One. Two. Three. Breathe.
One. Two. Three. Breathe.
Count the laces.
Count the knuckles.
Count the numbers.
One. Two. Three.
I'm trying.
Ignore the thoughts.
Ignore the intrusions.
I'm trying. But, God.
One. Two. Three.
Counting. Counting.
Thinking.
Breathing.
Living.
Sometimes it gets too hard.
Sometimes, my brain doesn't slow but my body does.
My brain works faster than my body ever could. But, I promise, I'm trying. I've always been trying.
I'm trying. I swear. I am.
My body was hyperventilating. My heart couldn't stop. My brain wouldn't stop.
I sat in front of my door, holding myself. Sometimes the pressure feels nice around the heart.
Then, there was a knock at the door.
"Eva, are you in there?" It was Ona. I could hear the trembles in her voice. I had just arrived back in Manchester, and I was trying, ever so hard, to get in my car and go find Ona. "Eva, please." I leant up, unlocking the door. Ona pushed it open, coming inside to find me on the ground.
"Hey," she said, softly, coming down to kneel beside me. "Hey, hey." She wiped the tears off my eyes.
"Ona..."
"It's okay. It's okay." She unwrapped my arms from my chest, bringing me closer towards her. She held me, ever so tight, helping the pain in my heart, and hurt in my head.
"I'm sor-"
"Don't," Ona said, cutting me off. "It's okay."
"I feel- just- I can't-" But I couldn't continue, instead, I felt the warmth of Ona's love surround me, and we stayed there, for a time I didn't know how long.
I fell asleep, at some point, ending up on the couch, my head against Ona's chest.
"I didn't know if you'd care that I came back," I said softly, under my breath. I felt Ona shift slightly once she heard I was awake.
"Of course I cared," she said, matter-of-factly. "I was confused, Eva. Quite confused. What happened?"
"I don't know," I responded.
"Eva, will it happen again?" she then asked.
"I'm not sure," I replied, honestly. I hoped, more than anything, that it wouldn't, but I knew I couldn't promise anything. I had to be honest. I had to be raw, otherwise, it would be a detriment, for both me and Ona.
"Okay," Ona answered, not moving, but something shifting in her voice. "It's okay."
After a few hours, Ona left, heading back to Millie, Ella and Alessia's apartment, as she had been crashing with them for the past few days, not wanting to be in the apartment by herself. Ella and Alessia had been at Camp, and Millie said she could stay there. But now, they were back, but she still went anyway. She thought it was better for me to have a night by myself. She didn't want to crowd me, and even though I wanted her to stay, I was too scared to ask. I didn't want to be annoying, or needy.
I showered, and got into bed. I could tell the sheets were clean. Ona must've cleaned them while I was away... so she was here.
I stared at the ceiling, my mind only thinking about one thing: her.
I had to start pulling myself together, as I was going back to training soon. We were starting the next part of our season. The important part. Here we would be coming across the Conti Cup final, in which we were to face Chelsea. I had to pull myself together before that. It was important; I knew that.
But I couldn't sleep. I tried. I really did.
But I knew I wouldn't be able to unless I did what I had to do; I had to speak to her. I had to see her.
I got into my car, driving across Manchester to where ALessia, Millie and Ella live, all of whom I have hardly said two words to. I was about to show up to their house, announced, ready to get Ona back. I had no plan. There was no organised schedule in my head as to how this may go. But I was running off luck. Running off fate.
As I turned up to the house Ona said she was staying in, I double thought about what I was about to do.
Am I really going to do this?
Is this smart?
Will this actually even help?
One. Two. Three. Breathe.
One. Two. Three. Fucking breathe.
I got out of the car, walking up to the door. I knocked twice, trying to get as much luck as I possibly could. I saw the lights turn on upstairs, and I heard someone walk down.
"Eva?" the English voice said to me.
"Is Ona here?" I asked her.
"Yeah, is everything okay?" Alessia asked me.
"I need to see her. Is that okay?"
"Sure, sure," Alessia replied. "I'll go grab her."
I waited for a few minutes, still outside, not wanting to go inside.
"Eva?" Ona said. "What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep," I replied.
"Eva, come in."
"No," I said. "I have to say this. Just- um- right so I'm here. I'm here, standing in the doorway of this house, wanting to just tell you something. Wanting to just say that, um, this, right here Ona, this is me trying. This is me trying to be good. This is me trying to be better. I- I don't know how to do things: I don't know how to love, or be loved, and I just- I love you. So fucking much Ona Batlle. But, I'm not sure how to live with that. I'm not sure how to let you love me.
"I'm trying so hard, Ona. I'm trying with every inch of my body. And I know I'm not doing it right. I know I'm not loving you right. But, Ona, at least I'm trying... right?"
At least I was trying... right?
note:
- if you lot can find all the references to swiftie's song, i will be hella impressed ;)
- anyways, a lil chapter for u lot n hope u enjoy xx