The Monday that followed her dinner at Beck's house and sleepover at Tara's seemed to drag. Her cardiology appointment began at ten in the morning, which meant they had to leave extra early to get to Kalispell on time. To make matters worse, she had forgotten her phone at Tara's. Thus, had no way to keep Beck updated on how the appointment went. Like she said she would.
Millie had Beck drop her off about a block from Tara's house. He was skeptical until she explained that she wasn't ready to explain to her friend's that she is seeing someone. Millie was more or less a private person, and she wasn't one to spill as easily as her friends who were nosy and pushy enough to squeeze something out of her nonetheless. The less they knew the better, she had told him. Inside Tara's place, the kitchen was warm and smelled like flour, sugar, and frosting from a container. The baking was already underway, but the duo had quickly put Millie to work cutting out more dough in the shapes of stars, hearts, and flowers. They were blissfully unaware of her illness, the man her heart had been growing closer to, and the mystery that loomed in her past. Millie felt a tug in her heart, a longing to be back in Beck's strong arms. But at the same time, the obliviousness was a welcomed relief.
Back in the car the next morning, Millie daydreamed. With her forehead pressed to the window, she watched the gray sky loom overhead and the dark gray trees whisk in and out of view outside the warmth of the car. She felt drowsy with the vents blowing a lazy stream of warm air onto her face. To pass the time, she thought back to her evening with the wolf.
After dinner at Beck's but before leaving for Tara's, they had moved to the couch. It was a dark green, plush, velvety thing. Entirely inviting and all too tempting. They lounged on it, Beck sitting with his thick legs spread wide, feet firmly planted on the floor and one arm languidly thrown over the back cushion. Millie sat with her back to the arm rest, tossing her legs over his lap. The heavy wool blanket was spread over the both of them. They talked in soft tones, back to mundane topics between brief and harmless questions. Millie was easily distracted by him, consumed by his musky smell and the smoky taste of his skin that she could still remember. Being there with him, practically a stranger, was so wrong that it passed all the way through into the feeling of rightness. Had she been different, not doomed to illness, or never having been kidnapped, maybe she would be leerier of a stranger approaching her on a bridge and sealing her fate. Had she been different, she might not have met him at all. So she was happy for the slice of heaven that was her time with him. She was happy that it might have been wrong but felt in her gut so right. Apparently, she was knocking on death's door anyway. There wasn't much worse Beck could do to her.
"I have to ask you something," Millie said to him in the dim flickering light of the wood stove.
"Ask." Beck responded, his eyes taking in every inch of her face in a way that made her feel like he could see straight through to her soul.
Millie sucked her lower lip into her mouth before releasing it with a breath. "When I told you about what happened the other day, for a moment you looked... I don't know. Withdrawn? As if you had already lost me." Millie searched his eyes for an answer before she could even ask the question. "I know I scared you, I could feel you pulling away. What I said worried you. I know I'm your mate, but..." She went a different way. "Why? Why does that scare you?"
Beck couldn't meet her eyes for a moment, they fell to the blanket where just beneath their hands were tangled in knots. Unknowingly holding one another. Finally, his eyes locked on hers in a way that took her breath away with the intensity of his wild gaze. "You're my mate. Our connection runs as deep as our souls. Even if I didn't know you, the loss of you one way or another could be felt at the core of me. I would know if you died even if I never met you. You're my present and my future, of course it scares me to know that you could die before I even can get the chance to know you."
But Millie saw right through him too, and Beck knew it immediately. She was more cunning than he had ever given her credit for. It was admirable as much as it was infuriating. The bigger part of him loved that she too was an Alpha at her center.
"That's not the real answer." She said simply.
Beck couldn't lie to her, "No."
"You don't have to tell me now, it's enough to know there's more." Millie replied. "Though you did promise me that you would tell me your story as well."
"One day," he responded, rubbing his thumb over the back of her cold hand. "We have you to figure out first."
Millie changed the subject after a pause of silence, "I've never felt this close to anyone before." She whispered, marveling still at the feeling of electricity that trailed beneath his touch. Her attraction was palpable in the air, thick and hovering between them.
