Sad girl hours
Tw: sprinkle of backstory for you, as a gift❤️ Mentions/descriptions of wounds. Description of losing consciousness + passing out. Mentions of nausea, the urge to throw up and light headedness. PTSD, nightmares, mentions of dead bodies. Raewyn cries again (so sorry). Bit foreshadowing but not really (read note at the end of the chapter)
Was gonna make this fluffy, but then I realized who I was, so of course; it's angst baby. I cried writing this :)
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It had been mere days since the confrontation with Azog, but the memories of those short moments have bothered Raewyn ever since they left the Carrock. The malice in his voice, the joy in his eyes, the hatred behind his speech. But more of all; the thought of saving that one dwarf that single handedly ruined her life. It had kept her awake for days.
She had noticed the slight change in Thorin's behavior, yet she could not help but hear the whining of that little voice in the back of her head. The voice that taunted her with older memories, trying to convince her that Thorin had not changed at all. And in a way, Raewyn knew that voice was right. Had the whole scene on that cliff not have happened, she and Thorin would be on each other's throats by now. And the simple idea of that began to bother her.
Gandalf had sat with Raewyn for a while, trying to make the best of the injuries she had gotten in Goblintown, but most of it had to heal on its own. She should have been counting herself as grateful for the fact that the arrow had not been poisoned. Oin had given her a short treatment of herbs and ointment for the wounds, but that was as far as anything would get her now. Only time would mend the wounds.
And whilst being on a pretty important quest, the delay she brought to the company had not been received lightly. Not at all. She had been surprised with how well Thorin had handled it. Sure, he told her to move and walk it off, but there were no more death threats behind his words, so it had been a relative improvement.
Poor Bilbo had not once left the ranger's side, convinced he'd be safest beside her than anywhere else at the moment. Even as she struggled to walk properly, the hobbit would not stick next to any other person. She had saved his life many times more than anyone else had, and he felt as is he owed it to her. The least bit of support he could offer her, at least.
And Kili - pitiable Kili - had been so conflicted in his head. Even though Raewyn had been alive and walking, the fear of losing her began to overtake his brain. That terrifying moment on that cliff had perhaps haunted him more than it haunted her. And he could not do anything to get rid of the fresh feeling of fear each and every time she had tended to her wounds. Even Fili had begun to realize something was up. Kili had stuck with the Asha and the hobbit, yet his brother knew something had changed. And perhaps, deep down, he had known before Kili even did.
"How close is the pack?" Dwalin asked, upon seeing Bilbo return to the group.
The hobbit had been sent to make sure the grounds they were trespassing were safe. Raewyn had ordered Thorin to keep Bilbo near the dwarves, but - unsurprisingly - he had ignored her words, claiming this had been one of the reasons Bilbo joined the journey. Of course, she knew that wasn't the case and he was purely sent out because he was lighter on his feet, but she did not say anything about it. Not after Gandalf had shot her a warning look.
"Too close." Bilbo panted, out of breath, before looking towards Raewyn, who had given him a frown at the revelation. "A couple of leagues, no more, but that is not the worst of it."
"Have the Wargs picked up our scent?" Dwalin ignored, now interrogating the smaller creature.
"Not yet, but they will." The hobbit continued. "We have another problem."
"Did they see you? They saw you!" Gandalf accused, to which Raewyn sighed, rolling her eyes.
"No, that's not it." Bilbo stammered, looking over to the ranger, silently asking her for help. The gesture went unnoticed by Gandalf, who proudly turned to the company, poiting towards the hobbit.
"What did I tell you?" He began. "Quiet as a mouse. Excellent burglar material."
The dwarves chuckle loudly in appreciation of Bilbo. Bilbo looks exasperated, letting out a groan as he cleared his throat, trying to get himself to speak up. Raewyn, however was quicker, standing up from her seat, using Fili, who happened to sit next to her, as support.
"Shut up!" She exclaimed, drawing the attention of all the dwarves, who simultaneously silenced their cheers.
"Thank- thank you, Raewyn." Bilbo stuttered, sending a grateful nod to the ranger, who merely offered him a small smile.
"I'm trying to tell you there is something else out there."
