This has to be the dumbest thing I've ever done.
But even as the thought flashes through my mind, I'm taking off my shirt.
Negan has to be the most terrifying, manipulative, ruthless man I've ever come across. But every since I've been here, I've seen another side to him too. He really seems to care about his people. And strangely, I believe that he will keep me safe too. As long as I follow him, anyway.
And I can't deny my attraction to him anymore. The way he kissed me yesterday keeps playing on repeat in my mind. The image of his naked body is certainly ingrained in my brain now.
This could just be a shower, I think as I take off my jeans. It doesn't have to lead to anything.
Oh, who are you trying to fool here? You want it to lead to all kinds of things.
When I've dressed down entirely, I take a look at myself in the mirror. The last man who ever saw me naked was Aiden, the oldest son of Alexandria's former leaders Deanna and Reg. We had a short fling that didn't lead anywhere, because he was a bit of a jackass, to be honest. But that's over a year ago, so to stand naked in front of Negan now feels very... vulnerable.
But the truth is that I've already made up my mind. Even though it's a little uncomfortable and even though it's a bad idea on all accounts, I want to get into that shower with him and see what happens. So I take a deep breath and open the door to his bathroom.
He has a pretty large walk-in shower and he has his back to the door when I walk in. He must not have heard me, because he doesn't react, giving me another chance to take a shameless look at his backside.
But then he hears the door close and he immediately turns around. His face lights up when he sees me. I feel a bit self-conscious when his eyes look me over from top to bottom, but his face doesn't betray an ounce of disappointment.
'It's not fair', he says when he's completed his assessment.
'What's not fair?' I ask, confused.
'Some people get a pretty face, some get a great body, some get a good set of brains and some get nothing at all, but you... Honey, you hit the jackpot and went home with everything.'
'Oh.' I lower my eyes and laugh a little nervously. I try not to base my self-worth on what other people think of me, but of course it's nice to receive some validation now and then.
'Get over here', Negan says eagerly, inviting me into the shower.
My body trembles a little with nerves and anticipation when I make my way over and get close to Negan. Really close.
I almost laugh at the eagerness in his eyes when I step under the warm jets of water pouring from the shower. I have to say it's a relief to wash away the sweat and the blood of all the hours I spent fixing up injured Saviours, so I let out a small groan of satisfaction.
Negan stepped aside to make room for me and hasn't touched me yet. But now I feel his hands slide over my back to my shoulders where he starts to massage me.
'Didn't I tell you a shower would do you good?' he asks, his mouth close to my ear.
'You were right', I tell him. I close my eyes to relish in the feel of his hands on my shoulders. It feels very fucking good. But I can't relax entirely. I can't see him now, but he's right behind me and though he keeps a little distance, the thought alone that his entire body could be pressed against mine within a second, makes my skin tingle.
'You need to take a break every now and then, Christina', he says, while he continues to massage my shoulders. 'I can't have my doctor pass out from exhaustion.'
'People should stop trying to kill each other, then', I say with a bit of a sigh. I really shouldn't be here, there's so much still to do. But it all seems so much further away while I stand here in the warm water with Negan.
'Yes, they should', Negan replies, sounding rather weary. Is he upset about what happened? Or upset about what's still going to happen...
'I hate it when things go to shit', he continues. 'But I'm glad you're here to help me fix it.'
He runs his fingers down over my arms and then suddenly grabs my waist.
'You're a God-sent fucking gift', he mumbles into my hair.
I doubt that God has anything to do with it. You murdered your last doctor and kidnapped me to take his place.
But I'm too distracted to argue. Because he pulled me against him and I can feel his arousal pressing up against me. And right now I really don't mind being here.
'I'm happy to help', I say, my voice coming out higher than usual. I'm finding it hard to breathe for some reason.
'I'm glad to hear that', he says, moving my hair to one side to expose my neck. 'Let me show you my appreciation.'
As he leans down to gently kiss my neck, he moves one hand up to my breast and another down to my most intimate parts. I stop breathing altogether when he runs a single finger teasingly over my folds.
I must have tensed up a little, because he pauses his movements, resting his hand right over my entrance.
'Or do you want me to stop?' he asks with his lips to my ear.
Once again, my mind and my body are in conflict with each other. Because my mind knows that I should tell him to stop. But my body is too far gone.
'No', I say softly.
That's the only encouragement he needs to slide his fingers into me. I let out a moan as he caresses the exact right spot. It's clear that this man knows his way around a woman's body. And of course, it doesn't hurt that he already got me pretty excited.
While he expertly moves his fingers in and out of me, he rolls my nipple between his fingers with his other hand. It sends a jolt of delight all through my body and another moan soon escapes me.
'It's fucking hot when you moan for me like that', he grunts. His breathing becomes heavier as well as his movements speed up and I'm starting to feel weak on my legs.
I want to feel his mouth on mine, so I spin around and kiss him. His response is more than eager and he pushes me back against the wall of the shower while he forces my mouth open and lets his tongue run over mine.
