Trust cant live in the same space as secrets and lies
unknown
***
"Declan slow down!" I called as I chased after him walking into the house. He stormed all the way up the stairs about three steps ahead of me.
He didn't respond to me. He didn't speak at all, actually. It was just him on a mission and me chasing after him. The entire car ride here was silent, but that was mostly my fault. He didn't particularly try to talk to me, but I didn't initiate conversation either. My mind was somewhere else.
It's a weird feeling to be grieving the loss of something you didn't realize upset you. Maybe this is why he was so upset. Could he by some miracle be able to read my mind? To know that I was upset about walking away from Callum?
It wasn't that I didn't want to leave with Declan. It's just that seeing Callum be hurt over the fact that I didn't want him anymore touched something in me--some kind of pain--that I didn't realize existed still. It was odd, and I didn't understand it, but I guess that's a side effect of not understanding any of your emotions. Which is also a side effect of being fucked up.
When we made it to our bedroom he put the code in and swung the door open, so far that it swung itself closed after I walked through it. "Declan, what is your deal?"
"Him!" He yells. "He fucking thinks he can just come back and take you? And you seemed off and upset and I don't fucking know if it's because you were pissed too, but it seemed a lot like you were upset to be leaving Callum at that bar and that pissed me off too and-"
"Calm the fuck down!" I yelled. "You need to speak to me like a regular fucking person if you want me to talk to you about fucking anything."
"Fuck!" He screams, spinning around on his heel and punching the wall. The noise that seems to echo through the room at the sound of his fist colliding with the wall is enough to make me flinch. I didn't expect him to do something like that. I don't know that I've ever seen him this pissed off.
"You're mine," He almost whispers. "Fucking mine."
"Declan," I say, taking cautious steps toward him. My hand meets his back and he presses his palm against the wall and lets his head hang between his shoulders. "It's okay, baby."
"Stop." He pulled away from me. "You-" He stops completely when his eyes meet mine. I watch a tear fall down his face. "You were upset, Valerie. I could see it in your fucking eyes."
I don't respond, because I don't want to lie to him. I just stand there staring at him and the tears falling down his face.
"Is it him you want?" He says the words with pain filling his voice. I've never heard something like that before from him. It breaks me.
"No." I answer. "It's not. I want you. Nothing will change that."
"Valerie, I don't-" He's cut off again. His eyes start to search my face for answers. Answers I don't want to give. "I don't believe you."
Now I'm the one that's hurt. His words hit me in a way that kills me, almost. I don't know how to take them. I try to hold back the tears that want to come gushing out of my eyes. "Declan." I take a step forward, he takes a step back.
"What the fuck." I say. "You actually don't believe me?"
"I saw the way you looked at him, Valerie. I'm not a dumbass." He says. "If you think I'm holding you back, I'm not. Go be with him, I just don't want you to keep telling me you want me if you want to be somewhere else."
"Declan, you're fucking crazy!" I'm yelling now. "I've never wanted him more than you--fuck--I've never wanted anybody more than I fucking want you. I'm so in love with you it's insane! The fact that you think I'd want to be with someone else over you is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth!"
"Valerie-"
"I fucking love you!" I scream, there's so much anger and sadness inside me and nowhere for it to go. My hands shoot up and grip the front of my hair into fist fulls. "I love you! I love you! I fucking love you!"
Then my fist meets the wall next to the hole Declan left there. But I don't stop with one hit. I keep hitting the drywall. One after the other the hole gets bigger and cuts form on my hands. "I fucking love you!"
"Valerie, stop." Declan's arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me away from the wall and I fall into him. With tears streaming down my face, Declan holds me.
"I love you." I say again, through sobs.
"I know." He says. "I'm sorry."
We both cry in each other's arms. I can't help but think how fucked up this situation is. I don't know what the hell happened to me, but I seem to have lost all my strength when it comes to him. Knowing if something ever happened to him, I'd be done. There wouldn't be a chance for me to come back either. He is my life now, and nothing could change that.
***
"Valerie!" I hear behind me and I spin on my heel. It was about 6 in the morning and I couldn't sleep anymore. Declan was upstairs, out like a light, while I was on my way to the kitchen in search of some snacks.
"Oh, hey Lore." I said, "Why are you awake right now?"
"I could ask you the same thing." She smiles. "Come here, I have a recipe to help sleep."
I follow her into the kitchen and watch her open cabinets and pull out spices and a tea strainer. I find myself leaning against the counter while she gets to work, boiling the water for tea.
"How are you, darling? I feel like I never see you anymore?" She asks, and I sigh in response. She's right, we never talk anymore because I only feel comfortable in my room during the day, or I'm sleeping to make up for the lack of sleep that I'd gotten during the night, or I'm crying. My life seems to be quite a mess lately.
"I know, I'm sorry...I've been...shit." I say, my eyes meeting the floor. "This whole thing with Nolan and Callum has been mentally exhausting. Not to mention the fact that I never ever seem to get sleep anymore, and there's just so much going on it's insane."
"Aww, I'm sorry, dear." She says, a sympathetic smile on her face. It's almost as though I see tears form in the corner of her eyes and they drop back down to the pot of water in front of her.
"I feel like I'm fucking insane, sometimes," I tell her, honestly.
"You're not a monster, Valerie. Regardless of what Nolan says." She tells me, and it takes a minute for the words to register. My brows sinch together when they finally sink in.
"What?" I ask her, lifting my gaze from the floor to meet hers.
"The first time you ran into him in public? In the bathrooms, when you called him a monster he said so are you." She continues. "I was just making sure you understand you're not a monster. Not even close to that."
I nod, my facial muscles relaxing on the outside, but on the inside my body is still freaking the fuck out. "I'm gonna head back to bed, I'll--uhm--I'll see you tomorrow."
"Alright, goodnight, lovie." She says with a smile as I walk out of the kitchen.
I never told Lore what Nolan said in the bathroom.
I never told fucking anybody what Nolan said in the bathroom.
A/N
Hello, my little hooligans. I've risen from the dead.
I know this is a short chapter and I apologize for it, but I should have another one out if not today, this weekend.
I also want to apologize for being dead for quite some time. I've been busy the last few weeks and the free time that I have had has led me to an incredible amount of writer's block but I'm here today, and I've managed to update you guys with this short chapter and am able to say that there WILL be more coming soon.
Thank you for being so patient with me.
Love you all to pieces
November Clark