Chapter 20
Avian's Point of View
I don't like being looked at nor being in a spotlight. I don't want to be seen. Sa tuwing tinitingnan ako ay pakiramdam ko ay may nagawa akong mali sa tumitingin sa akin o kaya naman ay pasimple nila akong hinuhusgahan.
People's stares made me uncomfortable and hot under my skin. That's why if there's a movie production, I probably work behind the camera and not in front of the camera. But I'm not in a movie. I am inside the dormitory, lying on my bed. I am still determining what time it is or if I'm late for class.
At ngayong nakapikit ang mga mata ko, pakiramdam ko'y may tumititig sa akin nang matagal. Sobrang tagal na parang mabubutas na yata ang balat ko.
I've decided to open my eyes when I felt something cold touches the side of my left arms. Mula doon, nakita ko si Nadia na may nilalagay sa gilid ng aking braso. She looked worried while putting her hundred percent attention to my face. Parehas kaming dalawa nagulat nang magtama ang tingin namin dalawa.
"Avian!" She exclaimed. She put her hand on her chest, showing how shocked she was now that I was finally awake. She's wearing a pink pair of pajamas and a headband that someone would wear if they're going to have their skincare routine. Pink looks good on Nadia. Lalo kasing nakikita ang puti at kinis ng kanyang balat. How can someone be so beautiful early in the morning? Nadia is such a goddess. I saw her sleeping when I got here around four in the morning. She's really beautiful even while sleeping. I don't have to be smart to know what's happening. She's my new roommate.
"Anong ginagawa mo?" Tanong ko sa kanya at umalis sa pagkahiga. Sumandal ako sa headboard ng aking kama habang hindi makapaniwalang tumingin sa kanya. I flinched when Nadia suddenly sat down on the bed so I don't have any choice but to gave her enough space so she can sit.
"Wala talaga akong balak gisingin ka Avi. Kaso gusto ko sanang lagyan ng betadine ang gilid ng sugat mo. I think it's partly my fault why Dan do that." May halong lungkot at hiya ang boses ni Nadia. She's panicking right not, stumbling with words.
"Why would you blame yourself for something you didn't do? It was Dan's fault." Medyo umiinit pa rin ang ulo ko habang inaalala ang ginawa ni Dan. Dan and his nasty temper. I'm still thinking why a pure soul just like Nadia is still staying with Dan.
Nadia cleared her throat before continuing.
"When I told Dan I was with you, I'm expecting to see you here in the dormitory. Nang nagsimula na akong maglipat ng aking gamit ay hindi kita nakita dito sa loob. I didn't considered every possibilities. Hindi ko naman akalain na gagawin niya sa'yo ito." Tears started to swell in her eyes—still holding the cotton buds with betadine.
"It's not my intention to lie to Dan that I was with you yesterday."
"Dan seems like he doesn't want me to be out of his sight. Dapat palagi ko siyang kasama o palagi niya akong nakikita." She said frustratedly.
"As if I don't have freedom of my own!"
"Then why don't you leave him?" If she thinks Dan is manipulating her, then why doesn't she leave?
Bigla akong natigilan sa aking iniisip. It just show how I always leave if things get messy. Ako ang unang tumatakbo palayo sa tuwing nagiging mahirap ang sitwasyon. It's just the way I am. If I think I can't do it, I will leave and turn my back without batting an eye.
"It's not that easy." Kung kanina ay pinipigilan niyang umiyak, ngayon naman ay hinayaan na ni Nadia tumulo ang luha niya. Nadia and I are so different in many aspects. She chose to stay, I will always choose to leave. I won't hesitate to run if things become unbearable.
"I think I love Dan so much." Of course. She will think love conquers all.
"Nadia, you and Dan should talk about it. Him and his nasty temper." If they think this possessiveness is cute, they must rearrange their thoughts because I learned that it wasn't attractive in the hard way. Damn. I never thought that Dan would lose his temper on me.
"I know. I know. That's why I apologize on his behalf. He told me he just lost control, and it won't happen again." Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya.
"And you believe him?" I didn't plan to sound sarcastic, but the tone just slipped off me. After long contemplation, I turn to her.
"I do believe him, Avi."
"Dan never hurt me physically, Avian. Believe it or not, he's good to me." I scoffed. How about being emotionally abusive? Abuse doesn't only mean physical harm or pain. She must know that.
