't deep into it. And he always thought that if God wants our wellness, why put these deadly diseases in the world? I know this is deeper than his words, but I have never cared about these things. I just mind my own business and blame no one. The only thing I thought was: my mom wasn't lucky. Because cancer is about the body and not 'spirits'.
Going back to check the centre, my heart drops when I see them again. They're sitting in the bar next to this and one of them is looking right at me. Another one is smoking one of those slick cigarettes and the last one is checking the area. Are they searching for Kevin? Checking if he is around protecting me? Are they studying my movements? Why lately I don't feel them but they're always where I am? Before, I could feel them but never see them. Now I don't feel them but I see them. Was this their plan all along?
Antonio is looking at me and moves my arms to make me go out of shock. «Enny? Are you okay?»
I move my eyes to him and I try to breathe out. «They're here,» I murmur to my best friend.
Antonio is still confused even after my words. «Who is here?»
«The people who were following me. They're right there.» I point with my chin to where I saw them being sat but my eyes keep staying on Antonio, not wanting to face them again.
My best friend turns his head in that direction while I look down at my fingers. I have to tell Kevin. «There is no one there, Enede. I mean, I don't know what they look like but surely there is no one having a threatening figure.»
«What?» I say and quickly move my eyes to the same spot as before and they're gone. «I assure you they were there, Antonio.»
He takes my shaky hand and holds it tight. «Are you sure? Maybe you're hallucinating them because you are afraid,» he spots out and suddenly he is making me feel crazy.
«So you suddenly don't believe me anymore? If I tell you they were there, it means they were there.» My voice is trembling and my heart bounces. Now they know also what Antonio looks like.
I face my best friend's eyes and what I see is someone who is trying to pity me. «Of course but do you think they would be so blatant?»
«They're mobsters, Antonio. They don't care how the fuck they appear.» My patience has left. He should believe me, support me and try to calm me down. Not making me feel like I am getting crazy.
They were there. The same as I saw at the restaurant and the same I saw some days ago, before meeting Kevin. They're always here. They never left.
My phone buzzes and I take it, not talking with Antonio anymore.
It's Kevin.
Kevin
Are you still out?
I told him I left earlier University to go around with Antonio, so he is probably checking if I forgot to tell him if I am going back home or if I am actually still out.
I type the answer with shaky hands but I try to write everything clearly but it needs more than one try.
Yes, we are stirihg in a abr-
Yes, we sre sitting in a bar-
Yes, we-
He replies before I even type the right answer.
Kevin
I talked with my father
I know I should not, but I see you right now
Oh God no, Kevin. No. I turn my head away from my phone to move it around and search for him.
If my heart was racing for the gang, now it has left my chest. I feel my body shaking more and more.
Antonio is clearly feeling something is not going the way it has to go. «Enede? There are thousands of colours on your face. What's going on?»
I face him again. «You don't believe me. You think I am crazy, hallucinating them. They were there. I think I am having a panic attack. Kevin is here. I can't handle all of this,» I speak so fast that I don't even know if Antonio understands what I am saying.
«Wait what? He is here? Where?» He moves his head around to find him.
I take a deep breath but the panic attack becomes stronger and my head is spinning around while I put it down and close my eyes. The heart bouncing is pushing into my ears and I feel like I am about to pass out. My stomach hurts and I suddenly feel the urge to cry.
They're following me.
Kevin is following me.
Antonio thinks I am getting crazy.
It's just too much for someone who was just studying to be a writer, a month ago.
«Hi.» That voice. I don't turn my head up, it's too heavy but I can feel Antonio freezing. «I am Kevin,» he says quickly to my best friend and then he lowers to my height so he can face me. «Are you okay?»
I shake my head still keeping my head down. Antonio leaves the table but I don't know where is he going.
«Can you please look at me?» Kevin's voice is soft and low while he puts a hand on my shoulder.
My whole body is shaking and I can't breathe. It feels like someone is pressing so hard against my chest, obstructing the air to come in and out. My head is still spinning around but I can manage to turn it in Kevin's direction, so I am now facing him. As soon as our eyes meet, he smiles nodding slowly.
Antonio comes back with a bottle of water that hands to Kevin. He takes it and offers that to me but I shake my head so he puts it on the table. I can't move and I feel like everyone is looking at me.
«Take deep breaths, now. With me, okay?» He asks. I swallow my fears and keep eye contact with him. Kevin takes one of my hands holding it gently and I nod. I start to sharply breathe in and deep breath out.
I do it more than once, starting to feel my heartbeat going back to the natural pounding. I try to focus on his eyes. They're blue. Like the ocean. And he has his sunglasses on his head, pushing the hair back. I only now notice he has such clean skin. No pimples and no scars. Like he has never left teenage.
