When I wake up it takes me a few seconds to remember I fell asleep in Carlos' room waiting for him. I have a vague memory that I woke up sometime during the night when he came to bed but I was beat, I couldn't stay awake any longer even if I wanted to.
Now it can't be later than 8 am taking the soft rays of the first hours of the sun getting through the half-closed blinds.
Turning around I notice the friction of something going against the mattress and looking down at my body I find a shirt I didn't have on when I fell asleep. Carlos must have put it on when he noticed I was only in my underwear. Underwear that I had practically run to my room to get when he told me to wait for him dressed in nothing else than that. Maybe I should have stayed awake. His promise did sound appealing...
It's when I hear his soft breathing that I finally snap away from my thoughts and look at him. He is sleeping on his stomach, one hand over his pillow next to his head and other over the mattress reaching in my direction. He was probably holding me before we unconsciously moved away from each other during the night.
When he is sleeping he looks so calm, at peace, every muscle of his body relaxed. I can't help but stare, taking him in. Because it's not only that he is handsome he is gorgeous. From his dark now messy waves to his long eyelashes that I know frame the most beautiful of eyes and to his full pink-ish lips. He is perfect, every single inch of him.
And he is mine... or at least I would like to think he is. We never really established what we are. But is it really necessary? I know I don't want anyone else but him.
"Hi." He whispers, his blue eyes looking better than ever with this light.
As cliche as it might sound I could get lost in them and never come back.
"Hey, how did you sleep?" I ask as he reaches for me and moves me back into his embrace.
"Amazing, thanks to you." He speaks against my hair.
"Glad to be of service." I smile even though he can't see me and hug him tighter, my hands unconsciously wandering to his back. When I'm with him I just want to be as close to him as possible, it's like my body craves him. "In more ways than one." I joke.
He doesn't reply but I feel him smiling (or at least I think I do) as I keep on running my hands through his strong back. I stop when I press my fingertips into his skin and notice the sudden change of texture.
His scars.
I haven't brought them up since I discovered them back on that session with Hunter, even though he didn't seem to care, or at least not about people seeing them he didn't seem eager to talk about them either so I let it go.
"A belt." He breaks the silence, answering the question he knows I have been meaning to ask for so long but have no courage to. "It wasn't often that he hit me, physical abuse wasn't really his thing but when he did he liked to leave a mark."
He doesn't have to explain or say anything else for me to understand he is talking about his father... and I'm not a violent person, I promise, but sometimes I wish I could do that man everything he did to Carlos and Matteo. They didn't deserve what they went through, he didn't deserve what he went through.
"I'm sorry. So sorry." I whisper getting away from my vengeful thoughts to try and be here for him.
I know what it's like to be abused by someone who is supposed to love you. Even if a partner is not the same as a father it still hurts. They are supposed to protect you from harm not cause it.
"It's okay, it kept my mom and Matteo safe. That's all I cared about." He replies with no hint of regret in his voice.
Everything he did he did to protect his family, no matter what that would mean for him. They always came first. As he said protecting them was the one thing he knew how to do... and I only wish he understood there's so much more to him than that. He matters as much as they do.
Moving away from his embrace so I can look at him I dare to speak. "You are a good person Carlos, an amazing brother, and son. And you deserved someone to look out for you the way you look out for people. I hope you know that." I felt the need to tell him hoping someday he would be able to believe it.
He stares at me, and in his eyes, I see something I haven't seen before, something pure and genuine. I try to figure out what it means exactly, to get to the bottom of it but it's gone in an instant, that unknown emotion flashes as quickly as lightning on a stormy night.
And then, when his mouth opens, giving away he has something to say I wait, hoping for a reply to my statement. An acknowledgment that he knows he matters as much as everybody else.
"Your skin looks like honey under this light. I can't keep my eyes away from you." He mutters softly ignoring what I just said.
And my heart breaks for him, he still doesn't believe me but it's okay because if he doesn't now, eventually he will. I will remind him every day of what a good man he is if necessary. Though for today I let it be.
"Thank you, yours too." I smile placing my hand over his cheek and caressing it gently. The beginning of a stubble poking my fingers just so slightly. "Though the best thing is your eyes. The blue looks totally different under this light, so cold yet so warm at the same time... it's hard to put it into words." I smile softly at his slightly confused look.
I can't really explain it but his eyes are special. They are usually a deep shade of blue...like the sea far away from shore but sometimes when a certain kind of light hits them they look warm and welcoming, so calm you feel the need to dive in and never swim up again. It's as if the rays of sun were his sand underneath the surface.
