A/N: Warning: This chapter may affect your feelings; intense emotions, disturb your sleep, anxiety, depression, crying, and talking about death..*read at your own risk.*
Na-Rae had just started a Weverse livestream a few seconds ago. The white wall and bright lights in her hotel room hinted that she had shed tears before going live. Although her makeup artist had done her best to hide it, her eyes still appeared bloodshot. The girl anxiously awaited the viewer list to go higher, not wanting to start all over again once she started. While comments began to appear, the hearts didn't flow in as rapidly as usual. Was she now facing a sudden surge of negativity within the fandom?
Three days ago, everything took a turn for the worse. After their final concert in France, she decided to sleep in Tae's room because he was the nearest member on the same floor. She was so tired that she forgot he had mentioned a live session with ARMY. In her exhaustion, she walked into his hotel room and greeted Tae with a cheerful, "I'll be sleeping here tonight, oppa." She promptly settled into bed, wrapping herself in his blankets. A warm smile crossed Tae's face as he watched the youngest member drift off, only vaguely aware of her presence. However, his smile vanished suddenly as he glanced at the comments flooding his livestream.
"Why is Nara in your room?"
"Is that Nara?"
"Did she say they're sleeping together?"
"Are they dating? Did they lie about dating each other?"
"Oh, Taerae, I knew it was real."
"Did they mislead us?"
"I always said they were secretly dating."
"I knew boys and girls couldn't just be friends."
"Those pajamas are quite revealing, what's going on?"
The comments continued to pour into the chat, and Tae's eyes widened. "Army, I think I need to leave now. It was wonderful seeing and meeting you again. Goodnight, and take care of yourselves."
"Did we interrupt an intimate moment?"
"What? Why is he leaving? Give us the truth, oppa!"
"No, give us a Taerae moment."
Not knowing any better, Tae ended his livestream and felt unsure of what to do. The girl, who was like his little sister, was peacefully asleep, curled up, and waiting for his comfort. She always seemed vulnerable like this when they weren't at home. Her sheer cuteness overwhelmed his emotions, but deep down, he couldn't shake off the words of ARMY echoing in his mind. What was going on? The chat box was filled with negative comments, accusations of lying, and talk of love.
Trying to put those troubling thoughts aside he started to think what he should do but maybe only a good night's rest was the solution. Walking towards his bathroom, he started to follow his nightly routine, preparing himself for bed. He undressed, slipping out of his clothes and into his comfortable pajamas, which actually only excised out of an old t-shirt with boxers. Halfway through brushing his teeth, his head snapped back to reality as he heard a gentle knock on his bedroom door. Opening the door Manager Sejin-nim was there, looking concerned. "Tae, we have a problem. You just ended your livestream a few minutes ago, and the entire internet is flooded with photos and short clips from your live stream. Is she asleep?"
Tae nodded but stopped his manager, saying, "Don't wake her up; I don't want to disturb her sleep. She's the one who needs it most right now. I can't leave her alone. Talk to the boys and have them send me their thoughts on what we should do."
Their manager nodded his head not bothering the two any seconds longer "You're right, stay with her, we will message you if we come up with something." Taehyung nodded his head and closed the door only to go straight to his bed cuddling the girl who appeared to be unaware of what had happened. "Sleep well," he said and kissed her forehead, pulling her closer to him. He felt her snuggle into the crook of his neck. She liked that Tae was like a teddy bear, it made her feel comfy while she slept well.
°°°
Chaos broke out when the girl woke up the next day. Her phone was constantly beeping with news about Taehyung and her. Newspapers and online articles were filled with accusations of them being dishonest with ARMY, and how upset ARMY was with them. Among the negative comments, some fans believed they were old enough to love each other. The situation was quite clear to some. Others were supportive but still didn't like how they handled the situation.
But the worst was yet to come. The concert in The Netherlands didn't go as planned. Every time she spoke, there were loud boos from some ARMY members. It brought tears to her eyes, but she tried to remain calm, collected, and strong on stage. Her solo performance was the most challenging part. The usually bright purple light was darker than usual, making the song much harder to sing. After the concert, she was in tears, and the other members didn't know how to comfort her, the only thing she remembered was that Jungkook never left her side, and told her soothing things while hugging her. BIGHIT was taking care of media matters and had prepared a letter, but it was a very personal matter, so they were waiting for Nara's approval before releasing it.
