The second Michaela stepped out from Amaya's bedroom, my heart stopped. Though the last seventeen years I'd seen hints of Maya in both my niece and nephew, the resemblance tonight was uncanny. Amaya, leaning against the wall outside her bedroom, eyed me worriedly, mirroring the look that was constantly lingering in her father's eyes.
"What?" Mickey asked, running her hand down the crystal blue dress, blue eyes wide. "Do I look horrible? May, you said I looked gorgeous!"
My fifteen year old rolled her eyes at her cousin's outburst and waved her hand dismissively. "You do. Mom's just being a mom and crying over every dumb high school milestone."
Damn right I was. Because I was getting to experience watching my sister's kids become incredible young adults who she would have been proud of.
"Oh shit, she's about to cry." Trev draped his arms over Amaya's shoulders with a crooked smile. Though both my children were spitting images of their father, Trev had inherited mine and Maya's smile and Amaya had been blessed with gorgeous blue-green eyes that popped against her warm brown skin. "Someone call Dad!"
I shot him a pointed look, but he winked and whispered something to Amaya. Max decided to step out of his bedroom and join the commotion. Though he had our small, sharp features, Max favored his father in his build. His hair was also about as long as Nixon's and was tied back in a man bun as he fixed the tie around his neck and took in his sister, then his cousins. "What's up with all the yelling?"
"Mom's about to start crying." Mickey said, fanning herself. "Which means I'm going to start crying and my makeup is going to smear. We should have gotten ready at Uncle Park's."
Amaya's face flushed at the mention of her uncle, or more specifically his son, but I pushed that aside for another day and stepped forward to take Michaela into my arms. "You look beautiful, Mick."
"You mean I look like Maya?"
I winced a little at the words, but eventually forced a nod.
Tan, Park, Nixon, and I had sat the twins down when they were fourteen and explained everything to them. It hadn't affected Max much, but Mickey had been devastated and did research, rummaged through photos, stalked Maya's social media accounts. She wanted to know my sister, her mother, but she eventually realized it was hurting her more than helping her and stopped altogether. I had told them they didn't need to call Tanner and me Mom and Dad, but they'd refused to stop as we were their parents. We'd raised them. Nixon was in and out, and they knew he was their father, but he was consistent enough for them to latch on to. He was just full of money and gifts for them whenever they saw him.
"We should get going." Max leaned forward and hugged me, squeezing my body against him tightly. "We're going to be okay, Mom. Don't worry."
I nodded, and he helped his sister down the hallway, both of them laughing over how Mickey continued to trip over her own feet. Trev reached out and touched a hand to my shoulder. "Mom, they're fine. We're fine. Everything is okay."
"It's not." I wiped at my cheeks, not wanting to walk to take pictures with a face full of tears. "I blinked and all of you are teenagers. Where did all my little babies go?"
Amaya stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. Having gotten her father's height, I only reached her chest, and she wasn't even done growing yet. "We're still your babies, Mom."
Trev approached and nudged me with a wicked smile I knew Parker had no doubt had something to do with. "I mean, you and Dad could still have more little babies."
I smiled and hugged both of them before breathing in and exhaling slowly and turning to face the twins. Tanner was giving them a pep talk and my smokey eyed, beautiful niece was already starting to get teary eyed.
"Mom, tell him to stop." Mickey groaned, blinking rapidly to keep tears from falling and smearing her makeup. "Actually, Max, let's just go. I'm going to be a mess and I don't need Ray seeing me like that."
Tanner wrapped his arm around me and we watched both the kids walk down the driveway, his own eyes a little misty, though he'd never admit it and quickly blinked the tears away.
"Tan?" I whispered, tilting my head back to look up at him.
"Yeah, babe?"
I felt the smallest of smiles tug at my lips. "Is more kids completely off the table?"
**
Parker aged like fine wine and the statement had been made by both Chandler and Tanner for the last couple years; of course I agreed. He had slept with a girl his last year of college and was graced with his son Peyton. Though he'd tried to make it work with Em it ended catastrophically and they coparented from two different sides of the world. Or they had. Peyton had decided he wanted to live with his dad permanently a couple years ago and Park had welcomed it with open arms. As had my own children, who had befriended him when they were toddlers.
Somehow, though, watching Amaya squished between Trev and Peyton now as they played video games, I knew that at some point, probably when she'd blossomed before my eyes, that it had quickly shifted from a friendly crush to something more. I was just trying to figure out if the feelings were reciprocated before I sat down and talked to her about it.
"Hey." Parker fell into the chair beside me, popping the lid from the beer in his hand. "You good, Mi?"
