SERENITY PAYTON
"Hello?"
"Hey, Rin..."
"Jaren, hey," I said. Hazel and Aeysha's eyes got wide hearing the mention of Jaren's name. "How are you?"
"Uh, I'm good," he said with a chuckle. "But, look, I was wondering if you and I could meet up and talk things out because I feel like we let a lot of shit go unsaid."
I nodded and sat on the edge of my desk, balancing the phone between my shoulder and my ear. "I actually agree with that...when do you want to meet up? Are you gonna be in The Bay any time soon?"
"I'm actually here now...uhm, are you at work? Because I could come there if that's okay with you?" he suggested.
"Actually, that's perfect." I told him.
"Cool. I'll uh...be there in 10-15 minutes.." He said.
"Okay, cool."
Jaren and I said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. The moment that I set the phone down, I looked up and saw Hazel and Ayesha giving me skeptical looks, and I just knew that they were wondering what in the world Jaren was doing calling my phone.
I know that it looks odd for me to accept talking with my ex-boyfriend, especially given the way the two of us ended, but, Jaren was right; we both had a lot of things that had gone unsaid, that needed to be said. And I know that it seemed as if that I was doing this just for Jaren to get things off of his chest, but in reality, I needed this too.
People just assume that it was easy for me to leave Jaren, when in reality, it wasn't. It hurts seeing someone that you love be hurt, and it hurts even more knowing that you're the one that caused the hurt over and over again.
Jaden deserved answers and more apologies from me than I could count on one hand. Yes, he did some things that were wrong, but if anything, I did the most damage.
Why?
Because I led him on, knowing that he genuinely was in love with me, and knowing that I didn't have that same feeling towards him, so if anything, I was the one who was mostly at fault.
Even if people didn't see or understand it...
"Why in fucks sake, was Jaren Jackson calling you?" Hazel asked, taking a step towards me. "I thought you had cut ties with him."
"I did," I explained. "Sometimes he calls to talk to Landon."
Hazel crossed her arms. "And Donte's okay with that?"
"Yes."
"So what did he call for?" Ayesha asked.
"He's coming up here so we can talk about things." I replied.
Hazel raised her eyebrow and leaned forward. "Things? What are things? Stop being so damn vague."
"We're going to be talking about what happened between he and I. Damn, you happy now?" I snapped, getting annoyed.
Hazel scrunched up her face. "Why and the hell would you go and do that? What the fuck, Serenity. How would Donte feel—."
"This is not about Donte, and not everything in my life is about Donte, Hazel." I said, cutting her off, looking her dead in her eyes. "This isn't about Donte. This isn't about Landon. This isn't about Jaren. This is about me doing something that he damn sure deserves—."
"That he deserves," Hazel exclaimed. "Girl what the actual hell! Jaren humiliated you, embarrassed you, picked unnecessary fights with—."
"Hazel, I led this man on for damn near a year and some change all because I was too damn afraid to own up to the fact that I wanted Donte back! I constantly sucked up to Donte around him blatantly in front of his face and tried to play the victim card!
Now, if you had done that to any other man around Dray, you know damn well that Dray would act the same way and probably even worse. I put Jaren in a position where he constantly felt as if he had to fight and beg for his love, when I was chasing after Donte like a sick fucking puppy!
Nobody and I mean, nobody should ever be put in a position where they should have to act out or fight for their love when they're in a relationship. And this isn't the first time that I've hurt him. So, I've got some blame to take, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself."
Both Ayesha and Hazel were silent. Like, dead silent. It was like Ayesha was quiet because she felt as if it were awkward, while Hazel was quiet because she didn't know what to say; it was as if she were trying to find the words to say, but she couldn't. That was rare.
"So..." Ayesha said after a few moments of silence. "What the two of you are doing is seeking closure?"
I shrugged and nodded my head. "I guess so. Yeah."
"What do you need closure for? Or what do you feel you need closure for?" Ayesha asked as I sat down at my desk.
"I guess I just feel guilty, you know? I hurt him in ways that I can't even imagine being hurt. Repeatedly at that. So I guess my closure would be to just...get forgiveness and just, talking it out, and getting an understanding of what really happened on both of our parts."