My body is not shaking anymore, and my hands are now steady but Kevin is still holding them and when I feel to be reasonable again, I push my head down. Breathing normally.
He gives me the water again and this time I accept it, drinking slowly after he left my hands free. When I drink enough water, I drop the water on the table and face Kevin again. «They were here.»
I know what I've just said made him change his humour but his face stayed calm. He doesn't want to worry me but I don't need his face to be or not be it. «Where?» He asks.
I point where they were but he doesn't look there. «Did they do something?»
I slowly shake my head. «No. They did the same Friday.» I let this out, knowing this will make him angry but he needs to know and I to accept the consequences of my silence.
«Friday?» Now his voice sounds less soft. «You didn't tell me.»
«I didn't want to overreact and also not push you to follow me but apparently you do it with our without my approval,» my low voice sounds very angry when I say those words.
He is still crouching when Antonio speaks. «Hi, I am Antonio and I would like to know what's going on.»
I spin my head over my best friend, remembering he is here and he just witnessed everything. «I am sorry Antonio, I don't know what happened.»
«I do,» he starts. «You had a panic attack and he just appeared out of nowhere.» He points to Kevin with his hand.
This one grins and stands up while waving in my best friend's direction. «I already told you I am Kevin and I think you already know who I am.»
«Yes, I do but why you ran here like Edward Cullen did to save Bella from the truck in Twilight?»
I pass my hands on my face. My head hurts and I feel like if I don't lie down, I am gonna pass out. «Can we just cut the conversation here?» I ask, looking at Antonio with the most tired expression I can have.
He nods and raises his hands before shutting up. Then I move my face to Kevin. «Why were you here?»
Kevin make the smile disappear. «I talked with my father and I now need to talk with you.»
«Now?»
He nods and I huff closing my eyes to keep everything down and not let my frustration make more scene than I have already done today.
Then I face Antonio and he gives me an understanding look. «I can take your stuff and give it to you tomorrow.»
I shake my head. «I'll keep it with me, don't worry. I have a chauffeur and a car where to put it, did you know that?»
Antonio holds a laugh while I stand up and take my bags. «How funny,» Kevin murmurs before moving to let me pass I hug my best friend, asking him sorry and giving him a cheek kiss before moving away. I hear the two guys on my back giving each other a few words but right now I don't even care what they say. I would like to delete this day and all the others that came before this.
When Kevin reaches my side, I take a quick look at him. Except for the situation, he didn't hesitate to come and help me. He saw me from wherever he was and quickly wanted to help me. To make sure I was fine. He handled my panic attack very well and my body reacted so well as soon as he touched me.
It is like it felt safe as soon as our skin brushed each other. I am sure Antonio would also have handled it pretty well, but Kevin was just faster. He knew it before it happened. After the text, I was already having a panic attack and he knew it. He really ran like Edward did to save Bella.
I hold my laugh after that thought. Kevin the lion and Enede the lamb.
«Why are you laughing?»
I shake my head. «Nothing, let's go.»
—
Same house, same living room, same puff where I sit every time I go inside that house.
When I enter, I don't even look around because it seems like I already know every inch of this room.
Kevin has been quiet all the trip, looking forward to the street and never moving his eyes from there. I don't know if his upset mood is because the chat with his father went bad or because of the lie I told him or maybe also because if the chat with his father went well, it means this is the end of our journey. Maybe it is all of them together. I have no idea but what happened earlier, is still impressed into my mind. I know I should have told him about Friday and that keeping it from him made just him believe that he can't trust my words. But I thought they were just checking by far away. And the same today. I also think that they're studying me. They knew Kevin was with me today, they probably saw him run to me.
Oh no. I am sitting on the floor when I realise that. Kevin is in the kitchen, picking something to eat because I told him I felt about to pass out. They now think for sure I am Kevin's weak spot. I keep thinking. What if they were already following me, they saw Kevin first and then they wanted me to see them? They knew I would have panicked and wanted to see Kevin's reaction. And the reaction was probably what they were expecting. Should I tell him? Or did he already think that?
When Kevin is back, he is holding a sandwich wrapped in a piece of paper and a glass of water. I am still thinking about my theory when he sits in front of me and drops the food on the table, giving me the time to pick it up when I feel to eat. «How do you feel?»
Like someone who has just been on a rollercoaster for the first time. «Better,» I simply say taking the sandwich. «It was just too many things together.»
«You should have told me about Friday,» he says with a stiff tone.
I sigh and start to play with the paper of the sandwich. «I know, I am sorry. I thought it was just one time. I didn't think about them appearing again,» I say with an apology face and then I bit the bread.
