13th February 2023
I was at home. Not Manchester. Real home. Trondheim. Life had fallen to pieces. I had fallen to pieces. My life was crumbling in my hands. It felt as if everything had gone wrong. And it was my fault. It was always my fault. I was bailed when things got hard. I always left when I could no longer handle it.
I told Hege I wouldn't be at camp this break, for 'family reasons'. I wasn't sure if I was ever going back to Manchester. I wasn't sure if I would ever show my face in that city again.
I soon had a message.
Ona: Eva, please answer me.
I checked my phone. 23 missed calls. Fuck.
11th February 2023
I woke up, with Ona beside me, the morning of my game against Arsenal. This time it would be at home, in our stadium, which was nice, but I knew we had to win. There was no other way about it. We couldn't lose to Arsenal twice in the span of four days. That wasn't possible. I wasn't going to let it happen.
The previous evening, Ona told me all about her plans. All about her plans for both of us to leave Manchester. She told me that all these clubs wanted me, and her. They wanted me, so they could also get her. I played along with it, acting excited, but in reality, I felt shitty. I felt as if they only wanted me so they could get one of the best defenders. I wasn't a pawn, used in their stupid little game. Tears filled my eyes, and although I played them off as happy tears, in reality, I felt myself slowly closing up.
I tried to ignore my thoughts, and intrusions that were infiltrating my brain, but it was getting difficult. It was all getting difficult.
I left Ona asleep in my bed, as I made my way to the stadium. I would normally kiss her goodbye, but this morning, I didn't. It wasn't purposefully done, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to breathe again. I wasn't breathing.
When I arrived at the ground, I walked straight into the locker room. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't say hi. I just sat at my locker, focusing on one thing at a time.
Mind the cracks.
Count the laces.
Don't touch anyone.
Fuck. Why was I thinking like this again?
I reached for my bag, trying to find my pills that I had forgotten to take in the morning.
"Shit," I said to myself. The packet was empty. There were none left.
"You okay?" Hayley asked, sitting beside me.
"Yeah," I replied, straight away, not wanting to be annoying, and also wanting to be left alone, even by Hayley.
"You sure? Ev, I can-"
"Hayley!" I said, cutting her off, "I'm fine." She looked at me, slightly shocked, and obviously worried.
Hayley's POV
I was worried. Very worried. She snapped. Eva never snaps. Something was up. Something was wrong. That girl's brain works fast, but her heart normally works faster. But today- today something was different.
Something was wrong. But there wasn't anything I could do. The only person that could do anything was the one girl she trusted more than anyone. Ona Batlle.
Eva's POV
No one could change how I felt at that moment. Not Hayley. Not Ellie. Not Alanna. Not myself. I felt isolated. I felt alone. I knew I wasn't. But I was.
But I had to keep going. I had a game to play in. I had been playing in every game, hardly being rested as our midfield was struggling. Since losing Keira, Georgia and Caroline, our midfield had been struggling. So, I was there to always try to pick up the pieces, and bring together a failing midfield. For the most part, it worked. But that also meant I was extremely overplayed, as we had no other strong options.
I was tired. I was over it.
As I walked out, Frida looked at me, from her line, sending over a soft smile. But I couldn't return it. I couldn't return a smile. No smile was forming.
We started the game, and we scored within the first five minutes. I passed the ball to Lauren, who shot, getting the ball into the back of the net.
Similarly, at the end of the half, Chloe scored as well, putting us up 2-0 in the first 45 minutes.
Although Arsenal got one back, we had won. We got the three points, helping us in the league, something we needed desperately.
After the match, Frida came over to me.
"You okay?" she asked. I looked at her, not knowing whether to be honest or not. I chose against it.
"Yeah," I replied. "I'm good."
"FRIDA!" Tippah called.
"What?" she asked.
"WE'RE GOING IN," Tippah replied. Frida turned to me.
"I've got to go," she said.
"Go," I replied, looking at her. "I'm okay." Frida looked at me, before leaning across to pat my shoulder, but I moved away. She looked at me, confused. She was about to speak when another person called out.
"FRIDS!" Leah Williamson called. "Come on!" Frida sighed, before moving off. I watched her go back underneath the tunnel, Leah on one side of her and Tippah on the other. I sighed, before heading back underneath myself.
I made my way home, but as I sat in my car, I couldn't go inside. I couldn't brace myself doing it. I had to pretend as if everything was okay, when it wasn't.
But I didn't know why. I didn't know why it felt wrong. It just did. There were no words to explain it.
As I sat in my car, I heard two knocks, on my window. It was her. It was Ona.
I love her. I love her. I love her, I said to myself, trying to remind myself of the past few years. I got out of the car, and smiled at her, trying to pretend.
"What were you doing?" she asked, leaning in for a hug, but I couldn't.
"Just thinking," I replied.
"Oh," she answered.
"Come on," I said, going inside our apartment unit.
I avoided her the rest of the night. I pretended I was asleep. I slept on the edge of the bed.
The next morning, she had to leave, as she was travelling down to London as she was coming up against Tottenham. As she travelled down there, I got bad. I couldn't get out of bed, because if I did, I thought life would fall apart, more so than it already had. I couldn't understand anything.
Was the world ending?
Was my life ending?
Why the fuck does my brain do this?
Something fucking good was going to happen and I ruined it for myself. My brain is ruining it for myself.
I couldn't sit here. I couldn't sit here idling as my brain fell apart.
I knew what I had to do. I knew the only thing I could do.
I grabbed a pen, and paper, before packing my bag.
Ona,
I love you. I promise you that. I do.
But, I have to go. I have to leave. My brain, it's not working. Life isn't working. Don't come after me. Let me sort this out.
Let me sort my brain out.
I'm sorry for being a burden. I'm sorry for ruining this. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much more than me.
Eva.
I left the note on the kitchen table, before rushing off the airport. I checked the score for the United game; they won, 2-1.
I breathed a sigh of relief, and got on the plane, turning my phone off. It wasn't going back on until later. I needed to be relieved.
As I looked out the window, I already felt calmer.
I was going home. I was going to Trondheim. It was exactly what I needed... right?
note:
- okay... pausing now ;)
- next story will be announced shortly
- don't worry, this story is not finished. just have to let reality catch up!!!