Drew had to admit he deserved the ten minutes Christie spent cussing him out in various languages before bursting into tears and crushing him so tightly to her chest he was worried his lungs would collapse.
"-do anything like that ever again and I swear to God I will burn your computer and scatter the ashes!" she threatened, stroking his hair.
"Lovely, Mama," he said, wheezing slightly as he tapped on her arm, "please let me go; I can't breathe."
She let him go reluctantly, reaching out to ruffle his hair once more. Then she bent down, dropping her voice so that Kai, who was standing awkwardly by the counter twiddling his thumbs, couldn't hear. "Please do something about Blake. He wouldn't come out of your room even when I bribed him with cookies."
Drew sighed, "Okay. Honestly, I still wanna step on Aaron's face right now. Can't believe I didn't."
Christie snorted. "Missed opportunity. Now shoo!"
Drew let out a manly squeak when she swatted his rear end and jumped away. "I'm going, I'm going! Bye, Kai, thanks for taking me home."
"Bye," Kai said, nodding and giving a flick of his hand, playing the suave lover card.
He slowly turned to Christie, "I'll just... see myself out then...."
Christie smiled oh, so pleasantly. "Oh no, no! Why don't you have a cookie? As thanks for taking my baby home, of course."
Kai started sweating nervously. "Um, thanks."
She handed him a chocolate chip cookie. "So Kai." Why was there a frankly malicious gleam in her eye? "Let's have a chat."
Oh, sweet mother of Mary.
***
Drew rapped lightly on the door, "Blake? Hon, you okay?"
A mumbled "dieeeeeeee" came from within the room.
Drew sighed deeply and was just about to leave when he stopped suddenly. "Wait, what the fuck am I doing, this is my room!" He kicked the door open-gently of course; nobody wants to pay for that shit-and walked into the room.
Blake was face down in the middle of Drew's bed, starfish style. He weakly lifted a finger in protest of the sudden intrusion but offered no resistance when Drew bounced onto the bed next to him. Drew slapped his ass heartily, "You alright?"
"Hnnnnnngggg...."
"I'll take that as a no." Drew rolled his eyes. "Okay, upsie-daisies!" He slid his arms under Blake's underarms and attempted to drag him out of bed, only succeeding in collapsing under Blake's weight and sending them both crashing to the floor. "This went better in my head," Drew wheezed, shoving Blake's lifeless body off him. "Dear God, man. Do you need some fucking ice-cream?"
"I'd prefer a gun, a shovel, and an alibi," was the garbled response.
Drew blinked for a few seconds. "Well, that's more than you've spoken for the past day and I think you're not crying anymore, so I do declare we're making progress!"
"Goddammit, Drew, leave me alone to die."
"Ahhh, no. Besides I already beat some sense into Aaron and he's very sorry, so can you maybe eat some toast or something before you wither away?"
Blake was up in a flash, suddenly very, very close to Drew's face. "What?"
"I said you should eat some toast before you-"
"No, you idiot, what did you do to he-who-shall-not-be-named?"
"Was that a Harry Potter reference?" Drew muttered. "Have you been on Tumblr? Dammit, there better not be any freaky porn on my dash now."
"Drew," Blake said. His voice cracked, and Drew noticed his red-rimmed eyes and dry lips.
"Nothing. I didn't do anything to him," Drew said, shoving his lower lip out. "Lemme get you some water."
Blake just leaned against the bed. "I'm never fucking dating again. This sucks."
"Babe, it gets better," Drew said, patting his cheek. He stood up, wincing as he knocked his knee against the bedframe. "Be right back."
After nearly falling down the stairs twice, Drew stumbled into the kitchen where a very odd sight greeted him. Kai, who he thought would have left by now, was sitting at the dining room table, the only light on in the kitchen shining on him. Christie was leaning on the table, elbows resting on the table and hands laced together. She very well could have been interrogating a prisoner.
Kai looked very, very, very scared.
Drew froze. "Uh, everything... okay here?"
