This chapter is dedicated to Alice, with thanks for supporting me. Thank you!
"I'm sorry," Tess whimpered as her bladder finally managed to finish emptying. The puddle spread almost right across the kitchen floor; she couldn't believe how much she had peed. Her legs were soaked, and there was no way that Ffrances and Spike could be unaware of what had just happened. "I don't understand... I don't know what happened. I didn't need to go. Honestly, I don't think... I don't know why I... I really didn't need to go, and then it came out of nowhere. Could there be something wrong with... I don't know. My nerves or something? So the signals don't get through?"
"I don't think so," Ffrances shook her head. "You were squirming, visibly struggling to hold it. I don't think that can happen unless you know what's happening. And I think you know that too. If you think this might be some kind of neurological issue, I'd think you should speak to a doctor about it. I can help you set it up if that's easier."
"No!" Tess yelled. She'd never expected this kind of confrontational attitude from Ffrances. From Gabby, perhaps, but not Ffrances. She was always the understanding one, who prized choice over anything else. But now she was so stern; and Tess knew she must really have done something wrong.
"No," she repeated, in a softer voice. "I don't need... I mean... I've already seen a doctor. I..." she glanced over at Spike, wearing one of her old dresses. This really wasn't how she had wanted him to find out about the one secret she didn't have the courage to share. "I mean... it's embarrassing to talk about. I've got an appointment. About something that might be... kind of related, I guess? This was a big surprise to me, nothing like this has ever happened before, and I don't know what it is. But you have to believe me, I'll talk to the doctor about it. I promise. This is something I need to sort out, and I can do it myself."
Tess realised that she was shaking, feeling like she'd plunged into the worst possible time to have to bring this subject up. As she looked around, she saw that Spike had already gone. She felt like she should have been panicking, trying to hide this from him, but he already knew too much. She would have to tell him what had happened, if she could even understand it herself, and she still had no idea how to start that conversation. But at the same time, she was sure that he was prepared to wait until she was comfortable talking.
"It's okay," Ffrances told her. "I don't know what you're going through, not really, but I can see how upset you are. I'm sure this isn't how you expected the day to go. So how do we make it go better? Do you want to finish the movie?"
"Yeah," Tess nodded. "But I... I don't know what happened. I shouldn't be having problems like that in the time it takes to watch a movie, and now I've made a mess, and... I need to clean up, and I can't stop thinking about it, what I should have done differently, or how I can apologise for that. Do you think..."
"Listen," Ffrances interrupted as Tess descended into babbling again. "It's clear you're upset. And I'll say that this isn't healthy; you need to deal with the problem, whatever kind of problem it is. But right now, we can just go back to watching the end of Striker. Okay? All the rest, about getting you in to see a specialist, and making sure that you can take care of yourself, that can come later. Okay?"
Tess nodded, and then turned to see Spike coming back with a mop in his hands. Always the practical and mature one, no matter how much he didn't want to be.
"Thank you," she said. "And I'm sorry. I'd better get changed, and try not to think about this anymore. I swear, I didn't realise... I just got so mad when you were talking to me like a little kid, and then I was pushing back without even thinking you might be right. I should have known better then. Was I really..."
"You looked so desperate," he said. "Like you were in pain. You said you didn't know?"
"No. I guess you did the right thing. You treated me like a baby, but if I was in pain and I didn't know, I don't understand how that can even happen, but... Maybe that's what I needed. I need somebody to make the decisions for me, like Gabby keeps saying?"
"Is that what you want?" Ffrances asked, and Tess couldn't be sure what the right answer was supposed to be. "Do you think that would be best for you?"
"I don't know. But I keep thinking maybe she's right. Like with the first... the original hypnosis thing. I was offended when she suggested it couldn't admit that I needed help. But after I tried it, well... it seemed to work, so long as I don't overdo it. So maybe she was right all along, and there's some part of me that wants this more than I'll admit. I don't know, but..." She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. But if this really was a psychological problem, then some kind of repressed desire to be babied was the only thing that even came close to making sense. She looked over at Spike again, who'd hiked his dress up so that it didn't trail on the floor as he started to mop up the puddle of pee. She couldn't keep on lying to him.
