Sitting in this waiting room, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. This is my very first ultrasound and I can't help but feel extremely anxious about it. I keep fidgeting with my fingers, trying to distract myself from the anxiety that's slowly creeping up on me.
To make things worse, I'm waiting for Billie to arrive, and the thought of her not showing up makes my heart sink even further. I keep glancing at the door, hoping to see her walk in any minute now. As I look out of the huge windows, I can see that it's a cloudy day outside. It almost looks like it might rain or storm, which adds to the tension in the room. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves and focus on my breathing.
I also have to pee really bad but I'm not even allowed to. I had to drink a certain amount of water before the appointment. They told me it had to do something about seeing through soundwaves and the more fluid the better. I don't know, but it's making me highly impatient.
"Wrenley Harrison," My name is called. As I begin to walk toward the nurse who called my name, the bell above the door rang. I turned my head to see Billie walk through the door.
I take a breathe of relief and quickly turn to greet her. "Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. I accidentally made a wrong turn," she apologized sincerely and I can sense genuine regret in her voice.
"Don't worry about it," I shook my head. "But my name just got called so we should go."
She nodded in response, following behind me.
We walk into the ultrasound room together, and the technician greets us with a friendly smile. "Nice to meet you Wrenley. I'm Ashley and I'll be your ultrasound tech today. Is this your first ultrasound?"
"Yeah," I confirmed and sat on the bed where she gestured for me to be.
"Awesome, well don't be nervous at all, it won't hurt and it will be over before you know it," she smiled. "First I'll have you lay down on the bed and get comfortable," she explained while starting up the machine next to me. As I lie down on the table, I can feel my nerves starting to take over again. But almost as though she sensed it, Billie places her hand on mine, giving me a reassuring squeeze.
"So how this is going to go is I'll lift up your shirt a bit and apply some liquid onto your belly, which might be a bit cold. Then taking this tool," she held up an item, "I'll pretty much massage it around your belly and we will be able to see your baby. Sound good?"
"Mhmm," I nodded. She proceeded to do exactly what she had just explained and I shivered at the cool gel that she applied to my stomach. Billie's hand remained in mine and I'm not going to lie, it was comforting.
"Okay, so if you look up at the screen, you'll see this little blob," she pointed out. "No legs or arms have developed yet but it looks like you're about six weeks pregnant and... oh hang on," she stopped mid sentence moving around the machine a bit more.
"Is everything okay?" I asked worriedly, lifting my head a little. Billie sweetly began massaging her thumb on the back of my hand.
"Yes, more than okay!" She chuckled before making eye contact with me. "We should be able to hear the heartbeats today if you're interested?"
"Six weeks?" I asked, my eyes widening with shock.
"Yeah, you're a month and two weeks into your pregnancy," she smiled. "Did you want to hear the heartbeats?"
"Wait, did you say heartbeats? Like... plural?" Billie questioned... I raised my eyebrows in suspicion, I was too focused on how far along I was to hear Ashley say "heartbeats."
"Yes, there are twins in there," she chuckled. "Congratulations!"
I looked over toward Billie with wide eyes and she nodded with a soft smile. Suddenly, we hear a sound that makes my own heart skip a beat. The doctor explains that it was the sound of our baby's heartbeats. I can't help but feel overwhelmed with emotion as a single tear stream down my face. Billie's hand tightens around mine as we both listen in awe to the sound of the tiny beating of two hearts.
At that moment, I know that I'll do anything to protect and love the two little lives growing inside of me. However, I don't know if Billie feels the same way.
After everything was confirmed healthy, I was handed a towel to wipe off the gel and soon enough Billie and I were ready to leave. "Thanks for meeting me here," I spoke to Billie as we walked out of the clinic.
"Of course. I wanted to be there," she smiled softly and we stopped in front of my car. "So, do you know what you want to do yet?" She asked, her tone cautious.
"I think I know but," I cleared my throat, averting my eyes to the concrete ground of the parking lot. "I wouldn't mind having another conversation with you first. I mean, I had just gotten a bit used to the idea of being pregnant with one baby, now there's two, it's a lot!"
"Yeah," she chuckled, "I would love to talk, Wren. Do you wanna come to my place again? It's just the easiest without being seen y'know?"
"Yeah for sure. I'll follow you there," I confirmed before we both got back into our separate vehicles.
That whole experience was wild. I'm much further along in the pregnancy than I thought I would be. Hearing the heartbeats and finding out I had two babies inside of me was a lot more than I expected today. Ashley told us that the babies were the size of a lentil, and when you think about that... it's all just so surreal. A lentil is fucking tiny. It's crazy how this tiny cluster of cells changes absolutely everything.