And that seemed to cause some form of both worry and confusion to run through the company. Gandalf frowned, looking down at the hobbit, his eyes stern, as if staring into Bilbo's soul.
"What form did it take? Like a bear?"
"Ye..." Bilbo answered, but he quickly cut himself off, giving the wizard a look of astonishment. "Y-yes. But bigger, much bigger."
"You knew about this beast?" Bofur whispered to Gandalf, who turned around, taking a few steps back to have a good view over the dwarves.
"I say we double back." The hatted dwarf proposed.
"And be run down by a pack of Orcs." Thorin spoke solemly, to which Raewyn could do nothing but silently agree.
"There is a house, it's not far from here, where we might take refuge." Gandalf tried to convince.
"Whose house?" Thorin asked, stepping up to the grey pilgrim. "Are they friend or foe?"
"Neither." The wizard answered honestly, looking down. "He will help us, or he will kill us."
At the revelation, the dwarves look at each other in dismay, grunts of uncertainty heard throughout the air. Bilbo had made his way back to Raewyn, giving her a worried stare, not liking Gandalf's words.
"Do you know whose house he speaks about?" He mumbled, leaning towards Raewyn. Fili and Kili now turned towards the Asha too, their eyes full of expectation, but all she could do was shake her head.
"I wish I did." She revealed. "For I do not like the odds we are given."
"What choice do we have?" Thorin intervered, making the decision for the group.
A roar splits the night behind the dwarves: distant, yet ever present. Some dwarves reached for their weapons, resorting to violence immediately. Bilbo's eyes grew wide at the sound, his hand reaching towards the necklace Raewyn had given him on the mountain pass earlier.
"None." Gandalf mumbled, before taking off, leading the way to the supposed house.
Raewyn groaned in frustration, putting the pressure back on her leg. And even though its condition had increased since th Carrcok, it was still not completely healed, and running had not come easy to her yet.
Bilbo noticed her struggle, offering her his arm, but she quickly discarded it. "You go ahead, Bilbo. I will be fine." She spoke, setting up a quick pace for herself too.
Bilbo gave her an unsure look, but as he saw her determined expression, he sighed. The hobbit offered the ranger a short nod, before following the rest of the company, leaving Raewyn to run by herself. Yet, just after Bilbo left, a second arm appeared in her line of vision.
"No, I will not go ahead." Kili quickly spoke, leaving no further room for disagreement. The company had increased its speed, and Raewyn did indeed have trouble keeping up with them.
"Come on, you two!" Fili yelled from up front, stopping in his tracks, waiting for his brother and Raewyn to catch up with him.
Just then, a big shadow appeared from the trees behind them, eyes blazing at the three in anger. Raewyn swallowed thickly at the sight, before Kili grabbed her hand, pulling her along with him as he took of running.
Raewyn's body began to move before she even registered it. A sharp stinging shot up through her leg as her feet kept pushing her off of the floor, but she had no choice but to ignore it for now. She had deemed herself lucky when Kili had grabbed her uninjured hand, seeing as his grip had been tight. But the pounding of the paw steps behind them shot so much adrenaline through her body that she could not think of anything but seeking shelter.
In front of them, Bombur began to slow down, no longer having any strength left to catch up.
"Bombur!" Fili warned, shoving the dwarf forward lightly. The bigger dwarf risked a look over his shoulder, meeting the sight of Kili and Raewyn, who were nearly being trampled by the huge bear. His eyes widened as they rested on the figure, now running faster than he had ever done in his life, passing the rest of the company as he trailed up front. Would they not have been running for their lives, Raewyn might have laughed at the sight.
Between the trees, she could make out an open plain, with a lonesome house standing at the center of it. That must have been the house Gandalf had been talking about. A sigh of relief managed to flood through her body, though it was only momentarily. The panting of the bear behind them, only seemed to near, yet she could not force herself to run any faster than she did now: Her legs had been burning, as if they would collapse under her any second. The pain of the arrow wound had began to pound violently against her nervous system, causing a hiss to escape her every once so often.
