Yazhini Pov:
"What are you doing Yazhini without having your food?" maa asked me.
"Nothing maa, please you both go and have your food." I says.
"Yazhini beta, what is it?" papa asked me.
"Nothing paa"
"Did we both did any mistake which made you hurt in any way dear?" maa asked me.
"Maa what are you speaking?" I asked her with a tears.
"Why are you crying dear?" she asked me while whipping my tears.
"It's been 5 months dear, 5 month of you staying with us dear. You were started to live a normal life last month only, before that you was not at all speaking anything. But now again you started to be your old self dear. That's why am asking, do you don't like to live with us? " maa again asked me.
" No maa" i replies.
"Tell us dear, even you don't like us?" paa asked me.
"Paa please stop asking like this. All am having you is you both maa and appa." I says while hugging him.
"Then what happened beta?"
I kept mum.
"Yazhini" maa called me.
"Give her sometime dear, she will open up. We know about our yazhini right. Come let's go" Appa says while taking amma out of my room.
Yes they are my parents.
I smiled thinking about them.
I smiled thinking about myself.
Its been 5 months of our separation. 5 months of seeing my son. It's a tough decision to take up. But I did it.
As I don't want to live like my mom.
'So why you didn't left him in those 9 years, since you were lived like that only right.' my mind asked me the same question.
'It's because he didn't asked me to leave him. I was unaware about his hate, but on that day I got the answer as he was in love. But then too I put up with him atleast thinking to live for my son. But when I went to tell him about his dad innocence, whne he himself aksed me to leave him, I can't live thereafter. It's basically his life I can't ask him to love me even after knowing that he was in love with other girl. Even then I thought I can actually live with him thinking that his lover was died. But when I seen his lover alive, that's the time I felt to end this relationship I thought. '
' And his words which are sharp as knife, are enough to break my unrequited love. Yes mine is unrequited love. An one sided love which doesn't has any base. '
' That day everything I understood, that why he did named our son as Varun. That breaked me. After that one by one ebefthijg my mind unveiled as I remember him moaning everytime as var... while we both have sex in his dunken state, everything fell into a right place. Those puzzle got his answers that day. How fool I was right thinking that he calls for Varun. Why in hell he is going to call our son name when we both has sex. ' my tears rolled down thinking it again.
' He had sex with me, thinking am his lover. He named Varun after his lover name. He married me to get revenge for his died love. He lived with me to show the hell for his lover. '
' Where am in this?'
' Where? '
' Nowhere'
'Nowhere'
'Past 30 years I lived a life where I was treated as shit. Nothing else.'
'So I decided this, Leaving him. So I left the life which I once loved. Left the marriage. Left the nuptial chain, the symbol of our marriage. Left my identity as Mrs. Arjun. Left my only one love my Varun.'
'Varun, it was a very tough decision. But i taken that, as I know I can't give the life which Varun needs for a bright future. Since I don't know whether there will be any future is there for me or not. So I left him. I left him since I don't want him to grow up without anyone beside him. I want him to get a grandparents love. Especially his dad love. Since I know how much arjun loves his son. I sacrificed my love for Varun's future. After all I promised my son when I had him in my arms for the first time. That no matter what he will be always loved by everyone, especially he will get his dad love. Only I knows the pain. The pain of being left out. I don't want my son to be like that. '
' But now you have a parents ae yours, even if they are not your real parents they are taking care of you as their own. Then why don't go and apply for varun custody. 'my mind asked me.
' I won't. I won't do that. Only I knows how much he earned for his father's love. Everytime he questioned me that why his dad is not at all taking him out whereas his friends dad taking his friends out. But for varun it will be always either me or his grandad. Varun is nothing but like me. Only difference is I know about my dad character but here varun don't know and then my dad is a cruel one, but here varun dad is a good man atleast for his son. With him he can become whatever he want. Since arjun is wealthy to provide the studies watever my son want. Whereas I don't know my future myself. So I acted as selfish. Every mother will be selfish in this. And so I. '
As I don't had any future, I don't want to take my son with me.
I left him.
I left him like a motherless child.
A child who showered me with his love.
He is the one who gave me a definition of life. He is the one who taught me what is love. He is the one who taught me what is a real smile.
I still remember fresh, his first word which is nothing but Amma. His first laugh. The moment when he started to walk.
My tears were spilling on its own.
"Amma is sorry varun kanna. Your mumma loves you a lot kanna." I murmured by lieing on the cold floor.
"Your mumma is sorry kanna, your mumma is nothing but a failure kanna. Just don't hate your mumma. I want a bright future for you kanna. "
After coming out of my in laws home. I don't know where to go, and what to do. All I did is walks aimlessly.
I just boarded a train without even having a ticket.
That is when I seen them. A loving old couple.
I got penalty for not having a ticket, When the TTR asks for a penalty, I didn't even bale to a swe him properly. So he strayed to scold me in a vulgar language that's when this old couple helped me.
After that they both started to ask about me. But all I said is am a orphan.
Its amma then who asked me whether I can be their child. I thought for a minute before accepting that option. But later I accepted since I don't have anything else in hand to leave, even if they were a bad persons. After that they themselves introduced saying that they both were running a small hotel in kanyakumari and their son left them with his wife after marriage and after that he is not at all visiting them. As their daughter in law don't like to be with them.
With that I just came to Kanyakumari. I just accepted their offer immediately since I will live very far from them.
After that I lived here, with them. For first 4 months I was living like a corpse without having Varun beside me. It is really difficult for me to sleep without him. There was no night where I slept properly. So I started to help maa and papa as I started to involve in the hotel work.
And at one point I started to call them as Maa and paa as they requested. They are nothing but a sweet love people.
But today here Mister. Arjun visited on seeking for me. How could he just ask me such a thing.
