A/N: so, this was requested by Merrytwinketoes And it's set after CK (Matty boo is alive don't worry) so lmk if you hate it but I tried. I'm supposed to be on a break, but I'm trying to get back to writing (I feel bad bc I'm not writing) if you requested things and I didn't do it plz just recomment it plz tysm
Kaz was just walking through the streets. His streets. Looking on the people and deciding a new con. There was always opportunity in these streets. The Razorgulls were quiet, the BlackTips were scattered, and the Dime Lions we're non-existent by now. He wandered in the busy streets, his iconic cane and piercing gaze split the crowd easily.
He passed the street he swore he'd never see again. The alley where he'd huddled close to Jordie, so close.
He clenched his crow's head, the lightly squeaking leather bringing him back. Whispers flew all around him like cackling pigeons, half of them were Jordie's voice. Taunting him, just the usual words and insults of course.
He turned, oddly enough he saw a man infront of Hertzoon's old shop.
Dark hair fell over the man's face. Features not unlike the ghost that followed Kaz around.
Dirtyhands scoffed. He was used to seeing ghosts now a days. Delusions were common when he went this long without sleep. Probably just another figment of his mind. One he didn't have time for.
He made his way past the man. Trying to speed on to Wylan's mansion, he was supposed to meet them for Inej's welcome home dinner, but he was planning to be early. Pick a lock or two to get in-
"Excuse me sir!" A voice called from behind him.
That tone. That voice. Aged, but it still haunted his nightmares and crawled through his sleepless midnights. That voice was the maggots beneath his skin when anybody got close.
Kaz turned on his heel. If you asked Dirtyhands, even he didn't know why he'd turned. But he did, to face the eyes he'd prayed to forget.
"Hi, my name is Jordan Rietveld." Jordie was always so expressive in the face, just like old times. "I'm looking for a Jacob Hertzoon, have you met him? Probably here a few years ago?"
Kaz took a measured breath, just like Nina had taught him for these type of moments. What had she called it? Anxiety? Kaz didn't have anxiety or whatever, that would make him weak.
He cleared his throat, squaring his shoulders, and taking a reassuring grip on his cane replied. "No, there is no man here with the name Jacob Hertzoon. Sorry for the inconvenience-"
"I'm sorry, do I know you from somewhere?"
Did his own brother not recognize him?
A voice of sunlight and fresh cut hay fields. "Did you ever live in Lij? I don't know, this is really sending me for a trip." Only Jordie knew that sort of odd slang, the kind nobody else said but somehow he made it seem casual any way. Like it was common, like everything was easy.
The cold indifference spread through Kaz, freezing any panic or emotion in place.
The voice of a long dead child flitted through his kind. He could remind him. He could get his brother back. He could have Jordie back in his life. He could be like he used to be. Show the crows who he used to be. Just like old times.
"Hey man, you okay?" A hand reached towards him and brushed Kaz's clenched hand, the one not on his cane, and a thumb brushed his wrist.
His open wrist.
The emotional shut-off was overrided by the immediate panic. His breathing stopped, his lungs refusing to cooperate. Bodies. Bodies everywhere. His body was underneath him rotting and sloughing off in chunks-
Kaz lashed out. Jordie's gentle hand was away with a crack, the cruel crow's head finding it's place. The familiar violence nestled its way into Kaz's marrow nicely. Like an old friend easing the panic. With a few easy twists, the crow cane found its place against Jordie's chest. The elder Rietveld was now lying on the street, people were staring now.
"Dirtyhands," Jordan whispered under his breath.
That's how his own brother could recognize him? By his feared street name? Nothing else? Nothing about nights spent in golden fields? Nothing about riding to town for the little candies they loved?
Of course not. Kaz chided himself for ever having hope.
How could anyone recognize Kazimir Rietveld under the monster he'd become?
"You should go back to Lij, Mr.Rietveld." Kaz's rasp didn't waver, and if he didn't know any better, he'd say something like recognition flashes in Jordie's eyes.
But Kaz didn't linger to check, he hobbled himself away. Cradling his wrist to his chest, he could almost still feel the thumb print Jordie left. He could almost pretend he could stand the feeling of his skin on his own. He just needed to get away. Away. Away. Away from Jordie. Away from the memories. Saints above, away from it all.
He needed his crows.
He didn't listen for the bells, time was a lucid dream right now. He was split in three parts. A part of him running through field with his older brother. A second part was stuck in that alley, struggling to breath, struggling to think past the feverish haze of death. And the third was trying to shut it all down, like an off switch on his pain.
He didn't bother knocking, or even picking the lock. Wylan's door was unlocked, the maid stared at a distraught Dirtyhands with complete shock, but let him through. As soon as he crossed the doorway, he felt a familiar switch in his soul. Finally, he could be numb.
He stumbled through the door, his bad knee throbbing from walking so fast and so far. He nearly tripped but righted himself, just moving towards the living room. Kaz tried to calm his heart, measure his steps better, and eventually found the rhythm with his cane. He just needed his crows. And he needed them to be okay. He needed them to think everything was okay.
Shit. He needed to think. They would still be in the dining room. That's where he heard the noise coming from, he turned and started towards the dining room instead.
All the crows were gathered around Wylan's dining room table. Inej, bless her thousand times over, was the first to look up, and simply beamed. She smiled, and he would hang her smile right next to her laugh if he could. Wasted. That's what he wanted to be off her smile.
