________
Running. I'm running in what looks like a forest, trees are all around me, large and sturdy. I feel as though I'm getting suffocated as they surround me, getting tighter and tighter and tighter until finally I see an opening out. Sunlight is illuminating the path and I seek it out, revealing another forest but this one is spacious with enough room for me to breathe. In front of me however, lays a deer, a spotted one. Random and out place.
Only it's back is shown to me as it lays and I try to approach it carefully but with each step I take, I see blood pouring out of the spotted deer. Blood. Tons and tons of blood coming out of the deer to no end. Tears fill my eyes as I run to the deer in desperation and then..
The trees are gone. Suddenly instead of a bloody deer, I'm met by an bloody corpse. On a kitchen floor— my kitchen floor. Blood. Puddles of blood is streaming down the kitchen floor as I approach once again, but this time with caution. As I get closer to the corpse, its skin and eyes are scarily familiar.
And then I come to the horrifying realization that the corpse isn't just a corpse.. it's my mother. My mother.
.
My screams fill the dormitory as I wake, horrified and confused by my mind and its antagonizing tricks. Panic fills my entire being, anxiety overloading me and fear striking me as if it was a knife.
I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. I claw at my neck, searching for air and yet I get no response. My heart is running faster than I can handle and tears stream down my face unknowingly. I feel as though there is no escape from this madness until a voice consoles me and I feel as though I can breathe again.
"Alea? Fuck, are you okay? What happened?" Leighton Valak. He's here, at my bedside and holding my shoulders and asking me if I'm okay. I'm not sure if this is another part of the horrific dream but if it is, it's not at all scary.
I look at him dazed until I'm hit by the realization that my dreams are back. My horrendous, terrifying, god-awful dreams.
"Alea?" He says.
I ignore.
"Alea? Are you okay? Can you even hear me?"
I ignore.
I hear what he's saying but my mind cannot fully comprehend it. All my mind is capable of thinking about is the sight of my mother's deadpan face as the blood comes gushing out of her head.
His hands cup my face, his thumb brushing against my cheek ever so gently which causes me to finally process his presence and I lock my eyes with his. His beautiful grey eyes, and as I focus on that— my anxiety calms and the dreadful image fades.
And I'm only left with one feeling, shame.
Complete and utter shame. I'm immediately embarrassed as I'm reminded of the fact that Leighton Valak is here, he's here holding my face in his hands because of my own inability to control myself. I freaked like a maniac, about what? A stupid dream?
What makes it worse is that he had to comfort me. Comfort me. How humiliating is that? I quickly yank his hands away,
"What the hell are you doing?" I don't make eye contact.
"Wha- what are you talking about? I was just trying to help-" I don't make eye contact.
"Well clearly you aren't. Get out!" I don't make eye contact.
"Alea-" I don't make eye contact.
"Just go! Leave me alone."
I don't make eye contact as he looks at me somberly, his face filled with confusion and a little anger.
But those vanish almost instantly as his expression changes into a blank one. I can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling or thinking right now, his face apathetic as he gets up and walks out at my request. A part of me stings with regret, wishing I could go back and apologize and tell him to stay but I ignore that part of me.
-
Tuesday, October 19th.
"So, your dreams have come back. Why do you think they stopped in the first place?" Mrs. Marshall asks. I had scheduled an off schedule visit as I usually don't come to therapy on Tuesdays, but this was an exception.
I couldn't even focus properly in any of my classes because of the tension in my body, distracting me from doing even the most basic things.
"I don't know, I didn't come here to be met with patronizing questions I don't have the answers to."
"Alea." She scolds. "I'm only here to help." I exhale in and out. "I'm sorry, I- I've just been tense all day and I can't- I just want to make it stop." I tell her, rubbing my head out of uneasiness.
"I don't want to suggest or recommend any medication, I'm not sure it'd be helpful for you. It could do more harm than good."
I shake my head, "I don't care, whatever makes it stop." I'm tired of being in my head.
Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling. Tired of having to be me all the time. It's insufferable.
Mrs. Marshall is continuously talking yet I can't hear her.
At some point I get up and simply walk out. I can't bother to hear her speak any longer, saying useless advice and empty promises. I don't want to go back to my dorm. Nor any of my classes. I do something stupid and impulsive and not at all like me, I call Aidan.
Surprisingly, Aidan answered quicker than expected and I somehow ended up at his apartment. It was nice and neat. "Are you okay? You sounded kinda.. weird on the phone and you didn't say anything in the car." He asks me as we step inside. I ignore him. "Do you have any weed?"
