___________
dear Rick,
I can't stop thinking about the night at the prison, when we first found it. We thought it was our future, that we were saved, yet when we gathered round the fire you trailed the fence three times in the darkness, alone. Nothing called you back to us, but when Beth started to sing, you slowly crept over. I remember wanting to be that. The innocence that people cling to amongst everything, the smile that brightens.
I think we both know how that turned out.
Well, what I really wanted to say was.....I don't think I knew what love really was until I met your family. You, Carl, Lori. You showed me what life could be, and for that I can't ever repay you. You deserved to have the family you fought so hard for.
But there is one promise I will keep: I will always protect your son. I'll keep him safe no matter what I do, no matter what he does. I'd like to think it was just to repay you, but you know how far I've gone in the past, to keep people away. To keep him alive. And so I won't break that.
I'll see you again, Grimes. I will.
_________________
TIME IS A FUNNY thing, isn't it?
That was the thought that ran through Carol Peletier's head in the moment. It is in our nature to prolong, but think so far ahead. Last year, she had thought this time around was miles away. Yet, it was here, and it was now, already.
The girls's matching pink backpacks shone in the sunlight, the different shades of glittery plastic reflecting off of every surface possible. Really, it mirrored the two little ones, as they cast back their light onto anyone and anything - like string lights on a Christmas tree. Carol reached her hands up toward her face, feeling for the tears that never came anymore.
They were there, though, just faint enough to be mistaken as a small sweat on a blistering day. The two kids linked hands as they entered the building, turning to give only one last wave to their mother. She smiled back, and felt a pang of warm pain in her chest as they let go of her sight.
Sophia's first day of school. That had been about five years ago, by now. No one was exactly sure.
Nothing was really good, but then again, it never had been. Carol's childhood had once been cut short, and yet, Jane and Sophia's would be too. They were smart kids - observant, but quiet. Their mother would do anything to unlay the hands that had been placed upon them, but she couldn't even do so for herself.
It was the worst sound in the world, when the belt, or the hand, or even the leg would come down on one of them. The slap of skin against leather would live on forever in her longest of nightmares, and yet, even when she woke she would never be protected from it. She liked the dreams, because they weren't real. But this, everything in-front of her, dreadfully was.
It seemed horribly true that no one had ever not hurt Carol Peletier.
The day everything happened, was when she hoped for a new beginning. Fear didn't take over her body like it had everyone else - instead, she was hopeful. Maybe it would give her a chance to hurt someone else for a change.
The girls were almost oblivious to the dangers outside the walls, and when she finally had to tell them what had happened, her husband Ed just snorted. At even this small act of pettiness, the girls still cowered before him - the power of his hand alone was the scariest thought in the world, never mind the flesh eating creatures that roamed the streets.
The family stayed at home for exactly three nights, until the house felt cold and almost stale. Each countertop gathered a unique layer of dust and grime, as did the three girls themselves. There was something about these three days that flipped a switch, creating a verbatim inside their heads and their very souls. They sat waiting, but for what? For their deaths? For a miracle?
but there was one thing they knew now.
This pain was forever.
The hurt. The fear. The weakness. It would never stop. Not even now. Especially not now.
Scarcely, they managed to leave the city, finding some unfortunate others along the way. Jane didn't think much of anything now, because truthfully, she'd believed all this would be over in a week. When her mother, sister and father got out of the car to greet the unfamiliars, she wasn't quick to follow. She eventually did, finding her footing on the gravel path and making her way over to them. She cowered behind her mother, fitting nicely between the front of the car and the splint of Carol's back.
A comforting hand, placed on her own, was all she got then. But oh, did she need so much more than that. Standing stiff, she scanned the group of fiends and friends. Misfits and elders and whoever else filled the plate all lined up in-front of the four of them, almost showcasing themselves for inspection. That was when she saw the boy. The boy with dark hair and striking eyes. Though, she didn't notice them yet because he too was trembling behind his mother. That was Jane's first sign that her and this mysterious twelve year old had at-least something in common.
She started to ease up a little, as he did too.
Over the next few months, the boy and the girls became friends, after spending the first few weeks almost despising each other for unexplainable reasons. The boy's name was Carl Grimes.
Jane liked to look back on those days fondly, yet, she wouldn't go back to them. Because from here, there's still so much pain to come.
The boy was funny, and it wasn't like there were any other ones around. He was strangely unafraid - running off Into danger's arms at every chance he got. There were a few others she took a liking to: Glenn, who was a lot younger than all the other adults, Daryl, who had been weirdly kind to no one else but her, and Lori.
Then, it happened. The ripping. The biting. The tearing. Blood ran from the top of the cliff to the bottom, creating an endless stream of death and affliction. It seemed like all the world wanted to do was hurt. The world was trying to die, so why couldn't we just let it?
