a/n - welcome to the final part of invisible string! i'm so sad to be ending this short series but super excited to see what you all think (: thank you for being patient while waiting for an update! thank you to my readers <3 your reactions have been everything. happy reading, and i hope you enjoy!!! <3 i've posted a collection of drabbles that were originally from my tumblr if you are interested in more ellie writings!
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it was jarring, the transition from speaking to not.
your friendship with ellie started all at once and fizzled out even quicker, no lasting proof besides the sticky notes that remained on your wall.
it felt silly, looking at them everyday. you wondered if it was inappropriate, keeping them around and on display. truthfully, you still had a little bit of hope left. if you took them down, that would certainly be the end.
she was only a part of your life for a short time, but the week had felt empty without ellie.
ellie hadn't made a move, so you didn't either.
the time apart made it easier to think though, easier to differentiate your thoughts without ellie clouding your senses.
normal friendships shouldn't feel so dramatic. they shouldn't have so many lingering stares, ghosting touches, and unsaid words. at least, you didn't think so. you hadn't experienced a friendship like that before. desperate to say it all yet too scared to say anything at all, you simultaneously wanted to tell ellie everything yet keep yourself a secret, a closed off book forever.
normal friendships shouldn't require that much thought.
the idea nagged at you continuously and you had no choice but to allow it. it was december, finals were wrapping up and the promise of winter break was no longer just around the corner, it was here.
things were always a little awkward, even when they were good. tension.
things hadn't felt weird in a bad way until the mention of jesse and dina. any color had promptly drained from ellie's face, and she was too quick to get away. you were confident that you hadn't misspoke. surely it was something on ellie's end, but it bothered you nonetheless. you had to have been apart of it.
thinking about ellie made you feel selfish, because it almost felt vain to weigh the ways in which she could potentially care about you. reading into stolen glances was a pastime that possibly could've been increasing your vanity. you didn't typically have such thoughts such as oh, i look pretty today, that must be why she keeps looking at me.
you missed looking at ellie. how pathetic but true, it had only been a few days but surely your journal was tired of hearing about it.
you quickly learned that ellie seemed a little impulsive, driven by her stubbornness. well, two can play at that game. you wouldn't even text her.
you half hoped that your absence would make her grow more fond at the idea of you, though maybe you had only pushed her away further. no texts, no anything.
sure, it was finals week. but still.
half of your clothes were packed away, piles around your room that you would swear was an organized method. studying didn't really do you any good, your last final was here and you were drained. you felt like an idiot for being more concerned about ellie, but you had done fine in the class all semester anyway.
snow was finally starting to pile on the ground. you would appreciate the beauty more after your final was finished, when it didn't matter if your hair grew wet from the melting flakes.
campus was quiet and relatively empty as you hurried to the building in which your final would take place. you liked being early, and refused to push the time limit for an exam. maybe the thought of seeing ellie again made your feet move a little quicker, but you focused on rehearsing the study guide in your head during your walk.
your heart pounded with every step. despite actually enjoying the class, you never felt relaxed at the idea of an exam. you had been so focused on ellie, it didn't really sink in that you would be sitting still in a silent room, clock ticking quietly as you would try your best to answer each question. what if you couldn't even focus?
it was too late to worry, and too early to resign yourself yet.
you made it in time, twenty minutes early, your specialty, but quite a few people already occupied the classroom. it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, though. people usually arrived early for finals. the satisfied smile slipped off of your lips however when you noticed that ellie wasn't around.
your heart dropped.
did she opt to take the exam early? what if you had already saw her for the last time, and you had no idea?
you sunk into your seat, wanting to text ellie but you were starting to forget the wording of a definition that you were trying to memorize last minute. sparing a quick glance at your phone, you decided to pull out your study guide instead for a last review.
how the fuck were you supposed to focus?
it was technically still early, but you pulse quickened everytime someone that wasn't ellie walked into the room.
what if ellie wasn't coming? even if things were weird, you guys had become friends. it would be fucked up just to never say bye, right? unless she wasn't as emotionally invested in the situation as you were... which, let's be honest...
the door was heaved open once again and you tried not to look disappointed when in walked a guy from your class. you refocused your gaze on your study notes when suddenly a muttered "thank you" pulled you out of your thoughts.