Aidan doesn't question me as he gets out an entire bag of it. He rolls two up quickly and hands me mine, I don't hesitate. Exhaling it in and out, I begin coughing. I actually have no idea what the fuck I'm doing yet I do it anyway. I do it again and again until I'm not able to think anymore.
My eyes are droopy as I can barely keep them open but yet.. I feel strangely refreshed. I feel absolutely nothing, my mind is for once empty and my heart lets go of all the pressure it's been under since last night. I've never felt like this before, like everything was actually going to be okay. Even if it was all just an illusion.
I lay my head down on Aidan as we sit on the couch, my head in his lap as he looks down at me. I eventually scum to the exhaustion sweeping over me.
-
When I wake up, I find myself in a bed. Almost instantly my heart speeds up as an alarm in my head raises.. until the smell of the sheets fill my nose. Leighton, they smell entirely of Leighton Valak. My body relaxes and the tension in my bones quickly vanish as the extrusive thoughts are eradicated in an instant by the smell of him.
"You're awake." Leighton frightens me as he stands in the doorway, his arms crossed and his body leaning in the doorway. His stern grey eyes staring me down, "What am I doing here?" I ask.
"You think I wanted to spend my Tuesday babysitting you? No. But clearly, you're not in the right head space to make your own decisions."
Leighton says, completely ignoring my question. His tone is calm but serious, almost as if he's on the verge of yelling at me though he keeps his composure.
"What are you talking about-"
"You called Aidan to get high. You haven't been to any of your classes and you've been off ever since last night." Leighton reminds me.
"Aidan's a good guy. Who stupidly cares about you and your wellbeing. Next time, don't try to use him to make yourself feel better." I should've taken offense by this but in the corner of my mind, with the self awareness I had left, I knew he was right. I was a mess, leaving my classes early and using substances as a way of avoiding my stress and anxiety.
I'd never done anything like this before and the embarrassment of my actions was eating me up inside.
"Take off your clothes." Leighton tells me. So nonchalantly.
"W-what?" I almost yell.
"If you want to let loose and unwind, let me show you how. The right way."
"I-" Leighton seems to finally grasp the error of his word choice as he looks embarrassed, "I meant get in the shower.. My sister will be here when you get out to give you some clothes."
"Clothes? For what?"
"We're going out. I told you I was going to show you how to let loose the right way."
.
"My dress is a little tight on you, you're a little bigger than me."
"Oh."
"No! I meant like- as in thicker than me. I shouldn't have said that, my apologies." Normally, any comment made about my body would instantly make me uncomfortable and would provoke a depressive episode. I let her comment slide as my mind doesn't have any more room for more self-deprecating thoughts.
I stare at myself in Leighton's mirror in his bedroom, Mia's dress was indeed tight on me, but not bad tight. It was a simple black strapless dress.
I catch myself wondering why I'm even doing this.
Why I'm still here.
"I know comments made about the body in any way are problematic.. to say the least." Mia says, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I mean, the girls in my sorority call me skinny constantly. "Mia! What's your diet?" "Mia your body is so pretty, god, why can't I be like you?" They say to me on a daily basis like schoolgirls."
I unintentionally laugh at her mimicking and mocking her seemingly annoying sorority sisters.
"I mean, the first time is acceptable. But a second and third time? It's just patronizing."
"And it's sad really."
My head leans to the side, "What do you mean?" I ask. My curiosity getting the better of me.
"Human beings by default are not perfect. We all know that and yet we crave perfection for ourselves, even when it's unattainable. Why? Because we're human of course. We want what we can't have."
"And that got deep incredibly fast! Apologies, I guess being psychology majors we can't help it, huh?" She laughs. I don't know what type of face I'm making, but I know it's probably a foolish one as I look at her with a huge smile on my face.
I'm.. amused?
I don't know a better word for what I'm feeling right now.
Mia Valak is beautiful. In all kinds of ways, but essentially in her mind. The way she thinks. Within the little time of being with her, I've grown to like her. More than I thought I would.
"So.." She says, sitting on the edge of Leighton's bed, her legs crossed and her arms folded.
"What's going on between you and my brother?"
"No-"
"And don't say nothing because my brother has not talked to me for months, aside from the time me and Alec had came unannounced.. we don't talk about that."
"But despite his obvious stubbornness, he called me because he wanted me to come and help you."
"I mean seriously! He doesn't answer none of my calls or my texts or even my emails but suddenly, he calls me up for a dress? A dress! Really?"
I stand there awkwardly.