"Fine, baby!" Christie chirped. "Just having a nice little chat with Kai here! Did you know he's been in three school plays?"
"Uh, no," Drew said slowly, mouthing 'Do I need to call the cops?' to Kai behind his mom's back.
"Well, I think we're all done here, Kai. Feel free to pop by anytime! Have a cookie," Christie said, offering Kai what seemed to him about the eight hundredth cookie (every time he gave an answer to one of her Drill Sergeant question she deemed satisfactory he was offered a cookie).
He was about to politely decline when he saw Drew frantically mouthing 'Take the damn cookie!' "Uh, sure, thanks, Mrs. Christie," he said, taking the cookie from her.
She smiled. "Such a nice boy. Appreciates my cooking, he does. Take a few tips from him, Drew!"
"Water," Drew said and walked stiffly over to the cupboard, filling a glass with water before marching out of the room again.
Kai had been inching towards the door while Christie was talking to Drew but stopped as soon as she turned back towards him. "You're free to go," Christie said, waving towards the door. "Just remember what I said, okay?"
"Yes, ma'am," Kai said, nodding obediently. Holy fuck the woman was scary when she wanted to be. Then he made a break for the door before the woman could change her mind and drag him back into hell for round two with the devil.
Christie waved pleasantly, "Have a good day!"
Thus the lion releases the poor lamb.
***
Drew had to almost force the water down Blake's throat before the limp noodle of a person finally sat up straight and took the glass, downing it in one go.
"There you go. Feel better?" Drew patted his shoulder.
"Little bit," Blake said, flicking his tongue over his dry lips.
"Ew, don't do that. You'll make them worse. Let me get you some more water," Drew offered.
"Nah, it's fine. I'll get it myself," Blake said, standing up with the glass in hand.
"Wow! Actually leaving the room? Somebody call the local news and the fire department!"
Blake flipped him off as he left the room.
Seconds later he came skidding back and slammed the door with what looked like cookie crumbs in his hair. "The woman's a beast!" he gasped as he dove into the middle of Drew's bed.
"Who? Mama?"
"Yes! She saw me and tried to shove cookies down my throat! Like fifty of them! Where'd she even get that many cookies?"
Drew rolled his eyes. "What can I say? The lady loves baking. And sugar. And force-feeding sugary baked goods to her poor child." He shuddered, remembering the first time Christie discovered how to make strawberry short cake. There's probably still left over cake somewhere deep in the refrigerator, along with the lettuce that's grown its own ecosystem.
"Your mother is terrifying."
"Don't I know it," Drew mumbled. "She's great, but damn you don't want to get on her bad side. I'm pretty sure she'd still spank me even though I'm half way from seventeen to eighteen."
Blake snorted, and Drew was grateful for the short burst of merriment. Hey, if Blake could laugh, that meant he was feeling a bit of happiness, right?
Blake lay down on his back, arms out spread as he stared at the ceiling. "You know what?"
"What?"
"I think this is what's best right now. I'm gonna go to my damn college, get the best freaking education, become a billionaire, and shove it in Aaron's face. Life goals made."
Drew laughed, "Yeah! Yeah, you do that. Go Blake. Stick it to him."
"Who needs him anyways? I got this." Blake rolled over onto his front, head hanging off the side of the bed. "I obviously wasn't ready to date, and I know that now." All of a sudden he sat up right. "Fucking hell!"
"Eh?"
"I left my freaking ring on the bathroom floor. Shit costs a fortune!" Blake swore and scrambled around for his phone. He punched in a few numbers and brought it up to his ear. "Aaron? Hey, do you have my ring? I think I dropped it on the floor when... yeah. Did you happen to pick it up? You did? Thank goodness. Can I get it from you tomorrow? Fine. Fine. Okay, see you then."
Blake fell back down. "He wants to meet me and chat for a bit. Something about figuring us out, the toad."
Drew groaned.
How was he supposed to figure out his own shit if his friends couldn't figure out theirs?