the guy was holding the door open for someone, but you didn't need to look to know who it was.
in walked ellie, shoulders straight and eyes set. you opened your mouth, ready to say something, but she walked right past you and towards the desk that she previously sat in, before you became friends.
your eyebrows furrowed and it felt like the final nail.
but she hesitated.
ellie hesitated before backpedaling and sat down in the empty spot next to you. the act alone practically gave you an ego.
she didn't glance at you even once, and somehow that felt even more obvious than if she would've looked at you. despite the circumstance you felt giddy, determined to redeem yourself for a mistake that you didn't even make.
you eyed ellie. she was trying so hard not to glance in your direction, it was cute. you had to try. you'd regret it if you didn't. you mentally debated which was worse, regret or embarrassment.
"so," you began, wanting to sound confident instead of squeaky with nerves. "on a scale of one to ten, how fucked do you think you are for the final?"
ellie's eyes widened and you tried, you really did, not to break out into a grin.
you continued. "i think i'm standing at a solid..." you pretended to think, drawing your eyebrows together as you looked to the ceiling, but you already knew what you were going to say. "...six?"
ellie snorted. "do you just memorize everything that i say?" she quipped, finally turning toward you.
your smile was sly once you looked away from her. "i don't know what you're talking about?"
ellie rolled her eyes, but you were finally speaking again and it was so good. a little late maybe, but good.
"don't copy me," ellie said, her words clipped. you knew she was joking. "anyway, you're gonna do better than a six. you organize your notes like a crazy person."
you frowned at the teasing statement but your heart skipped a beat anyway. ellie couldn't seem to meet your eyes and it made you feel greedy, desperate to get to the bottom of things.
"how have you been?" you asked, casually enough.
ellie looked at you as though you had posed a trick question.
"it's finals week," she replied flatly, but there was something else there.
you nodded. "right, but..." you quietly trailed off. there was no point in starting a big conversation with the exam merely minutes away.
ellie seemed visibly uncomfortable.
"the last time we talked, i..." ellie began to speak without knowing where she was going to end her sentence. you really needed to memorize that definition from earlier.
you flung open your notes. "it's fine," you dismissed. it wasn't really, but maybe you didn't want to do this now.
ellie winced. "it's not," she disagreed.
last week she had practically left you in the dust. now she wants to get confrontational?
"ellie," you frowned. "do you want to look through my notes? i have the ones from the section that i helped you with, that day in the library?" you looked up curiously, hand hovering over the pages incase she accepted.
ellie laughed, short and breathy. "i'm okay."
her tone was polite and light, a drastic change from how awkward she was just being. you carried on, quickly scanning paragraphs. cramming was never helpful, but you couldn't help yourself.
"i didn't really need your notes," ellie mumbled, looking away from you and at her hands instead.
you barely caught on to the uttered confession. "hm?"
her words took a second to register in your brain, to which you finally pulled your gaze away from your notes.
"are you declining my help in a passive aggressive way, or do you have something to say?" you asked quickly, the words tumbling out of your mouth before you could think it over. the classrooms were always too hot this time of year. your hands felt too dry and the feeling of them against paper was driving you crazy.
"what? no," ellie quickly corrected, shifting nervously in her seat.
you leaned over to unzip your bag that was on the floor, leaning against your chair. "i was just asking," you mumbled, pulling a small bottle of lotion from it's secure place in your bag.
ellie watched carefully as you applied a small amount to your hands. the sweet, floral notes reached her nose and she craned her neck in an attempt to read the scent name on the decorated tube.
"ellie?" you pressed, zipping your bag shut once again when you were finished with the lotion. ellie's sentence was unfinished, and you were running on little to no patience.
"i'm sorry," she breathed out. it wasn't what you were expecting and you blinked in surprise.
you would've clung to her every word, but you'd rather it be saved until your finals were over. you couldn't tell if it was a good i'm sorry or a bad one, and the result might genuinely impact your grade. it had to be discussed, you couldn't live with it being left alone. you debated biting the bullet and just asking if she wanted to hang out, but the idea of rejection made you hot in the face.
there it was again, regret or embarrassment.
if she said no, the embarrassment would most likely creep over you every night when you tried to sleep, but at least you wouldn't have to face her again. last chance.
you came out of your thought by noticing the dejected look on ellie's face. right, she said sorry.
