"Eh, loko naman pala 'yang Ishtar 'yan, eh!"
That was Ada's first reaction after I was done telling her the story. She looked mad. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay n'ya. Her nostrils flared. I even noticed her gritting her teeth. Nahampas pa nga ang coffee table sa harap namin nang sabihin iyon.
I just stared at her, surprised by her reaction. I was... amused. She was so into it. Hindi ko akalaing ganito ang magiging reaksyon n'ya sa ikinuwento ko sa kanya. It was so amusing to see her react this way to the story of a stranger, of someone she barely even knows.
I was even surprised at how easily I told her about Angela. Isang bagay na hirap na hirap akong ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko. It took me more than a decade to finally tell them about Angela. Hirap na hirap pa nga akong ikwento iyon.
But with Ada, it was different. It was easy for me to tell the story. It just flowed out in me almost naturally. Na para bang ilang taon akong hindi nahirapan sa pagkukwento noon.
Ada let me finish the story first before giving her reaction. Hindi nga nagsasalita habang nagkukwento ako. But I could see clearly her reaction in some parts that were too much for her. Pinipigilan lang magsalita. Pero kitang-kita ko naman ang nararamdaman n'ya as she was so easy to read. She really waited for me to finish the story before saying anything.
That's why right now, she looked mad.
"Nakakainis, ha?" sabi pa n'yang mas lalong napasimangot. "Lapit pa talaga s'ya nang lapit sa 'yo. Hindi ba s'ya nakokonsensya sa ginawa n'ya?"
I just watched her as she ranted. It made me feel good somehow. It felt as if she was letting it all out, for me. Just watching her felt as if I was the one who was also ranting too. Nababawasan ang bigat ng loob ko dahil sa ginagawa n'ya.
Is this the reason why people like opening up to strangers? Besides the fact that you could let out some burden in your chest? Ang bilis kong naramdaman ang bahagyang paggaan ng pakiramdam ko. Kahit na alam kong mas lamang pa rin ang bigat sa dibdib ko, still, this was an achievement.
I took a deep breath, feeling relieved that there was more space now in my chest for me to breathe.
"Grabe, kung ako 'yon, mahihiya na akong ipakita 'yung pagmumukha ko sa 'yo," she said. "Hindi mo na nga s'ya pinakulong, eh."
"Apparently, she doesn't feel the same."
"Iyon nga, eh. Tapos pinipilit n'ya pa 'yung gusto n'yang mangyari kahit ayaw mo na naman." She sighed. "May mga taong gano'n, 'no? Sobrang insensitive. Ang kakapal ng mukha."
I chuckled. Ang diin kasi ng pagkakasabi n'ya. Parang may pinanghuhugutan.
"Totoo nga!" giit n'ya. Akala yata ay hindi ako naniwala dahil sa mahinang pagtawa ko. "Maraming gan'yan. Parang wala silang pakialam sa nararamdaman ng ibang tao. Ang gusto lang, mangyari 'yung gusto nila. Hindi nila iniisip kung gaano ba nasasaktan 'yung tao dahil sa ginawa nila. Kung gaano kalaki ang naging epekto ng ginawa nila. Parang mga 'di nag-iisip."
I pursed my lips, trying to keep myself from smiling. But I knew I couldn't stop it so I just tried to hide my smile from sipping the tea again. Itinago ko sa kanya ang ngiti ko.
It was amusing how she was reacting so much to my story. Parang bawing-bawi ang ilang taon kong kinipkip ang sakit sa dibdib ko dahil sa nakikitang kong mga reaksyon mula kay Ada.
"Are you bad-mouthing Ishtar behind her back?" I casually asked. Pinipigilan pa rin ang ngiti.
Ada looked like she only realized what she'd done. She looked guilty for a second. Napangiwi pa nga.
"Ah... Inagawan ba kita? Ikaw ang dapat gumawa no'n, 'no? Ikaw naman 'yung nasaktan n'ya."
"What?" I asked, confused.
"'Wag mong sabihing hindi mo pa nagagawa 'yon?" What the hell is she talking about? "Sabagay. Karamihan sa mga lalaki, gan'yan talaga."
"Like what?"
"Mga babae lang kadalasan 'yung ganito," sabi n'yang mas kausap ang sarili. She took a deep breath. Isang beses s'yang tumango na parang may naisip na magandang solusyon. "Okay. Ako na lang ang gagawa no'n para sa 'yo."