"Just a mess of emotions right now." I sighed, eyes still on our kids.
He offered a drink, but I shook my head and my attention drifted to Chandler and Tanner out on the patio talking momentarily.
"I saw Max's post." he continued, "She's her spitting image. It's creepy. She's even wearing the same dress."
"I thought after seventeen years it wouldn't hurt as much." I confessed, finally meeting his concerned blues. "But it still hurts. A lot."
He took another drink from the bottle between his fingers before he met my eyes again. "It really does. Sometimes I just think. . . what would life with her still here have been like? Would you have ended up with Tan still? Would she and Nixon have worked it out? Where would I be in everyone's life?"
"You'd still be here. You'd still be you, Park." I assured, touching my palm to the top of his hand. "We all need you. That wouldn't have changed."
"Maybe." He shrugged. "Sometimes I just wish that it would have been me your brother lost his shit on? Or that the bullets would have taken me out."
I completely shifted my body in his direction and pried the beer from his grip and set it on the table.
"Stop. You don't get to say shit like that. I needed you Park. I still need you. You don't get to just be selfish." I nodded across the room to our kids. "You have a kid now too. He needs you."
"Or I'll just fuck him up like my parents did me." he answered bitterly. "Mia, I'm fucking exhausted. I'm tired of all of this. Em is driving me insane. Every time I'm over here and Tan's home I see the life I could have had with you. It hurts."
I leaned against his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him, and for a moment we were our kids age, Maya sitting on the other end of the table with a grin as she teased Parker.
"When does it start getting better? Easier?" he croaked miserably.
"When you find yourself again." I squeezed his shoulder. "You're going to be okay, Park. You know I'm here. Always. If you need to talk, if you just need a hug, anything. I'm not going anywhere."
He finally looked at me again, then shut his eyes and whispered. "I know."
**
I sat crossed legged on the grass, wrapping my arms around myself as I stared at the headstone. "Hey, Maya."
When I first started coming, I had felt like an idiot talking to a rock, but Park had explained to me that wherever she was, it was likely she was listening in, so I'd continued and pretended she was in front of me.
"Max and Mickey had their senior Prom tonight." I told her. "God, May, they look so much like you. Mickey especially. I got emotional and all the kids gave me crap for it."
I laughed through the tears. "I miss you. I. . . life has been good, just a bit of a rollercoaster with the kids all teens and in high school now. Park's in a deep depression and Tan offered to let him crash in the guest room for as long as he needs. I just wish there was more I could do. I know if you were here you'd find some way to cheer him up, to control all these little hellions."
I wiped the grass from my shoes and looked back to the fresh bouquet of roses in front of the headstone. "One day we'll be together again and Maya, I'm going to have so many stories to tell you."
I felt a cold hand fall against my shoulder and looked up to find Tanner, smiling sadly, "It's starting to rain, baby, we better get home. Trev just called. Said Max and Mick are back."
"Okay."
I allowed him to help me to my feet before letting out a sigh and touching the tip of my shoe to the stone. "I love you, May. I'll see you next weekend."
Tanner scooped me into his side and held the umbrella over our heads before kissing the top of my head and leading me out of the cemetery.
I waited until we were in the car to speak to him again. "Tan."
"Hmm?"
"Do you still miss your dad?"
He stiffed for a minute before he reached across the console and rested a hand on my thigh. "Yes. I find that I get more emotional and it aches more when I do something or see something that reminds me of him. But it doesn't hurt as much as it used to."
"Do you think we'll ever stop missing her?"
"No." he answered honestly. "You see her every time you look in the mirror, Mi. You see her every time you look at Mickey and Max, and Parker even. Because Maya was woven into our lives. She was in everything and she still is, that's why it's still hurting you and Park so much."
I rested my head against the window. "I miss her."
"We all do." he squeezed my thigh. "But Mom used to tell me something when I was a kid. She'd say that my dad was in everything. He was in the air I breathed, in the art I saw on the walls, he was in my heart. That's where Maya is too. She may not be here physically, baby, but she's still with us in every way she can be."
"And Parker?" I choked out. "Do you think he's going to be okay?"
Tanner sighed, but nodded. "Yeah. He's just going through some shit. You've known him his entire life, Mi. You know he'll get through it just like he always has."
I kept my eyes trained on the windshield, nodding and trying to soak in everything he'd said.
Catching my own reflection in the visor mirror, I smiled weakly, and shut it, looking toward my husband, then passed him out the window at where my sister's grave lay.
My best friend, my other half, my sister, until we meet again.