"ellie," you tried again. "are you busy after this... or, or tonight?" you tried not to make it sound weighted, but you didn't think that you succeeded.
something of a surprised smile registered on ellie's face that she tried to suppress.
"after this?" ellie questioned, her words rushed. there wasn't much time to converse anymore. the final exam was looming.
you nodded. ellie blinked. "yes. sure," she responded, a little dazed.
satisfaction bloomed within you. it wasn't over yet.
thank god, you didn't have to work your way through this exam battling tears of rejection and heartache.
you wanted to say more, but the time that you had been prepping for weeks was finally upon you. you were stupidly emotional about the class ending. this class brought you ellie. this final was the reason for your budding friendship with ellie. you didn't want whatever this was with ellie to end with the class. you would finish the exam, and then you would talk.
"hey," ellie muttered, getting your attention quickly before the exams were handed out. "good luck," she said warmly.
you didn't bother hiding your smile. "good luck," you replied sincerely. you spared ellie one more quick glance before tuning in to focus.
*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
ellie left the exam before you did. she had finished first, only by a few minutes, but your heart raced. you were nearly done, just checking over answers when ellie had stood up, turned in her final, and left. she looked back at you before she had walked out of the doors. you had made eye contact. and then she was gone.
you skimmed all of the pages, making sure you had answered every question. your stomach hurt. did she leave? did she just leave?!
granted, of course, you could text her later. hopefully she would respond. but it was hard to make sense of any rational thoughts after the image of her leaving.
you did your best. you even felt fairly confident. you blindly gathered your things and turned in your exam, wishing your professor a final farewell and a happy winter break.
you pulled your phone out of your pocket upon exiting the classroom, hoping to see a text from ellie. instead, you simply saw ellie.
"oh," you said audibly.
ellie's head snapped up as soon as you appeared in the hallway. she was sitting on a bench outside of the classroom. she was waiting.
"how'd it go?" she asked hopefully.
you breathed a sigh of relief that turned into a laugh. she waited for you. the weight of the exam had been lifted off of your shoulders. now the only thing left that was bringing you down was where you stood with ellie.
"it's over," you mused, relieved that for a little while, there would be no assignments or tests to leave you in a tizzy. "what about you?"
ellie smiled in response, but her expression was lacking happiness. "we're free."
you nodded slowly, wanting to get on with it but at the same time feeling perfectly content with the small talk.
"so," you started, but the classroom door flung open causing you to flinch. another student completed the exam, exiting into the hallway. you stepped aside, drawing closer to ellie. "wanna get out of here?"
"do you have the time?" ellie questioned, looking at you almost accusingly.
your eyes narrowed. "yes," you emphasized. "that was my last exam. I am officially on winter break. also... you were the one that disappeared the last time we talked."
ellie paled, focusing her gaze on her converse. "yeah. about that..."
a small group of people came down the hallway. ellie stood up and gave you a look. "let's get out of here," she affirmed.
you trailed behind her, wringing your hands. what exactly were you even supposed to say? was this supposed to be some sort of all or nothing situation, because you really weren't very good at those...
once ellie noticed that you weren't at her side, she halted. "are... you okay?" she asked, looking unsure.
you nodded, eyes wide. you could see out of the doors, snow was falling once again. it was really starting to stick to the ground, too. the sight made your heart swell. "'it's snowing," you mumbled, awkwardly gesturing with your hand.
ellie let out a dry chuckle. "yeah, it is," she remarked, a soft smile painting itself on her lips. "wanna go to my dorm?"
you nodded once more, absentmindedly. ellie held the door open and you stepped outside, mentally welcoming the snow.
the walk was quiet. awkward. neither of you bothered with anymore small talk. it felt weird, saving the conversation until you arrived in ellie's dorm. you were anxious to see if she still had your doodles on her wall.
you made it in record time, motivated by the cold and slippery sidewalk. ellie laughed at you once you entered the building, stomping your shoes to rid them of any snow.
"you have snowflakes. in your eyelashes," ellie murmured, placing a careful hand under your chin to direct your gaze so she could examine them.
you stilled and held your breath, the feeling of her touch warming your body so much that you felt desperate to shed your coat.