"It's the bond's way of drawing us together, even in a room of a hundred people, we would find each other." Beck answered, removing their hands from the blanket to rest them on top of his leg and look over each of her slender fingers.
Millie searched his face even though he wasn't looking at her. His mouth was a straight line, always serious, schooled even to never reflect the inside of him. His eyes too, steely gray, locking away whatever emotion lies beneath. Those irises were wild, teeming with the predatory glances of a wolf to the very core. Once it had been pointed out, he was unmistakably an animal at heart. His mannerisms, constant alertness, the subtle cold edge. At the same time, his loyalty, devotion, and kindness shared the front.
Those gray eyes were suddenly on hers. She may not have been able to read him at times, but she knew he could read everything about her from a single glance. Her mother had always said she wore her heart on her sleeve. More than that, she was too much of a hot head at times to hide the anger that occasionally snarled and snapped inside of her. Millie's breath caught in her throat at his gaze locking with hers.
"The bond sounds like a blessing and a curse," Millie said softly, thinking about how he was tied to her and thus, tied to her death sentence of a condition. Sure, he was granted a mate, someone who was supposed to be the other half of his soul. But was he also supposed to be punished? Why would he be granted something, a human, whose fragile livelihood could be so easily stripped away?
"Yes," Beck agreed and by the look in his eyes she knew how easily he could read her. "Being a wolf is dangerous and deadly in itself, Millie. I know what you're thinking. Mates die all the time, wolves are killed all the time. This world is nothing like your human world. Here, our lives are only as constant as nature allows."
The pair lapsed into silence after that. Millie rested her head against the back of the couch as his free hand idly rubbed her feet and she reveled in the peace and quiet. They spent the rest of their time together making small talk and avoiding the rest of their problems for awhile. Beck drove her to Tara's at the latest reasonable time where Millie parted ways with him. In the dark, warm space of the cab of his truck, they exchanged one innocent kiss. Their breath mingling as they pulled back just enough to rest their foreheads together.
"We're here, Mills." Sandra's voice broke Millie out of her daydream. She looked over at her mother and then out at the mid-sized hospital. The building sat gloomily in the gray cold day, its windows reflecting the low hanging clouds back at them. The weather in Montana is always unpredictable, especially in the transitional months between summer and winter. April is close enough to Summer, but Millie understood that day that even spring was still a million miles away.
They went into the hospital and made their rounds to different floors for different things. She was poked, prodded, scanned, and questioned. Numerous faces greeted her and chatted with her mother. Even Dr Welch, Eben's father, stopped by the cardiology floor to say hello and examine her file. Millie felt overwhelmed by the attention and assessments. Her head spun, temples throbbed, and she could feel a cramping episode beginning in her legs. The cramping stressed her out more than anything else. It promised days of missed school and unbearable pain that was untouchable even by narcotics.
Even the doctor's faces couldn't hide the truth of Millie's grim results. The irregular rhythm was attributed to an electrical misfiring and degeneration of her heart tissue. The degeneration of her heart muscle caused turbulent blood flow and murmurs. They told her about all her risks: clots, strokes, heart attack, fainting. Sandra took everything in stride, writing things down, noting prescriptions. They added blood thinners and anti-arrhythmic drugs with high alert profiles to her regimen that was already ten miles long. They noted with vague finality that her condition was likely autoimmune, due to the organ destruction that they found across her body. That peaked Dr Welch's attention, who seemed to scrutinize her even harder.
All in all, the news of her condition was poor. Terrible even. Finally, her primary doctor sat her down with her mother and told with a somber expression that she had maybe three months to live without a heart transplant, if the drugs decreased her symptoms. Even then, the transplant list was long and she was somewhere in the middle of it. Millie stared at his empathetic face while he tried to convey that his hands were tied in the matter. Her fate was sealed from his perspective. She was going to die.