"Spike, thank you," she said. "I'll... I'm going to get this sorted out, I promise. And I promise I'll find the courage to tell you everything. Next week. I can't keep on hiding something like this."
"Whenever you're ready," he said. "You should get some clean clothes, okay? And we'll finish watching Striker. If you're sure you're okay."
Tess couldn't thank him enough; it was a load off her mind just to know that he still cared about her after something like that had happened. She felt so bad that he was cleaning up after her again, after she'd spent so long insisting that she was the mature one. But she could push herself past all of those worries just by thinking about what she could do now to minimise the disruption to the family who had been trying so hard to help her. She promised herself that she would listen when Spike and Gabby said that she needed help, and she could try not to insist on self-reliance so much of the time.
Maybe she just needed something to drive the point home so that her subconscious ming could accept it. She thought about that while while she was stripping out of her wet clothes and treating herself to a five-minute rushed shower. And she decided that it probably made sense. In the past, she'd kept on believing that if she insisted on taking care of everything herself, all her problems would just fade away. Maybe she needed some help to accept that this was something she couldn't do herself. It was obvious enough that she had made the problem a hundred times worse by refusing to listen when Gabby had told her to use the bathroom.
With that in mind, she picked some clean clothes. Childish clothes; a summer dress that wouldn't have looked out of place on a preschooler. The suggestions that would make her feel like a small child just from dressing the part were probably mild enough that she would still be able to understand the movie; but it would be making a point both to herself and to Gabby that she wasn't going to fight for her independence now. That she was sorry for the drama she had caused, and she was ready to ask for support.
She decided she could live with wearing diapers as well. It wasn't likely she would have another accident before the end of the movie, but in the circumstances she thought it would be better to be safe than sorry. She chose one of the pull-up ones; bulky enough to remind her that she was protected, but also thin enough that it wouldn't be obvious from the way she was walking. And oddly, she found that it made her feel a little safer now. She hated that she might need that kind of protection from accidents, but she couldn't keep on denying it now, and she thought that she was just being responsible by admitting that she wasn't always right.
"Are you feeling better now?" Gabby asked, waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "You sounded kind of upset."
"Yeah, I..." Tess started, and then realised that she was actually feeling a little better now. Maybe it was the clothes, giving her a subtle feeling that the grown-ups would take care of things. But she didn't need to worry quite so much as she had before. "I think so. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"Don't worry," Gabby said. "I can probably guess what happened, right? I know you were getting pretty fidgety. And I can't believe how many glasses of juice you put away in the first half of the movie, like you weren't sure what to do with your hands and you were reaching for your drink every ten seconds like some kind of displacement activity."
"I hadn't even..." Tess said, and then thought about Spike sitting next to her; all the nervousness she'd felt when he put his hand on her leg. The excitement of having exactly what she'd been wanting for a year, but in weird costumes and a weirder situation. She'd been a little bit awkward; so could that have been why she hadn't noticed how much she was drinking? "I guess maybe I... I was so tempted to hug Spike closer, or to... do things that I don't know if h– she would be okay with. Maybe every time the idea crossed my mind and I didn't have the nerve, I was taking a sip instead. How can I stop myself from doing that, if I don't know I'm doing it?"
"It might be a little infantilising, but maybe something to occupy your mouth would be easier?" Gabby offered a pacifier, and Tess fought back the initial urge to get upset about it. She deserved to be babied now, after what had just happened. It was only fair. She whispered an embarrassed thanks instead, and slipped the pacifier into her mouth. And then they went back into the lounge, where Spike and Ffrances were waiting for them.
Nobody seemed angry at all, and they watched the rest of the movie without any trace of judgement. Tess realised that she could just focus on the screen, and let the people around her deal with all the big issues for once. And if she really tried, she could convince herself that this was what she needed, or even what she wanted. That certainty hadn't stopped her sending a text message to Dr Lutwa while she was getting dressed, to set up another appointment, But if she gave in, she could keep from worrying until the end of the movie. It didn't even stress her too much when she found herself wetting her diaper before she had to change for bed. But she knew now that she was safe and accepted, and if there was any way she could get comfortable with being babied, it was good to be surrounded by three people who cared so much about her.