"Hang on. We're almost there." Kili tried to assure, his grip on her hand not once fading. But something about his words scared her. And it was not because of what he said. It was in the way she received it, for his voice had grown distant. As if they were inside a cave. But he was standing right next to her.
She tried to look him in the face, turning her head around, but a sudden wave of nausea rushed through her, her head growing light at the feeling. She cursed herself mentally, knowing exactly what was happening. And this had not been a great time for that. She squeezed Kili's hand for a short second, drawing his attention.
"Kili." She tried, her mind now no longer keeping up with the steps she was taking.
The world around her began to turn into a haze as dark spots slowly began to block her view. Kili's eyes landed on the ranger next to him, who was struggling to hold herself up. She had mumbled something under his breath, but through the sound of his own breathing and the loud pounding of his heart, he could no longer hear it. All he could see is that she needed help, and she needed it soon.
"Fili!" He exclaimed, nudging his head towards the Asha. Raewyn had tried to keep up, she really did, but the dizzy sensation running through her head, and those annoying black spots floating around in front of her, made her desire nothing but some well-deserved sleep.
"I'm going to fall." She managed out, though she was not entirely sure whether Kili had heard her or not.
Somewhere, in the back of her head, she fought to stay awake, to run and lay somewhere when she was guaranteed to wake up again, but the overwhelming pain shooting through her body could no longer handle it. Nausea started to build even more, as she could swear she would have thrown up right there, had she not been nearly asleep.
The feeling in her legs slowly began to disappear as her ears seemed to cancel out all the mayhem around her. The last thing she could remember was feeling a pair of arms pick her up from the floor, before she finally lost her consciousness.
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When she woke up again, she found herself in a field; beautiful flowers showing through the grass as a pleasant spring air ran through her hair. Groaning, the woman forced herself to sit up, observing the place.
It had been gorgeous, as if it was something from a fairytale. But she could not see Gandalf. Nor could she see Bilbo or Kili. There was no one there beside her.
They couldn't have forgotten her, right?
"Kili?" She asked, slowly standing up, ready to use the tree behind her as support, yet as her leg stood on the ground, there was no more resistance coming from it. She frowned at the realization, taking her leather glove off her injured hand. Yet, to her surprise, there had been nothing there. Not even a scar.
"Gandalf?" She wondered uncertain, looking around to find any form of life. But it appeared as if she was alone.
"Bilbo?" She now tried, though she knew she had been alone.
A sigh of frustration escaped from her lips, throwing her head back. She could not sit there and wait to be discovered. She had to go out there and find someone. Anyone.
But what if they were looking for her? If she left this spot, she might never find them again.
She shook of the thought, convincing herself that this was a dream, and that she had to find her way out. So, she wandered the fields, strolling over the hills as she tried to find some form of life. Anything to help her out.
How long she had walked, she did not know. But now she had reached the border of a forest. A soft rustling was heard from the bushes a short while away. Raewyn's ears pricked up at the sound, staring at the greens.
"Hello?" She asked quietly, sneaking up to the sound.
And just like that, the rustling stopped, as if something in there had been frozen. Without a single second of hesitation, Raewyn's hand shot to the bushes, parting them halfway.
She was met with the form of a little girl. She could be no older than fourteen in human years. Her hair had been dark, her eyes holding a familiar, broken look, tears streaming down her face.
"It's okay." Raewyn tried to soothe, lowering herself to the girl's level, disarming the daggers off of her body, gently laying them out on the grass.
"I won't hurt you."
"Help me." The girl whispered, her voice hoarse, as if she had been crying for hours. The ranger's face softened at the sound of it, nodding slightly in response.
"What do I need to do?" Raewyn proposed gently, her voice holding a soft tone she had barely uttered before. One that was so rare, yet came so natural.
"The orcs..." The girl whispered, new tears now rolling down from her eyes again. "They will kill them."
The Asha stood up at the words, her hand already reaching for her sword. "Where?" She asked.
The small girl stood up with effort, as if she had been hurt herself. Raewyn glanced over her figure, trying to spot her injury. But when she saw the blood soaking through her shirt from her back, the ranger froze.