Sandra began to prod with questions, her face stoic, refusing to shed a tear yet. Millie was silent, her eyes travelling behind the doctor to peer out the window at the cold and gray. Winter was hovering, pressing into the glass, clawing hands trying to grasp at her and pull her into the dark. Millie was suffocated by the understanding that summer, let alone spring, was a million more miles away and she would likely never make it. She would never feel the heat of a Montana summer day at the lake on her skin. Millie choked on the thought, her hand going to her throat to try and convince herself to swallow.
By the time they made it back to the car, Sandra was almost in tears and Millie's mouth sealed itself shut as she tried to stretch out her legs in the car to keep the cramping at bay. They began the drive home and Millie felt mean and helpless as she ignored her mother's attempts to talk.
She couldn't stop thinking about Beck and the bond and how selfish she was. Millie had said it sounded like a blessing and a curse, but she knew at that moment that it was nothing but a curse. How cruel could it be that Beck was merely destined to have a partner who would only die a few months after meeting? In her head, she recounted every moment they had shared since meeting, and slowly she began to understand the depth of the bond that wove them together. Suddenly, she was unbelievably frightened by it. From the moment she had seen Beck, she had been enamored by him. He was attractive, magnetic with his presence, and had tapped into some part of her that she never knew was there. He was a wolf, and she always knew she had been somehow tied to them. But things had moved quickly from there. When she touched him, she felt the desire in the deepest part of her body. She had ignored all rationality in order to trust her gut. No, Beck hadn't done anything wrong. But she knew she was being stupid.
Millie had one goal and that was to find out what had happened to her. Beck had the knowledge she needed, but she knew she had to be careful. The last thing Millie wanted was to hurt him. She decided she would keep him at arms length. The idea of rejecting him even crossed her mind, but she couldn't muster up the will to think about the matter any further. The stress was swelling up inside of her. And besides, she wouldn't be able to tell him she was going to die. She could barely handle the idea herself.
When she got home, she could barely walk to her bedroom without help. Her muscles had begun to cramp so badly Millie could only manage to curl up on her bed in the dark. Sandra brought her muscle relaxers and water which she gladly choked down. When her body finally relaxed again, she fell into a fitful sleep.
- - -
Beck could hardly get Millie out of his head. All he could think about was her face, her condition, her kind and fiery spirit, and initiating her into the pack one day. In his mind's eye he could see Millie standing up on the altar with him, slitting her hand as he slit his, pressing their palms together as they stood before their pack. He was up before dawn the morning after he dropped her off with her friends. The morning was frigid, icy fog hanging low in valley where their cabins peeked through. Winter was still heavy in the air, not even the birds had returned for spring yet.
After Beck had dropped her off, he returned home to his empty cabin that still smelled of her. Though comforted by her scent, the quiet emptiness began to crawl beneath his skin. The revelation of her condition felt much worse than he had anticipated. Whatever was going on, he knew they had to figure it out quickly. When he turned to push his front door closed, a moment of weakness came over him and he found himself leaning his forehead to the cold wood, eyes firmly shut. A trembling breath escaped his lips. After so many years, the attack still haunted him, hung like a thousand pounds from his back. He carried death with him wherever he went. It never got easier. The trauma that he witnessed, bared, remained with him forever. Apparent in the taut line of his shoulders, the knots in his back, the nightmares each night, the need to be clean, the inability to move on.
But it pushed him, fueled him to be better, work harder.
Despite the cold, Beck stepped out onto his back deck without a shred of clothing. He stretched his back as his eyes scanned the dark wood, and then he melted into his furred form. The perimeter of his packland was jagged and crossed meadows, lakeshore, rocky crags, and thick forests. His land was somewhat secluded, pressed up against the mountains and the lake. Beck's lineage had held the land for over a century. They had fought for their land time and time again, even when it cost lives and livelihood. Beck could hardly bear to think about the last war where he had lost his whole family over a female. Just the idea made Beck push harder, running until his muscles were taught and aching.