I have no idea what the hell she is talking about right now. I just assumed she'd do something in my place. But I think it wasn't something I should be thankful for so I didn't say anything.
"Kaya pala galit na galit ka sa kanya. Ang tingin ko pa naman nu'n sa 'yo, walang kwentang lalaki kasi ganu'n ka magsalita kay Ishtar. Deserve naman pala n'ya kung galing sa 'yo."
Napakurap ako. Hindi alam kung mananakit na naman ba ang ulo o ano.
"You think wala akong kwentang lalaki?"
Natawa si Ada. Tapos ay umiling.
"Nu'ng una lang! Nagulat kasi ako. Pinagsalitaan mo ng gano'n 'yung babae." She smiled at me guiltily. "Pasensya na. Hindi ko pa kasi alam 'yung kwento n'yo no'n."
"Hmm..." Pinaningkitan ko s'ya ng mga mata. "Alright..."
"Deserve rin n'ya kung hindi matutupad ang birthday wish n'ya. Okay lang kahit hindi ka pumunta sa birthday party n'ya."
"Are you telling me not to go?"
"Ayaw mo naman, 'di ba?"
"But she asked you to talk to me to it."
She frowned. Mukhang naiinis na sa hindi deretso kong sagot.
"Wala nga akong magagawa kung ayaw mong pumunta."
"But you don't want me to go?"
She stared at me. I almost laughed when I saw the puzzled look on her face. Mukha s'yang nalilito at sinusubukang basahin kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Kanina ko pa kasi hindi sinasagot ang tanong n'ya.
And then she frowned when she probably finally noticed that I was just playing with her.
"Alam mo may lagnat ka nga. Hilo ka na. Paikot-ikot lang 'yung usapan natin."
I laughed. Napatingin ako sa tsaa a
ko. I was amazed when I still saw steam coming out of it. Ibig sabihin, hindi ganoon kahaba ang naging kwento ko. The tea was still hot even in the air-conditioned room. Hindi naman masyadong malamig dahil hininaan na rin iyon ni Ada kanina. I couldn't even feel the coldness of the room. Kaya rin siguro hindi mabilis mawala ang init ng tsaa.
Woah... Does that also mean that I managed to tell Ada about Angela without stopping at every painful memory just to breathe? Or to calm myself? Or to try to keep myself steady and not let pain take over me? Ibig sabihin ay tuloy-tuloy lang akong nagkwento sa kanya.
Still... I didn't tell her everything anyway. I only told her the necessary details so she could easily understand what happened. Kung bakit may "patayan." But I think I told her everything about Angela.
This was the first time I've been so detailed talking about Angela to someone. Maybe because I really wanted Ada to understand. I wanted someone to understand me. I wanted this stranger to understand everything about Angela too. I wanted her to feel that she already knew Angela just by my stories.
"Mahal na mahal mo talaga s'ya, 'no?" Ada said after a while.
I looked at her. There was a small smile on her lips but I could see a tinge of sadness in her eyes. Usually, I would get mad seeing that emotion from people. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay kinakaawaan ako. Kaya nga ayoko ring magkwento sa mga kaibigan ko.
But seeing Ada now, I realized that that would be their normal reaction. Angela's story would make them sad. Our story would make people sad. Because the love that we had before was only a memory now.
It was a wonderful whirlwind romance. But just like the wind that suddenly came, it also ended before I could even feel calm from the breeze, before I could even feel it to my skin.
I smiled at Ada. But I probably mirrored the emotion in her eyes. But this time, it wasn't only a tinge of sadness. I knew she could see how much I suffered; how miserable I felt in my eyes.
"Angela," she said.
I felt my heart start beating fast. Her name would always have that effect on me. Hinding-hindi mawawala iyon. Kahit ilang taon pa ang lumipas.
I stared at Ada. Ramdam ko pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko. Halos sumabay iyon sa tunog ng orasan na nasa likuran n'ya.
I fixed my gaze on the clock behind her. I was counting down the seconds, feeling my heartbeat as I listened to every tick and tock of the clock. It felt as if the clock was keeping me aware of my heartbeat. It seemed to be counting every beat of my heart.
"I love her so much," I said. Mas lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko na sumasabay sa tunog ng orasan. "With all my life."