"I'm sorry, I'm rambling. But my point is, I know it took a lot for him to call me but he did, for you. And yet he claims he hates you and is simply doing this out of necessity."
I can't help but avoid eye contact with her. I'm not sure what to think of her words as my mind swirls around with thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts.
And thankfully I don't have to think of an answer as a knock at the door interrupts all conversation,
"It's time for us to go." Leighton says.
.
"Is she ready?" I hear Leighton ask.
"Yes, if you'd let her come out-" Mia stops as her gaze lands on me as I exit Leighton's room. I had only needed to put on lipgloss and fix my hair a bit, which took a good extra 20 minutes.
"We can leave now."
Mia's departure was heartfelt as I had said goodbye, Leighton merely gave her a head nod which made Mia smile regardless. Their relationship and overall dynamic was a mystery to me, it doesn't make sense at times.
Leighton seemed to be in hurry as he rushed me in the car almost immediately after Mia left.
"Are you okay?" I ask out of annoyance. His behavior was beginning to bug me. He doesn't answer me as he slowly starts up his car.
I try to call out his name a couple more times and he simply acts as if I'm not there. When he finally starts driving I give up on trying to converse with him.
Why did he insist on me to come out with him for him to ignore me?
I'm not sure on how that's going to help me "let loose" unless we have two completely different definitions of the term. I shouldn't be mad, I don't know what I expected.
The car ride was painfully silent.
We finally arrived at our destination, an extravagant club. My heart instantly speeds up a bit. I didn't expect a club, I've only ever been to one party in my life and that was just a few days ago.
Without even setting a foot inside I'm already regretting my decision to come in the first place.
I think Leighton noticed my hesitation as he gets out of the car, opens my door and grabs me out, in a simple and calm manner.
His hand goes down my arm to my hand, attempting to entwine our fingers together. I let them.
Despite my better judgment.
He doesn't make eye contact, which I'm glad for because I don't know if I'm as red as I feel. I'd be lying if I said him holding my hand didn't cause my heart to decompress.
With our fingers locked together, Leighton casually walks over the enormous line waiting out of "Endless Rave."
People didn't yell or curse at him like I thought they would for skipping over the line with hundreds of people lined up waiting for entry.
But then I remember how much of a public figure Leighton's father is, Eric Valak. Multi-Millionaire with 3 of the largest companies in the country. It never occurred to me that Leighton would be known universally as well.
The security guard standing in the front moves aside and let's us in without hesitation.
And I'm still following Leighton like a lost a puppy as he leads me through the incredibly frustrating large club. Through the hundreds of people dancing and singing.
We eventually lose the crowd and we go upstairs, the V.I.P section and then he let's go of my hand. Our fingers disconnect as we reach our destination.
"Hey! I didn't think you'd make it-" Hayden cuts himself off as his gaze shifts from Leighton to me. Surprised by my presence.
That's why he let my hand go.
"Hey!" He exclaims as he takes me in for a hug.
"Hey, Hayden." I say as a unwanted smile comes across my lips.
"You brought Alea?" Leighton nods.
"Thought you'd be the best person to show her how to let loose in a.. appropriate way."
Hayden laughs. "Me? Man, I don't know about that."
"But Aidan and everyone else is here, I'm sure he wouldn't mind showing her the ropes." He says as he leads us to their side of the VIP section, it was sort of an extensive lounge area with couches everywhere and drinks in everyone's hand.
There was a bunch of people who I didn't know but my eyes only wandered to one, Aidan.
His green eyes caught mine quickly. He put his drink down and he ran up to me and wrapped me in his arms. The unwanted smile from earlier popping up again and this time it stayed.
"I'm so sorry for earlier I-"
He shakes his head.
"Let's not talk about that right now. Are you okay? If you don't wanna be here we can leave-"
"No, I wanna be here. I want to let loose." I say, quoting Leighton. He hesitates but nods.
I feel weird at our sudden intimacy, the way we naturally came to each other. Hayden looks at us with a teasing smile and we both ignore him, I look around for Leighton but I can't seem to find him anywhere. It's like he just disappeared. I ignore it.
He'll show up eventually.
.
After a while of drinking some disgustingly strong margaritas, me and Aidan go back downstairs. We quickly fall into the crowd with Aidan's hands around my waist leading me to the music.
My mind is like a cloudless fog as I'm thinking of nothing and letting the tide take me away.
I smile and laugh stupidly as we dance for what seems like hours and hours, his touch is comforting.
It's calm and quiet and so incredibly soft. His touch is almost the exact opposite of Leighton's.
