When I finally get off work, I ask Cal to walk me straight to our room. I don't want to eat, because my encounter with Negan has left me a mess and I need some time to think.
I made it my goal to get him to trust me. And I was doing pretty well. But I ruined it now. He knows my heart isn't in it. Though he does think that I want to give in. I need to use that.
It's become clear that Negan sees right through obvious fakery. So I need to keep it as real as possible, without actually making it real.
Because the truth is, Negan might be right.
I don't hate it here. It's safe, saver than any other place I've ever been. We have everything we need, food, clothes, medical supplies... Even lots of stuff we don't need, like an actual television. And I don't hate the people. I really like B and I get along fine with Cal now. My patients are nice and thankful. The Saviours don't bother me much.
But, like I told Negan, I can't forget about everything that's happened. I know exactly where they got all this food and this stuff. They stole it from us and the other communities. Negan thinks he was justified in killing some of ours, because we killed some of his. But the Hilltop and the Kingdom never did anything to him and he still takes their stuff. Still killed their people.
I can't fall for his tricks. He's obviously trying to manipulate me. By providing the things I need. By making me believe that our friends don't care about us. That he is the answer. That he will take care of us.
And wouldn't it be easy to give in?
To forget about Alexandria, to accept our life here and reap the benefits? Because think about the alternative... Even if we manage to escape, going back to Alexandria isn't an option. It's the first place he'll look for us. We might be able to hide out at the Hilltop or the Kingdom but they're under his control too. We'll always be looking over our shoulders and we won't even be able to be with our friends or live in our home. We won't be sure we'll have enough food or enough medication... It will be a struggle. Again.
Here, we have everything we need. Negan is obviously stronger than any of the other communities. I hate the way he rules over them, but who would it benefit if we suffered with the rest of them? With people who let us get dragged from our home without even trying to stop them.
No. I shake my head resolutely to clear it of the horrible thoughts I'm having. He's getting into my head and I can't let him. Everything he does is so wrong. We can't just accept our lives here and sit back while others suffer under his rule. At least if we suffer with our friends, we'll be able to live with ourselves. Besides, an easy life here is not unconditional. As soon as we stop doing what he wants, it all goes away.
The sound of the door handle sounds sooner than I would have liked. I could have used some more time to myself. But I try to act normal when Ella enters the room and put on a smile to greet her.
'Hey, you alright?' she asks me as she walks in. 'I missed you at dinner.'
'Yeah, I'm alright. Just wasn't hungry', I shrug.
'You sure?' she asks, watching me inquisitively. 'Cal said Negan came to see you again and that you seemed upset after that. Did he do something?'
'Uhh...'
Shit, Cal told her? I wasn't going to mention it, but I guess I have to tell her something now.
'Well, yeah, I don't know, he said something about "my heart" not being in it', I say, sticking close to the truth. 'In this place or whatever. I thought I was well on my way earning his trust, but I guess we're not there yet.'
'But didn't he tell you yesterday that he was so happy with you?' she asks, confused.
'Yeah, I know. I don't know, El, he's a weird guy. I guess I said something wrong.'
'Did he get mad?' she asks, sounding worried.
'No', I sigh. 'He just tried to convince me that we're better off here. That we should forget about Alexandria.'
'Like that will happen', she scoffs.
'Right', I say, avoiding her eye as I think back to my earlier thoughts. 'Anyway, I guess it wasn't so bad, because he thinks that we're on our way to accept this place, but I don't know... it feels like a bit of a set back. I was thinking about asking him about the guards soon, but I don't think it's the right timing yet.'
'Oh, well...' Ella says, approaching me a little. 'That sucks, but you're doing the best you can. It's really impressive how you've handled everything here.'
It takes a second for me to process her words, but then I turn around and look at her suspiciously. That's the most appreciative thing she's said to me since we got here. She really hasn't been anything but negative until now. I suddenly notice that she had her hands behind her back and start to wonder what's going on.
'Thanks', I say hesitantly. 'I appreciate that. What have you got there behind your back?'
'Some food', she says, pulling out one hand to show me a bowl full of noodles. 'I asked Izzy if I could bring you some in case you were hungry after all.'
'Oh', I say surprised, taking the bowl from her. 'Thanks, El, that's nice.'
'And', she says, wiggling her eyebrows, 'a surprise.'
'A surprise?' I ask curiously, trying to peek behind her. It doesn't work, because she quickly steps away. 'For me?'
