Chapter 23
Avian Burn's Point of View
We ate our dinner in silence. Kahit si Klaude ay hindi na rin napigilan kumain. Good thing Dr. Marco Lahm allowed him to eat fried chicken with the infusion on.
"I'm really sorry for troubling the two of you." Sabi niya at nilanghap ang amoy ng fried chicken.
"I told you Klaude, it's fine." Ilang beses ko na yata pinaulit-ulit ang katang ito sa kanya. I don't mind spending my time in the hospital. Even Kagan looked like he was rather comfortable inside.
"But thank you for the meal. Didn't know I was famished until I smelled this." He took a big bite of his chicken and ate a spoonful of rice. May nakalagay na table sa kanyang higaan at doon na siya kumain. I took a drumstick and started eating too. Kagan even bought iced coffee for us. Isn't he so thoughtful?
Naagaw lang ang atensiyon namin nang may tumawag kay Klaude nang bumukas ang pinto niya.
"Klaude!" It was Nadia. Nakita ko ang pagtigil na Klaude sa pagkain ng kanyang fried chicken. He was about to take another bite not until Nadia resurfaced. Ang mas nakakagulat pa ay hindi lang si Nadia ang nandito kundi pati na rin si Dan. Nakasunod ito sa dalaga habang nakasimangot. Okay, what's happening in here?
Tumingin si Klaude sa akin na parang nagtatanong. Pero umiling ako na parang sinasabi na wala akong sinasabi kay Nadia na nandito sa hospital si Klaude.
"Nadia? What are you doing here?" He coughed loudly. The food must caught up in his throat. I can't help but feel amused when Dan nonchalantly sits on the same sofa we're sitting on— in front of Kagan. Kagan didn't even glance at Dan.
"I asked your cousin! Kung hindi pa sinabi sa akin ni Kuya Reus ay hindi ko pa malalaman kung anong nangyari sa'yo." She's near to tears. She must really care about Klaude, thinking that she's the only one that Klaude got.
"You're with your... boyfriend." Napalingon si Klaude kay Dan na ngayon ay kumakain na rin ng friend chicken na nakahain sa table.
"Yes. He's worried about you too. Right, Dan?" Nadia turned her face to where we're sitting. Nakita ko ang pagpula ng tenga ni Dan mula sa aking pwesto.
"A little," he cleared his throat. Everyone in this room is no doubt worried about Klaude. Hindi ko lang akalain na magsasama kaming lima sa iisang kwarto. One has a dual personality, one has a weak heart since birth, one has a temper, one is naïve, and one was drowned in self-pity. What a good combination we've got here.
"Am I still dreaming?" Even Klaude looks like he can't believe that we're all here in his room.
"Believe it or not we're really here." Dan said a matter of fact. Kumagat ulit ito sa fried chicken at walang pangundangan na sinawsaw pa sa gravy.
"Nandito ka lang yata para makikain." Sabi ko at nagpatuloy na rin kumain. Even Kagan who's quiet started eating too. It's just that Dan was acting so indifferently today.
"I'm hungry. Just let this man eat in peace, Burn." He shot at me while laughing. There's still a bandaid on his face. I studied Dan's face for a second before. I didn't even notice that Kagan was looking at me not until I saw him in my peripheral vision.
"I'm not gonna get used to this." Ditto, Klaude.
"But you're fine, right? Please stop ignoring me already." Bumalik ang atensiyon ni Klaude kay Nadia.
"I'm fine. My blood pressure just dropped. Pwede na ako umalis bukas din agad. And I wasn't ignoring you Nadia, I was busy." Nakahinga nang maayos si Nadia dahil sa sinabi ni Klaude.
"Are we back being friends again?" She looked at Klaude with such dreamy eyes.
"When did we ever stopped being friends? You silly." Klaude said to Nadia and ruffled her hair. Lumawak naman ang ngiti ni Nadia sa kanyang labi. Congratulations, Nadia. You're now holding the friend and lover card. Take your time hurting the two men being crazy over you. Ngayon naman ay naguusap na si Nadia at Klaude habang patuloy kumakain si Klaude ng fried chicken.
"How cute," I heard Dan whispered. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa drumstick at may halong gigil sa pagkagat dito.
"Are we really gonna do this? Can I just let Nadia do what she wants, and I'll support her?" Baling ni Dan sa akin.
"A love tied into freedom is a love worth pursuing." I said. Kagan stay still. Na parang nakikinig lang siya sa kanyang paligid.
"What there's to be afraid of? Have some confidence in yourself Dan. She chooses you as her boyfriend. You won." Dan sighed in relief.
"I'll believe in your words, Avi." I shook my head.
