After my momentary breakdown on the front patio, I retreated to the guest room to be by myself. My body couldn't move from the tight ball I wrapped myself into, a blanket thrown over the entirety of my being from head to toe. I've laid like this for the last two days. It was only supposed to be for a quick nap in attempt to reset my mood, but the seconds turned into hours that led into days. The room is pitch black and silent. My mind can't turn off long enough to allow myself to rest for more than a brief moment. My eyes are swollen and sore from the hours worth of tears I've shed, making them burn ever so slightly.
I can hear the muffled sound of distant chatter and footsteps from beyond the closed door. All four of the boys and Missy downstairs in the kitchen making what I assume is dinner and catching up. I figured they'd want their own time to themselves and I couldn't bring myself to drag their moods down with my depressed state. Another long night alone sounds good enough to me anyway. Despite having a history with three fifths of the people in the house, I can't shake the feeling of not fitting in entirely. Like I'm in high school again desperately searching for a place to sit at lunch and being turned away by the kids sitting with their cliques at the mile long tables.
There's a slight knock at the door, pulling me out of my thoughts and causing my body to jerk upward quickly. The heavy comforter sliding off my aching body and pooling around my waist, my hair a disheveled mess atop of my head.
"Come in" I call weakly hoping whoever was on the other side could hear me. On second thought, maybe if they didn't they would just go away and I could continue with my self loathing.
The lock turns slowly and the door creaks open. Even with my room being pitch black, the light glow from the hallway illuminates the figure at the door frame.
Nicks lean upper half tilts in cautiously, scanning the room to find my eyes. His long curly hair thrown into a neat bun at the nape of his neck. I can barely make out his features other than a thick eyebrow being raised on one side. I've known Nick since I was 15, him and Noah being 16 at the time. We met one evening on our daily walk home from school. He stood by himself in an alleyway huffing down a cheap cigarette before starting the trail back to his house. Noah wanted to bum a smoke off of him, and ever since that day they became inseparable.
"Hey Veronica" he pipes up after a moment, his small voice bouncing off the walls in the nearly empty room.
"Hi Nick" I reply back meekly as I try to hide the obvious fact that I've been sobbing almost nonstop for the past 48 hours by whipping my face harshly with the sleeve of my thick yellow hoodie.
"We made dinner if you're hungry" nick says back ignoring my actions, whether on purpose or not he doesn't speak about what he sees or make any indication that he notices my decrepit state.
I grimace slightly at the thought of eating, my stomach turning with a sadness that brews at the pit.
"I'm not very hungry honestly" I admit as I bring my arm up to scratch at the nape of my neck. Awkwardness thickly coats the air as we both fall silent for a moment, neither one of us being gutsy enough to make eye contact.
"Missy just wanted me to grab you. She said you haven't eaten since the day before yesterday" he says after a moment. His tone is merciful and quiet.
Quite the opposite of what I remember him usually being like. From what I can recall Nick has always been an upbeat person, with a loquacious personality to match. Always cracking jokes and being the most vociferous person in the room. I've never heard him talk so timidly, like he's afraid I'll crumble into dust if he says something the wrong way.
"What did you make?" I ask in hopes to shift the atmosphere around conversation we are having.
"Chicken noodle soup" he replies back cutly, not an ounce of emotion present in his words.
I sit there for a moment trying to come up with some sort of excuse other than the truth. I'm not sure what everyone knows about my situation, but I'm sure they are aware of enough. That alone doesn't make this easy, I can't help but feel embarrassed by the predicament I've found myself in. However, if Missy is still the person she once was if I avoid eating much longer she will probably hold me down and spoon feed me herself.
A long and deep sigh slips from my lips as I throw my head back dramatically.
"Okay. I'll be down in like five" I finally say after a moment.
He gives me soft smile as he shakes his head in agreement before shutting my door but not closing it all the way. I slip out of bed, my bare feet hitting the plush carpet on the floor. My body is wrecked with a dull ache as my limbs stretch out of the contorted position they've been in for far too long. After they readjust I flip the switch to the lamp that sits alone on the small bedside table, allowing the room to fill with its dull light for the first time in days.
I pull a clean sweater and sweatpants from my still packed duffel bag before stripping down to my undergarments to change.
As I turn my back to the small mirror that hangs solo on the wall I catch a glimpse of a dark bruise on my backside that runs from the smalls of my back to the bottom of my ribcage. The outer edges a deep blue almost black as it fades into a sickly shade of purple at the center. The sight makes me gulp loudly as i find it hard to pull my eyes away from the blemish. The color of it stands out vibrantly against my pale surface. I slowly bring my hand back around to touch it lightly. The small contact sending a wave of pain though my back, causing my hand to snap away quickly as I hiss in pain.
"Fuck" I mutter out to myself
The door opens abruptly with a light knock, my entire body whipping around away from it in one quick movement. My almost bare chest is now facing the wall , as I bring my arms up to conceal myself.
"Shit sorry, Roni. I was just checking on you" I hear Noah call out from behind me. The panic leaves my body for a moment, but soon returns as I realize that not only am I half naked in front of him, but the gnarly bruise on my back is fully on display. I turn to face him without thinking, trying to avert his eyes from seeing the embarrassing mark on my body. I soon realize that itself was a mistake when I remember how my breasts nearly bust out of the two sizes too small bra I have on. A heat rises to my cheeks as I grab my sweater off the bed, and throw it over my bare upper half.