When he circled back to his cabin, he was quick to change, eat, and head back out into the cold. First, he had to train with a group of other wolves who were early risers. A mix of males and females of many different ages. They were ruthless in their training, thanks to Freya who had become their unofficial trainer. She was always in the field the earliest, ready to grill their asses. From there, Beck had a busy day ahead of him. Though he treasured his time with Millie, he knew he was getting distracted from his Alpha duties. The heart of the packland was his next stop after training where he looked over the fenced farming area where they would soon be planting sprouts for the Spring and the chickens pecked in the wild grass. The long cabin was dark in the early hours of the morning, waiting to be filled by young pups just starting school and elders socializing over handiwork.
The clinic lights turned on a few minutes before Beck pushed through the front entrance. Aunt Amira was just putting her things away as he entered the warm and clean environment. The cabin was open and well lit, lined with jars of herbs on shelves, medicines, and medical supplies. An exam table was in one corner, a large specimen fridge in another, they had even acquired a microscope with a few other lab essentials. Amira was exceptionally skilled in medicine and greatly focused on blending traditional medicine with the new. Their wolves were much healthier for it.
"Auntie, it's been a few days since I've seen you." Beck greeted her with a smile, pressing their cheeks together.
"I've been wanting to give you space," she smiled back, touching his cheek with her rough hand. "I knew you would come to me when you were ready."
"How are you?" He asked, leaning back against one of the counters, giving her his full attention even as she buzzed around to prepare for the day.
"Good, we've been busy for the tail-end of flu season. These poor pups can't catch a break. Do you think you could give another talk about hand washing? You did so good with the young ones last year."
Beck made a mental note, "Of course I can."
Amira turned on him with her motherly smile. "So, how have you been?"
Beck just looked down, a small quirk to his lips.
"What aren't you telling me?" She pressed.
Instead of verbalizing his admission, he passed her images through the mindlink. Meeting Millie, her smile, their connection.
Amira immediately burst into happy tears, throwing her arms around him and squeezing him tighter than he ever thought possible.
"Oh, I'm so happy for you, sweetheart." She whispered with watery eyes, holding his face. "You deserve the world. I can't wait to meet her."
After the clinic, Beck headed towards Yukon's to work on the nursery addition. Yukon stayed home to help while Hayley went off to lead the morning's training session. Beck typically attended unless other projects arose. Kristin fell in line with him as he was about halfway through his walk.
"How are classes?" Beck asked his Beta after their greeting.
"Good, only one semester left then I can get my license and start our business. I have already recruited a lot of members who are interested in giving back." Kristin's smile was slight but proud. Beck was proud of her too, she was brilliant and had done so much for their pack since the attack. Now, she was planning on working with the elders, employing their artistic abilities to sell woodwork, woven baskets, embroidery, and more in local markets and online. The opportunity would help the elders feel more included and further emphasize their importance to their pack.
"That's great, Kristin. If you need anything, let me know. Are you feeling overwhelmed or anything?" Beck knew she also had a lot on her plate as she was also a full time Beta. She was never one to complain, though. She bared her own burdens on shoulders that refused to slouch. Beck, Carter, and Kristin had all managed to keep their chins up for the last decade.
Kristin just scoffed and gave him a big toothy grin. "Please, Beck. If I'm asking you for help, you know shit is really hitting the fan."
Beck just shook his head pleasantly. "I just want to make sure you're alright."
Kristin's smile softened ever so slightly, not with pity, but with the mutual understanding that they had both seen the worst of things. "I know. I'll let you know."
They split off after that, she had to go through some paperwork before class and Beck had to get to Yukon's. At Yukon's cabin, he met up with Carter and with the help of a few other wolves, they got to work on the nursery addition. The hours of the day flew by. Beck's thoughts managed to stay mostly focused on his tasks, but his mind occasionally drifted to Millie and her appointment. He was extremely worried for her and her heart. After what she had told him, his anxiety had been dragging behind him like an additional weight.
After a lunch break with the elders, they continued on adding the framing for the rest of the afternoon. Suddenly, it was almost dinner time and Beck finally realized he hadn't heard from Millie all day. After checking his pockets, he knew he had forgotten his phone on the counter in his cabin. Before her, he never needed to carry it on him, it was a habit to leave it at home.
"Why don't you folks call it a day?" Hayley said after she appeared through the tarp that provided protection from the elements through the giant hole they had created in the cabin. "It's getting cold and dark."