"It's better if you believe in yourself, Dan. Iparamdam mo sa kanya na hindi niya pagsisihan na ikaw ang pinili niya." Wow. Did I just tell this to Dan? I'm inexperienced when it comes to dating, but these words came to me naturally. Then again, maybe I just don't want Dan to end up being like me. I don't want his jealousy to take over him and do something that he will regret forever.
"Thanks. And I'm really sorry I did that to your arms. I mean it." Turo niya sa braso ko. Hanggang ngayon pala ay hindi ko pa rin napapalitan ang gauze pad sa aking braso. I should ask my Auntie if she can give me gauze pad later.
"You did that to her?" Nagulat ako nang biglang nagsalita si Kagan. He's gaze turned to Dan.
"I told you it was an accident, Grimaldi. You already beat me up, isn't that enough payback?" Baling naman ni Dan kay Kagan na ngayon ay nakakunot ang noo.
"I beat you up?" Kagan suddenly looked down at his bruised fist. Bago pa magsalita si Dan ay agad kong tumayo at nilagyan ng chicken drumsticks ang kanyang bibig.
"Don't," I whispered to his ears. Dan stiffened from his seat. I don't want Dan provoking Kagan. We didn't know when his other personality will show up.
"Anong pinaguusap niyong tatlo?" Masiglang sabi ni Nadia nang naglakad na siya palapit sa aming pwesto.
"Nothing. Just knowing each other." Ako na ang sumagot dahil mukhang walang balak magsalita ang dalawang kalalakihan na nakaupo sa sofa. Nadia sat down besides her boyfriend who have a chicken drumstick on his mouth and one on his hand.
"Dan hindi naman halatang gutom ka." Nadia giggled and wiped the remaining crumbs off her boyfriend's face.
"Have you reconciled with your friend Klaude?" Tumango si Nadia habang hindi pa rin nawawala ang matamis na ngiti niya sa kanyang labi.
"Yep! Thank you for letting me go here Dan! I owe you a lot." She suddenly threw herself into her boyfriend. Agad naman siyang sinalo ni Dan at niyakap ito.
Hindi ko maiwasan na tumingin kay Klaude. He was looking at them, hugging each other. And when our eyes met, he laughed. This setup is ridiculous. Klaude and Dan in one room? Not in my wildest dream.
When I think I couldn't handle the tension in the air, I excused myself and told them I have to go somewhere. Mukhang maayos naman na ang kalagayan ni Klaude dahil nakakatawa na ito nang malakas. Ang hindi ko lang akalain ay sumunod pala sa akin si Kagan sa labas.
"Avian!" He called my name but I continued from walking. Hindi ko inaasahan nang hawakan niya ang pulsuhan ko at ipaharap sa kanya.
"What does he mean by that? Why the fuck is he talking to me like he knows me?" He was confused. And I felt sorry for him.
"Kagan, let go of me." Mahinang sabi ko sa kanya. When he realized what he was doing, he stepped backward.
"I'm sorry, I was just... confused, and there's anger inside me. I want answers."
"Wala sa akin ang sagot Kagan. You are asking the wrong person. If you want answers, why don't you visit a doctor." I said before turning my heels away. I wonder how Kagan will react if he finds out someone is living inside him? I guess it will be unpleasant. I thought Kagan would leave me alone, but he's following me.
"Where are you going?" He calmly asked. He was staring at me with a strange light in his eyes.
"I'm going to visit someone."
"Family?"
"A friend." I answered. We quietly walked side by side and I stopped when I reached Halmeoni's door. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago kumatok ng tatlong beses. Dadan-dahan kong binuksan ang door knob at naabutan ko naman si halmeoni na gising. Mabuti na lang dahil ayaw ko siyang gisingin kung sakaling natutulog siya.
"Halmeoni!" Bati ko sa kanya at napatingin naman siya sa gawi ko.
"Avianssi. I wasn't aware that you're coming." May sumilay na ngiti sa kanyang labi nang makita niya ako nang di inaasahan. I told her that I'm not expecting to be in this hospital too. I told her the reason why I'm here. Tumingin naman siya sa kasama kong si Kagan. Na ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit ngayon at nakasunod pa rin sa akin.
"Who's with you? This is the first time that I've seen you with someone else." Hinila ko si Kagan palapit sa akin at pinakita siya kay halmeoni.
"His name is Kagan, halmeoni." Parang may hinihintay pa si halmeoni na sasabihin ko.
"A friend." The word friend just slipped into my mouth. I hope Kagan doesn't mind. I heard halmeoni giggle.