Ada nodded. There was understanding in her eyes. Nakita ko pa ang pangingilid ng luha sa mga mata n'ya. I could also see hurt from them. As if she's hurting for me. As if she could feel what I'd been feeling for so long.
And it was enough for me. I was feeling guilty about these feelings. Pakiramdam ko, wala akong karapatan sa mga emosyong 'to. I was the reason why Angela died. Wala akong karapatang masaktan o malungkot.
I was feeling guilty that it has been so long yet I still couldn't get over her death. Kaya ayokong magsabi. Ayokong magkuwento. Ayokong marinig ang sasabihin ng iba na dahil matagal na panahon na ang lumipas, I should move on. That I should forget all about it. I should put it behind me. Ayokong marinig ang mga sasabihin nilang dapat kong gawin na para bang napakadaling gawin iyon.
They weren't the ones in my shoes. They didn't feel what I felt. They didn't suffer like how I suffered. They didn't love Angela like how I loved her.
But with Ada now, pakiramdam ko, ayos lang maramdaman ko ang lahat ng 'yon. Ayos lang na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas ay hindi pa rin natatanggal ang sakit. Na naiintindihan n'ya kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nahihirapan pa rin ako. Na nasasaktan pa rin ako. There was so much understanding in her eyes. And it was enough for me.
Pakiramdam ko, nakahanap ako ng kakampi.
"Do you think I'm pathetic?" I asked. "Ang tagal na panahon na pero hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang lahat. Hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang sakit."
She shook her head. She was looking at me with so much gentleness in her eyes.
"Of course not, Lucius... Emosyon mo 'yan. Walang mali sa nararamdaman mo. Masyadong masakit ang nangyari sa 'yo. Ako ngang nakikinig lang, sobra nang nasaktan. Paano pa kaya ikaw na nakaranas ng lahat ng 'yon?"
I looked down, looking at the tea. Masyadong masakit ang lalamunan ko para uminom ulit noon. So, I just kept my head low, not looking at Ada as I felt like I would burst into tears again if I looked at her.
"Pero 'wag mo sanang sisisihin ang sarili mo sa nangyari, Lucius. Wala kang kasalanan."
"Kasalanan ko. Kung hindi sana ako nakilala ni Angela, buhay pa sana s'ya ngayon."
Ada took a deep breath. Inabot n'ya ang kamay kong nakahawak sa tasa. She looked me deeply in the eye.
"Wala kang kasalanan," ulit n'ya. Para talagang ipinapaintindi sa 'kin. "Hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari. Nobody is blaming you for what happened."
"Si Angela," I said, remembering my dream. "Sinisisi n'ya ako sa nangyari. She told me in my dreams."
"It was guilt, Lucius..." She squeezed my hand. "It was your guilt. At iyon ang dapat mong pakawalan."
I felt a lump in my throat. Sinubukan kong lumunok pero nasaktan lang ako. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ni Ada sa kamay ko na para bang kapag binitiwan n'ya ako ay mawawala rin ako. Mawawala na naman ako sa sarili ko.
"Base sa mga kwento mo, alam kong napakabuting tao ni Angela. Alam kong hinding-hindi ka n'ya sisisihin sa nangyari. Hinding-hindi n'ya pagsisisihang nakilala ka n'ya. Hinding-hindi n'ya pagsisisihang minahal ka n'ya."
Tears pooled in her eyes. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. Pinapanood kung paano nagtubig ang mga mata n'ya. And I felt my eyes watering too. My vision of her blurred even more. Kasabay ng panlalabo dahil sa usok mula sa tsaa na nakapagitan sa 'min.
"Sobrang ganda ng naging pagmamahalan n'yo," she said, her lips quivering. "It was so pure, so wonderful. 'Wag mo sanang tingnan iyon bilang mapapait o masasakit na alaala. Kasi kung ako si Angela, hindi ko gugustuhin kung sa ganoong paraan ako maaalala ng taong sobra kong minahal."
I felt tears fall down my eyes but I didn't bother wiping them. Ang sakit sa dibdib ko ay lumalala. But there was something different about it now. Ngayong sa tingin kong hindi kasalanan ang pag-iyak ko.
It was Ada who wiped my tears. Ang malaya n'yang kamay ay inabot ang pisngi ko. She gently brushed away my tears with her thumb. Magaan lang iyon. Halos hindi ko maramdaman. It felt as if a wind gently brushing my tears away from my cheeks.