"they'll melt," you whispered with an uneasy laugh.
ellie caught herself and removed her touch. your stomach flipped.
"i thought one time you said something about not liking when they melted on your eyelashes. something about your mascara running?" ellie teased, leading the way to her room.
"yeah, so i buy waterproof," you explained as if it were obvious.
ellie clicked her tongue and unlocked her door. "right. silly me," she breathed, stepping aside to let you into her room first. every action like that brought you butterflies.
you tried not to make it obvious, but you immediately looked for the notes on her wall. once your eyes landed on them, you breathed a sigh of relief. they were still there. suddenly you didn't feel so weird about keeping them on your wall either.
the room smelled like ellie. you wanted to soak it in.
ellie took off her coat, placed her bag on the floor and then dropped her coat on top of it. you followed suit, tucking your bag into a corner and shrugging off your coat. you were going to put it on the floor too, but ellie grabbed it from your hand and hung it on the back of a chair.
your cheeks warmed and you looked away.
"i feel like we should be studying or something," you tried with a small laugh.
"or something," ellie mused.
she sat on her bed, legs hanging over the side. you stood in front of ellie, avoiding eye contact.
"can i get you anything?" ellie awkwardly offered after a moment. "i don't have much left but i can offer you the water that's left in my bottle."
you rolled your eyes despite the corners of your lips, which quirked upwards. "charming. i'll pass, thank you."
"suit yourself," ellie sighed.
you were both trying way too hard to sound nonchalant. you hated it.
you stood awkwardly, not sure what to do with your hands. after a moment of hesitation, you finally made the plunge.
"ellie, did i like... say something? or do... something?"
you were scared of her answer, scared that maybe you really had been embarrassing yourself all along and now you wouldn't hear the end of it.
she looked resigned. you could tell that she was debating something, the way her eyes flicked away from your face and her eyebrows drew together.
"you didn't do anything," ellie confirmed. you could tell that she was physically working up to something. "i thought maybe... dina and jesse? i thought they might've said something stupid," she uttered.
you tilted your head in confusion, but your heart beat sped up. your mind flashed back to that moment, someone that ellie likes.
"they didn't," you reassured.
"yeaah, that's what they said too. i guess i just kinda... freaked." ellie replied, scratching the back of her neck.
"they were really nice," you offered awkwardly. "i didn't mean to make you feel weird or anything."
you even tried to avoid it, but you didn't have to explain that now. it's not like you would have actually hung out with dina and jesse... no offense to them of course, but you didn't know them so the idea made you feel extremely uncomfortable.
"you didn't," ellie pressed, adamant about not making you feel bad. "i thought that maybe i did."
you scrunched up your nose. "is that why you said the thing about freaking me out? because you really didn't."
ellie nodded. "i just thought they said something dumb. or something they shouldn't have said," she reiterated. ellie kicked off her converse.
your eyes widened, immediately thinking the worst. surely ellie was not the type of person to be nice to your face and then talk poorly about you to her friends? you honestly felt that if she didn't like you, you obviously wouldn't be standing in her room. still, the nagging thought persisted.
"something like what?" you asked, your voice coming out sharper than you intended.
"nothing bad, i just- dude, i feel like i'm on trial when you're just standing there like that."
your cheeks heated in embarrassment. "sorry," you mumbled, taking off your shoes and carefully tucking them next to your bag. you sat on the edge of her bed, and ellie turned to face you.
ellie's eyes scanned your features once you sighed.
"this is so dumb," you muttered. to your surprise, ellie laughed in relief.
"i was being weird. and i shouldn't have been," ellie clarified. "i'm sorry i made you feel bad."
the sincerity made you feel awkward. "it's okay. we're good?"
"we're good," ellie confirmed.
you blinked, forcing a smile onto your face. you were ready for this part to be over but there was still so much to be said.
you tore your eyes away from ellie, studying the solar system poster above her bed. "i still haven't seen the planetarium," you uttered wistfully.
ellie tilted her head, staring at you while you were unaware. "i'll take you," she said automatically, the words leaving her before she was able to doubt herself.
a ghost of a smile flickered on your lips.
"i think i've only been to a planetarium a couple times, as a kid," you said, eyes glancing over the starry map.
ellie smiled, quickly glancing from your lips to your eyes.
"for my sixteenth birthday, joel took me to this awesome museum," ellie began. her tone was wistful yet determined, voice laced with her best storytelling inflections.
you turned to face her again. ellie's eyes lit up while she spoke.
"it was a science and history museum," ellie explained. you smiled at her easy enthusiasm. "-and it had this planetarium that was the coolest fucking thing i've ever seen."
the smile quickly left your lips once your mouth dropped open in realization. "oh! the pictures!" you scrambled off of ellie's bed, leaving her to look confused and mildly concerned.
"pictures?" she questioned, getting up to follow after you. you lead her to the wall that was covered in all of her drawings and photos. you could've sworn that you remembered them. you scanned her wall, looking for two pictures in particular as your face scrunched up in concentration.
"there!" you pointed excitedly. the two photos that you remembered, ellie in an astronaut helmet grinning wildly at the camera, and ellie and joel wearing hats, posed in front of a massive dinosaur display.
"are those from your birthday?" you asked, stomach twisting with your words. you hoped that you were right, or else it might be embarrassing. maybe it was embarrassing anyway, the fact that you had so vividly remembered those photos.
ellie chuckled. "yeah actually, they are."
ellie bumped your shoulder, causing you to grin at her decorated wall.
"i love how many pictures you have," you sighed. "i have such a cute camera, but i always forget to take pictures in the moment." you explained with a frown.
"bring it when we go to the planetarium," ellie suggested plainly, as if her entire sentence didn't completely cause your pulse to quicken.
when.
we.
"okay," you replied flatly, wondering if ellie could tell how uneven your breathing had gotten. fueled by blind courage, you stared at astronaut ellie when you spoke. "i'm leaving tomorrow, though. going home for break."
"we'll go after break," she clarified, looking at you.
you turned your head to meet her eyes, willing yourself not to flinch at how close your faces were. the green of her eyes were always enchanting, but this close?
you swallowed hard. "okay," you agreed.
and it was official. ellie wanted to keep seeing you after break. you had done the impossible college task, turn a class friend into a real friend.
friend. honestly, it was laughable.
"okay," ellie repeated in a whisper. her eyes bore into yours and you were frozen, wanting to pull away but your body stayed still, feet planted. she was so intense.
you forced your body to move, turning your head away from her and taking a step back. you heard ellie sigh as you moved.
"i was never trying to blow you off," you confessed suddenly, once your back was to ellie.
you obviously had caught her off guard by the way in which she hummed in surprise. admittedly, you had caught yourself off guard too, but it had been weighing on your conscience too much. you couldn't ignore the signs anymore, and as much as you would have loved to wait around for ellie to make the first move, she was too concerned about potentially freaking you out.
"remember when you asked me if i wanted to go to the dining hall with you? the first time," you clarified. "and i said that i was free the rest of the day." you busied yourself by straightening the green throw blanket on ellie's bed.
ellie nodded, even though your back was turned. "yeah?"
"and then i stopped hanging out with you after class."
"yeah."
"i... um, i lied," you confessed suddenly, whirling around to face her.
ellie's features were etched in confusion. "lied about what?" she pressed, her voice low.
all of your insecurities felt heightened by how intensely she was staring at you. you felt cowardly, explaining the next part.
"i lied about being free?" you mumbled, face hot.
ellie's eyebrows knitted together, as if to say go on...
"i have another class on those days, like, about an hour later. but... i lied and said i was done for the day because... i wanted to... hang out?"
you mentally lost your footing but got there eventually, holding your breath once you finished your sentence. the silence was daunting until ellie suddenly laughed.
"are you fucking kidding me?" she asked, eyes wide.
"n-no?"
ellie shook her head. "why didn't you just tell me that?" ellie laughed, clearly amused.
"because it's embarrassing?" you said, believing it to be obvious.
"well, yeah," ellie mused. you visibly deflated.
ellie managed to hold back her laughter as she took a small step towards you. "you could've told me," she reiterated more seriously.
"sure i could've," you mumbled, rolling your eyes. "i was too nervous. it felt so stupid."
"you skipped class to hang out with me?" ellie's eyes glinted with bemusement. you wished she would stop looking at you, you needed a break. you quite literally felt like you were burning up.
"so what?" you snapped in defense, and ellie's laughter escaped her. you frowned, crossing your arms.
"i just wish that i knew that before," ellie shrugged, taking another step towards you. you countered it by taking a small step backwards.
"yeah well..." you shrugged. "i'm sorry. it's weird."
ellie immediately shook her head. "it's not," she pressed. she went from joking to being serious so quickly. god she made your head spin.
"i just didn't wanna-" you were quickly cut off by ellie.
"freak me out?" she finished. your blank expression was enough of a confirmation.
"imagine how i felt," ellie pointed out. "i thought that maybe i... i don't know," she shrugged it off. it wasn't fair, you were totally embarrassed and she kept brushing things off. it was infuriating. she looked so cute in her hoodie.
"maybe you what?" you pressed once again. finish your sentences, ellie.
ellie took a deep breath. "maybe i scared you off."
you shook your head slowly. yeah, these conversations were not typical in normal friendships.
"you didn't," you said. your words were quiet but weighted. you prayed for ellie to catch onto the implication. please please please-
ellie took a step closer. you took a step back. your body knocked against ellie's bed and you straightened your knees.
"good," she said simply, not breaking eye contact.
"okay, enough about that," you laughed weakly. "why did you want to hang out with me in the first place?" you questioned, attempting to change your tone.
ellie's eyebrows raised. "seriously?" she asked flatly, unimpressed with your question.
whatever. this so wasn't fun.
"how would you recommend going about making friends?" ellie asked tauntingly.
"oh, you're putting me on the spot again. let's not do that anymore," you suggested. ellie laughed suddenly and rolled her eyes.
"my bad," she joked, throwing her hands in the air to resign. you smiled but the butterflies in your stomach made you feel sick.
you threw her an accusing look but she grinned, enjoying whatever this situation was. you almost felt jealous, wondering what it was that you could have possibly done that managed to boost her confidence.
"besides, you never answer any of my questions," you argued.
"well you just have so many," ellie mumbled and then frowned. "and yes i do," she defended. "i just answered your question about those pictures being from my birthday."
"ellie," you complained.
ellie mocked your tone, saying your name as a complaint.
you appeared unamused, willing the corners of your lips not to turn up.
ellie dropped the joke-y smile and genuinely appeared to be conflicted. you worried that you pressed too far, maybe things didn't need to come out right now, but you stayed silent anyway.
"fine," ellie finally said. "ask me."
"ask you what?" you quickly questioned.
"just ask me."
heart pounding, you remained still as ellie took another hesitant step towards you. you felt as though there were so many things that could go wrong. it was all dangling, right in front of you. one wrong move or one right move, you couldn't decide which it was, and everything would be out in the open. you were terrified, wanting to immediately backpedal but at the same time, you were starting to feel addicted to the adrenaline of being around ellie. you wanted to ask her so many questions but also, nothing at all.
at once it came to you, and the final exam that you had just taken felt like it had been days ago.
you wrinkled your nose. "what did you mean when you said you didn't really need my notes?"
the expression that registered on ellie's face made you feel as though you had asked the incorrect question.
"i just mean, you didn't say that you don't need my notes, you said that you didn't need my notes which doesn't make sense because-"
"i lied," ellie cut you off.
you gaped at her and ellie took another step, this one even more hesitant. you couldn't move away any further. you resigned and sat down on her bed.
"about what?" you asked, and your voice came out more quiet than you had intended. you felt like your heart was pounding in your ears.
"i didn't need your notes."
"i know, you said you didn't but-"
"no, i didn't need your notes," ellie tried again. "i never needed your notes."
she was treading lightly and you could tell. ellie tried meeting your eyes, but you stared down at your hands in your lap.
"you never needed my notes," you repeated softly.
ellie nodded once, encouraging your train of thought. she let it linger, only for a moment before clarifying. "in the library. the study group."
what?
"you never needed my notes?" your head snapped up, eyes wide as you finally met ellie's gaze. she slowly shook her head, trying to gage your reaction.
you felt humiliated, as if you had forced ellie to study with you even though that certainly wasn't the case at all. she had even encouraged it, initiated it even, but dread still filled a pit in your stomach.
"but you said that you were there for the study group!" you said, grasping for straws. ellie chuckled.