"What a fine young man." Another laugh coming from halmeoni. Pero nakatingin lang si Kagan kay halmeoni. Kinurot ko siya sa kanyang tagiliran ng palihim. As if I'm silently telling him to respond. Mukhang nakuha naman niya ang ibig kong sabihin at binuka niya ang kanyang bibig.
"Thank you." That's all he can manage to say.
"Halmeoni, it's already two in the morning. Why aren't you sleeping?" Lumapit ako sa kanya at inayos ang pagkalagay ng comforter sa kanyang katawan.
"I just got up, Avianssi. All I did was sleep and rest in the hospital. But I'll rest forever if I die." Bigla itong tumawa nang mahina.
"Halmeoni! Don't say that." I know she wasn't afraid of dying, but how could she be so vulgar about her death?
"Why? I'm going to die, Avianssi. It will be sooner." Kagan look at me, as if he's asking for some context. Hindi ko pa pala nasabi sa kanya ang tungkol kay halmeoni.
"But how could you so accept it so easily?"
"Why not? The best part is I get to say goodbye to everyone close to me. I'm dying, what about it? It's better to be prepared." The first ever death I encountered was the death of Emma. I hate it when I always put Emma in everything I think and do. It's been four years. I haven't moved on since then. Napikit ko ang mata ko. Ramdam ko si Kagan na nakapwesto sa aking likuran. Mukhang nabibigla siya sa usapan namin ni halmeoni.
"Not everyone got a chance to say goodbye." Halmeoni caressed the dorsal surface of my hand. Her wrinkled skin is oddly comforting. Maybe because I didn't have grandparents growing up, it was only me and my mother.
"One of the good things about dying is that you will focus on essential things."
"Essential things?" It was Kagan who seemed more absorbed than ever.
"Important things that matter to you most— knowing yourself." Parehas kaming natigilan ni Kagan. It's just a simple sentence, but it's better said than done.
"Halmeoni, is it okay if you don't know yourself? Isn't it everyone suffers from it?" Halmeoni gave a comfortable laugh. Not an offensive one.
"How could you know what you want if you don't know yourself?" Halmeoni made a face. Suddenly, I felt Kagan's warm breath brush my neck, sending a rash down my body.
"I had a good life because I know myself. I know what I want." It's hard. Halmeoni just made it sound so easy.
One nurse entered the room to check halmeoni's vitals. That was when we excused ourselves.
"Kaganssi, you can visit me anytime you want." Maybe he sees something on Kagan, that's why she invited him again. I smiled at halmeoni and waved goodbye. I told her that I would see him this evening. Alas tres na rin kasi ng madaling araw, at may duty naman ako mamayang gabi.
"Is she Korean?" Kagan asked me when we exited the room.
"Yes." He noticed it in her accent.
"She's dying of stage four bone cancer. Surgery isn't no longer an option for her. She's just waiting to die." Sagot ko dito. Thinking about it made my heart heavy. Sa lahat ng nasamahan kong pasyente at kay halmeoni lang ako napalapit. Hindi ako mabilis mapalapit sa isang tao. Yet once I'm attached to other people, I will care for them truly.
I care for her. I care for her thoughts. I care for her wisdom.
"That's... unfortunate." Kagan glanced back to the door of halmeoni's room.
"She doesn't seem to be unfortunate."
"That's because she'd lived her best life," he pointed out.
"Kailangan na natin makabalik sa kwarto ni Klaude. Malamang ay hinahanap na niya tayo. Besides, it's already three in the freaking morning. Hindi mo ba alam na nagpapakita ang mga multo sa tuwing alas tres ng madaling araw?" Kagan looked at me funnily.
"Huwag mo sabihin sa akin na takot ka sa mga multo? As if they are real." He mused. Patuloy lang kaming naglalakad sa pagkahabang habang hallway.
"Of course not. I'm not afraid of ghosts. Duh. There's something more scarier than ghosts."
"What is scarier than ghosts?"
"Childhood trauma." His face turns sour. I pressed my lips together, realizing this wasn't a laughing matter. He tilted his head, going serious. Kung kanina ay nakataas ang buhok niya, ngayon ay napansin kong bumababa na ito. Our day was eventful. The event finished at ten in the evening. We got to the hospital at twelve in the morning. At three, we're standing in front of each other in an empty hospital hallway. I made a conscious effort not to stare hard at him.
"We need to go back to Klaude's room so he knows we're still alive and kicking." Ako na ang unang umiwas ng tingin at nagpatuloy maglakad.
"Good idea." He sounds less irritated, which I think is a good thing. And I realized that I spent most of my time together with Kagan. Strangely enough, I was leaning on him for emotional support.
***