"Of course, you're his girlfriend. But he's not to the people around you." I muttered. Alam kong labas na ako sa relasyon nila. Not that I scrapped my left arm because of him. I cringe when I say his name. God! I don't even want to put Dan's name on my lips. If Kalix didn't show up, I probably retaliated. I won't let Dan hurt me whenever he wants. I could break his fingers and kick his groin.
"And please don't tell Klaude about this." I stared at Nadia.
I don't usually get involved with other people's issues. Lalo na at ayaw kong mapalapit sa iba. Kaya wala siyang dapat ipagalala dahil wala naman akong balak sabihin ito kay Klaude.
"You don't have to worry, Nadia. Hindi mo na rin kailangan lagyan ng gamot ang sugat ko. I'll now prepare for my class." Sabi ko dito at umalis sa aking kama. Ramdam ko na sinusundan ni Nadia ang bawat galaw ko.
"Avi," she called out my name when I was about to go to the bathroom. She suddenly smiled at me, showing her perfectly aligned white teeth.
"Thank you. You're such a good friend."
I stopped. Friend, huh? When did we ever establish that we're friends? Good, she says. A good friend shouldn't tolerate her decision being with her emotionally abusive boyfriend. If I'm being a good friend to her, I should tell her that she shouldn't let Dan take her freedom. That she should fight for what she think is right for her. Pero ang totoo ay hinahayaan ko lang ito. If she wants to stay with Dan, then so be it. It's her decision. I don't care.
She just happened to be my roommate. Nothing else.
"Avian!" Klaude waves his hands when I entered the room. Kumaway ako pabalik sa kanya at naupo sa kanyang tabi.
"Natutulog ka pa ba, Avi? Your eyes looked like you lack of sleep." Bati nito sa akin.
"Ugh, kung wala lang klase ay malamang natutulog pa rin ako nyayon." I probably slept for five hours only. My body actually felt heavy but I have to attend my class. Later this afternoon, I have to go to Kagan's studio. Bigla ko na lang naisip kung mayroon na rin sapat na tulog si Kagan? He have a big day coming so he needs energy. I stopped when it finally occurred to me that I'm thinking about him.
Klaude's presence isn't helping either. Besides, Klaude and Kagan share the same features, so it's hard for me not to think about Kagan. I've decided. The reason why I'm thinking about Kagan is that I'm with his twin brother Klaude.
"Sa studio ka ni Kagan nakahanap ng internship, diba?" Nasabi ko na ang lahat kay Klaude. He knows how I ended up knowing the two Kagan. I nodded my head in response.
"See you later at his art studio." Of course, they are family. They will be there for Kagan's accomplishments.
"But I'll be working there, Klaude."
"It doesn't matter." There was a long pause. The room is starting to fill with students, yet we are the only ones sitting on the third row. While waiting for the professor to come, I decided to tell Klaude about Nadia.
"I have a new roommate." Pagsimula ko.
"Then that's good. At least you won't be alone in the room."
"It's Nadia." Klaude stopped hearing about Nadia's name. He's still whipped for her. He started fidgeting in his seat.
"God! Klaude, you're so transparent. Do Nadia still have this effect on you? Pangalan pa lang binabanggit ko ay parang hindi ka na mapakali dyan." Napapailing na sabi ko at tumawa ng mahina.
"I'm trying to forget anything about her, Avi. I didn't expect it would be this hard. She was my first love, after all." Klaude looked thorned. If he only knew that his first love is being owned by Dan, I wonder what expressions he would make.
"Isn't love supposed to be a cure? But why is love like a disease to me?" There's frustration in his voice, and I apologize for bringing up Nadia.
"Do you have first love, Avi?" I was taken aback when he asked me that question.
"I don't." I lied. Again. I don't mind lying because I don't want to talk about it. Magsasalita pa sana si Klaude ngunit pumasok na sa loob ang professor. Klaude gave me a final look before diverting his attention to the whiteboard in front.
First love is the worse, and I don't like my story to be told. I had already buried my past. Digging it up wasn't part of may plan.
When the class ended, I excused myself to Klaude. Sinabi kong kailangan ko nang umalis dahil pupunta na ako sa studio ni Kagan. Ngumiti naman sa akin si Klaude at humawak sa taas ng aking ulo at ginulo iyon ng kaunti.
"See you later, Burn." He mumbled before I turned my heels away from him. I hurriedly went to the dorm to change my clothes. Going to Kagan's studio made me excited all of a sudden. Siguro ngayon ko naramdaman na gusto ko ang ginagawa ko. Whenever I'm inside his studio, time travels so quickly. I enjoyed staring at his painting. And that's at first.