'Yes, for you!' she grins. 'Guess what it is.'
'I don't know', I say exasperatedly. 'Uhh, more food?'
'No, you can't eat it.'
'Some piece of clothing you patched up?'
'No! It's nothing practical. It's for entertainment.'
'A book?'
'Ugh', she says, rolling her eyes dramatically. 'You'll never guess it. Here!'
There's a smile full of anticipation on her face as she reaches out her arm and hands me an object. I chuckle at her giddiness, but then gasp when I realize what it is.
'No way, where did you get this?' I ask, grasping the Enrique Iglesias CD from her hands.
'Found it at the market', she says, laughing at my reaction. 'I know how much you like those sob-songs, so I grabbed it for you.'
'Oh my God, thank you', I say, pulling her in for a hug. Then I quickly release her and make my way to the CD-player we've got in our room.
'What did I do to deserve this?' I ask while I pop it in.
'I just felt like I've been a bit of a bitch lately', she mumbles, looking at her shoes as she says it. 'None of this is your fault, but I've been taking it out on you, haven't I?'
She's not wrong. Ever since Negan came into the picture, she's been so angry. And a lot of times, that anger got directed at me. But I get it, none of this has been easy and she's only a teenager. Still, it's nice to hear she appreciates me after all.
'I know things have been hard', I tell her. 'It's only natural that you're not being your best self right now.'
'So you're not mad at me?' she asks, looking hopefully up at me. 'I haven't been too bitchy?'
'Oh, you are a bitch sometimes', I say, pressing play on the CD-player. Then I run over to her and take her hands into mine.
'But you're my bitch. Now dance with me.'
'I can't dance to this shit', she giggles as Bailando begins to play. She tries to get away from me, but I hold on tightly and begin to dance.
'Of course you can. Bailandooooo!'
She finally gives in and lets me twirl her around.
'I can't believe you're such a dork.'
'Bailandooo!' I sing again, dragging me with her through the room.
'I knew I was going to regret this', she sighs. But for the first time since we got here, we both laugh until our stomachs hurt.
---
'I did it', Cal tells me when I walk into the doctor's office the next morning.
'Well congratulations, Cal', I say teasingly. 'I thought you were on your way to become a 40-year-old virgin, but I guess I was wrong.'
'Shut up', he says, throwing a rubber glove at my head that I just manage to dodge. 'I asked B out. For as much as that's possible around here.'
'No way!' I say excitedly. 'You did? How did it go?'
'It went well', he says proudly. It's absolutely adorable to see the happiness on the face of this hulk of a man as he talks about B. 'Took her for a stroll in the woods last night after dinner and then we got onto the roof just before nightfall and we watched the sunset.'
'Cal', I say amazed, putting my hand over my heart. 'That is the single most romantic thing I've ever heard. And then you told you love her?'
'Well, I told her I think she's very great, and that I really like her...'
'And she's the love of your life and you never want to spend another day without her?'
'I'm never telling you anything again if you keep this up', he says, scowling at me.
'I'm sorry', I grin. 'I'm just excited. That sounds really nice. What did she say?'
'She said she thinks that I'm pretty great too', he says, trying and failing to surpress a proud smile.
'Oh, well done, man', I say, smacking his shoulder. 'I'm so happy for you guys. So was there any...'
I make some kissing noises and bat my eyelashes at him, which makes him shake his head indignantly.
'Kissing?'
'I will leave the rest to your imagination', he says dismissively.
'Oh, I get it.'
When I wink at him he rolls his eyes exasperatedly, but he still laughs.
'You're the worst.'
Then he appears to be done talking about it, because he quickly changes the subject.
'You feeling any better? You seemed a little shaken yesterday after Negan showed up. You're seeing him again tonight, aren't you?'
'Yes, I'm fine', I tell him.
It's mostly true. Ella really cheered me up last night. And I've made a resolution to myself. I won't let Negan get into my head again. I won't let him manipulate me. If anything, I'll be manipulating him. I'm going to make him believe that my heart will be won over my him and the Sanctuary. I'll do it by staying as true to myself as possible. But I won't lose sight of the ultimate goal: to leave this place.
So I feel calmer about seeing him again tonight. I won't let things get out of hand. I've prepared myself.
'I was a little upset yesterday, yes, but it's nothing to worry about. I can't wait to see him again tonight.'