Yukon sidled up next to his mate and tossed a large arm over her shoulders, pulling her in for a kiss. The public display, though customary, shot a sharp feeling through Beck's chest.
"Thank you all for your help." Yukon said, addressing the crew. "Especially you, Alpha. You have such a vision with building and we couldn't do this without you."
Beck smiled and shook forearms with the male. "It's not a problem. I'll be back to help on Wednesday."
The crew exchanged goodbyes and Beck was mildly relieved to get back home before his evening training. Back in his cabin, he found his phone where he left it. He was mildly shocked when he picked it up. There wasn't a single notification. She had promised to update him on the appointment and for some reason, he had expected at least a single text from her. But there was nothing.
An unnamed emotion struck him, leaving him feeling unstable and rejected. He braced his hands on the edge of the counter, feeling the trembling starting in his fingertips. Beck knew he was angry but wasn't quite sure why. She didn't have to text him if she didn't want to, but she said she would. Overall, he knew he was just worried about her. Without a second thought, he decided to do something about it.
Beck secured some clothing to his back leg using a rope and quickly shifted. Using the long way to avoid crossing roads or through neighborhoods, he ran to Millie's house. She lived on the South perimeter of Sapher and it was a long run through the woods to get to her. When he stopped, hovering in the tree line across from her home, he allowed himself to pause and breathe. He remained just out of sight, the daylight had rapidly faded to the dim of evening. It was still cold enough out that his breath formed icy puffs in the air. The small rambler was dark save for one lamp on in the living room, barely visible through the curtains. His ability to hear clued him in that no one was up in the home.
Beck shifted back to skin, dressed, and walked across the street to circle the house. He felt crazy, like a stalker. But he needed to make sure she was alright. Finding her room was easy enough and he paused outside her window without looking in.
One deep breath, another... Was he really going to do this? Internally, he struggled with yes or no. It had been a long time since he found himself unsure of his position. Usually, he was good at making a decision, quick and efficient with his choices. Here, he found himself in uncharted territory. Much to his pleasure and dismay, her window was cracked open. Through it, he could hear her steady breathing and the irregular thump of her heart.
"Fuck," he hissed, and silently pushed the window up. Without hesitation, he raised himself up and in, landing softly on her floor.
Inside of her bedroom, he felt like he had landed on another planet. Millie's room was mostly tidy and minimalistic save for a few haphazard piles of books and homework. Her desk was neatly stacked with a few textbooks, writing utensils, notepads, and a laptop. Her bed was draped in white sheets and a duvet. She laid somewhere under the pile of blankets, a lump in the dark.
Without thinking, Beck stepped further in, step by step until he was looking down over her bed. Her cell phone was nowhere in site and he wondered if she had lost it. He felt like a fool, overcome by his emotions. At the same time, Beck was relieved to see her safe and sound.
Millie laid on one side of the full sized bed, facing away from him.
With sudden, unbelievable desperation, he slid into bed with her. Within seconds her smell overwhelmed him: the desert, sage, cinnamon, and oranges. He wrapped an arm around her waist and gently drug her to his chest so he could bury his nose into her hair. Layered over her scent was the smell of the hospital: antiseptic, flowers, death, medicine. A soft sigh escaped her and she stirred in her sleep before snuggling in closer to him and relaxing deeper into sleep.
Beck stayed like that until just before dawn, holding her to his chest as she slept, breathing in her scent, listening to the rhythm of her heart. He felt an indescribable heaviness inside of her, as if she was holding on to something, stressing, even in her sleep. Despite that, he felt more relaxed and content than he had ever experienced in the night. Usually, his sleep was rocked by night terrors, but that night none came. It was just Millie and Beck in that moment, sleeping.
When he needed to leave in order to make it to training on time, he left her with a kiss on her temple and slid into the morning, returning her window to the prior position. It was painful to leave his female, but he planned to see her again later that day, if not again that night. He felt guilty, like a user addicted to a drug.
One thing Beck knew for certain, sleeping without her again felt like a sin.
lots of love,
LS