Chapter 10
Avian Burn's Point of View
This freaking attraction is out of control. True to his words, I saw Kagan waiting at the gate of the university. Nang nakita niya akong pababa ng taxi mula sa hospital ay tumayo ito mula sa pagkaupo at kumaway sa akin. He showed his sweet smile, still raising his hands. When did I transition from hanging out with Klaude to his twin brother Kagan?
"Kanina ka pa ba naghihintay?" ito ang naging bungad ko sa kanya nang makalapit ako sa pwesto ni Kagan.
"If two hours is considered too long, then yes." He said while grinning. If he waited for me for two hours, he must start waiting at precisely six in the evening.
"Hindi ko naman alam na seryoso ka pala sa sinabi mo kagabi. The word see you was a little vague." I thought he was just kidding when he told me that last night. Pero tinotoo ito ni Kagan kaya naman ay nasa harapan ko na ang binata.
"Oo nga pala Kagan, hindi ko dala ang jacket na pinahiram mo sa akin kagabi. I didn't wash it yet. I'll give it back to you once I'm done washing your jacket."
"It's okay. You can give it to me next time." Kagan looked like he didn't care whether I gave him his jacket or not.
"Come on." He raises his arms as if saying I should follow him. My plan was to change my shirt first in the dormitory but Kagan seemed to be in a hurry. Kaya wala na akong nagawa at sinundan siya papunta kung saan niya pinark ang kanyang kotse. The Grimaldi must be filthy rich. Kagan has his own car at his age.
"Do you like burgers?" He asked me when he positioned himself in the driver's seat.
"Not my favorite, but I eat burgers occasionally," I answered. I watched Kagan start the ignition and start the car.
"Make a fist," he said. And I did.
"The burger size is bigger than your fist."
"So you waited for me for two hours so you could eat a burger?"
"Don't ruin this for me, Avian. I wanted to eat their burger couple meal, that's why I need you. Plus, this is my way to know more about you." I don't know if I will laugh or be serious about what he said. But he sounded so excited that I shut my mouth. He's really serious about us getting to know each other, huh?
"How good is their burger that you must bring a plus one?"
"Too good to the point you will forget your name."
The car ride lasted for one hour, not until he slowed down and parked the car near the place he was talking about. I wasn't expecting anything, but when Kagan and I entered the place, I was shocked at how cozy the site was. I thought it would be packed with people but thank goodness it wasn't. Bilang lang sa kamay ang nasa loob. There's trance-like music playing in the background. Iginiya niya ako papasok sa loob at naupo kaming dalawa sa high stool. Kagan sat beside me, and since the space was crowded, our legs touched each other.
The place is like a bar where you can see them cooking your food. I can feel my stomach grumbling from the thought of food. Even the place smelled buttery and meaty. I couldn't wait to taste the burger that Kagan wanted me to try. Kagan asked me what I wanted to eat, yet I only told him I wanted to try that couple meal he's been talking about. Nakita ko ang paglaki ng ngiti niya nang sinabi ko iyon. When he started ordering, I noticed how lively Kagan was.
"I'm sorry that I just dragged you here, Avian." Baling niya sa akin nang matapos na niyang sabihin ang order namin dalawa. Pero wala sa pagkain ang atensiyon ko kundi sa magkadikit naming hita.
"It's okay. Besides, I have nothing else to do." Kung hindi ko kasama si Kagan ngayon ay malamang magisa lang ako sa dormitory at naghahanda na para matulog. It's not like I want to stay all night and think about Emma. But there are days that I am sleepless. Guess coming here with Kagan isn't bad at all.
"You said burgers aren't your favorite. Then what's your favorite?" Tumingin naman sa akin si Kagan kaya kitang kita ko ang mga mata niya. Even the mole near his eyes is visible that emphasize how pretty his eyes are. Umiwas ako agad nang tingin at pinagisipan kung anong gusto ko.
"Pasta. But don't get me wrong, Kagan. This place is actually nice." I don't want him to think that I am being picky.
"I told you. You will enjoy this place." When Kagan said that, the chef started putting our orders before us. The couple set includes two big burgers, a lot of waffle fries, and two frappes. One bite from the waffle fries made me realize how hungry I was.
"Take a bite, Avian. Le's see how you react." Getting the burger on the plate, I take a big bite on the burger. And when I started to chew, Kagan was looking at me as if he was waiting for my answer. The burger patty melted in my mouth.
"It's tasty. This is actually good!" I wasn't even kidding when I said that. The meat is juicy, and I crave more from the first bite.