«And I wasn't following you. I mean, I knew you were in the city and I has just finished talking with my father. I thought it would have been easier reaching you.»
«But you knew exactly where I was,» I say with my mouth half full.
I see Kevin's face getting sweeter but he keeps talking. «It was just a weird coincidence.» I stare at him with a raised brow and he laughs. «I swear. I was actually looking into the bar we went but then I saw you two in the one you were in. I was looking for you but not following you.»
I decide to believe him. I don't think he was following me, I think he respects my boundaries and my decisions. The problem is that now he knows they've been on my back. «How did the chat do?»
As he saw my vulnerability moment, I am about to see his and I am sure that this is the moment where I break all my promises and start to see the situation with a whole different perspective.
Kevin's face becomes dark and his eyes are followed by a shadow that makes me think it didn't go well. I am afraid of what they've actually talked about but I stay quiet, waiting for him to talk, dropping away the half sandwich.
Kevin is now facing in front of him, not me anymore. «Before that, I need you to know something.»
I sit still, ready for the worse. «Go on.»
«Her name was Camilla. Sadly, she took her life yesterday. Her mother found her, in the bathroom,» Kevin says that so quickly that I feel like imagining it. « The truth is that his father owed us money but he couldn't afford them and my father was so furious that he didn't give Camilla's father so much time to find them and decided to just kill him. The worst part of it was that I was the one in charge but I didn't know.»
The place around me is becoming so dark but I am keeping my eyes on Kevin. His hands are shaking and his sight is still far away from me and I am afraid of what he is thinking but I won't say a word until he tells me he is done. «One of the guys that work with us told me to go with him on a motorbike race.»
There it is. I already know how this will end. «I accepted because I thought it would have been fun. And I did until it happened. The driver just cut someone's else way. He was crossing the street, I don't know going where. But the bike just hit his legs, pushing him onto the floor and then he rode back to pass on-»
«I got it,» I stop him with an urgent tone. «Please don't go on.»
He now is facing me and I know my gaze has not some sort of shocked or angry face because the way he was saying all of this, gave me the feeling he feels so guilty about it when he didn't even know what was going on. «As soon as I found out, I took Camilla under my responsibility. I tried to help her, giving her money, and bringing back his father's body. She believed me when I told her the truth but she wasn't strong enough to handle it. She fought until she couldn't do anymore.»
Kevin's eyes are full of regrets and teary but he has a firm expression. His voice is choked and his fists are clenched. «He died at midnight and three minutes,» he says while giving me a deep stare, like telling me that he knew I would've understood what he meant.
And I do.
The tattoo. It's the tattoo he has on the shoulder. He tattooed the time when Camilla's father died. It's so frustrating and horrible. I can't imagine the way he felt and feels right now. I am sure that's not something that leaves your mind easily.
I take a deep breath before filling his gaze with mine and doing something probably unexpected for both of us. I hug him. I carry the weight on my knees before surrounding Kevin's neck with my arms and holding him. Even if he is probably shocked about my reaction, he closes his arms around my waist and pushes me against his body. I try to let him feel that not everything is his fault. He was born into this family and it is not always hard to get out of it, mostly if your father owns everything and as soon as you step out, he pulls you back inside because he just can.
«It's not your fault,» I murmur while placing my chin on his head. «You didn't know.»
«I should have,» he whispers against my chest and it gives me chills but I try to not focus on the fact that we are completely touching each other and that my skin is burning under his touch.
I am trying to stay focused on the situation and its seriousness. I also try to push away the urge to cry about Camilla. I knew something was off in her and I maybe could have also helped her more but I didn't know the whole backstory and now that I am into it, I wish I could have told her something more to make her feel less pain. I know what it feels like, to lose someone because something else took them away. I also had the same reaction but I was surrounded by people that never left my side, not even a second.
She probably had no one and her mother wasn't strong enough to help her.
I move a bit away so I could face Kevin and look him in the eyes. «The only one to blame for this is your father. Do not try to cover his actions. He made you kill someone when you were just a kid. That's not something to just pass by.»
My hand are on his shoulders and his hands are still on my hips. I need to move away because I don't like the tension that's between us but I don't want to. I want to stay like this even if it is wrong.
«He said he doesn't care, about this situation. He had this feud with The Cleaners for a long time and that he won't do anything just because...» Kevin stops talking and I know it's because his father probably said something means about me. He doesn't want to reply to what his father said but I want to know. I give him a soft gaze, trying to make him understand that I don't care if he says it, knowing he doesn't mean that. «Because a random girl jumped on me. He won't move a finger.»
I have the unpleasure feeling that what his father meant was jumping literally on him and my face twisted at that thought. I move back, separating me and Kevin, so my body can also go back on his temperature.
