I kept the pace up as we walked back to the hide out and Kuina. Arisu and Usagi were walking a bit behind us. I could barely see them in the dark, but could hear them discussing something, rather heatedly it sounded like, but I could not make out the words. Not that I really cared, not right now.
'You know,' I said to Chishiya who was walking silently next to me, 'it was never really clear to me whether you and Kuina were lovers or not. But, you know I like her, and I don't want to cause her any pain. So if you were, we don't have to tell her exactly how we won the game.'
He gave me a puzzled look, 'Don't worry about it. We can tell her.'
We were almost back at our temporary home when she came out to greet us.
'You're back. I saw the airship go down, so I knew you made it. Are you hurt?' she asked, sounding a bit worried.
'No, no. We're fine. All of us,' I told her.
Then she noticed the other two behind us, 'Arisu. Usagi. You guys are here too,' she squealed as she ran over to hug them with her uninjured arm.
Once inside we all sat down for a while. 'So, were you guys in the game together? The King of hearts?' Kuina asked. 'Was it as bad as you thought?'
I nodded, still feeling numb and oddly emotional at the same time. 'Worse,' I said quietly, 'much worse.'
'Well, it didn't have to end that way, did it? All those people could have survived,' Usagi said angrily, and Arisu tried to say something to calm her down. It didn't work.
'She killed like twenty people,' Usagi continued pointing an accusing finger at me. 'To save him. Him!' Her finger moved to Chishiya who was sitting quietly next to Arisu.
'What do you mean?' Kuina asked, stunned at the hostility in the other girl's voice. 'What really happened in the game?' She looked questioningly at all of us. Chishiya got up and sat down next to her instead, talking quietly but quickly to fill her in.
Arisu started to say something but I interrupted him and turned to Usagi.
'Yes, I saved him. And you. And Arisu. Made sure the King died. It was the right choice.'
She shook her head furiously, and I remembered how she had held the body of that young girl in the yellow dress, and I could only guess at the things she had witnessed before that.
'No,' she argued, 'saving all of them would have been the right thing to do. Not him. Do you even know what he has done? What he is capable of?'
Again I wondered what had happened between them at the Beach, they had seemed to be on friendly terms when I left.
'Do you take me for a fool? I have no illusions about him,' I snapped at her.
I was getting more annoyed by the second, and the mix of unfamiliar emotions brewing inside me did nothing to improve my mood. Damn it, why couldn't I control them? I had to pull myself together, fast. I closed my eyes, but the images from the game still too vivid in my mind did not help at all. I tried pressing at my temples to shut out the pictures and sounds my mind was busy replaying for me.
'And if it had been up to you?' I asked in a more reasonable tone of voice. 'Would you have chosen any different? I'm sure you'd have sacrificed Chishiya in a heartbeat, but would you have killed Arisu to save them? The one you care about? I think not.' She glanced guiltily in his direction, not answering. 'I didn't think so,' I muttered.
'Anyway it doesn't matter what you would have done. The decision was mine, and any consequences are mine to bear. Mine. Not yours. And definitely not his', I said softly, looking at Chishiya. 'Whatever he did to you in the past, you can't hold him responsible for what happened tonight.'
'It is as it is. We need to end this. End all the games.' Arisu said as he came over and sat down next to her. 'Everyone here is still alive, and that's all that matters.' He placed his arm around her shoulder and repeated, 'That's all that matters right now.'
Usagi still didn't seem convinced, but her face softened and she leaned against him.
Leaving Arisu to reason with her, I considered joining Chishiya and Kuina on the other couch, listening to him recount the game in a nice logical way might help calm me down, I thought. Then again, certain parts of it I might not be ready for right now. I decided that tea would be a good thing, and headed to the kitchen area of the room. I had just poured water in the pot, and was searching for the matches when I heard Kuina exclaim,
'Wait, what? You fucked her? In the game? Seriously?'
She stared between us, mouth half open. I couldn't hear what he answered, but squirming under the looks from the other three I cowardly decided that fresh air was more important than tea right now, and quickly slipped out onto the terrace. I found a part of the low fence that had not yet been overgrown and leaned against it. It felt cold and smooth to the touch, everything was blessedly silent, and I took a deep breath. It was time to get rid of these unwanted feelings and go back to normal.
I had calmed down somewhat when Chishiya joined me.
'So, why did you really chose to save me?' he asked softly, leaning casually against the fence right next to me. 'Not that I'm complaining. I'm convinced you made the right choice.'
'You heard the reasons I gave the others, no?' I said, all the emotions flaring up in me again. Damn it.
'And are those the true reasons? Or just something you said to convince them that you were right?' He was standing way too close, and his voice was way too soft and reasonable.
'Because...' I hesitated. What should I tell him? The truth? I had once promised never to lie to him, and right now I cursed my flair for the dramatic that had prompted me to so. But still, this was not the kind of situation I had in mind when I made that promise.