Hazel shook her head. "I'm just not understanding why you feel you need it now."
"Everything happens for a reason, Hazel," I said, turning to her. "It was bound to happen. And we couldn't do it when the relationship was fresh because we were both going off of strict emotions and anger. It wouldn't have been right."
Hazel shook her head and held her hands up. "I'm sorry, I just don't think you're doing the right thing."
"Well you don't have to," I said, cutting my eyes at her. "I know that I'm doing the right thing, and I definitely don't need this negativity right now, Hazel."
"Im not—."
The knock on my office door caused for all of us to look over at the door. I knew who it was, and so did they, which is why they glanced back at me and immediately started gathering their things. I took a deep breath before getting up and walking over to the door, opening it, and looking up at Jaren's tall frame.
"Hey." I said with a small smile.
Jaren grinned and slipped his hands into his pockets nervously. "Hey, Rin."
Jaren looked over to the side and waved shortly at Ayesha and Hazel, flashing them a hesitant smile. "Hey, Ayesha...Hey, Hazel.."
Ayesha flashed Jaren a polite smile and walked up to him, giving him a quick side hug. "Hi, Jaren. We'll get out of y'all hair."
Hazel rolled her eyes at Jaren as Ayesha dragged her out of my office, shutting the door behind them, leaving Jaren and I inside my office alone in awkward-nervous silence.
This was really about to happen...
Jaren sat down at the chair in front of my desk while I sat down on the edge of my desk and nervously bounced my knee up and down. I was trying to find the words to say, but I couldn't. It was like my mind had suddenly went blank and I was sitting here looking a nervous wreck when I was supposed to be helping him and myself gain closure on this situation that had happened between the two of us.
"I'm just gonna start by saying I'm sorry, Rini," Jaren blurted out, looking up at me. "For everything; and I mean everything.
I know that I put you in a position where I made you feel like you were going insane having to pick; and I put that pressure on you by constantly picking fights and then abruptly proposing to you after an argument.
I guess, deep down I knew that you were going to pick Donte eventually, and I wasn't ready to even cope to that myself because I felt like after all this time, I had finally gotten a chance to redeem myself, you know? But, Donte...he's got your heart, and you've got his...and I don't know why I even tried to come in between a connection so strong."
Redeem himself? Redeem himself from what?
I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "What did you mean by redeem yourself? Redeem yourself from what, exactly?"
Jaren sighed and shrugged. "Back in high school, when we broke up, I know that it wasn't just because of you wanting to cut ties before you got hurt because we were going to different schools. I know that it was because of what I said and what I did...and I know that you carried that with you for a long time. I hurt you, and I'm sorry."
"What you said, it didn't hurt me, because I knew it was the truth," I explained. "But what upset me was the fact that I had to hear it through Jordan, and not you."
Jaren nodded his head. "I understand that, and that's why I know that it hurt you, and it hurt me because, I was so damn in love with you, that for those last two months of our Senior year, seeing you walk around sad and having to hear from Jordan that you weren't doing well was killing me on the inside.
After graduation...I thought I was never going to see you again, so I just...I didn't think to even come over and apologize or say anything to you to try to fix anything between us.
But then, the night of the draft...when I saw you with Ja...my heart sank because I knew that he had you, and I didn't get to fix anything between you and I; and it made me sick to my stomach, because you were the girl of my dreams back then and I felt like if I didn't have you, my dream wouldn't be complete."
Damn these pregnancy hormones...
I quickly pulled a tissue from out of the tissue box and wiped my eyes as tears flowed down my face. All of this was too much, but I was happy that I was finding things out, hearing Jaren explain everything was helping me piece certain events and days together that didn't make sense to me in the beginning.
Seeing him talk about it...the emotion on his face, I could tell that it wasn't faked. He felt everything that he was saying with nothing but raw emotion, and I think that's what was getting me the most.
Just listening to Jaren explain how it felt seeing me with Ja the night of the draft and just remembering how he was acting and how he immediately brought up the idea of the two of us putting our past behind us and being friends, which at the time I had agreed to, and honestly we benefited from it, because he quickly became my closest friend, and it was as if nothing had happened between the two of us.
