Tw sh
2 days passed hotch gave us the whole week of. We were both getting better but still a little sick.
I got in the shower and turned on my music.
Can I wish on a star for another life?
'Cause it feels like I'm all on my own tonight
And I find myself in pieces
There are pills on the table and a thought in my head
And I walk through the halls where I used to be led
My heart is filled with reasons
I'm tryin' to be somebody else
I'm findin' it hard to love myself
I've wanted to be somebody new
But that is impossible to do
I'm runnin' out of my mind
Is this really my life?
I'm runnin' out of time
Is this really my life? My life
I could run from it all but I'd only get lost
Oh, I've walked on the bridge that I shouldn't have crossed
And I find myself, a user
Oh, I wake every day with addictions to feed
They all call me a friend but I'll never be freed
From the face of a faithless future
I'm tryin' to be somebody else
I'm findin' it hard to love myself
I've wanted to be somebody new
But that is impossible to do
I'm runnin' out of my mind
Is this really my life?
I'm runnin' out of time
Is this really my life? My life
These years pass by and we're growin' older
And I think of you, all we've made it through
Some have passed away, some have moved on
But I'm still here today (I'm here today)
These years pass by and I'm growin' older
And I think of you, and all we've made it through
Some have passed away, there's no words to say
No second tries, is this my life?
And I think of you
I'm runnin' out of my mind
Is this really my life?
I'm runnin' out of time
Is this really my life? My life
Singing made me feel better. Idk it just had this power over me. I can put my feelings into words.
I walk out and get dressed. I get out of the bathroom and see em on the couch.
"Do you mean what you sing? I noticed you pour your heart out in those kind of songs" she asked.
"Sometimes songs can explain how I feel ye. Idk why but it helps me"
Emily looked worried at me.
I walk up the her and take out my phone.
I scroll on it when I get called.
"Who is it?" Emily asked.
"Carlos"
I pick it up.
"Heeyyyy...bro" I say kinda awkward. I haven't spoken with my brothers in awhile.
"You have been out of the mental hospital for 3 months now. Penelope said that you promised you would call or visit. The wolf pack is not happy"
"Wolf pack?" Em looked confused.
"It's what we call my other brothers. They are alot older then us and way to protective"
I wisper to her.
"Ye I'm so sorry Carlos. But eem how's life?" I scratch the back of my head not wanting this conversation to turn on me.
"Serena is great"
"His wife" I mouth to emily who could hear the whole conversation.
"We are still waiting for the adoption agency to reach out" Carlos and Serena we planning to adopt.
(Serena is not a real caracter, there isn't much info in the garcia bothers. Only a bit on Carlos. I don't even know who the oldest is bc the series never mentioned p's other brothers)
"But I called to asked about you"
"I'm better" em looked at me, knowing I was lying especially after that song I just sang.
But i wasn't going to tell him I was still struggling.
"Kinda sucks to have to hear everything through p. Like the fact that your bi? And that eva was your girlfriend?"
I wasn't sure if he knew. But he does.
"I'm sorry Carlos"
"I'm your big little brother y/n. Talk to me"
I was always closer with p and Carlos bc we were closer in age.
I didn't want emily to hear what I had to say. So I spoke in Spanish.
"Estoy mejor pero lucho. Tengo una nueva novia y la quiero mucho. pero se siente raro que estoy con alguien que no es eva. y constantemente siento que no soy lo suficientemente bueno para ella."
(Sorry if it's bad)
Translation:
im better but i do struggle. i have a new girlfriend and i love her so much. but it feels weird that im with someone who isnt eva. and im constantly feeling like im not good enough for her.
"t/n créeme. eres una persona increíble y una hermana pequeña aún mejor. mereces seguir adelante. tu hermosa y digna. no te castigues mucho" he reposonded
Translation:
y/n belief me. your an amazing person and an even better little sister. you deserve to move on.
your beautiful and worthy. don't beat yourself up to much.
"Eres un gran hermano, te amo. y lamento no haberte contactado"
I responded
Translate:
you're a great brother, i love you. and i'm sorry i didn't contact you.
"yo también te amo, mi dulce hermanita"
Translate:
i love you too, my sweet little sister.
We continued talking for abit to catch up on everyting . Eventually The call ended and I look back at emily.
"creo que olvidaste que hablo español" she said looking at me.
Translation:
i think you forgot i speak Spanish
"Mierda"
I said looking away.
I just told my brother I love her. We've been dating less than a week.
"Yk I agree with everything he said" she said when she got up.
She made me some soup. And I tried my best to eat it.
We turned on the national news. When jj appeared, talking about an unsub.
I noticed how emily looks at her and thought fill my head. Once jj disappeared from our screen I look back at em.
"Could you maybe get some groceries? I'll cook tonight " she agreed. Got dressed and left.
The second I was sure she was really gone i take out my kit from my bag and run in the bathroom.
I slide down my pants and cut into my legs. My brain is filled with ugly thoughts. Comparing myself with jj.
One slice after another.
There goes my 4 months clean
I slice and slice until the thoughts calm down. I wrapped my legs up and put my kit away again.
I step on the scale to see if I have lost weight.
Only 3 kg since 2 weeks ago
Emily has been watching me when I eat so I'm eating more calories again.
But I need a way to lose weight.
Em got back and I make her some pasta and me just a sandwich.
She looks at me but i try to ignore it.
I just finished my salad and my thighs are hurting everytime I move my legs or when my pants touch the cuts.
It Hurst but I kinda like it. My eyes get teary tho so I try to hide my face.
After finishing our food em lays her head on my legs.
Making them hurt even more.
"Are you okay?" She turned her head around making it hurt evenmore.
"Ye the movie is just sad"
"We are litterly watching frozen" she said as she got up.
"What, the scene were else runs away and then when Ana froze and elsa cries is really sad." I try to cover up
"Spoilers?! I haven't even seen that part yet how do you cry about it already " she said kinda pissed I spoiled it for her.
"I just know it's coming"
She stops the movie.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Putting on something els bc the movie is ruined now"
I feel bad now. I lied to em and I ruined the movie.
My anxiety flares up and I play with ny fingers. Look outside the window, feeling guilty.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean-" em tried to speak but I interrupted.
"Don't be sorry, you can't know when my anxiety builds up" I take another pill and try to get over it.
She snuggled with me and we ended up watching a marvel movie.
Emily fel asleep in my arms and I just had to take a picture.
I scroll through my phone and changed my home screen to this picture.
The little dimpels are too cute