'Because I'm a very selfish person,' I whispered finally. 'Selfish and manipulative. Not what most people would consider a nice person.'
'Well, I won't hold that against you, you know,' he smiled at my surprised look. 'That's been clear to me ever since we met. And, believe it or not, I've been accused of having those qualities as well.'
'You don't say,' I chuckled, but couldn't bear looking him in the eyes, so instead my eyes came to rest on his lips, which might have been another mistake.
'Besides, we have a much greater chance of surviving if you're with us. Not just surviving. Winning,' I smiled nervously, trying to blink away the tears suddenly streaming from my eyes. 'You are probably the most intelligent man I've ever met. Definitely the most fascinating. So killing you would be pretty stupid.'
Sickened by the thought of how weak and emotional I must look to him right now, I might as well go all the way and tell him the truth. If only I could get the crying under control. Then maybe it would be easier. Finally I gathered the courage to look him in the eyes, and tell him how I had felt. How I still felt about him.
'So, the main reason, the real reason is simply that the thought of losing you, of being in this world without you, being in any world without you is surprisingly painful. Unbearable even.'
We both stood quiet for a few long seconds after that.
'It's ok,' he said softly, his eyes a mystery. 'I know you love me. I've watched you struggle with it for some time now. Is this the first time you admitted it to yourself?'
He knew? For a second I felt mortified. Well, knowing him I should have realized that of course he'd noticed. I felt that treacherous blush creep up my face again as I nodded.
'Yeah, I think so. I was too afraid before.'
'I must confess I've come to care for you as well,' he admitted. 'Perhaps that is foolish of me, I did not expect it to happen, didn't even think it was possible for me.' He looked away for a second, 'You know, to me being in love seemed a pretty stupid thing. I never really wanted to understand the hearts of others in any way.'
'Perhaps you misunderstand yourself?' I said carefully, 'I'd say that you know almost everything there is to to know about the hearts of others, you are the best judge of character I've ever met. You just never used it the way most people would consider the right way. Or even the usual way.' I was making a mess of this, I thought, trying to think of a better example I said, 'You know, most people would think that saving you instead of those people, was the wrong thing to do. They'd be wrong. Most people often are.'
He looked dubiously at me, but I continued, 'I'm convinced you'll find a way to bring your ideals back to life. I don't believe you've truly lost them, they're just lying dormant. In here.' I placed a hand on his chest, just over his heart.
'Perhaps,' he said, not sounding convinced, but I continued.
'As for the emptiness, I too know it all too well. You know, I have all these people, all these worlds that I carry around in here,' I tapped the side of my head. 'but I've always suspected that the only reason I can keep all of them inside of me, is because I lost the real me long ago. That I'm nothing more than a hollow husk. That my true essence is long gone, if it was ever there. People tell me how they love a character, or a world that I wrote. They are alive, even loved, but me, I'm invisible. Never able to love or to be loved. Not real. Barely alive. And I've always feared that others can sense this hollowness in me.'
'I get it,' Chishiya said. 'Everybody wants to be seen for who they really are.'
'It seems,' I said quietly, after giving it some thought, 'that perhaps we have both been wrong about a few things.'
He didn't answer, but reached out and pulled me closer to him. I gently stroked some hair away from his cheek, and then we kissed, standing together for a long time.
– – – – –
Despite the tension after the King of hearts game, the others decided to stay with us. There was safety in numbers after all, and the affection everybody felt for Kuina somehow glued us all together, making us overcome our differences. A bit of exploring turned up an additional "bedroom", making the whole arrangement more comfortable, as well as giving me and Chishiya some privacy as we tentatively accepted our feelings for each other.
Chishiya kept treating Kuina's arm, and it was healing surprisingly well. There were many stories shared as well as debates about whether we should attempt the Queen of clubs, and hopefully meet Ann there. But most of us were content to wait for a few more days, letting everybody regain their strength.
An uneventful week passed, until the brutal world decided it was time to break our comfortable little bubble.
– – – – –
The King of spades and the carnage that followed him had finally found us, or at least found our neighborhood. What had started with the sound of cars in the distance had quickly escalated, the King's floating banner came closer, as did he and his arsenal of weapons. For some reason they turned straight towards the building we were staying in, and we barely had time to get out before one of the cars crashed into it. Dazed players tumbled out from the car only to be gunned down.
Like a villain in some superhero movie, the black king walked slowly, almost arrogantly down the streets, pointing and firing his assault rifle at anything that moved, his long black coat dramatically fanning out around him.
I looked around, Chishiya was crouched down behind a car not far from me. Our mad dash to get away and find a hiding place had sent us all running in different directions, and I had no idea where Kuina, Arisu and Usagi had gone. He pointed towards a narrow alley, a couple of buildings away, and I nodded.
Carefully peeking out to see where the King was, we waited until he was busy chasing a small group of players, and then made a run for it. Or rather, I made a run for it. Whatever Chishiya was doing couldn't really be called running; he sort of trotted along, hands deep in his pockets, eyes locked on the ground right in front of him. Although he looked adorable shuffling along like that, it was not much faster than his normal walking speed. I rolled my eyes at him, waving my arm to try to get him to move faster.
