The last thing I wanted on my mind was Thomas. The last damn thing. His body close to mine, my fingers latched around his arms, steadying him, the fresh smell of... I didn't even fucking know what but it smelt damn good to me. As cliché as that sounded. Just last night did I stay up, not remembering my pain, not exhausting myself with the thought of leaving the world and my family, but the thought of Thomas this close. We weren't even doing anything I kinda dreamed about a few times but... I enjoyed my time being this close.
His awkward shifts, stuttered breath and irregular heartbeats made it all clear to me. And I couldn't believe as an amateur psychologist I never picked it up before. I knew what I said about knowing the difference between admiration in determination and beauty, and admiration in something more than just friends. But I misread, something I did a lot and deluded myself for the sole fact I never wanted to harm Thomas in any way. I was a big, intimidating guy and yet Thomas looked right past that, and I now knew what his eyes said when I first went back to how he looked at me in just a towel that day.
He admired me, his eyes showing that was a beautiful man on the outside and that's nice and all, but they also admired me in a way where he looked at me as a mystery, waiting for all the clues to line up. My second class, Personality Psychology, a solid background in the numerous theories of personality development, including Freudian, psycho social, behavioural, humanistic and existential theories dabbled in the arts of attraction. Of how the mind perceived others attractive and others not so. Like how the standard beauty in today's society were curvy, athletic woman and lean built men like Chris.
Tori sure never lived by those standards and I... I did fall for him, who that build society desired men to have. But then again, I had the biggest crush on Lee, the better brother of the Carter siblings.
"There's a lot you can read in someone's eyes, how they walk and act and how they carry themselves – that can tell you a lot about their personality. But there's a lot you can learn from it, too, and how attracted they are to certain things and people. Human Nature," Mr. Hawken once said. And that I realized, for some odd reason now, this close to Thomas, his awkward and adorable personality hinted towards a man who felt a strong attraction to me like I did him.
Personality referred to a pattern of thoughts, feelings, social adjustments... it predicted reactions to others and since we stepped foot in Arrow, the minute I began training him I followed his patterns. Now it didn't even make any damn sense how attraction and personality came one in hand until I looked at the bigger picture. With Tori, Thomas was open, loud-mouthed and quite a funny guy and yet around me, reserved, awkward. His personality always differed around different people and it wasn't like he changed, it was just a behavioural thing. You know?
I bet I don't make a damn sense but I do understand it.
Chris was right. He was actually right and I wouldn't tell him that. Who knows what the guy would do once he heard that – I'd never live it down.
Psychology was just a cluster-fuck in my mind, but it made sense after a while and I understood. I understood Thomas liked me more than I thought. So would I honestly take that risk? Would I?
All I've wanted to do was hold him closer, keep him wrapped in a loving embrace as we just talked about anything really. All I've wanted were those lips on mine and I bet he felt the same way, so would I be stupid enough to take the risk and ruin such a great friendship I have with him now? He didn't know my story, not all of it and I wasn't sure when I'd be ready. Thomas didn't feel ready to even tell me his feelings but I suspected he figured I was into girls only.
All I've wanted... was just someone else who I loved and cared for and protected, who never reminded me one bit of him.
So would I take that risk...?
"Think you can hit the target?" I asked him, finally breaking the prolonged, thick air I choked on. Though for him, it must've felt like a few seconds of awkwardness.
"Yeah... I think I can."
I backed off of him quick and watched. Helped him position right, with how he drew his arrow and nocked it and now all he had to do was shoot.
He did much better than my dad who went on a competitive streak with Logan. Ever since we got here they were thrilled for a competition and it happened right away once I trained Logan a little bit. He was a bit of a difficult man who wanted to fly by the training process because he wanted beat my dad so bad. It humoured me watching them bicker and fight like brothers, reminding me of those good times where I squared Chris in the jaw one too many times.
Ah, the good old days.
"I think I did good, right? I mean, it kind of hit the middle and that's good," Thomas said, mostly thinking to himself. Then we locked eyes. "That was good, right?"
"You sucked a little bit less than my dad." Hearing him laugh made me shift in a good way.
"I heard that, Chance!" I looked back at my dad and just waved, smiling. He eyed me down and Logan couldn't control himself, neither did Thomas. "See if you get any dinner tonight!"
"Then I'll cook for myself!" And I laughed. My dad just turned to Logan, no doubt talking shit, planning for when he'd kick me out of the house. If not, Tori first.
I turned back to Thomas whose smile reached his eyes and now that I understood, I noticed the fact how his eyes glistened in a way. This was just going to be fucking hell with me and my complicated feelings. Whether I wanted that risk or not would kill me among the other things in my life and man, I didn't know what to choose. Tori would kill me, Chris and Levy would congratulate me and I wouldn't even know how Leone would react.
Then there came school and midterms were on the rise and the fact that I dreaded Monday when the football positions would be up. I just didn't fucking know what to do right now. I said to myself I wouldn't do anything to risk my friendship with Thomas so why did I go back on my own words?
"I kind of want to try parkour now," Thomas said and my attention trained on him. "Well, after I shoot a couple of more arrows."
For no particular reason, I chuckled. "That's fine by me. Parkour's actually really fun. You just jump and coil and turn and fucking face plant," I told him. Watching his adorable shine more made me happier. "I mean, you get a few bruises here and there, and on your ass, but it's fun." I pulled up two thumbs up and he laughed.
"Tori's told me how many times you've flopped."
"Did she really? How about the times she face planted?"
Shock filled his face but his smile turned curious. "Really? She never told me that."
"She thinks she's perfect, that's why. She needs to learn normalness."
"I doubt that."
He made it really hard for me to say no. I made it difficult to say no, too, but I needed to realize the consequences to how the risk would've panned out.
Simple binary, Chance...
When Thomas shot a couple more arrows, learning quite fast, we put the bows and arrows away and switched over to the practical course for parkour. Logan and my dad went back to arrows now and Thomas' nervous excitement was an interesting mix, to say the least. And if it wasn't cliché enough, when Thomas pulled himself up on a ledge, trying to balance himself, he weight fell back and by instinct, I stood behind him and caught him in my arms. For a split second, I never wanted to let go or put him down, but I reassured myself of the cons, rather than the pros my sake.
"Okay... let's not do that again. Nope," he said, and I chuckled to myself. A small sense of something overcame. I wish I knew what.
"Let's try the monkey bars instead. I'm pretty sure those arms of yours have been put to good use." I figured he'd realize but he looked lost at my response. But when we neared the bars, he looked back, lost, then his face corrected and he bent down catching his breath.
I wouldn't make myself awkward around me knowing the fact he liked me and I liked him. That'd be stupid of me.
"Oh my God... I like that you're more subtle with the jokes while everyone else, especially that woman is so straightforward. She's always like, don't get too excited now, that dick's gonna explode and Christmas will be early. And I'm just like, stop this. Oh my God." I reflected Thomas' actions more so because I heard that line from Tori so many times and still got me. That was the joke she used on me a lot of times, just to see a smile, hear a laugh and brighten my mood.
Hearing it from Thomas felt weird and that's what made it funnier. I hoped for the rest of the day we were here, I'd understand where I'd have to stand in the matter.