~~~
"I think I want to keep the babies," I admitted quietly, fidgeting with my rings.
"I kinda figured, especially after hearing the heartbeats today," she added.
"Is that okay?" I looked up at her to find her smiling down at me.
"More than okay, and I told you, I promise to be by your side the whole time, okay? Any appointments, shopping and preparing. I'll be right beside you as much as you need me to, okay?"
"What about when they're here? And picking out names? Or parenting styles? Billie, this isn't going to be easy," I ranted.
"We're going to figure that all out-"
"I want this to be as 50/50 as possible. I want you to feel a part of their lives and upbringing but I don't want to pressure you into that. If you don't want to be here you don't have to," I cut Billie off, continuing to voice my concerns.
"Okay, Wrenley," Billie twisted her body toward me, placing her hands on my shoulders gently. "First of all, I'm here for the long haul, 18-plus years. I don't feel pressured by you at all, okay? I've always wanted a baby, and sure, this is a little sooner and a little more kids than I had thought but everything happens for a reason right? I can't wait to be able to hold our babies, let them wrap their tiny little fingers around mine. It's going to be absolutely unreal and I can hardly wait if I'm being honest."
My eyes stung at Billie's words as they filled with tears. I had hardly thought about the babies actually being here yet. My fear and concern switched to excitement and longing. Damn, these mood swings are real!
"Okay," I nodded my head as the tears streamed.
"Hey, don't cry," Billie frowned, using her fingertips to wipe away the tears but that made me cry harder. She's so sweet, I don't deserve her.
"I'm sorry," I laughed through tears, "These mood swings just started and it's all just been a lot," I admitted.
Billie chuckled lightly with a sympathetic face before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me in for a hug. Her arms felt so warm and gentle yet secure and firm. To be completely honest, out of everyone I know, I'm glad she's my babies mama.
"Wren, if you ever need anything. Like if you're craving TacoBell at 3 am and don't want to get out of bed, please call me. I really want to be a part of every step of the way, okay?" She said before pulling away from the hug and looking at me. "And please, I'm begging you, don't do any baby shopping without me," she smiled.
"I won't, I promise," I chuckled, wiping away the last of my tears.
~~~
As I was scrolling through Pinterest on my Macbook, reading mommy blogs and making a list of everything I'd need to purchase before the babies came; my phone rang beside me. I picked up seeing it was my mom. My stomach dropped when I realized nobody except for Claudia and Billie even know that I'm pregnant and at some point, I'll have to tell everyone.
"Hey momma," I answered the phone.
"Hi, my beautiful daughter. How are you doing?" Her sweet voice filled the air around me, and once again I almost got emotional. I swear I'm not even an emotional person. People weren't lying when they said pregnancy messes with your hormones.
"I'm doing good but I'm really glad you called. I have something to tell you, is dad with you?"
"He's right next to me. What is it? Is everything okay?" I could tell she immediately got worried. I don't blame her. I'm my parent's only child and they still live in Chicago.
"I promise I'm okay. Can we switch to FaceTime?" I questioned, going to hit the FaceTime button. Mom switched the call so I could see her and my dad at the same time. "Hi Dad," I waved with a smile.
"Hi sweetie," he greeted me but as he was about to speak again my mom cut him off. "So, what is it you need to tell us?"
"Well, this is sudden and not exactly planned but I'm really excited and I hope I have both of your support with this," I bit the inside of my cheek to suppress both nerves and tears.
"You know we will support anything you do, now spit it out kid," my dad joked.
"Well, you two are going to be grandparents very soon!" I announced with tears welling up in my eyes.
They both looked at each other and then back at me with shocked looks on their face, "Is this a prank? I thought you were gay?"
I smacked my forehead before realizing I'd have to explain how the person I slept with is not only famous but she's also intersex and it just happened one night. But luckily after a long conversation, they understood.
"But that's not everything!"
"Well what else?" My dad questioned.
"I'm pregnant with not one but two babies." I held up two fingers.
The two of them blabbered on for a while and I just watched with a smile on my face. I was thankful that they supported my decision in keeping the baby. In fact, they were very excited to be grandparents and said they couldn't wait. They also planned on taking a trip out here before the babies come and one close to the due date so that they would be here for when the babies are born.
I'm so grateful to have such caring parents who support me through everything and anything. When I wanted to take up dancing as a full-time career, they were hesitant at first but in the end knew that it would make me happy and if it wasn't for their full support, I wouldn't be where I am today.
~~~