She was constantly overthinking things these days, and it was just a mild way to describe her state of mind. She had trouble sleeping, and being around the boys seemed to make it better, like a simple solution to her problems. At first, she tried spending nights without the other members, but it turned out to be the worst choice. She couldn't sleep, the walls felt like they were closing in on her, and she struggled to breathe. Anxiety and panic attacks became more frequent, with each one feeling even more unbearable. Sometimes, it felt as though someone was choking her, and she couldn't even wake up from it. Medicines didn't help; they only made things worse because she felt half-awake, able to hear and feel everything but trapped in her own body.
One day, Yoongi came home late after working on some projects. As he got ready for bed, he heard the girl crying hysterically and struggling to breathe. He was surprised that the other boys didn't hear her, but considering they were sound asleep with their snoring, it made sense. Desperate to help her, he tried to wake her up and called out to the other boys. Hoseok was the first to enter the room, followed by Jimin, who was half-awake but quickly became fully alert upon seeing the girl in distress. After a few minutes, everyone in the room was awake except for the two youngest boys. Uncertain about how to help her since she wasn't responding, they decided to call their manager, who promptly sent an ambulance.
The doctor explained to Jin that the girl had experienced sleep paralysis. He clarified that she was regaining awareness during her REM sleep, and her dreams felt so vivid that she was essentially hallucinating. Typically, people wake up when someone else tries to rouse them, but he expressed concern that this hadn't worked for her. He prescribed some medication to help her regain full consciousness but mentioned that they would need to wait until it took effect. At this moment, the best thing Jin could do was to stay close to her. He thought that talking might help soothe her, and indeed, it did.
Jin began to tell stories about what had happened that week, like Namjoon's clumsiness in the studio, breaking a chair, or the bickering between Jimin and Taehyung after they were picked up from school. He even shared that he had lost a game to Jungkook and had to treat the younger member to a full meal with extra meat. After what felt like hours, the girl finally woke up and cried her heart out, expressing her fear of being stuck in her body.
The doctor conducted some tests and concluded that the sleep medication she had taken had prevented her from waking up for the past few hours. He offered her different, less potent medication, but the girl declined, choosing instead to fall asleep each night next to one of the boys. She found peace in the presence of a member or a trusted person nearby, which allowed her to drift peacefully into the world of dreams. Some nights were still challenging, but they were no longer as intense as that one time.
°°°
*back to the Live*
"Hello," she started the live with a shaky voice, biting her lip to hold back tears as she recalled the concert from just a few hours ago. The constant stream of comments only made it more challenging, with thousands of remarks about how some ARMYs regretted trusting her or using offensive language to describe her for being with Taehyung.
"I... Where should I begin?" she thought, and then continued, "ARMY..." Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "ARMY, I'm here today to share something with you privately... Before I start, I hope you all understand how difficult this is for me. The respect that some of you may believe I don't have for you. I hope that after hearing what I have to say, some of you may reconsider your words. I never thought this day would come, and I'm not even sure if I'm ready to reveal this, but whether I'm ready or not, I don't have a choice. I know I'm an artist and many of you might think I don't deserve any privacy. I never say 'no' to any of you when you have questions or approach me on the streets or anywhere you may find me. But..." She took a deep breath, tears welling up in her eyes again. "But there's something I wanted to keep to myself and my closest loved ones. It's not something I'm proud of, nor is it something I wished for. Believe me, if I could pay to make it go away, I would give up everything I have." She paused, took another deep breath, and continued.
"As many ARMYs may already know, when BTS first debuted, I was going through a tough time. It was challenging to maintain the facade of laughter and smiles wherever I went or in front of the camera. I was around fifteen years old when we debuted, not much older. But at that age, I was forced to say goodbye to the person I loved the most in this universe. No one could replace the love I received from her; my mom was my biggest fan, even more than the boys," a sad smile crossed her face, and she shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. "As many of you may also know, that day, my sister and our PD-nim officially became my guardians. And I can already sense what's going through your minds now – 'Why is she saying all of this? We already know!' – but do you know? Do you truly know what happened? No, that's the correct answer."