Nevertheless we made it into the alley, and followed it as far as we could, then we simply turned in the opposite of the direction the last King was in and kept going until there was a good distance between us. Finally we came to an open area, surrounded by different structures. Most looked like they had been normal office buildings, but one enormous pile of rubble that looked like it had been cracked down the middle caught my interest.
'What on earth is that? Or was, I suppose?' I asked, pointing towards it. Chishiya looked around, trying to get his bearings.
'Some sort of sports stadium I believe,' he answered, looking at the barely recognizable heap of broken walls and boulders.
'Do you think it's safe?' I asked, 'I mean it looks like they dropped a bomb on it, but there might be vending machines or something still in there.' I was getting really thirsty, and I missed our old hoard back in our hide out. Well that was gone now, I thought. Tough luck.
He nodded, 'Let's go and take a look,' he agreed.
When we came closer we saw smoke, or steam seep out of the big cracks in the building, and I wrinkled my nose as the distinct smell of sulfur that greeted us. We carefully made our way inside and soon we saw the source of both the steam and the smell.
'A hot spring,' I squealed happily running towards it. 'A bit too hot, but manageable,' I announced after having dipped my hand in the water.
'Seems perfect over here,' Chishiya said trying the water a bit further away. 'But we were looking for food, not a bath, right?'
'You're right, but...' I could hear the eagerness in my voice as I longingly looked at the steaming water.
He laughed. 'You know, I've never seen you look so greedy at anything before. Not even when you're looking at me...'
He laughed again as I guiltily turned around, blushing, 'But...'
'Come on, let's explore first,' he suggested, 'Your bath isn't going anywhere.' Touching the water once more, I sighed and stood up. 'Ok, lead the way.'
In the end we were partly successful and found two vending machines that had been crushed under a part of the ceiling when it had caved in. Most of their contents had been crushed with them, but we managed to dig out a few bottles with flavored water that had survived, as well as some now lukewarm, iced coffee. No food though, but I was still pretty exited about our findings as we carried our loot back to the hot spring.
I kicked of my shoes and socks on the way down to the water, and pulled off my tank top as well, then reached behind my back to undo my bra. When it fell to the ground I suddenly felt shy, and covered my breasts with my hands as I turned around to see what Chishiya was doing. Even if we had made love many times now, we had actually never undressed in front of each other, I realized and I felt my cheeks turn red and warm. He still had his pants on as well, and was watching me with that little half smile that always drove me crazy. Pausing to remove his shoes, he then walked towards me, took my hands and placed them on his chest instead.
'You're beautiful,' he whispered, then he grinned, let go of my hands and said, 'Race you to the water.' His pants came off in a second, and before I could react he was halfway there.
'Hey,' I shouted, 'that's cheating,' as I also pulled mine off and quickly followed him.
Chishiya kept his back to me until I had gotten in, then turned around as I slid my arms around his neck. 'Oh, this is so good,' I said sinking deeper into the steaming water, until my nose was barely above the surface. I could feel my muscles starting to relax, and I wished I had a loofah or something. This was so much better than washing with a cold wet cloth, I thought happily, and I barely noticed the smell of sulfur any longer. God, I could stay in here forever.
'It seems you've found a new hobby,' Chishiya teased me, he obviously didn't share my love for soaking in a hot bath.
'What can I say, it's an obsession of mine,' I confessed, stretching leisurely as I leaned back in the water. 'Perhaps we can find a new shelter close by, then we can come here everyday...'
Feeling so relaxed I wanted to make him feel the same, so I slid around him and pushed him a little deeper under the surface.
'What...' he started, then 'oh, that feels so good,' as I started kneading his shoulders gently, looking for tense spots. I kept rubbing and pressing my thumbs along the muscles in his shoulders and upper back, circling back with increased pressure whenever my fingers found a knot. Chishiya remained silent, except for a few small sighs of satisfaction, when a particular stubborn knot dissolved. I moved my fingers up the back of his neck, then slid them into his hair, tugging and pulling. He gasped, and encouraged I pulled a bit harder, at the same time as I started planting soft kisses down the side of his neck. The small sighs turned into soft moans, as my hands slipped around him to caress his chest and my breasts pressed against his back.
'You're killing me, you know that?' he said, as he turned around and pulled me even closer.
'Oh, I know,' I said teasing him. His big eyes were almost black from desire, just looking into them and feeling his body against mine made me feel giddy and I knew I'd never be able to get enough of him.
'Come,' he led me to a shallow part and laid down, pulling me down on top of him. I leaned forward to kiss him,
'Dear god, Chishiya, I love you. So much,' I whispered, as I lost myself in his eyes again.
'Oh, I know,' he replied, eyes twinkling as he turned my own words against me. Then our lips met, his arms pulled me hard onto him and there was no more need for any words.