"You think so?" I asked. "Sa tingin mo, minahal n'ya ako?"
"Oo naman." May tumulong luha sa mga mata n'ya pero hindi n'ya iyon pinunasan. She was busy wiping my tears instead. "Kahit na hindi ka n'ya nakilala bilang Lucius D'Angelo, alam kong totoong pagmamahal ang ipinakita n'ya. At alam ko rin na mas totoo pa ang ipinakita mo sa kanya kahit hindi ka nagpakilala sa totoo mong pangalan."
Sinubukan kong abutin ang pisngi n'ya. I wiped her tears and she chuckled with that.
"You have to let go of your guilt," she said. "Alam kong maraming bagay kang pinagsisisihan, pero kailangan mo ring pakawalan 'yon."
"How?" nahihirapan kong tanong. "Sobrang hirap..."
She nodded. I felt her squeeze my hand again.
"Alam ko... Alam kong mahirap lalo na kung matagal na iyon ang pinaniwalaan mo. Lalo na kung matagal mo nang kinikimkim ang lahat ng 'yon. Pero hindi mo naman kailangang biglain lahat. Baby steps..." she said and smiled at me. "Bakit hindi mo simulan ngayon?"
"I don't where to start. I don't even know how to start."
Hindi ko alam. Paano ba? Paano ko ba gagawin ko? Am I even allowed to do this? Do I even deserve this? Do I even deserve to let go of the pain and guilt?
And as if Ada could hear my thoughts, she squeezed my hand again. Ikinulong n'ya sa mga palad n'ya ang kamay ko habang hawak ko pa rin ang tasa ng tsaa.
"Talk to Angela," she said.
"What?"
"Tell her everything. Your regrets. Your guilt. Lahat ng bagay na hindi mo nasabi sa kanya."
My chest tightened. I shuddered a breath. Bigla akong kinabahan. Bigla akong nanlamig. And I know that my hand would even shake if only Ada wasn't holding them.
Pero mukhang naramdaman pa rin iyon ni Ada. Humigpit ang pagkakakapit n'ya sa kamay ko.
"I..." I took a deep, shaky breath. "I did... I already told her. In front of her tomb."
"Then talk to her as if she's alive. Kausapin mo s'ya na para bang buhay at nasa harap mo lang."
"Ada..."
She shook her head. The sound of the clock was getting louder again.
"Mali..." she said. "Sige na... Ito na ang tamang oras."
I looked at the clock behind her. It was two minutes before three am.
Muli akong tumingin kay Ada. She looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
But instead, I shook my head.
"I can't..."
"You can. Of course, you can." She smiled. "Sige na... Tanungin mo ang pangalan ko."
I gritted my teeth. Ramdam ko ang muling pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko.
Fuck. This hurts so much.
Naramdaman ko ang muling paghigpit ng pagkakahawak ni Ada sa mga kamay ko, silently telling me that she's there. She's with me.
I looked at her. She was smiling gently at me.
I took a deep breath. Tinitigan ko s'ya sa mga mata.
"What's... What's your name?"
Mas lumawak ang pagngiti ni Ada. Her thumb brushed gently on my thumb.
"Angela."
I clenched my jaw, trying to stop my tears. Trying to stop the pain from taking over me.
But just like before, I couldn't do it. I couldn't control it. It was hard. It was so damn fucking hard.
Pero muli kong naramdaman ang masuyong paghaplos ni Ada sa kamay ko. Her thumb caressed mine, comforting me.
I looked at her. She was still waiting for me to speak. The sound of the clock reminded me of the time. As if it was also waiting for me.
I felt a lump in my throat. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa tasa.
"You're not... dead."
She smiled warmly at me. She nodded. The steam from the tea and my teary eyes just added a blur to my vision of her.
I stared at her, imagining that she was indeed Angela. That the love of my love was really in front of me, smiling at me, holding my hand. I tried to imagine that she was looking at me with the love and warmth in her eyes I always love to see.
And just like that, I broke down again. Bigla ang pagbuhos ng luha sa mga mata ko.
Hindi ko na nakayanan. I held her hand hands, Dinala ko iyon sa mga labi ko habang patuloy pa ring umiiyak.
"Thank you for being alive. Thank you for coming back to me."
Then the clock strikes three.