Monday night made one thing very clear for me.
Actually, two things.
It made me realize that one, I am not interested in anything more than friendship with Myles, and two, I am in no way, shape, or form close to getting over Alek.
I may wish I could be over him after how he's been acting and how he just left me for so long, but I'd be lying to myself. Even thinking those words felt wrong. Maybe it's pathetic, but I can't help how my heart feels.
After we had dinner on Monday night, Myles offered to drive me home. All was well until he decided to kiss me. It's not like I didn't necessarily want him to, I just wasn't really ready for it. It wasn't like I thought or hoped it was going to be either. It was awkward and I didn't feel the spark like I once did with Alek.
The kiss was also a little. . . Messy. There was a lot of tongue and a little too much saliva on my face. He was just a little too into it. Definitely more than I was.
The second his lips touched mine I wanted the kiss to stop but I didn't want to be mean or hurt his feelings, so I let it happen. I think after we pulled apart we both kind of came to the understanding that whatever was going on between us died right there. I mean, I said thank you and Myles went to shake my hand. . .
I waited all week to try and work up the courage to tell Myles we'd be better off as just friends, but he texted me Friday evening and said exactly what I was going to.
I felt so unbelievably relieved when I saw his message, it felt like a big weight was removed from my chest. I don't like doing things that could hurt someone, but it's nice to know he wouldn't have been hurt if I texted him first anyways. I guess I didn't have to avoid him at work all week, but I don't know how to handle certain situations so sometimes it's better for me to just avoid them.
Maybe like I've kind of been doing with Alek.
I know I should talk to him and at least hear what he has to say. There's no way I'll ever be able to move on if I don't know the truth. It's just hard to even look at him. It makes me remember our time together and it really hurts. All I want to do when I see him is break down and cry. Alek was different too, he wasn't his usual self which made me feel sad too. What if he's changed too much and we're not compatible anymore?
That thought alone is terrifying.
My brain was driving me crazy so I decided to go to bed really early and be ready for my shift at Daisy's tomorrow.
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And it's safe to say I had a sleep from hell. I've never had such dark bags under my eyes before. I was tossing and turning the whole night! Today was the one day I felt glad for having glasses because they hid my tiredness a little bit. I swear I'm about one more bad sleep away from turning in to a zombie!
I put on the outfit I chose last night. My favorite pair of jeans; they're a really pretty blue denim in the mom jeans style, but they're for boys. I rolled up the ankles of them a little bit and paired it with my black Daisy's shirt and a beige cardigan with white Daisy's on it! It may be a little feminine, but I feel really pretty when I wear my favorite clothes!
I fixed my hair in the mirror and put my curling defrizzing what ever the heck in it and met Anthony at the front door. Chris was taking the day off but Anthony was going to work too and he offered me a ride.
We didn't really talk about much on the way there. I think he was tired and so was I. Probably for different reasons, but still. On the bright side we did stop for coffee on the way! I got a caramel iced coffee with whipped cream! It's so tasty and just what I need to get me through today.
It was just me in the shop for the day as well because Nali took off some of her holidays, which is fine. I just hope it doesn't get too busy.
I was actually supposed to be moving in to my new apartment today but they said it won't be ready until Sunday. Which it works out I guess because my furniture is arriving Sunday anyways.
I've loved living with Chris and Anthony, but it will be nice to have my own space where I can actually be myself and do what I want. I owe Chris my life for everything he's done to help me. The other day I found out he paid my rent for the entire year! I got upset with him, but it ended with us having a big heart to heart, hugging and watching a movie together. He's a little crazy, but he is the most loving and genuine person I've ever met.
It was getting close to the end of my shift when headlights lit up the front of the shop. I was just about to close up, but I decided to wait. I already know who it is.
My thoughts were confirmed when a frantic looking Alek came barging through the doors like a freaking caveman!
"Oh thank god you're still here." He was breathing heavily like he'd just run a marathon.
"Hello." I said curtly, attempting to keep myself busy with arranging some flowers in a vase.
"Noah, I am so sorry for how I acted last week, that wasn't me and you know it. I would have come to speak with you earlier but they wouldn't let me in the bar and Anthony wouldn't let me see you at home. . . "
"How do I know who the real you is?" I sighed. "From what I've seen is there is the you who blew me away and treated me like you L— Um, like you really cared about me, then there's the other side of you who had sex with me and without a word for two years. What am I supposed to believe?"
"Just give me one more chance to explain. Please, Noah. I promise everything will make sense to you after you know the truth. I've never begged for anything in my life, but I am begging you right now. I will get down on my knees if I have to. I'm so crazy about you and i'm not giving up. I can't give up on us."
"Fine. You can tell me, but I don't make any promises. You hurt me really bad."
And here comes the tears.
I spun away from Alek and wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my cardigan.
"Please don't cry sweetheart."
"I'm not crying." I sniffled and turned back to face him with a frown.
Alek had a daisy in his hands just like my sweater. He broke the stem off and gave me a questioning look before stepping closer to me. "May I?"
"S-Sure?" I sniffled.
Alek moved cautiously as he put the pretty flower in my hair by my ear. He doesn't need to know, but i'm keeping this for my collection now. It's been a long time since I've added a new one!
"Such a beautiful boy." He whispered softly.
Blushing was out of my control. It was impossible not to! I so badly wanted to run and hide behind the counter but my feet wouldn't move!
"Give me one hour with you. No fancy restaurants, no making a fool of myself, no bitchy waitresses in sight. Just me and you."
I slowly nodded through my hesitation and backed away. "I-I just need to close up the store."
"Alright. I'll wait in the car for you, take your time."
When Alek went to wait for me in his car I ran to the back and collapsed against the wall. After two years I finally get to hear the truth. It almost doesn't feel real. I hope i'm not dreaming.
I calmed myself down by taking a few minutes to breathe, then I grabbed my backpack and closed up the shop. With every step closer I got to his car it felt like I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I'm even more nervous than I was last week.
With trembling hands, I opened the door and got inside. Alek looked at me with a small, awkward grin before putting the car in reverse. "You ready?"
"Y-Yes."
Alek drove for a good half an hour and he took me to a place I never thought I'd see again. I was surprised to see that he took me back to the beach we had one of our dates at.
"You remember coming here?" I asked in surprise.
"How could I ever forget coming here with you? I still have my promise to keep about taking you to the market in San Francisco." He sighed tiredly. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's go talk." Alek got out of the car and I followed a few seconds behind him. He had a blanket in his hands. A different one from the first time, but it brought back so many memories.
I was tempted to reach out for his hand, but I knew I wasn't ready for that.
It was a fairly warm night which was nice, but I kind of wished there was a breeze or something at least. I've never felt so anxious in my entire life and I really needed to cool down.
I stood there awkwardly as Alek laid down the blanket and took a seat on it. I didn't really have a choice to sit either because it felt like my legs were going to give out on me at any second. I sat a safe distance away from him and crossed my legs.
"Alright, i'm going to explain everything I can to you and I would like you to wait until i'm finished to say anything, is that okay?"
"Sure."
This is it. The moment I've been waiting two years for.
"Well I'm going to start off by saying how much I truly missed you these last two years. I spent every single day thinking of your gorgeous face and your beautiful smile. Thinking of you was really the only thing to get me through this. I just hoped to god that I would be able to find my way back to you and it killed me not being able to reach out and explain everything."
"The night you spent at my apartment was the best night of my life. From our attempt at camping to the way we made love. I've never had sex that's made me feel like that. The morning when I woke up, I left to take Lev for a walk and to get us some coffees but when I was on my way back I heard these sirens going off and suddenly I had these men in uniform surrounding my every direction."
"I thought they were police, but it was actually ICE. They were yelling out the name Viktor Morozov. Of course I've never heard it before, so I didn't know how to react. I told them it wasn't me over and over, but they told me to shut up and slammed me to the ground while they restrained me with cuffs. Lev, he got away and they didn't even try to chase him. They just let him go." It was easy to tell what Alek was saying is true. The pain in his voice was so raw that I could feel it burning inside of my own chest.
"I didn't even have my ID on me to prove who I was and everything was just happening so fast. They refused to go and get it and I didn't even have my phone on me to make a call or send a message for help."
"So they like put you in jail?" I gasped. "What about your car? Your car was gone when I left that day. . ."
"Not exactly, and I don't know sweetheart. I really couldn't tell you even if I tried." Alek ran his fingers through his hair and looked up at the stars. Something about the look in his eyes made me feel like he knows more than he's letting on, but I chose not to comment on it yet.
"They took me to some building and kept me there for a day or maybe two so they could run my fingerprints. Some how my name came up as Viktor and I couldn't prove I wasn't him. He was wanted in Russia and someone some how thought it was me. They deported me back to Russia and I had no way to get in contact with anyone. They wouldn't let me."
"So where were you for two years? Where did you stay? And how did you get all of this money you seem to have now?"
"It was a mess, sweetheart. There's a lot more to it. I don't know if I can tell you the fine details for your safety. The less you know about what happened the better." He tried reaching out for me, but hesitated and dropped his hand.
"I don't think I could live with myself if anything happened to you because of me."
"So you're telling me you didn't leave me on purpose? I didn't scare you away or do a really bad job like in the bedroom?" I blushed.
"You could never scare me away. I tried so hard for so long to get back to you, Noah. You're the only reason I didn't give up."
All this time I thought Alek willingly left me. I never would have thought there would be a reason valid enough for him to disappear into thin air, but there it was. I know i'm going to be feeling so guilty for all of the negative thoughts I've had of him, but those can wait for later.
"Can I please hug you?" I asked shyly.
"I'll always say yes to a hug from you, sweetheart."
I practically threw myself at him, causing us to both go flying backwards into the sand. Well Alek was in the sand, I was on top of him.
"I missed you so much. I thought about you every single day." I admitted. "When I was eating, or sleeping, or walking, or a l-little. . . You were always in my head and my h-heart."
"I know, I know. It's okay baby boy, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, do you understand? I'll never leave you again." Alek's voice was so soothing, all I could do was lean further in to his embrace and breathe in the familiar scent of his cologne. The old stuff he used to wear when I was with him.
It felt like home.
Alek sat up slowly and kept me on his lap. He looked directly in my eyes and just the way he was looking at me felt so loving that I got butterflies in my tummy. The ones I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to experience again. I was holding him so tightly I was scared to let go. What if this is a dream and the moment I let go he'll no longer be there?
"Come home with me, Noah. I need you in my arms tonight."
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A/N - One step closer to unpacking the truth. What do you think happened? Any theories?;)