Am not the same yazhini anymore. These 5 months showed me the reality.
That how much of dependent I was. That how much of innocent I was. That how much of a useless human being I was.
The moment when I understood about he named our son with his mix match of his and his lover name, my heart really shattered.
For him it's always varshini. Whereas I lived the life thinking about him. So it's altogether a triangle love. But am the one who unaware of everything.
To be precise am nothing but a fool.
My dad is right, am nothing but a girl who will be useful to satisfy the man's needs. Here I think I satisfied him.
_____________
Arjun Pov:
"She said no vinoth" I says again to him.
"Stop it arjun, what else you were expecting her to say?" he annoyingly asked me.
"I know am not meant to forgive
But but I thought she will give me atleast a chance vinoth. I don't know wat I have to do now" I rambled.
"Why do you thought that she will give a chance?. How could you even think like that Arjun. You haven't done a simple mistake, instead you have done a blunder. You literally showed her a nightmare in those 9 years arjun. And now you are expecting her to accept your simple apology and wanted her back as your wife. I don't see any logic here Arjun. " vinoth said.
I just looked away.
Am the jerk.
"And now you are here, without knowing what what to do. You just left her in Kanyakumari and returned to Chennai. As soon as you got her reply as no. Am not getting this arjun. What is your real plan actually. What you are thinking. Atleast tell me what you want in this life. " vinoth frustradely asked me.
" I need her vinoth "I says at him by turning away.
" Then what are you doing here Arjun? "
" She don't like me vinoth. What I will do there. "I slowly says.
" Arjun am going to kill you. Are you that small kid or what?. I don't understand what you are plann.... "he stopped as I just hugged him. And I stopped holding my tears.
" I don't know vinoth i don't know. That what I have to do now. My mind and heart needs her. But her answers, her words everything shows me that how unworthy am for that relationship. I couldn't even able to go and ask her to live with me vinoth. I feel ashmed myself to even show my face to her. I don't know what else to do vinoth. That's why I came back to Chennai. My heart... It doesn't...accepts her reply, but my mind is telling me that am unworthy for her. Am not suitable for her vinoth. Am not. "I murmurs at him.
"Arjun, comeon arjun. Don't be like this." vinoth tried to console me but all I did is just kept crying on his shoulder.
"What happened vinoth you called me..." I heard vasanth voice.
_________
"Have this" vasanth says while passing me the coffee glass.
"Arjun do you remember our college days." vinoth asked me.
Inmeditely my mind goes to varshini. I bindly Loved a wrong girl right.
"It would be better right if I didn't met varshini" i slowly says.
"Arjun, am not speaking about that. Am speaking about my old friend who used to do whatever his mind wants. Not the one who started to hide everything within him and faked about his real pain." vinoth says.
"Uhh?"
"Am talking about our earlier days Arjun. I miss him Arjun. You lived your life to the fullest at that time not like a robot which you are now living Arjun."
"The Arjun who i knows will never say no for anything. He will try his best. But now you are not even tried anything Arjun and here you are looking dejected even before you try."
"You want her, but you haven't tried anything to make earn her forgiveness."
"Am... Am.. N not sui
Suitable for M... Her..." I stuttered.
"Then why don't you change yourself to make yourself as worthy for her?"
"Comeon Arjun. You need her, your son needs her. And what is there which is stopping you?"
"My guilt.... I do... Don't..."
"Stop being bullshit Arjun. Yes you are a scoundrel, you are a bastard who treated a innocent soul as shit. But why you did that?. You did it thinking that she is not innocent, since she is the guilty. And you did it ruined her life for your so called past love. Now when you got to know the truth, don't you want to make everything right? "
" Arjun, you did a mistake which is not a simple one. But see, everyone will do the mistakes. Yes you too did it, which is not an acceptable one. Which is very big blunder as we all know it. But at the same time you have to make it right. Now this is your time to make everything as right Arjun. If not for you, please do it for your son. And please do it for your wife Arjun. All she yearns for a love Arjun. "
" B.. But.... She will not accept me... "
" Stop it arjun. Stop it. "
" Let me aks you this question. Why you do you even need yazhinj? "
" I n... N.. Nee... She is my wi.... Wife"
"So now you want her because she started to look like as your wife?"
"Arjun, do you still love varshini?" He angrily aksed me.
"Whta no no"
"Vi.. Vinoth" I called him after being silent for longer time .
"Yes arjun"
"I... Want her.... What I have to do now?"
"Just go and shower your affection, your care, mmmm... Why not love too" he says.
"B.. But she will not allow m. Mee.."
"Offcourse who in sane mind will allow you?"
"Noone arjun" Vasanth says.
I looked away.
"But like vinoth said, you should try arjun. Without trying how could you come to a conclusion?"
"But what if she didn't liked me showing up there..."
"Yes she will not like it"
"Did you forget Arjun. How much stunt you did pulled for your past love. Why a...."
"Am scared vinoth now. Since I need her. Am dependent on her. My whole life is now dependent on her. Without her presence am getting to know that much of an dependent fellow am. I always bad mouth her saying that all she was doing is eating and staying in home, but in reality it is me who just eating simply and going for office that's all I know. But she... She knows everything vinoth. She literally did everthing without complaing whereas all I did is utilising her doings and scolded her without any base. "
"I should have shown her heaven but all I did shown is a hell. Now I want to show her the heaven, Vinoth. I want to be her everything vinoth. I want her, I need her. " I says.
" Then go, what are you doing here? "Vasanth says while pushing me.
"All you shown is your bad side. Now show your good side Arjun."
"She yearned for a love . Just sower her your love" vinoth shouted.
'Maybe maybe I can make everything as right this time.'
'But am I worth for her?'
'Am not'
Author's pov:
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