Let it suffer, and crumble to straight ash as it took us with it. That would've been kinder than the sharp teeth it really bared.
The next morning, everyone was up in their cars and away. That was, until, there was stirring from Ed's tent.
As his hand reached out for Jane, he swept her hair into his grasp, pulling her down to the floor. Really, she was used to this action - but it hurt just the same. She hit the ground with a crack, as the sharp gravel grazed against her soft, innocent skin.
He almost had her, right then and there. He almost tore into her jugular to enjoy the taste of his eldest daughter. Sometimes, in her darkest moments, Jane wishes it had ended there. But that would've been too easy.
He was dead in a second, and then came the first of many times Jane would be covered head to toe in blood. The stuff clung to her skin, clothes and hair like syrup - dewey and warm. Though she could wash it all off, it felt as if it was still there, through everything - like blood would coat her eternally.
They left, encountering every problem possible on the road. When they finally found a safe place, it would be stripped away leaving them bare once again.
"Mom?" Jane asked, narrowing her eyes in confusion as her mother sat at an extremely pristine vanity desk. It might have been the kind Jane would've had when she was older - to do her makeup before school or to sit and do her homework at.
"Mhm?" Carol hummed, examining the drawers underneath her careful, fragile fingers.
"Do you think you can shave my head? Like yours?"
The thought had come from the last time Ed had pulled her hair, and how it felt knowing it was something regular. She wished she could say it hurt her, to banish her long, brown locks. But how could it? The strands of coloured sepia had only brought her torment. Over and over.
Carol agreed without a word, gesturing for the girl to sit up on the stool she was previously perched at.
When the CDC was gone, it was only a matter of time before something happened again. And when it did, it only hurt more.
"There's a hoard!" Rick yelled, his words echoing over the highway.
Lori was quick to grab the kids, telling them to get down under the cars as she and Carol did the same.
Jane wiggled her body between Carl and another car, forcing Sophia to go under another alone.
She'd never quite felt as much pain before as she had then, and with everything the girl had already lost, that was making a statement. Maybe, if she went after her, she would've been okay. Or maybe, if she'd gone with Sophia instead of Carl under the goddamn car, all of them would've been fine. Best case scenario would be that she was in Sophia's situation. She would be dead and gone, whilst Sophia got to live a nice life with Carl and mom and everyone else.
But she was too scared.
They looked for weeks. About three. Finding a farm with other survivors instead, they took refuge. Still searching.
She began to lose track of the days, as they dwindled past her like the leaves of autumn blew in the wind. The air began to adapt to a slight chill, and so did Jane in the process. Carl was the only thing that brought her back into it - the hope. He remained almost unchanged, still a beacon of light for her to cling onto when her wick had burned down to nothing.
When she saw Sophia's face again, it wasn't exactly how she'd imagined it. She didn't sprint into the girls arms and propose that she would never lose her again. No, instead, she stepped as far back as she could muster - trying not to trip over anything small. Surely, if she did, she wouldn't be able to get back up again. The pain was too much, and it spread all over. She could feel the ache in the tips of her fingers, and it tingled on the tip of her tongue. The only thing she could think was: it's not fair.
Carl grimes comforted her that day, late in the night when she couldn't sleep. After that, they were inseparable. 'Attached at the hip', was what Dale called it.
When the farm fell, all anyone could do was run. Carl and Jane concluded then that they would be stuck running for the rest of their lives. They'd never have a true home, or a single solid consistency in their lives. Carl mentioned once that his first steps had been more of a run than a walk, and maybe Jane's would've been the same. She was never very fast, though Sophia was. She had won first place in their school's 400 metre race, whilst Jane cheered on from the bleachers. Another soul crushing reason why she should've been here, not Jane.
Soon they were out on the road again, for longer this time. Lori was almost 8 months pregnant, and things were going to go south if they didn't find a place to fortify. Carl expressed his worries to Jane freely, but kept quiet around the others. He had been a little different, ever since that night pierced with flame and darkness - though he wouldn't say why, or what happened.
When they finally found somewhere, it felt as if Jane could take a clear breath for the first time again. Walls, fences, concrete walls. But soon enough, alarms were blaring again as rough growls and groans emerged from the murky shadows.
Stuck, and writhing in pain, lori grimes was dying. Unfortune, was what had landed them in this situation. Again, Jane was plagued with pondering that if she'd done something different, maybe Lori would've been alright.
Carl was never the same afterwards. He was just a boy, living in a world that had failed him one too many times. Though Jane just grew more and more scared of the outside world, Carl learned to conquer it. He got stronger, and louder - earning only sorrow and pity from those around him. The young girl understood, though. She was there when it happened, and sometimes, lori's words still ricocheted around her head like open fire.
"You will beat this world."
He was trying to live up to her, or atleast, honour her words as best as he could. For some strange reason, Jane wished she had something like that to hold on to. Her father had died with no words left in his mouth, and surely if he had any - they wouldn't praise her worth or even her survival rate. Sophia had died alone, running, and scared.