Kevin lets his arm fall on the side of his body while I give him a disapproval gaze. «I have never met your father and if I will ever have this horrible moment I need you to promise to let me punch his face.»
His laugh full his chest and I can finally see the shadow blowing away from his face. I prefer him this way, with his light blue eyes and the beautiful smile on his face. I don't like when the darkness takes him, mostly because it's because of someone else. «I promise you I won't,» he starts to say before going on. «I really wish I could something to just make him do a mistake so they can catch him.»
I know he is speaking with rage but those words will never leave my mind. They will stick in my thoughts because, from this moment on, I just want to help him. I don't care about anything anymore. I have always thought being near him would make my life in danger and it is, but now I am fully into it. Why push me back when I can help and make things less complicated?
Kevin told me since the moment I find out about everything that he never wanted to be in this and I want to make him change his mind about exposing his father.
«If he won't do anything, we will,» I speak with a firm voice and confidence in my eyes.
Our gazes meet and on my back thousands of chills spread. I know what he is thinking, right now. He planned to protect me, not involve me, but I assume he has realised I am stubborn enough to do whatever I want, without waiting for anyone's order.
Kevin's face has a stiff expression. «I don't want you in this.»
«I actually don't care what you want,» I reply with a smile on my face. «I am old enough to make my own decision.»
«I wish you were less stubborn because you have no idea how complicated this world is,» he sighs.
His underestimating me is making me a little mad but I let it overpass me. I stare at him and then shrug, letting him see that still, it is not my concern about what he wants for me. He is not my father or my brother and not even a friend. I don't know what he is for me, but surely no someone can tell me what to do.
I jut out in his direction. «I have already my decision.»
Kevin's tired eyes and messy hair are all for me at this moment. «Which is?»
«I will be by your side if you decide to put an end to this,» I declare and then go back to sitting on the puff, waiting for him to retort but all I see is a smile on his face.
—
Later at night, when I am back home, I am laying on my bed, with my head turned toward the ceiling.
I am still focusing my thought on the conversation we had but not on my decision, I am still firm on that. I am just thinking about everything he told me. About Camilla, her father and Kevin's father. Everything is so messed up. I have never had wide thoughts about mafia life but I wonder how can you push someone into it even if they don't want to? What kind of father are you? Kevin is Joe's only child, I think, so if he will die someone has to take his place but his son doesn't want that. How can he expose his father without getting anyone hurt? The Cleaners, as Kevin called them, need to be shut down. What if he just starts to collaborate with them to push down his father? No. It would be the same thing as working with Joe.
The only thing to do is expose him. And how? You can't just go to the police and tell them: hi, this is my father, is the Mafia leader. Wanna arrest him?
I know from rumours that the police are the first ones being corrupted by mobsters. Same as politics. Few people could be free to help but you never know whom you have in front. They can assure you to help and then snitch everything to the people that you're trying to catch.
I sigh. I have never thought about this much for something, not even for my studies.
Shit. I jump out of my bed and run at my laptop, opening it. I read the deadline of my essay and when I see I missed it by two days I swear, closing back the laptop.
With all I have been into this month, I totally forgot to complete and send it. I needed last words and I blow them. I push my head back and huff out all the air I have in my lounges.
I should at least pretend to be into this year. I could have at least faked wanting to graduate and right now I am just losing a year to stay behind a guy that is a Mafia son.
Wait a moment. Kevin need evidence for exposing his father and someone he can trust to arrest him. If I remember correctly, my father knows an investigator that is into injustice and gangs. Maybe I can convince him to give me his number. I move back on my laptop, open it and point out everything my mind is saying to me right now.
I have a plan.
I have a freaking plan.
I just hope Kevin will be part of it.
—
AUTHOR SPACE:
There is something in this chapter I don't like and I don't know if it's the writing or what happened in it... anyway, I hope you enjoy it haha.
Quick recap:
A vulnerable chapter for both Kevin and Enede. We see the girl in a full panic attack and Kevin being there -oh magically haha- to help her. And the same for Kevin, having his moment of chaos with her being ready to help him.
About the mysterious girl... I am sorry. I know some of you wanted her to be happy but it has to go in this way. She was really close to her father and when he died, she just wasn't strong enough.
And Kevin is tired to have all these people dying and risking their life when he is around them. He just wants peace and Enede has something in her mind. She wants to help him, not caring how dangerous it can be because we know she has a savior heart.
The problem is, how? It is not easy to expose a Mafia leader, mostly if he's very powerful but she seems to have something in mind... mmmmh. Who knows what.
Q: drop your plan idea, what would you do to help Kevin?
Love ya,
Benny :*
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME.