My heart is broken, and my soul is empty.
Not only was Harry the father of my baby, Rose, but also the father of his children with Zara. Those children won't be making anymore memories with their Father.
He will only be a long forgotten memory once his children grow, experience life and eventually making their own families.
Rose will never meet her Father nor will she ever create a single memory with him.
I spent a few days in the apartment awaiting the end-of-contract NDA to turn up from my secret admirer so I can quit, go home briefly for my parents to meet their first grand daughter and hopefully get over the shock of me, "Perfect Addy" coming home a single, unwed mother.
I applied to a University in Queensland to get my teaching degree.
I plan on moving up there in the next three months so that I can enrol in the next semester.
I know Mum, Dad and all my siblings won't want me to go but it's something I must do, forging a journey down my own path.
Anne has been here with me and has noticed the extreme change of mood. And of course the media exploited Harry's death for as long as they could.
Harry has been listed as "missing at sea, no body found" and I'm certain Anne has guessed that's what I'm upset over.
Arthur stopped by today, too. I spent time with him and allowed him to hold and play with Rose.
I know if I say something about Rose's Father having passed on that Arthur will put the pieces together and my NDA prevents me from giving details.
I must have sighed audibly as Arthur questioned me.
"Are you okay, Addy? You seem withdrawn and sad."
I couldn't think of a plausible reason straight away. My heart, now made of stone, dropped into my stomach and refused to move.
"I'm moving out of here soon and will likely need to stay back at home for a few weeks. I understand that Mum and Dad will be disappointed in me and I can't help that.. but, I've been accepted to the University of Queensland to gain my teaching degree on a full scholarship. I will struggle through the four year degree." I explained in a low voice.
Both Arthur and Anne looked at me with such sympathy and empathy that I was emotionally overwhelmed and in need of a hug. Anne seemed to intuitively know this and walked over to hug me closely and hold me tight.
It's going to be so difficult to get through the next few weeks. I'm grieving, emotional, hormonal and incredibly sad. I have his child to raise and so many consequences to the actions I've done on behalf of the government.
Anne holds me close and hot salty tears running down my face onto the shoulder of Anne's shirt.
Arthur sat in front of us with Rose nestled in his arms gently. He looked like he understood how I've been feeling. With Rose in his arms, he moved towards Anne and I, passed Rose to Anne before hugging me tightly and kissing my forehead.
"I want to move with you to Queensland, Addy. I don't want to leave you go through this alone. You're my little sister and you now have my niece. I want to help you both as much as I can. What do you think, Addy?"
Blessed and thankful. I can't be anything else right now. My family is beautifully amazing and my heart is full.
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The move back into Mum and Dad's house was nerve wracking.
Anne and Arthur made sure to pack my apartment up and move it over. But the baby items were left til last and I didn't actually show my face there until I was able to walk in and place Rose in her bassinet.
This happened to occur just before dinner, so Rose and I walked in the door to my entire family surrounding the dining room table.
Anne, Arthur, Grace, Terry Mum and Dad all looked at me with wide eyes. Arthur and Anne had to pretend they didn't know anything.
My Mum's jaw seemed to open, close, open and close without her being able to say a word.
My Dad went white and of course the first question he asked was, "Addy, is he going to help? Or do I need to get my gun?"
I couldn't help but let my smile slip off my face.
My entire family stared on ad I stared at my feet and said, "He's passed on, Dad. No longer on this earth. I wish he was still here." A few tears slipped down my cheeks, making my Dad cup my face gently.
"Oh, Addy. That's incredibly sad. I'm sorry to hear it. I'm also excited you chose to come back. This is our grand baby!" Dad said
Everyone smiled and started clamouring over Rose.
"She's so adorable Addy!"
"What's her name?"
"How old is she?"
"Congratulations!"
These words flowed over me and I was hit with a sense of unconditional love.
I laugh as I try to answer all their questions.
"Thank you. Rose. Three months and thank you!"
"What is your plan from here?" Mum asked while holding my baby.
"I've actually been accepted into Queensland University on a full scholarship so I can learn to become a teacher." I explained quite shyly, not knowing how they would all react.
"Really, Addy? That's amazing news! Good on you!" My Dad said as he swept me into a hug.
"I love you, Addy. You are a strong, intelligent young woman and we trust you and the decisions you make."
It was in that moment that I realised that yes, I may be sad and grieving Harry, but his memory will live on in Rose and I really can do this. Attend university and learn.
I'm incredibly excited.
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Mum and Dad helped Arthur and I locate a small two bedroom apartment for the three of us to live in.
They helped us pack, move and unpack and ensure we are settled in well.
I began attending classes around a month ago, and a young man, James, who wished to court me, woo me and make me his girlfriend.
I've had to be honest about Rose, (I refuse to hide my baby from anyone) and my prior relationship and his death.
James seems like a nice young man who has my feelings at heart. He also gets along with my brother which bodes well for him, too.
James has already introduced me to his parents and they don't seem to mind the fact that I am an unwed single mother.
James has made some pretty clear declarations of his feelings.
I hope he marries me and becomes an involved parent. I want him to help me raise my daughter and any other children we may have together need to all be treated equally.
I think I may end up marrying this man.