I lay in my bed. My phone was buzzing, and my heart was pounding. I felt my chest rise and fall. Rise and fall. Rise and fall. Tears were no longer streaming down my face, but my cheeks were still red from the previous few hours.
Mamma and Pappa didn't know what was happening. I didn't tell them much. How could I? I felt like a failure. I had failed myself. I had failed Ona. I had failed everyone. All I wanted was to be the person they wanted me to be and want the things they all wanted me to want, but it was getting too much. It was getting all too hard.
The following day, I still hadn't got out of bed. I was scared that if I did, I would fall down something even worse than I was in right now. The fears were intruding so far deep into my brain. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't do it.
Just as I was about to reach over to the sleeping pills that were beside my bed, there was a knock at my door.
"Evy?" I heard a voice call out. I knew who it was. I wasn't sure whether to be happy, or scared.
"Come in, Ingri," I said to my best friend, who stood on the other side of the door. She came inside, looking at me in the bed. I was a mess. I knew that. My hair was matted, and I hadn't got out of my pyjamas in days. But I knew she wouldn't care about that. Ingrid never did.
She sat on my bed, looking at me with a glimpse of sadness in her eyes.
"Hey," she said, looking at me.
"Hi," I responded.
Ingrid's POV
13th February 2023
I wasn't going to be going to the international break. I had injured myself in one of the recent games, which was frustrating, but I knew it was nothing serious. I was glad it was nothing serious. This meant I could focus on my recovery during the international break and be ready for when the Barca games started back up again. I hadn't gotten around to telling my friends (Eva, Guro, Frida) about the injury yet but I assumed it would be fairly obvious when the team list came out.
I lay in my bed, with Mapi beside me, when her phone rang. It was Ona.
"Hola," Mapi said, into the phone.
"Ingrid?!" she called out, not even recognising Mapi who sat in front of her.
"Yeah?" I asked, taking the phone from Mapi.
"Have you heard from Eva?" She sounded worried. Quite worried. But, from my experience, I was just surprised that this hadn't happened sooner.
When Eva and I first became friends, we were both young. We were young players trying to do things with our lives. I was trying to make a name for myself, like most young players want to, in the football world. Whereas, that scared Eva. She was scared to become someone great, even though everyone knew she could and she would.
Eva had gone off the grid quite a few times. During summer, she would often isolate in Trondheim, not seeing anyone, including myself, for months at a time. During Christmas break, she would go home, and not go on social media at all.
And the few times it had happened during the season, it was always written off as an injury. But, Guro and I, we both knew that it was never an injury. It wasn't a physical one at least.
Eva has taught me a lot, in our many years of being friends. She has taught me more than I ever imagined one person could teach another. She didn't do it on purpose, but by just being herself, she has changed the way I see people. I understand now that the brain is so important in our wellbeing. The way our minds work can change the entire course of our lives. And for her, it really has. Her brain dictates so much, even if she doesn't want it to. Even if she tries her best for it not to. It does. And that won't and probably never will change.
"Yeah, I have," I said to Ona, over the phone.
"Thank god," Ona replied, sighing. "Is she okay? Where is she?"
"I'm going to see her tomorrow," I quickly said, knowing that I had to go find her, even though I was pretty sure that I already knew.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh ok." I felt bad doing this to Ona. Ona was everything that Eva needed, except, this was something that could ruin them. It could break them. I didn't want either of them to have to deal with the consequences of that. And, I'm certain that if Eva did want her there, she would've told her.
After I finished speaking to Ona, we hung up, and Mapi turned towards me.
"¿Donde esta ella?" Mapi asked, questioning where Eva was.
"Home."
The next morning, I left Barcelona, putting my rehab on hold, to go to Trondheim. I hadn't been to Trondheim in years, and it was a place of many good memories. Of many good experiences. But, that wasn't why I was there. I wasn't there to relish in those memories, but rather find my best friend.
I arrived at Eva's house, and her Mamma was there to greet me.
"Ingrid?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"
"Is Eva here?" I asked.
"She is. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." I said this quickly, before brushing past her to head upstairs. Eva's door was closed so I knocked.
"Evy?" I called out.