"yeah, i was. just not for the reason you thought."
you tilted your head to the side. "go on," you said, raising an eyebrow.
"i didn't need help. i wasn't there to get help. i was actually there to give help, but the person didn't show up," ellie explained.
you blinked once, slowly. you repeated her words in your mind. you let it sink in.
"oh my god," you muttered, partly in disbelief. "why did you let me help you?"
"becauuse," ellie carefully sat next to you. "i figured... if you thought that i needed help, you would stay."
her expression remained stoic despite the red blush that was creeping up onto her face. your stomach flipped.
"and i stayed," you uttered.
"you stayed," ellie confirmed. "mission accomplished," she offered weakly.
she wanted you to stay. she acted like she needed your notes so you would stay.
ellie was watching you carefully, but you didn't feel pressured to react. you wiped your palms on your pants.
"okay," you began calmly. "i hate study groups. i hate the awkward conversation, being around people that never actually speak to me. i never go to those things. the only reason that i went was because you asked me about it in class. and so i thought that i might see you there. and i wanted to see you," you added the last part, letting the words fall into the open.
"you're fucking with me," ellie immediately said.
"i'm not," you argued, defensive and buzzing.
ellie clicked her tongue in disbelief, eyeing you. shorter strands of hair always fell into her face. you wanted to swipe them away.
"jesus," ellie mused.
"is that why you wanted me to stay? you wanted to be friends?"
ellie winced at friends, and you inwardly cringed.
dear god.
"not friends," you quickly clarified. "well, friends, but..." your voice failed you, but maybe it was for the better. you wished you weren't wearing a sweater, too warm.
ellie said your name, quietly to get your attention. you met her eyes. her mouth slipped into a sly smile when she spoke.
"i sat next you because i thought that you were pretty," she uttered pointedly.
oh! like like like!
your mind and face went blank. "oh," you laughed after a second.
"oh?" ellie questioned, watching you carefully.
ellie leaned into you, elbows propped on her legs. you swallowed hard. you felt like you were watching yourself instead of actively experiencing what was happening. it was dreamlike.
"you're the only reason i haven't skipped class all semester," you blurted out. you grimaced, twisting it into a nervous smile. okay, sure, no time like the present.
ellie looked at you curiously, cocking her head to the side. "really?"
"really," you confirmed, running your fingers along the blanket on her bed.
"you definitely weren't obvious," ellie murmured, looking at you in amusement.
"i wasn't supposed to be, are you kidding? this is humiliating."
"is it?" ellie questioned, eyebrows raised in concern despite the smirk on her face.
"sort of? oh my god, i feel so dumb. i had the biggest-" you paused in hesitation, the word crush hadn't been used yet and you were reluctant to be the first.
like like like!
"i wanted to talk to you all semester," you corrected, still burning with embarrassment. "and when you sat next to me, well, i know that technically i sat next to you but that was my seat first so really all i was doing was sitting in my normal seat where i had sat every other day but then you decided to move seats so really-"
you rambles were cut off, surprisingly, pleasantly, by ellie leaning inwards and placing her hands on your shoulders. you were suddenly pulled towards her as ellie closed the gap between the two of you.
her lips, warm and a little chapped, met your own without a moment's notice. your eyes widened in surprise before you forced them shut, melting into ellie as she brought a careful hand to the side of your face. your heart pounded, butterflies exploded in your stomach and yet you tried not to think, only to enjoy it.
like!
the kiss lasted merely seconds before ellie pulled away, lifting her hands away from you. they hovered above you, the ghost of her touch lingering. you already missed it. ellie quickly scanned your face for any indication of feeling.
you were lost for words, every hopeless hope that you had held and carried with you for weeks turned out not to be hopeless after all. now probably wasn't the best time to feel shy, but nerves consumed you.
despite them though, you laughed. "so when jesse said someone that ellie likes..."
"yes," ellie confirmed.
you grinned. "me too."
"yeah?" ellie asked softly.
you hummed in response, allowing your eyes to flutter shut as ellie leaned in once again. you allowed yourself to be kissed, drowning out your nervous feelings with complete and total bliss.
you pulled away first this time, drawing your knees up to your chest.
"how long?" you inquired, peering to the spot on the wall where the sticky notes were on display.