"Where do I begin... After my mom was diagnosed with her illness, I feared her world would crumble. Her entire life was dedicated to serving others; she worked tirelessly. I can remember that when my sister and I came home from school, we always found fresh food on the table. My mom owned a bakery, a very popular one in our neighborhood. So popular that most of the time, she was sold out by lunch." The girl smiled as she thought about her youth, trying to recall the fresh bread smell every morning. "Everyone in the neighborhood knew her, and as beloved as she was, nobody could help her. My mom was terminally ill, although I didn't know it. She never spoke much about her illness. Even when I saw her, I could tell she wasn't feeling well, but it never crossed my mind that this might be the last time I'd see her. I still remember how she cherished the moments when the boys came over or cheered from the phone when we showed her our new dances or music. She was incredibly supportive, and all she asked was for us to become successful and enjoy every moment, which she said made her feel better. So that's what I did. I had a few wishes at that time, and one of them was for my mom to recover from her illness, not knowing any better. My sister, at that time, began pursuing her dreams, and I can recall how happy my mom was. Both her children were going to make it, she believed, and she praised us a lot."
The girl paused, her voice trailing off as happy memories flashed before her eyes. As usual, she tried to push them away because she knew the difficult times that followed.
"Following our dreams, my sister and I believed she was on the path to recovery. When I saw her, I thought her eyes were sparkling. I still want to believe that, but facing reality, her eyes glistened with tears. I believe it was happiness, but it was also mixed with pain, knowing that sooner or later, she would miss out on things." A tear finally slipped from the corner of her eye, surprising her that it didn't fall earlier.
"One day, we had a few days off, and the boys and I decided to visit our parents. I wanted to surprise my mother because I hadn't seen her for weeks, only a few times through FaceTime and briefly. She always had some excuse when I called her, but the truth was that she was having difficulty breathing on her own. She didn't want us to know, but that day, when I came home, I discovered everything. I walked into the living room, and my mother was on the floor, struggling to breathe for her life. I didn't know what to do, so I called an ambulance. In a panic, I threw my phone aside and tried to save my mom. I didn't know how to use an oxygen mask, but I put it on her mouth, hoping it would help. She was still breathing unevenly. For a moment, I thought I had saved her, but suddenly she lost consciousness. I thought the oxygen had stopped working. I was trembling," Nara began to shake her head, trying to block out the memories, even holding her breath. It took her a few seconds to remember that she was doing a livestream. "I was shaking her, screaming for her to wake up, but she didn't. My mom lost consciousness right before my eyes. Not much later, paramedics arrived at our house. They tried to help her, but one of them went through her medical records and found a document indicating that, regardless of what happened, her wish was not to be saved. She was a palliative patient, and her death was imminent. Saving her life at that moment would only make things worse for her. They removed the wires, and I didn't understand what they were doing. The next thing I heard was a single, loud, continuous beep. She was dying all that time, right before my eyes, with nobody helping her, nobody saving her."
Suddenly, the live comments section exploded. Watching the girl recount and reenact the distressing moments from that time was difficult for the viewers. It shattered hearts, not only for those watching on screens but also for those gathered outside. Nara had locked her door, knowing it would be a challenging live session, but she didn't want to stop. People wanted to know what had happened, and if they expected a heartwarming story, they were in for a shock. Her manager knew what to do in such situations, but Nara had given him strict instructions, especially concerning the boys. Regardless of what happened, she would end it when she was ready, not sooner or later. After shouting out the traumatic memory, the girl suddenly broke down. She bent over, taking several minutes to release her emotions through tears. She wasn't afraid to show how utterly shattered she was at that moment. This experience made her realize that she was still mourning her mom's death.