Scared was all she would ever, and could ever feel now. She saw it, lurking behind her mother's eyes, and she sensed it waiting in the palms of her hands.
She didn't want to look up to her mother anymore - because she knew then, that whatever happens, she couldn't protect her. Infact, she never could.
She wished desperately that she was like Carl. That she was a strong, brave girl who didn't let anyone stop her. Someone who could help others with no hesitation, and be thanked for saving lives. She also wished that she could kill like he could. With no pain, or equivocation in his face.
Though she deemed she was incapable, Carl could see it. An anger, a spark. Truthfully, he believed she was strong like him, as he had witnessed her go through countless traumas and abuse - and yet here she was, smiling back at him.
He could see it, through her short brown hair that had grown in tight curls since it had been chopped off mercilessly. Through her button nose and perfect lips. A survivor hid there. A survivor that would do anything for her family. For him.
as traumatised as they were, the prison was good for them. They bonded, from killing walkers to looking after pigs. The kids stayed out of all the wars and fights and missions that ensued, therefore, living a nicer life at the place than many others. Jane had grown fond of Judith Grimes - Carl's little sister. It happened when judith's finger curled right around Jane's for the first time, as her pink cheeks lit up with adoration.
How could something so innocent and pure still thrive here?
She spent most of her time with Carl, though Maggie, Glenn and Daryl liked to engage her in their day to day activities too. Carol was conflicted, dealing with her own troubles most of the time whilst her daughter wondered mindlessly around the prison. Over time, she became almost clumsy.
When war was declared over, new life was sought to their haven. The walls provided security for everyone and anyone, filling up within two days. Men, women and children all came together to live in as much peace as they could. Carl didn't warm up to the new recruits very easily, staying quiet and reserved around them. Jane made friends effortlessly, especially with a certain samurai.
2 years into the worlds end, and it was starting to begin again. She liked the long, hot days, that she'd hated a year ago as the angry sun beat into her back. She loved the community, and the people, though months ago she would've kept to herself.
This was something good, and pure. And just like that, it would be plucked away from her soft, tender hands like taking a toy from a small child.
★
"They had names then, they don't have names now. They're dead." Carl said, emphasising his words as if Lizzie wouldn't understand them. The kids of the prison gathered around the fence, their boots kicking around in the dusted path below. The sky was almost unbearably hot, and the air was scented of fresh decay.
"Doesn't mean we can't name them," she said, smiling like a psychopath, "they're people too."
The other kids nodded at her like she was right, and Jane could see the anger prickling onto Carl's pale freckled face. Lizzie remained chirpy, as her face curved up into a smile and her forehead creased slightly. She had beautiful, tan skin, and a nice smile.
It was a shame she was such a-
"You're going to get yourself and everyone around you killed thinking like that." Jane added. Carl didn't disagree, instead, he nodded.
"But you'd just come back, if you died." She pried, batting her eyelashes before raising her hand to create a makeshift shield from the blistering sun. Before he could even begin to roll his eyes, he was interrupted.
"Carl!" A voice anchored through the fields behind them, hitting their ears with a loud shout. It was Rick Grimes, Carl's dad. He stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at the kids who to him could do nothing but play and laugh.
Only then does Carl look at her, and it's quick, but haunting. His eyes are screaming and his lips would be bleeding if they weren't perfectly fine. He tilted his head at her, silently asking her to follow on. She did, listening to the noise that crackled underneath her feet as she slid her boots along the stones. It would've been a nice, satisfying sound - if you couldn't decipher the mounds of dead groaning and growling over the top of it. They reached Rick, and she smiled wide at the man, welcoming one back from him.
"Time to check up on the pigs. Jane, Maggie was looking for you, she's in cell block three."
"Thanks, I'll find her." Jane said, wandering off into the prison. People liked to say she was lost in her own world: in some magic place she'd made up in her head. She liked to think it was true, and that the bad thoughts never came - because she'd rather be in her 'own world' than right here.
"The pigs aren't eating today. I've tried to force something down their throats, but I think they've caught something. Can you-"
Rick stopped talking when he had noticed his son wasn't listening. Instead, he was looking back at the girl with short hair. Only when she had left his sight, did he place his eyes on Rick. The older man just sighed, as he started to make his way to their makeshift pig sty.
"What?" His son asked inattentively.
Rick just shook his head, causing a little sweat to spray on the plants and greens below. A smile crept its way up onto his calloused face, disappearing just as quick as it came.
★
hey guys!!!! So yea, sorry not sorry....but I've just rewritten the first few chapters. Honestly I like them so much better now lmao, and it's only been like three months since I actually started this story and oml my writing has improved so much. Anyways, love ya 🫶
And to those of u who are new to the story, hi!! Welcome!!!