"Come in, Ingri," she called out, and I sighed a sigh of relief, before walking inside.
"Hey," I said to her, as I saw her looking just as I expected her to look: tired and over life.
"Hi," she responded.
Eva's POV
"Did Ona call you?" I asked her.
"She did," Ingrid responded.
"I'm sorry," I then said.
"Why are you saying sorry?"
"For putting you in a shitty position."
"It's okay, Evy."
"It's not okay."
"But-"
"No," I said, firmly. "I don't even know what came over me."
"What happened?"
"Everything was fine, and then suddenly, it wasn't so fine. Suddenly I felt like I was drowning, and there was no escape."
"How do you feel now?"
"As if there is a gaping hole in my heart but there is no way to fix it, or change it. Everything's turned to shit." Ingrid looked at me, and I knew she wanted to reach over and hug me, but we both understood that was the thing I would've wanted the least at that moment.
"What do you need?" Ingrid then asked.
"I don't know."
"Do you need time off? From City as well as national team?"
"Maybe, I'm not sure."
"Evy..." Ingrid soon said.
"I know, I know," I answered, running my hands through my hair. "I'm a fucking mess."
"You're not a mess," Ingrid replied. "You just need to get out of this god damn bed, and have a shower. You stink." I laughed as she said this, before nodding my head. I got out of the bed, and walked to the bathroom, turning the tap on, and brushing my hair.
As I showered, I heard Ingrid on the phone. I wasn't sure who she was talking to, but probably updating someone or other about the current situation. I was both hoping and not that it would be Ona. It had only been a few days, and I already regretted what had happened and missed her so much. But how were things going to change?
After I had showered, Ingrid and I got our shoes back on, and went outside. We walked into town, mostly in silence, before she started speaking.
"She was worried about you," Ingrid said.
"Ona?"
"Yeah. She called Hayley, and Ellie, and then Mapi, and no one knew where you were."
"What did you say?" I asked.
"I said I knew where you were."
"But you didn't?" I questioned.
"Ev, you are pretty predictable. Especially for me." I laughed softly.
"I guess."
"Evy, I know this is hard for you. I know you don't want to do this, or want to be here, so fight back. Fight back against this brain of yours."
"It's easier said than done," I replied.
"Explain it to me then," she pleaded.
"I want, more than anything, Ingri, to be with Ona, in Manchester, right now. That's what I want. I want it more than life. But, I just- I just- it can't happen. My brain, it just- I can't explain it."
"Try." I looked at Ingrid and there was a sort of sadness in her eyes that made me want to. That made me want to give her what she wanted.
"You know how I can't step on cracks, or dry plates, or play a game of football without counting my laces? It's as if I am compelled into doing them. It's not a choice, it's a 'have to'. Throughout the entire time with Ona, it still wasn't a choice. My brain didn't let me love her, I just knew I did. My brain was drawn to Ona, and my heart, and my mind. But as Ona and I approach now, a time, where we have to choose, or she has to choose, I just don't know if my brain can handle that. We have to choose whether to stay in one city together, but play for two separate teams, or to leave, and maybe play for a Barca or a Lyon. But if we do that, how do I know those teams want me for me? How do I know they don't just want me cause they will get Ona?" I knew I had been rambling, but Ingrid had listened the entire time.
"Have you told Ona these worries?"
"No."
"Do you want to move?"
"I don't know?"
"Do you want to stay in Manchester?"
"Again, I don't know."
"Is anything final yet?"
"No."
"Has any contracts been signed?"
"No."
"So, is there any point worrying now, Evy?"
"No."
"Remember, Evy, control the controllable. Nothing more. Nothing less." Ingrid did what I needed her to. She broke it down, into tiny sections, for me to separate my thought process. She did what I needed, and I was grateful to her for that.
We stayed in Trondheim for a few more days, before Ingrid had to be back in Barcelona to start her rehab for a minor injury.
I knew that once I got back to Manchester, everything would be different. I just didn't realise how different.
note:
- well... i kinda just felt like writing for eva
- i will probs release a few chapters every few weeks for this story while doing the other more regularly as more info comes out :))
- also two chapters, one day, you all are welcome.