A few minutes passed before the youngest member collected herself. She took a sip from her water bottle and coughed. "After that day, I was a mess, but as you can see, I was good at hiding it. Am I proud of it? No, not at all, but it's my life. I know you all love and support us, but this was something I needed to deal with. Even the boys went through tough times with me. Sometimes, I look back and think I was too hard on them, but they are my family. I know that no matter what, they might scold me, but they will always be there with open arms, a shoulder to cry on, or they'll make terrible jokes just to make me smile. For my mom, the only thing I could do was fulfill her dream of seeing me succeed in what I love. The times I couldn't perform or couldn't give it my all, I hated myself more than anything else. It felt like I was disappointing her. So, I found ways to fill my days, but darkness was always just twelve hours away. Once it gets dark, anxiety takes control of my body, but the nightmares are the worst. Being trapped in your own body, not having control over your dreams, is the worst." Suddenly, the girl stopped talking and clutched her chest. Thinking about her dreams made her anxious. She took a few deep breaths, counting the seconds, and felt the tightness gradually recede.
"To ease the pain and feelings, I developed certain habits. One of them is sleeping with someone. It might sound childish to you, but having a nightmare alerts the boys, and they help me through it. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I'm taking away their sleep, but I know they'll scold me only for thinking like that."
"I consulted various specialists to see if anything could help. They even prescribed sleep medication, but it only made things worse. Doctors couldn't provide a clear diagnosis for what I've been going through for years. They talk about a sleep disorder, parasomnia resulting from trauma, but they aren't even sure if it's that. They believe it might improve over the years, but it still doesn't feel any better. I even spoke with trauma specialists, but when it gets too close, I tend to shut myself off from them. The only thing that has helped me is finding comfort with my fellow members, my sister, or even our manager." A strange chuckle escaped her lips, more a result of disbelief at her own words.
"Today's concert made me reflect on all of this. What would my mother think? Would she be disappointed that I've struggled like this? Or would she be proud that I'm following in her footsteps? A fighter who, behind the smiles, faces nightly hell. Whenever I'm alone, I see things I can't explain. I've tried to erase those images from my mind, but I'll never forget how my mother lay on the floor, dying right before my eyes in my arms." She fixed a determined gaze on the camera, sending shivers through anyone watching on Weverse. No one had expected this message, and just like three days ago, the Weverse live chat was filled with messages of regret.
"I'm tearing up."
"We love you, Nara, I'm so sorry... I can't even say how sorry I am. *let me cry for a moment please*"
"This is messed up, what... Like, seriously, what did I just watch? Which kind of K-drama is this?"
"It's hurtful to see your bae like that, some people have no respect."
"Why does she need to explain herself? What's wrong with some people?"
"This one really hurts!"
"WE PURPLE YOU NARA!"
"Those mean Bees, know your place."
....
She stared for a few seconds and closed the app. She didn't respond to any comments; she was way too tired for this. It felt as if her very soul had been drained by a Dementor, leaving her with the same emptiness her favorite actor felt, even if it was just in a movie. Closing her laptop, she stood up and unlocked her bedroom door.
She hoped to see the boys waiting for her, especially one member, her oldest oppa. Upon opening the door, she sought his eyes, and when their gazes finally met, she rushed into his open arms. "What you did was admirable," he comforted her while gently stroking her hair. A sob escaped her lips, and she felt the presence of the other boys. The solace they provided was beyond words. It was her haven, her family.
Everyone carries their past burdens in their backpack, but with the right people by your side, you can handle anything, she thought.
___________________
A/N: Wow! This chapter was quite challenging to write. I had promised to write a chapter about her sleep disorder and provide the reason why she experiences it. The story is based on one of my friend's experiences of losing her father. While she doesn't have the disorder, she frequently visits a therapist to talk about the things that happened. She was only five when this happened but still carries a lot of emotional baggage with her. I can only hope and pray that everything will eventually settle down for her.
For anyone out there who has lost someone and still misses them, my uncle once told me, "If you cry for that person who's gone, know that it means you loved them deeply!" It's a phrase that I will forever hold in my heart, just like the memories of those who are watching me grow up, very high above there. Love you all and take care! Sending big hugs and kisses. - Charlie.