"Kaz? Everything alright?" Nina asked slowly. Matthias next to her was studying the Barrel Boss.
Kaz simply nodded, he didn't trust himself to speak.
Brekker sat down at the head of the table, trying to seem poised as usual. Wylan was across from him, at the other end, Nina and Matthias were paired to his left, and Inej and Jesper were to his right. He had to seem poised, perfect as usual. As if his heart wasn't racing. As if a part of him wasn't dying that his brother didn't recognize him. How had he changed so much that his own flesh and blood didn't know him? Should he feel shame? Should he feel regret? He didn't feel anything right now.
Kaz's reaction was always easy, it was cold and indifferent. That's what he needed to be right now, that's what his crows expected of him.
"What kept you so long? Business at the Crow Club?" Curse Jesper's curiosity. Kaz just left his plate empty. One of the maid's brought Kaz a glass of kvas, and he nodded, the woman knew Kaz's usual by now like a bartender.
Instead of prying, the crows simply fell into another ease of conversation. Talking about Inej's exploits at sea, Nina's adventures in Ravka, and Wylan's newest business deals. It was a common lull that helped Kaz's mind drift. His brain still was pounding the same message into his mind. Jordie was in his city. Jordie was in his city. And hadn't seen his brother in-front of him, he's only seen Dirtyhands.
"I had a man approach me the other day actually," Wylan began, intently staring at a zoned out Kaz. "He told me his name was Jordan Rietveld, and he wanted to join me in a business deal."
Before he could stop himself, Kaz snorted his kvas and replied: "What's he want to do? Sell his farm away? Kill his brother again?"
The conversation stopped, all eyes were on the Barrel Boss, but he was still somewhere else.
Inej's voice was light, gentle almost. "Kaz?"
Dirtyhands continues to stare into nothing.
"Do you know this man? Mr.Rietveld?" Niña asked, he voice nearly as gentle as Inej's.
"He didn't even recognize me." Kaz's voice was small. As if he was a child again.
"Who?" This time it was Matthias who asked.
Kaz's dry laugh was bordering hysteria. He was shaking now, when had he started shaking?"You'd think someone would recognize the brother they'd left to die."
Jesper leaned forward, eyeing Kaz's distant face with pity. It wasn't a question, it was a statement that came next."Jordie is a nickname for Jordan. Isn't it."
Kaz nodded. The emotions threatened to bubble over and he couldn't take it. He needed to get away. He needed them off again. He just needed something but he didn't know what.
Inej's hand inched over the tablecloth, her fingers hovering over his gloved hand.
"Kaz, did something happen?"
"It doesn't matter."
"For Saint's sake, just tell us," Nina's voice was serious, deadly so. "I can feel your heart racing. Come on. We want to help Kaz."
He took a deep breath. "My name is Kazimir Rietveld. Jordan Rietveld was my brother. They were two farm boys who came to Ketterdam, got conned by Rollins, and lived on the plague ridden streets until they were shipped to the Reaper's Barge. One of us used the other's supposedly dead body to swim to shore." He didn't stop his story to see the horrified faces around the table. But he put his elbows on the table, holding his head in his hands to almost painfully pull at his hair.
His rasp was low, almost frantic."And he was dead. I remember. He was dead. His skin came off on my hands. A-And I saw him today. H-He was outside the old alley a-and he s-saw me and asked for help but he didn't recognize me. He touched my wrist so I used my cane to smack him but h-he didn't recognize me."
He paused. Letting the words pour out of him like the Harbor's rancid waves.
"How much of a monster do I have to be that my own fucking brother doesn't recognize me??"
Nina's voice was suddenly next to him. "Breathe Brekker."
He didn't know he was hyperventilating till she was kneeling by his chair. Inej had a pair of Kaz's own gloves on, probably an extra she had with her, and gently pried his hands away from his aching scalp. Carefully, she wiped his tears away, and even hugged him. Making sure of no skin to skin contact.
After a few moments, she thankfully didn't pull away. The pressure was oddly welcome against his chest. All of the crows were closer now, and Jesper's kind voice whispered.
"You're not a monster Kaz."
"Yes I am." He choked out.
"You are many things Demjin but Monster is not that same as demon," Matthias's religious choir boy was showing. "And even if you're a demon, your the one that saves not harms."
Kaz just stayed silent, burying his head in Inej's shoulder.
"Come on, what do you say to a bit of kvas and games?" Wylan asked holding half a bottle of kvas up for Kaz to see.
"It'll make you feel better..." Nina said in a sing-song voice.
"No it won't." Kaz's rasp sounded defeated, and the crows noticeably sagged at that.
"Fine," Jesper pouted. "It won't make you feel better, but it'll make the rest of our emotionally inept asses feel better!!"
Kaz let out a bark of a genuine laugh, and let Inej drag him up from his chair.
Maybe he couldn't be the boy he was. Maybe he couldn't even get over some of the things in his past.
But maybe he didn't need to.
Because he had his crows to help him through it all.
A/N: I hope this is to y'all standards. Getting back into writing is hard. I'm going to try and edit this a bit but lmk if y'all completely despise it 💀💀💀
Tysm for reading!! Please repeat any requests I haven't done-
Here—————->
And new requests here ——————>