"since the first day, when a pretty girl was in my class and i had to take the seat in front of her."
"me?" you whispered, as if you were being let in on a secret. in a way, you supposed, you were.
ellie nodded enthusiastically.
"me too," you said with a frown. "good thing you finally spoke to me, 'cause class would've ended before i had the chance."
"good thing," ellie agreed with a hum. you wanted to kiss her again.
"so, is there a reason i got invited to lunch? they said something about you canceling all the time," you mused.
ellie waved it off. "just dina being dina. i was canceling but... there was only so much time left in the semester to try and impress you," ellie joked wistfully.
you shook your head in disbelief. "i can't believe this."
"you? what about me?" ellie countered. "when i saw you that night at the bar, with that guy? god, i was fucking praying that you didn't have a boyfriend or something."
"cute," you responded simply, to which ellie wrinkled her nose.
"oh, and when i gave you my number?" ellie continued on, talking animatedly now. "and you didn't text me at all during the entire weekend?" ellie shook her head, letting out a breathy laugh. "i thought it was over for me."
"i was so scared," you admitted.
"it's okay," ellie reassured you. "we got to the bottom of it."
you smiled, looking at your hands. the silence that ensued was comfortable.
"were you ever going to tell me?" you asked finally.
ellie sighed heavily, scanning your face. "i don't know. i wasn't sure if you wanted me to. i had to be sure." she looked down at your hands, fidgeting and wringing.
you nodded in understanding. "you were sort of driving me crazy these past few weeks. i couldn't tell if you actually liked me or if i was overreacting to everything."
"oh, join the club," ellie mused.
okay, note to self, trust your gut feeling. unless anxiety is controlling your gut feeling. then... disregard completely. other note to self, try to figure out the difference between a real gut feeling and an anxious, fake gut feeling.
*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
you talked and talked with ellie until the sun went down. you had hardly noticed it had gotten dark. the shades and curtains were open, once letting in the natural light from the day. the room grew dark as night fell, but neither of you moved from the bed. you sat, talking and laughing and whispering and you wondered how cheesy you would seem if you pinched yourself.
time ticked by no matter how much you opposed it, and the threat of morning weighed heavy on you.
"i'll walk you," ellie insisted once you were putting on your shoes.
you glanced out of the window. snow was piling up quickly. it was beautiful to look at, but you dreaded the walk back to your dorm.
"are you kidding? no way," you refused. you felt bad enough the last time that ellie had walked you home, and that night's weather was nice compared to tonight.
"are you kidding?" ellie began putting on her shoes, lacing up her converse.
"i'm just going to go," you threatened flatly.
"okay, i'll just trail behind you and try not to look like a total creep," ellie retorted.
you pushed out a breath of air, trying not to smile. ellie had her jacket on quicker than you did anyway.
when ellie asked if you had gloves this time, you were proud to pull them out of your coat pocket to show her.
"a hat?" ellie questioned next.
"i can't find my earmuffs," you grumbled.
in response, ellie placed her own hat on your head, tugging it down so that it covered your ears with a look of determination on her face.
the walk was peaceful, though trudging through the quickly fallen snow had proven to be difficult. it was beautiful though, and ellie guided you with a careful hand on your arm so you could focus your gaze upward, at the falling snowflakes.
when you arrived at your dorm, you both hesitated in the cold despite your noses turning red.
"ellie, do you want to come in fo-"
"yes," ellie quickly answered. you grinned.
yourself and ellie spent two more hours talking together. you stood back and observed while ellie paced around your room, looking at pictures and trinkets. everything about her was endearing. the shy smile that graced her lips upon seeing the sticky notes on your wall was the reason behind your third kiss that night.
when ellie finally had to leave, she parted with promises to text when she had made it safely. and she did.
you traced her name from the sticky note over and over, emotions swelling inside of you. despite the calm you felt fairly overwhelmed, left with so much to process. positively overwhelmed, at least. no longer would you lose sleep, analyzing and overthinking trying to figure out if ellie could truly like you.
like like like!
you would see her again after break, it was certain. you would text her, not worrying if ellie didn't really want you to have her number.
after all, she gave it to you for a reason... just as she reminded you before leaving for her dorm.
so of course, you promised to text her.
and you did.