The movement caused him to pull his hand away, but he quickly puts it back to continue what he started.
'Ooh', I moan against his mouth when his fingers hit my clit again. He grins shortly and continues to move in the same spot, encouraged by my response.
I let my hands run down his chest, over his stomach, to his dick that had only gotten harder since the moment he put his hands on me. I want to know what it feels like. And I'm happy to find out that it feels pretty good in my hand.
His movements become faster when I start to stroke him too. A little less controlled, but no less enjoyable for it. He takes his mouth off mine to let out a moan as well when I let my hand slide over the length of his impressive member.
'I figured you'd be good with your hands', he jokes, the words coming out a bit slurred with excitement.
I start to laugh, but he cuts me off when he kisses me again. Shit, I never should have done this. Because now I'll want to do it again.
For the first time in months, I have no worries. No fears, no stress, no anxiety. The only feeling is the overwhelming state of ecstasy he brings me to with every movement of his fingers.
We make out almost hungrily, only taking our lips off of each other to moan or gasp while we drive each other to the glorious feeling of sensational climax. It doesn't take long for my body to succumb, and only moments later, I feel the warm ooze of his climax too, landing on my body only to be washed away by the streams of the shower.
Afterwards, we stand breathing heavily in each other's arms. I let myself lean against him, unable to stand on my own and rest my head against his chest while he softly brushes his fingers over my hair and back.
I'm sure I'll regret this later. But right now, in the afterbliss of everything we just did, I feel no regret at all.
'Just so you know, you're welcome to shower with me any time you want', Negan says when he's finally recovered his breath.
I snicker and raise my face to look at him.
'I might keep you to that.'
He smiles back and kisses me shortly. Then he reaches past me and turns off the faucet. I feel a twinge of disappointment, but of course he's right. We can't stay here forever.
'Oh, there's nothing I'd rather do than stay in here with you all day', he says, catching the disappointment on my face. 'But we've both got things to do. And when I really fuck you for the first time, I want to take my time.'
What am I supposed to say to that? I just stare at him and try to hold back when he holds me and kisses me. Part of me wants to tell him I don't give a shit about the things we have to do and beg him to fuck me, but as the afterwaves of that amazing orgasm are starting to subdue, the more rational part of my brain starts to take over again.
'You're right', I say, trying to clear my head some more. 'I should get back to my patients.'
'And I should figure out what the hell is next', Negan mumbles as he grabs a towel and wraps it around me.
'I think I can dry myself off', I tell him with a smile when he starts to rub me dry.
'You can do anything yourself', he says, grinning back. 'Like what we just did in there. But isn't it more fun more when someone else does it to you?'
'I'm not sure I can do that myself', I mumble, a slight blush rising to my face. Not like that, anyway.
'So you liked it, huh?' he asks, sounding very pleased with himself.
'It was alright', I tease him, pulling the towel from his hands. For fuck's sake, it was mindblowing. But I don't need to tell him that, because it was already obvious.
His grin spreads wider, but he doesn't push it any further. I take a stealthy look at him as he starts to dry myself off. Fuck, why does he have to be so good-looking? Maybe if this had all been horribly disappointing I would have been able to put it all out of my head. Now I just want more.
'So, what do you think will happen now?' I ask him as we make our way to his room to gather our clothes. I ask it to make my mind focus on something else, and because I'm actually curious.
'Shit, I'm not sure', he says with a tone that's hard to read. 'But I'm afraid that things are going to get worse before they get better.'
I take a look at him and wonder what he thinks of all this. Does he worry about his people? Does it bother him that he might have do hurt or kill people? Or is he eager to quench his bloodthirst?
'Don't you worry about it', he tells me when he sees the look on my face while he pulls up his jeans. 'Nothing will happen to you or to Ella. I promised you, didn't I? I'll keep you safe.'
I offer him a short smile, before turning to my own clothes to hide my face. Sure, I believe that he'll keep us safe. But my worry isn't really for us at the moment. I'm afraid of what he'll do to everybody in Alexandria. But now is not the time to discuss that.
When I stay silent, he walks over and gently turns my face up to look at him.
'You believe me, don't you?' he asks me. His deep stare into my eyes causes any words that I may have replied to stay stuck in my throat. So I just nod.
'Good', he smiles. Than he leans down to kiss me. And it makes me long for more. I thought I might be able to think more clearly after that sweet release. But I might have been wrong.
'Go take care of your patients', he says when he lets go of me again. 'They need you. Don't know what we would have done without you.'
His meaning is clear. He's dismissing me. But I'm not offended. He must have a million things to do now that things have gone so wrong with the communities.
'Yes', I agree, straightening my clothes a little now that I've put them back on.
'Hope nobody died while we were getting frisky in the shower', I mumble as an afterthought.
Negan catches it and laughs loudly.
'If they did, at least they died for a good cause.'
He takes my arm and pulls me closer one more time.
'I'll see you soon', he says after a short kiss.
'I hope so', I say, my eyes lingering on his lips.
And I mean it.