Tw talk of sh + smoking
It was the next morning and we had a dag off.
I continued packing in clothes and some other stuff.
I found some off Eva's clothes in the bodem of my closet.
I immediately felt down bc of it. I started to sort through them and felt weird about keeping them. I can't throw then away but isn't it weird taking Eva's clothes to Emily's apartment.
My head was rushing but then my eyes looked with my sh kit.
"Hey I'm moving some more boxes to my apartment. You done with that one?" Emily said in the doorway.
"I- yea" i responded. My eyes moved back to the kit.
She picked up the box.
"Are you okay"
"Ye I'm fine" I said while still look at the kit.
Emily walked away. I heard the front door close and run after her with tears in my eyes.
"Em wait!" I scream at her when she's putting the boxes in the car.
She turns around and looks at me.
"Waffle" I say our code word.
She immediately understood. She closed the car and rushed to me.
She held me in her arms as I sobbed over her shoulder.
"Let's move inside okay?"
We got inside and sat down on the couch.
She held me until me tears stopped.
"Tell me what's going on?"
I sigh and look at her while she held my hand.
"I saw Eva's clothes and idk it felt weird bringing her clothes to your apartment. I didnt want you to feel bad or like you will always be second to her or that I'm holding on to much....i-i"
Emily stopped me.
"Hey look at me for a second"
I do so.
"It's okay to hold on a little bit. Remember when I told you about Matthew. I still think about him aswell. I still have a necklace he gave me. Eventho I don't wear it, I just hold on to it. He helped me survive. And I'm sure eva helped in you aswell. So its okay to hold on a bit. But try to let go aswell"
I let my head fall on her.
"So I probably shouldn't keep all her clothes" I sigh.
"Let's figure that out some other time. Let's go go my apartment with the boxes. Unpack some clothes have lunch and then celebrate"
I smile at her.
I move to my closet again and put some shoes ans jackets in a box and hide my kit In-between it.
"Maybe we should go with 2 cars. You can leave already all be there in a second"
Emily nods and leaves with some boxes.
I pack up 2 more with some random stuff. Like pictures and bathroom products. Just some essentials.
I load my car up and drive to a tank station first. My pack of cigarettes was empty so I bought a new ones and immediately smoked 1 up.
It helped calm down my mind that was still thinking about those razors.
I put 2 packs in the car, but still making sure Emily won't accidentally find them.
I drive to her apartment and and take up 1 box in the elevator. Emily left the door open so i could immediately set them down.
"1 box and only 1 to go"
I say as I put it down.
"I never realised how much clothes and shoes I have" I say picking up Sergio and patting him.
"Maybe bc you have 5 different kinds of doc martines and converses"
Emily says teasing.
"Says the one with 20 pares of black boots" emily laughed at me remark and kissed me.
"Oo why do you smell like cigarettes?" Emily asked while backing up.
Shit I forgot to take a mint
"Ow there was a guy outside of the apartment smoking. I'll shower later. I'm getting the last box" I kiss em on her cheek and move back to my car. I take a mint so the smell will go away.
I got the last box and put it with the rest.
Emily was cleaning out her closet.
"I'm making some place for you" she says to me.
I started making lunch. Made a basic ceasar salad with chicken pieces in it.
And placed it on the kitchen counter.
Em didn't notice yet so I moved some more food from my plate to hers.
So it looked like I ate a bit already.
"Hey babe are you almost done? Lunch was made a few minutes ago"
Emily rushed up
"Ow sorry didn't notice"
She Sat down next to me.
"It's salad"
She remarked.
"Yea? Is it not good. I gave you extra chicken"
I got anxious that she didn't like it. I play with my hands.
She noticed and grabbed them.
"No its great babe I love it. Are you having a bad day? We can cancel the party?"
"Yes I'm having a bad day but everyday is hard and no don't cancel the party. Penelope already looked disappointed yesterday. Besides being with you guys makes me happy"
Emily smiles at me and we ate our lunch.
After the salad was finished I decided to take a shower and put my bathroom supplies in a Cubert.
The water was nice ans hot, I stood stil in it for awhile.
I kept looking down at my own body is disgust. All the scars... I could wrap my fingers around my wrist and still felt fat.
I sit down and hold my legs as I silently cry. Rubbing my fingers over my vertical scar. Laying ontop of my skin.
*knock knock*
"Y/n can I come in? I need a hair tie"
I got up and said in a clear voice.
"Yea come in"
Emily came in and I preceded to shave my legs.
"So there should be enough room for your clothes. But we still have to find a place for your shoes"
She said while putting up her hair.
"Damn you did that fast"
'Ouch'
Emily opend my curten.
"It's fine I just accidentally shaved into my leg"
Even the little cut gave me a second of relief.
I turned of the shower and emily wrapped a towel around me.
She kissed my cheeks.
"Is it okay?"
She asked me.
"It's just a small cut its fine"
But in reality it triggerd me. It made me wanne cut even more. I needed another smoke...
"Is it okay if I already move some of your clothes in the closet?" She asked. I just nodded.
I decide to just wear a brown sweatpants with a brown crop top to walk around the apartment. I was going to change in better clothes later.
I dry of my hair and walk to the bedroom.
"I think I left something in the car, I'll go and check" emily nodds and I walk out.
But really I was going to get another smoke.
I stand outside and take out a cigarette. I smoke it quickly and popped a mint before getting back in.
I helped emily and in an hour time all my clothes were in her closet nicely folded.