"I'm glad that you like it." Parang nabunutan nang tinik ang kanyang dibdib nang malaman niyang nagustuhan ko ang inorder niya para sa aming dalawa. Ngayon naman ay sinimulan na rin niyang kainin ang burger na nasa harapan niya. I took a sip on the frappe and it taste just perfect for my liking. Not too sweet and not to bland either. I'll probably come back in this place if I have time. I glanced at Kagan who's now eating heartily. Why is he so different from what Klaude described him? Hindi ko namalayan na nakatingin na pala ako sa kanya. Maya't maya pa ay nagtama ang tingin namin dalawa. His lips parted when our eyes met.
"Do I have ketchup on my lips?" I shook my head in response.
"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Nakaramdam ako ng pagkapula ng aking pisnge. Shit! He just caught me looking at him! I have no excuse.
"Your eyes, they're pretty," I said and looked away, immediately embarrassed. Since Kagan's eyes have a shade of gray, it really stands out. There was an awkward silence between us. I probably caught him off guard. A little honesty wouldn't hurt me, right?
"Thank you but your eyes are the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. Kahit ilang beses mong itanggi o kahit hindi ka maniwala sa akin." A big long pause coming from Kagan. Kahit ako ay natigilan sa sinabi niya.
"When I look into your eyes, there's always calmness that takes over me. You got that ability to people, Avian. I will never get tired of telling it to you." I never knew I'd been holding my breath since then. Hinihintay ko ang bawat sasabihin ni Kagan.
"It's deep and beautiful that I could see my reflection in them." He said with a hint of seriousness in his voice. I started to get nervous at his words. It only means that Kagan, I may not notice it, but he's looking at my eyes without me knowing. What if he can read what my eyes are really saying? Lalo na sa tuwing tumitingin ito sa akin ay parang may sekreto itong binabasa sa aking mukha. Leaving here is the smart thing to do, but I just saw myself staying.
"Do you like me?" I heard Kagan's throaty chuckle as if he didn't expect me to say that. I didn't remember the last time I talked firmly with opposite sex. Agad kong tinaas ang kaliwang kamay ko na parang sinasabi na patapusin niya muna ako magsalita.
"But before you utter a word, let me tell you that you can't get or expect anything from me." And that is the least that I want to do. Dating.
Ano kaya ang magiging reaksiyon ni Klaude kapag nalaman niyang kasama ko ang kapatid niya ngayon. Though, they are twins and they looked exactly alike, I never felt like I am with the same person. They are so different in every level.
"What if I say I like you?" He said. Bigla akong napatigil.
"But don't worry, I won't pressure you or anything." Another throaty laugh comes from Kagan as he finishes off his burger. I excused myself from Kagan, telling him I had to go to the bathroom. He nodded and gave me the direction to where I could find it. Nang makita ko ang repleksiyon ko sa salamin ay doon ko lang nakita kung gaano kapula ang aking pisngi. Talking to Kagan made my cheeks burn from embarrassment. I shouldn't be here, but here I am, hanging out with Kagan in a burger place. I opened the faucet and started washing my face with the running water. This water could help my face remove the redness. When a good amount of hours passed, I decided to return to our place to see Kagan patiently waiting for me. Nang nakita niya akong naglalakad palapit sa kanya ay tumayo ito mula sa pagkaupo sa high stool. I put my left hand on my eyes and started scratching it when I felt something entered inside. At dahil busy ako sa pagkamot sa kabilang mata ko ay hindi ko napansin ang basa ng tubig sa tiles. My right foot slipped from it and I'm just waiting to fall in the hard bottom surface of the room.
But instead kissing the floor, I collided at Kagan's body. His chest is firm and solid warm. Sobrang magkadikit ang aming katawan na ramdam ko ang paghinga niya. He was holding my waistline and his other hand is placed on my shoulders. Kagan is taller than me so I have to look up to see his face. And he does the same. He looks down on me to check if I am okay. At sa ginawa niya ay parang lalong lumapit ang mukha niya sa akin. Nakapwesto ang aking ulo sa may dibdib niya kaya ramdam ko ang bawat paggalaw nito. His hand on my waistline is ticklish. No one ever touch me like Kagan did. I can feel my chest pulsating because of our proximity.
"Are you okay?" His expression is blank with surprise. I was surprised too.
"I'm fine, thank you." Kagan releases me from his touch. I gasped for air when I distanced myself from Kagan. That was horrifying.
After finishing our food, I thought Kagan would bring me back to the school dormitory when I noticed him parking elsewhere. I just saw him unbuckling his seat belt, and I did the same. It's quarter to eleven already when I check my wristwatch.
Nang lumabas ako sa kotse ay halos mamangha ako sa aking nakita sa labas. There are a lot of benches placed on the side. Kapag tumingin ka sa paligid ay kitang-kita mo ang buong lugar na ngayon ay may iba't ibang kulay. Kagan and I are in a high place, looking at the whole city in our eyes. Naglakad ako papalapit sa railings at humawak doon.
