I have no idea what happened. It's like my life has completely flipped 180 again. Everything went from going so right for a bit to completely crashing down for no reason. Becoming a disappointment in the field that dreamed about for years, going completely broke, getting heartbroken again, and now coming to find out that there's big chance I may get rejected from the chemistry department here in AZ. All the shit had to go through just to escape Indiana and now I may be forced to go back with nothing. No Ph.D. No accomplishments. I came here for nothing and lost all my money in the process. Once again, I have no plan. I don't see a future. I never saw this coming. The future that I want is no longer attainable. I may have to leave the place that once made me happy and return to my personal hell. A place where my family of traitors and liars reside. A place where my one of my best friends killed himself. A place where one of my other best friends completely betrayed my trust and showed his true disgusting colors. A place where my heart was shattered beyond imagination. A place where there is absolutely nothing to do. Even with my qualifications, there's no place for me there, no geoscience to teach, no chemist job that's not involved in the medical field or some lowly factory. And I refuse to rejoin a pharmacy.
I hate to admit it because I never wanted to reach this low, but for once, it actually may be better for something to just end me now. There's legitimately nothing left for me. I failed everything I wanted. I failed my family. I failed my future. I've said it before, I was never meant to make it this far, and now that I have, what was all of it for? Just an extra couple of good memories and thousands of more bad experiences and turmoil just to drag me back down to the darkness I clawed out of because I thought maybe there was something more. And nothing has changed. I went from being crippling depression in high school to crippling depression in grad school. What was the point of staying alive for an extra 6-7 years if I was just going to end up back where I started, now an even bigger disappointment and failure. I can't show my face back home again. I failed.
This time there's nothing and no one that can save me. I don't even think I would accept the help. Last time I chose to live because of someone changing my mind, they just broke me 5 years later. Another pointless event. Saving another person just to pummel them into the ground. At least if it would've ended earlier than that never would've have happened in the first place.
I wish I had the balls to do it myself, but I know I don't. All I can do now it just hope that someone just shoots me or runs me over. At least here in the city it's more likely to happen than in Indiana.