I'm on my way to the studio when I saw a red convertible car parked in front of the building. Napataas naman ang kilay ko lalo na nang makilala ko kung sino ang nakasandal sa hood ng pulang kotse.
Dan takes a final inhale of the cigarette and exhales the smoke in the air. When he saw me approaching the building, he put the cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it.
I glared at him. Hard. Just letting him know that I don't like him. Lalagpasan ko na sana ito nang mapansin ko ang pasa sa kanyang mukha. There's also a bandage placed at the side of his forehead.
"Don't pretend that I don't exist." He said when I was about to enter the building. Tumingin naman ako sa kanya.
"Anong ginagawa mo dito? Wala dito si Nadia." I saw his eyes darken when I mentioned the name Nadia. Nadia must really be that pretty to the point that two guys are crazy about her.
"Where's that bastard?" His voice sounded thick.
"What are you talking about?" Itinuro niya ang mukha niya kung saan nakalagay ang bondage. Napatingin naman ako doon.
"Klaude Grimaldi's twin brother. That fucking brute just caught me off guard and punched me in the face." Kagan did what? No, it's not Kagan. It must be his other self Kalix.
"Go away Dan. Wala kang mapapala dito." Mahinang sabi ko habang pumapasok na naman sa isip ko si Kagan. Kahit humarap si Kagan kay Dan ay hindi niya ito maalala. Dan going here will be put in vain. That also explains why Kagan have bruised on his knuckles. I didn't expect Kalix will look for Dan when Klaude and I left him yesterday.
"I'll fucking kill that dumb-face Grimaldi." Today is an important event for Kagan. If Dan plans to ruin it, I won't allow it. Besides, I already promised Kagan that this event would go smoothly according to plan.
"You hurt me first!" Hindi ko maiwasan na tumaas ang boses ko. I never really raise my voice but Dan is just such a pain in the neck.
"I think you deserve that. You grab me on my shirt's collar, and when you are the one being punched you'll come here to make things even? What a big hypocrite you are." Lakas na loob na sabi ko at tumingin sa kanya ng diretso. My hands started to tremble from fear. Dan is a big guy. He can tower me with his height.
Then, I thought Dan will going to hurt me again. That's why I positioned my body in a defense stance. Pero ang hindi ko inaasahan ay bigla na lang itong tumawa nang malakas.
"So you know how to shout? I thought you only had a neutral expression on your face." Dan beamed at me. He was amused by what he was seeing. Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na buntong hininga.
"Ano ba talaga ang ginagawa mo dito, Dan?" I watched him get another stick of cigarette from his pocket and lit it with a square lighter.
He puffed some air before giving me a glance.
"Chill out, princess. I'm actually here to buy a fucking painting. Kanina ko lang nalaman na ang mayari pala nito ay ang kambal ni Klaude Grimaldi. Kung alam ko lang ay sana hindi na ako pumunta dito." I groaned. I didn't thought of every possible reason why Dan is here.
"Stop calling me princess." Tinaasan naman niya ako ng kanyang kilay.
"Then what I'm going to call you? Bitch?" I can feel my face reddened. Why is he acting so indifferent? Parang kahapon lang ay parang sasabog na siya ng bulkan at ngayon naman ay prente niyang inuubos ang hawak niyang sigarilyo. I hate men who smokes.
"It's better if you don't call me at all." I stepped backward so I wouldn't smell the smoke coming from his cigarette.
"Hey," Ibabaling ko na sana ang paa ko para makapasok sa loob ng building. The opening will start at six so Dan will waited for two more hours before he can buy a painting.
"Ano na naman ba?"
"Why are you so irritable?"
"Because I don't want to talk to you." He takes a long drag of his cigarette and removes the ashes.
"I'm sorry for grabbing your collar and for pushing you in the wall. Nasugatan ka tuloy dahil sa pako." Turo niya ang gasa na nakalagay sa gilid ng aking braso.
"I don't forgive you." I said and turn my heels away from him. Iniwan ko siya sa labas at tuluyan na akong pumasok sa studio ni Kagan.
I'm not usually the forgiving type. That's why Dan is now on my black list. I noticed that I don't easily forgive people who do me wrong. Kaya naman hanggang ngayon hindi ako humihingi ng tawad sa ginawa ko kay Emma.
Because I can't even forgive myself, why should I ask for forgiveness? It's not right.
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