"Yours also look different, lighter, like fallen leaves in the middle of autumn. They look so much like your mother's." He places his hand over the side of my neck.
"My dad always told me that my eyes are exactly like hers. That he sees me in her. At first, it was painful but then I understood how much it actually means. I'm keeping a part of her alive meaning that as long as I'm here she will never be truly gone." I say surprised that I'm talking about my mother so openly.
"That's a beautiful way of thinking." He replies genuinely. "Matteo's eyes... well actually of all of him is exactly like my mother. He is the man version of her, his hair, nose, mouth. Sometimes when I look at him it feels as if she is still here. I wish I had something of her in me too."
"You have it, Carlos, you may not look like her physically but you definitely have your mother's heart and at the end of the day that's what truly matters." The inside of a person should be the one thing we all cared about.
"Maybe." That's all he says but it's better than denying it so I take it. "You know? You always have the right thing to say, it's like a superpower." He smiles.
"That part is all my dad's. He also has a way with words." I admit.
"No, it's yours. Don't underestimate yourself. He may have taught you some of it but this is who you are." He doesn't stop smiling and my whole body feels giddy, his smile holds way too much power. "And there's still so much I don't know. Tell me more about you." He says taking me by surprise.
"More about me?" I didn't expect this morning to go like this.
"Yes, tell me something I don't know. I have known you since you were born, I watched you grow up, I knew everything about you from my mother's words but not from yours, there's so much stuff I don't know, and now I have the opportunity to do so." He sounds genuine like he truly wants to know me. The actual me.
And he is right, we practically grew up together at least for a while, with our mothers telling us stories of one another, I was just a kid but I knew everything about him and Matteo even if we truly never spoke. We met a bunch of times but I was a kid and they were teens. Funny how we were always so close yet so far.
"I actually have something you might find surprising, funny even," I admit thinking back to a conversation with my dad. "My dad reminded me of it a few weeks ago."
"Tell me." He says curiously.
"Apparently you were my first crush." I smile amusingly.
"I was?" He seems surprised for some reason.
"You were, obviously I don't remember I was like five or something. But my dad told me that every time you and your brother visited I got so nervous. Then he noticed that I would talk with Matteo but never with you and he thought that maybe I was scared but then my mother told him I was clearly in love with you." I laugh softly.
As any person with working eyes, I had always been aware of how attractive the brothers are. And though if in this case what I had wasn't more than a harmless crush I forgot about I won't lie saying Carlos hadn't always struck my attention because he definitely had. But to be fair, who wouldn't fall at his feet? Just take a look at him.
"Wait, I remember now, I always thought you didn't like me, Matteo used to joke about how you gave the cold shoulder." He tells me laughing too.
"Well it was the other way around, you had the five-year-old me totally infatuated." I joke smiling big.
And he also has me now...
"And who would have thought that twenty years later I would have the twenty-five-year-old you infatuated too." He smirks proudly reading my mind.
"You think I'm infatuated? Because I think it's you, mister." I joke putting my hand over his chest playfully.
"Oh, I definitely am." He replies seriously and I swear I can hear my heart bursting inside my chest.
Did he really just admit that? Is this part of the joke or he means it? If he does what am I supposed to say now? God, what's happening to me? What is he doing to me?
"We should like... get up and have breakfast or something." I smile shyly moving away from him and sitting up on the bed.
Yeah not my best moment, he admits something as big as that and I freak out?
"You okay? Did I say something I wasn't supposed to say or?" He sits up too and I look at him noticing his worried face.
"No no, I- I just didn't expect you to say that, it took me off guard it's silly really. I'm sorry." I smile not wanting to make him feel guilty when the only thing to blame is my overthinking ass.
"Okay... maybe you could teach me how to make pancakes and we can continue our conversation. There's also some stuff you should know about." He smiles too letting the awkward moment pass as if nothing ever happened.
"Sounds great, I will get the things ready," I tell him going towards the door. "Blueberry pancakes or chocolate chip?"
"Chocolate chip." He replies as if it's obvious.
"Good choice." I smile before getting out of the room.
I need to get myself together after that confession.
Author's note
As always if you are here ty for reading and don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!
Thought I will give you all a calm slightly sad slightly happy chapter before all the drama. Get ready.
Carlos practically admitted he has fallen hard so make your bets kids how long till they admit they love each other and who would say it first?
Ly all,
Maria