"Seeing you with Ja," Jaren let out a hard laugh and shook his head, looking up at me with watery eyes. "It was like one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life...but I loved seeing you happy, and at that point, he was who was making you happy and making you smile, so I just sat back and I watched, until the Kaari bomb was dropped.
Y'all tried to work through it, but it didn't work out and I thought that I should jump on the opportunity, but Ja and I we were close friends. I didn't want to go against him, and then I didn't want to just start trying to get back with to you again while you were in a vulnerable state so I just settled with—."
"Being my friend and a shoulder for me to cry on.." I said, completing his sentence.
Jaren nodded. "Yeah," he said with a laugh. "Can you pass me a tissue, please? I didn't expect to cry when I got here."
I laughed and passed him a tissue. "Yeah, neither did I. It's cool, though, real thugs cry."
"You ain't ever lied." Jaren chuckled. "But, as I was saying, I was fine with that. Honestly, my friendship with you was the best friendship I had ever had in my life aside from my friendship with Jordan, but I knew that I was still in love with you, and after a while, I was ready to admit to my feelings and just go for it...
...but then the news came out that you were dating Donte and I realized that my chance was just out the window because I saw how you two looked at each other and I knew that the love that y'all had was real, because y'all looked at each other the way I looked at you whenever you weren't paying attention.
I was happy for you, but I was also mad as hell because I wanted it to be me. Hell, I wanted to be Donte at one point. Then once I found out that y'all had broken up, and we had gotten close again, I decided to take my opportunity right then and there, even though I knew that you were having his child—which made me want to compete with him even more."
I nodded my head, finally fully understanding everything. It all made complete sense now. I knew that Jaren was acting off jealously, but I didn't realize that he had been going through so much in his head when it came down to me and seeing me move forward without him.
At the end of the day, I feel like everything Jaren and I went through was for a reason: this very reason. For both of us to grow as people and realize just what lifestyle was meant for us and just who was meant for us. This was a growing experience for the both of us, and as much as it hurt for the both of us to hurt each other, I think that we needed it, because we had grown as people and healed better without being in a relationship with each other.
"I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that, Jaren," I said, wiping my eyes for about the one hundredth time today.
"I had no idea that you felt like this. And most importantly, I'm sorry for leading you on when it came down to our relationship and me choosing Donte over you even before I could fully end the relationship. You didn't deserve any of that.
I hurt you more times than I could count and put you in a position where you felt like you had to constantly compete with Donte and prove to everyone else that at the time it was me and you, and not me and Donte. I made you look dumb and I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you...I barely knew what was going on with myself to even realize that I was hurting you."
Jaren gave me a soft smile. "I know this sounds crazy, but, honestly, I forgave you the moment I left your place the night I proposed."
And cue tears...
"Really?" I blubbered, placing my hand over my mouth as the tears flowed down my cheeks.
Jaren nodded. "Yeah, really. I can never stay mad at you for long, Rini. Plus, I knew what it was going to be the minute I got myself into that love triangle. I knew it was going to always be Donte for you. I just was holding onto false hope, which is partially my fault, too."
"On the upside of all this...we're both in great places in our lives and we're both happy. So that's the good thing that came from all this drama, right?" I said with a little laugh.
Jaren chuckled and nodded in agreement. "You damn right that. I'm really proud of you, Rini. For real, you're making a name for yourself and you're an amazing mother...Donte is a lucky man."
"Thank you, Jaren," I said with a warm smile. "That really means a lot to me...I hope you know I'm proud of you as well, and I hope you get everything you deserve in life."
"I really appreciate that.." He said with a soft smile.
There was a short pause. A moment of silence if you will that fill the void. It was as if we were trying to figure out where to go from here. Truth was, I didn't know what to say because I didn't mind being friends, but friends seemed too, I don't know, it just didn't seem like something that Jaren and I could go back to being right now. So I didn't know what the next move was going to be for the both of us.
"So," I said. "Where do we go from here?"
Jaren shrugged. "Honestly, I think cordial is the best thing for us right now. And if it's meant for us to become close friends again, then that's what it'll be, and honestly, I'm okay with that. Are you?"
I nodded and gave him a soft smile. "Yeah I am."
****
END OF CH. 022
What did y'all think??