"Amazing, isn't it?" I can sense him walking to where I am standing.
"How did you find this place?" Hindi ko alam na mayroon palang ganitong lugar malapit sa university. Sabagay, kahit ilang taon na ako dito ay hospital at university lang naman ang pinupuntahan ko. I didn't bother looking for a new place to go.
"By accident." He answered. He leans back to the railings, so he's looking at the opposite of what I am looking at. Silence overpowers the two of us. All I did was stare at the city lights from my place and let my mind wander.
"Tell me what's inside your head?" Kagan got the courage to break the silence. Tumingin ako sa kanya na ngayon ay nakatalikod sa kumikinang na siyudad.
"I wonder why you brought me here? We just met Kagan." Lakas loob kong tanong sa kanya. Kahit anong gawin kong pagiisip ay hindi ko masagot-sagot ang tanong sa aking isipan. I will never know unless I ask. So, I did.
"As I said, you make me calm, Avian. I know it sounds ridiculous, but when I met you at the party, you drew me in." Until now, I didn't understand why Kagan insisted on being with me. I stared at him hard.
"That sounds really ridiculous. At least you know." I never really consider myself a calm individual. If he only knew how my mind is in turmoil, he would never associate the word calm with me.
"Are you usually this honest?" He nods. It seems like he wasn't planning to filter what he's saying to me. I must be lying if his words don't catch me off guard, but I stand firmer on the ground, trying not to be swayed by his sweet words—especially that boyish smile he's giving me.
"Only to you." He whispered his answers, but since I was near him, I could hear what he said. What I noticed was he's a little flirty.
"I'm not buying it." Now, I no longer wonder why girls are attracted to Kagan. He has his way with his words.
"It doesn't matter if you believe me or not..." he trailed off.
"But I am curious about your story, Avian Burn." I stiffened to my place when Kagan said. This is why I don't want to be with people.
"Just like I said last night, Kagan, there's nothing to know about me," I kept my cool, still looking at the city lights.
"I doubt it. People's lives are made up of stories."
"You're not getting anything from me, Kagan. Because there's nothing much to say."
"If you say so," my stomach clenched when I heard the disappointment in his voice. I close my eyes for a moment and lean toward the railing. I only told him my story about not having experience dancing with a boy last night. I am still contemplating if I'm going to tell him about my life or not.
"People are miserable creatures, Avian. Your eyes," he trailed off and put his hands on the side of his eyes.
"... are attractive. But there's a shitstorm dancing in your iris." Paninimula niya nang mapansin niya ang pagtahimik ko. Bigla naman akong nagulat.
"So tell me things that will make you less miserable on the inside." Goodness gracious, he will not let this go, isn't he?
"Anything?" Pinikit ko ang mata ko nang madiin bago ito binuksan.
"Anything."
"Huwag kang tatawa sa sasabihin ko." Panimula ko. I wasn't really comfortable talking about this to anyone but I just saw myself sharing it with Kagan.
"My father left when I was eleven. My parents would always fight mostly every day. I don't understand why adults fight. Aren't they the ones who supposedly know a lot of things since they are adults? Growing up, I realized that they were just miserable in their chosen life. And when my father caught my mother having an affair, that was when he decided to leave." I said. Words started to roll in my mouth.
"I practically grew up without a father, and I hate him for leaving me with Mom." My mother would always beat me up whenever I made mistakes. I remember her saying that beating was part of how a mother disciplines her child. I don't believe her. I know it's just her way of taking out her frustration in her life.
"Do you hate your mother?" I shook my head.
"Not that I hate her, but I don't like her either." After all, my mother is the only one I have.
"And so I left, and here I am." I lied. My mother wasn't the reason why I was here. It was much deeper than that.
Kung kanina ay nakatalikod siya sa railings, ngayon naman ay humarap ito at tumingin sa mga ilaw na nagmumula sa mga industrial buildings.
"Some people are really terrifying, don't you think?" The side of his lips curled up as if he knew what I'd been through. Bumaling ang tingin sa akin ni Kagan.
"People are really scary. Their unpredictableness made them appalling." I commented. Because looking back, I am scared of myself as to what I am capable of. When the clock reached twelve in the morning, that's when we decided to leave that place. Nang makapasok ako sa loob ng kotse ni Kagan ay tinanong niya ako ulit kung may gagawin ako bukas.
"Why do you ask, Kagan?" I looked at him after I finished putting the seat belt on.
"Let's meet again, Avian. In this place. Tomorrow evening at eight." I was tempted to ask what for.
"I want to spend time with you again." He added quickly. I don't know what got into me and why I agreed. And I just saw myself waiting for Kagan in the same spot the following day. I waited and waited, but he didn't show up.
***