The little girl seemed to ignore it, her smaller hand holding onto Raewyn's, tugging her along as she lead the way. And Raewyn could do nothing but follow her, staring at her body as if everything suddenly seemed to click.
The girl's sobs only seemed to worsen as her steps grew quicker. Up until she let go of Raewyn's hand, running towards a pile of fallen warriors. The ranger's eyes glossed over at the sight, her breath stuck in her throat as her heart suddenly dropped.
"Adad!" The girl whimpered, curling herself over the figure of what had been her father. No; what had been Raewyn's father.
This was no dream. This was some form of cruel joke.
"Who are you?" The Asha choked out, her eyes trained on the little girl.
She turned her head towards the ranger, her cheeks red as the tears flew freely from her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but was stopped when another sob broke through her throat.
Raewyn collapsed onto her knees next to the girl, holding onto her shoulders.
"What is your name?" She asked desperately, a stray tear now slipping from her eyes too.
"R-Raewyn." The girl cried. The ranger held back whimper at the revelation, a hand covering her mouth as another tear rolled down her cheek.
"Can you help them?" The girl bewailed, her eyes now falling back on the fallen form of her father. Raewyn dared to look over at the body, his wide eyes and bloodstained hair scarring her sight all over again.
"No. I cannot." Raewyn whispered, bowing her head down, as her hand flew to his. And for the first time in years, she could feel his hand. It was cold, and void of life, but it was there. It was solid and it was calloused, as it had always been. The big ring around his finger was exactly the way she remembered it.
A hopeless wail finally climbed out of her throat, the pain of having to hold on for years finally slipping out. She held his hand in hers, holding in to her forehead, sobbing into it.
This was not a dream. This was a nightmare. A foul memory remade to torture her even more. She felt she had the right to cry. She never did. This was in her head. And she would make her own rules.
Raewyn closed her eyes tightly, trying to mesmerize the shape of his hand. Trying to find some way to make him wake up. Maybe by wishing hard enough, he would simply come back to life. It was her memory. She could influence it, could she not?
As the thoughts raced through her head, whimpers and sobs tore out of her throat, no longer caring for her dignity. She never allowed herself to cry over her past. For once, it had been good to let go of it. The only company she had was herself, and maybe that was just what she needed.
Yet, as she opened her eyes to face the little girl, she found out she was alone again. She looked towards the forests, trying to find an escaping form, but she could find none.
"Raewyn?" She asked, her throat sore as her voice came out as broken as it ever had. It felt weird calling her own name like that, but she simply needed someone.
Yet, after moments of silence, the ranger had come to the conclusion she was alone again.
But there was still a hand in hers. She gently rubbed her thumb over it, trying to give herself some form of comfort. But as she rubbed the hand, she found no ring. There was no metal wrapped around the hand. And it had been there earlier.
Raewyn looked down at it, frowning at the sudden change. The hand she was holding had been familiar, and somewhat soothing. But it was not her father's. She knew whose hand this once. And for the first time in her life, she was afraid to look up. She was afraid to face what would be shown to her.
The Asha closed her eyes tightly, wishing the image away, praying to Mahal that the hand she was holding would be her father's again. But after minutes and minutes of waiting, she gave up, opening her eyes again.
The auburn hair that was sprawled out of the grass no longer held the same color. Instead, it had been a chocolate brown, one she had grown to love, but now feared. The well known shading of the tunic now made her sick to look at. The usual joyous eyes now completely lifeless, staring up at the sky as if they were making shapes out of the clouds. Her hand squeezed the one she was holding, but it did not squeeze back. And that was what terrified her most.
Because the figure laying in front of her had no longer been her father. It had been the one person who she knew could offer her comfort, even when she did not ask for it. It was Kili that had been laying there.
And he no longer felt like the joy she had known him to be.
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Quick fyi: No, Raewyn does not have visions. Just getting rid of those theories. What I wrote, was my interpretation of hidden fears. What happened to Raewyn was a fear that was hidden so deep in her brain, that she did not even know it was there. The fear of losing people/fear of abandonment. She doesn't have superpowers. She's just badass without magic, okay. She doesn't need special shit. Thank you.
Adad: Father/Dad in Khuzdul (dwarvish)
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