My heart feels calmer when I'm with him, he makes me feel like everything's going to be okay even if it's all an illusion from the pounds of tequila I've just consumed.
I grab Aidan closer to me, moving my hips according to the music. His arms are wrapped around me from the back and I lean my back on his chest.
I've never been one to like physical touch, I hate being touched with a passion but with him.. it's almost like It's natural.
The way he touches me feels right. It's almost as if it's just me and him in this entire place and I'm not focused or worried about anything else except his hands on my body.
I close my eyes as I let the feeling of absolute peace overflow me. It hits me almost like a wave, the peace of the absence of my mind and the horror of my thoughts. The feeling of dread and the pain of all the tension and sadness that's been in my entire body all day, disappeared.
Almost as if it was never there in the first place, my mother's dead body isn't constantly looming inside of my head. I feel at peace for the first time in forever.
Until my bodily fluids interfere. I have to pee, bad. That's what stupidly drinking 4-5 margaritas will do to you. I slip out of Aidan's embrace quickly, "I'll be back!" I shout as he looks at me with confusion.
I'm not even sure where the bathroom is but I'll find it sure enough.. before I hopefully don't pee on myself.
"Sorry! Sorry! Um excuse me- sorry!" I say as I go back upstairs, pushing past tons of people. Tripping and stumbling along the way. I go back to the V.I.P section looking for anyone recognizable and sure enough I found someone, Hayden, black out drunk and nearly vomiting and a dark-skinned guy, his name was James.. or something like that? Or was that someone else? I don't know.
"Hey! I was-" loads of vomit comes out from Hayden as James quickly gives him another bag, carefully pointing him away from the stainless couches.
"I was um.. wondering where the bathroom up here was?" I manage to say as I hold my breath.
He shakes his head in disappointment and disgust as he points me to the direction of the bathroom, which was all the way upstairs. I didn't even know there was another upstairs.
"Do you want me to come with you? I know this is a secured section but creeps could still be around."
I decline.
"I'll be fine! I can take care of myself, just a littleee tipsy. Unlike Hayden here." I say, giving Hayden a pat on the head.
He nods. "Good point."
Leaving the restroom after finally getting to relieve myself, I suddenly feel hands grab me.
Before I can scream my mouth is covered as I see my assailant, Leighton. The panic in my body leaving instantly as I see those grey eyes, I push his hand off my mouth.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You can't greet me like a normal person?" I say but my anger leaves as I realize he reeks of alcohol.
He's completely drunk.
And he's towering of me. His dragon wing tattoo looming over me, intensely. We're just inches apart as my back's fully against the wall.
"Why are you so different with him?" He whispers to me. "I-i don't know what you mean." His grey eyes are like daggers, daggers that are killing me slowly.
"You're so mean to me."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"You hate me."
"I know." He says. His voice is so delicate and gentle. I've never seen this side of him before and despite my better judgment, I like it.
"Is it okay for me to touch you?" He asks as his fingers attempt to brush my face, he hesitates waiting for my answer. "No."
At this point I'm not even sure if I'm still a little too drunk or if I'm entirely too sober.
"I knew you were going to say that." Leighton's tone is more melancholy than disappointed, making my heart ache a bit. "You ignored me."
"I did."
"And then you left me and disappeared."
"I did." He answers.
"Why?" I press further.
"Because you're too beautiful." I'm taken aback by this.
"What?" I say, confused. Maybe he's too drunk to give me a clear concrete answer, I'm almost too drunk to be having this conversation.
"You're too beautiful." He tells me, his tone genuine.
"Unreal." He whispers into my ear, sending electrons throughout my entire body. My heart's pounding so fast I wouldn't be surprised if he could hear it.
He leans all the way down and rests his head on my chest. "I can hear your heart." Leighton says and my knees almost fall.
I just stand there.
Completely still.
And we stay like this, for what almost feels like an eternity. His head on my chest as he listens to my heart beat. A weird form of intimacy I never knew I needed. Until he finally whispers, "I'm sorry. For everything." Leighton's voice is still so soft and warm.
"Make it up to me." I tell him. He looks up at me with his piercing grey eyes and smiles.
A/N
heyy! so um I haven't updated in a WHILE and I'm so sorry for that.. I be struggling finding motivation but now that its the summer I should have way more time on my hands.. I just need to find it.
And this chapter was so long but I had to squeeze everything in one because some things are essential to Alea's POV! but do you guys like the first-person pov? I completely struggled on writting it for the first time but I think it came out fairly well, what do you guys think ?
till next time.
- ria