Tw ed
I got changed into my pj's to make myself more comfortable.
I orderd the food. And we put on a movie.
Ocean's 8
When the food arrived I opend the door.
I got a bottle of wine and sat down.
Once again emily kept looking at me.
"What now?" I asked.
"You orderd a salad. You only get salads on bad days. And your getting wine? You didn't want to drink alcohol bc of your medication."
I sat down and gave her her food and a glass of wine.
"1. Stop profiling me. 2. I'm allowed to eat a salad even if it's not a bad day and even if it was I don't need to tell you that everytime. And lastly I'm allowed to drink alcohol I just choose not to. But today I feel like it"
I don't want her to see that I'm still struggling. After pshycward I was supposed to have a fresh start. But it doesn't feel like it.
Everyday I still struggle with deppresion, I have to fight it and go out in the sun once I feel bad so I don't get swallowed whole.
I just take a sip of the wine and try to eat my salad. But everytime I do I see numbers for my eyes.
I see the calories and my weight and then I see jj. Her perfect body, the body emily likes. The body I want.
I get lost in my thoughts and I decided to go to the bathroom.
I run some water and splash it on my face.
Emily was standing in the doorway looking at me.
Don't cry don't cry!
"Great first day as your girlfriend " I say laughing awkwardly.
"You don't have to talk to me. But pls talk to someone. Call Spencer or your therapist but pls don't get stuck in your own head" she walked up and starts rubbing my back.
"I'm really hot" I take of my sweater standing in my bra.
Emily takes a cloth and put its under the water and rubs my back with it.
"Does that help?"
"I-I. Idk I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm suffocating myself "
"Shh calm down. Look at me "
I slied down to the cold floor.
"What do I need to do?"
She asked.
"Just do what your already doing "
She was so kind and sat down next to me continued to rub my body with the wet cloth.
Somehow i feel so exposed. She already saw the scars on my arms. But I still fell so uncomfortable.
She rubs the cloth of my scars. Making me emotional.
"I'm ok now " I get up and put my sweater back on.
"Talk pls, you can choose whether that person is me or someone els"
I walk to the couch and put my salad aside.
"I don't know how to tell you or anyone"
She sits next to me.
"I haven't even been 100% honest with my therapist "
"I won't judge you y/n"
She puts her hand on my knee.
"Is it oke if I only tell you a part of it?"
She nodded.
"I haven't take my antidepressants since I left the hospital" I take a sip of wine for some courage.
"Why?" Emily asked.
"I. I just don't like the way it makes me feel. I don't like alot about it"
"The medication is there to help you. You can ask your therapist for a different prescription."
I sigh.
"I've been off them for 3 months, and I'm fine. Now I told you can we just watch the movie now?"
I saw that em wasn't satisfied.
I take my salad again. I didnt want to eat it but I didn't want to worry her even more.
Eventually I finished it, but it just got me feeling sick.
I lean on emily as we watch the movie. My brain was still very much unhinged.
I was debating whether I should call Spencer to talk about it. But I just closed my phone.
The movie was finished and em asked what we should watch next.
"I want to go for a run if that's oke"
She figured I wanted to be alone. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and went out to run.
I felt sick but I decided to ignore it. But when i pucked everything up I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I got back to the apartment after a while.
"You don't look so great either " I say to Emily who is hanging over the toilet. I sit down next to her and hold her hair.
"Shhh get it out. I know I just did"
She lifted her head and said
" I think we got food poisoning "
I put her hair in a low ponytail and rub her back.
I'll text hotch later to let him know we're sick.
"Then he knows we ate together" she said.
"Eating together isn't unusual for friends em"
We got back on the couch both sick to our stomach. I let hotch know we were sick and got the week off.
I knew I just shouldn't have eaten anything
Emily felt really bad so I cuddled with her. "Why don't we go to sleep?" I take her hand and we both crawl in bed.
Em was the little spoon.
"Gn babe" I kiss her shoulder and put the lights out. Sergio crawled into bed with us.