"Shit I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be getting dressed" Noah admits clearing his throat harshly as he darts his eyes everywhere but at me to avoid the inevitable awkward eye contact.
Thankfully my top is long enough to cover most of my bottom half, but still feeling naked I take a seat on the edge of the bed. Pulling my long shirt down to conceal myself more.
"It's fine. I should have locked the door" I reassure as I peer up at him bashfully slightly chewing on my bottom lip. I can still feel the red hot blush that coats my cheeks. Noah and i have been in many innocent situations involving very minimal clothes before. However, that was when we were kids and neither one of us had much body to show, and the bikinis I wore were a bit more modest than the thong and push up bra I had on.
His face is also flushed slightly as he shoves his hands into the pocket of his black sweatpants.
"Nick told us you were coming down to eat with us. I wanted to check on you before now, but I figured you just wanted your space" he admits shyly as his eyes finally stop dancing around the room and land on mine. They sparkle with an emotion I can't quite read, a flat expression painting his face.
His words ping at my heart slightly reminding me just how much things have changed between us. When we were younger he didn't know what boundaries were. It didn't matter if I was taking a shit at 3 am, if he was worried he was coming in to reassure himself that all was well. Now he lets me lay in my own sorrow for two days, too afraid to bother me in fear of rejection or retaliation. As much as it pains me to admit, I know I have no one but myself to blame.
"I didn't mean to worry anyone. Just needed some time to just.. think" I tell a half truth through a fake smile. I was thinking, not about much other than how pathetic my life has become. Truth of the matter is I just couldn't will myself out of bed to do much of anything. I don't think I used the bathroom more than twice in the last two days.
"Well, I'll let you get finished and I'll have you a bowl fixed when you come down." He offers as he begins to turn on his heels and head back towards the door. I watch as he walks through the threshold, closing it behind him as he departs. Once I'm alone I stand again, grabbing my sweatpants and throwing them on quickly. Before leaving I turn to look at myself in the mirror seeing the rats nest that's collected at the top of my head in an unkempt bun. Three day old makeup caked up under my eyes, and smearing slightly down my face. I grimace at my sloppy appearance mentally apologizing to anyone who's had to look at me in this state
I quickly redo the knotted hair on my head, fixing it slightly to look more put together and rub off the smeared makeup from my flushed face. Still not looking my best, but somewhat better.
Not being able to be bothered with it much more I give up, it's good enough. I make my way out of the room and head down the steps. The sound of conversation filling the air, along with the sweet smell of hearty stew. As I turn the corner to the kitchen I'm met with the vibrant kitchen lights, my eyes wincing slightly. It takes a moment for them to adjust to the brightness but when they do I notice all eyes on me. Making my face warm up as I stand there awkwardly.
"Oh Veronica honey! I'm so glad you decided to join us" Missy bellows joyously from her seat at the table. A large smile spreads along her face as she speaks.
"You know I can never turn down your homemade soup" I reply back halfheartedly.
Her cooking is the best part of being home. The comforting pleasure from a full belly a feeling not quite like anything else, I just wish I wanted that feeling at the moment.
"Well come sit! Noah made you a bowl" she urges as she waves me over to the seat directly between her and Noah were a bowl sits full. I do as she asks and walk slowly around the table to take the spot next to her.
As I sit down, my leg brushes slightly against Noah's as I do so. The slight touch sending a warm tingle up the entirety of my limb. Quickly I pull away, as our heads both snap to look at each other. He offers me a small smile, his flawless teeth flashing slightly. In which I return before I turn my attention to my food, my hand coming up to clutch the spoon. I stir it around for a moment watching as the thick hot steam rolls out in thick bursts. The chatter around me is blocked out as I gaze down at my soup intently.
My stomach feels full despite not putting anything in it for the last few days. Regardless, I will myself to bring a heaping spoonful up to my lips. The warm liquid filling my mouth before swallowing it down,It leaves a fiery trail down my throat as it makes its way to the pit of my stomach. My gut immediately turning in distaste as soon at it falls in. The slight amount of food instantly making my insides feel as if they're going to burst with fullness. However, I push back the feeling and continue to pile small spoonfuls into my mouth trying to at least make a tiny dent in the seemingly endless bowl.
I take this moment to look around the room and scan the two new faces I've only seen one time prior from now. Next to missy on the opposite side of where I sit is Nick, he looks the same as I remember from our youth aside from dark stubble along his jawline, and a few fine lines splintering out from the corners of his pale eyes. Next to him is another man. Long espresso colored hair lays down his back in a loose pleat. Light stubble peppering his thin upper lip, his eyes dark and brows thick. He's much more quiet than his other three bandmates, I don't think I've heard him speak a single word at all. Next to him is another dark eyed guy, raven locks cut short and pushed back out of his square face. His full lips pulled into a joyful smile, a broad nose being hugged by a silver hoop.
I don't think I've caught their names, either from them not mentioning or me not being able to remember.
"So how's living in New York, Veronica?" Nick asks, snapping me out of my trance.
I have to swallow a mouthful of food before answering
"It was okay. The winters are a lot more brutal. I swear I've never seen so much snow in my life" I answer back, not being able to conjure up any other nice words about the place I've spent the last few years of my life. In a different world I'm sure I'd be able to paint beautiful pictures with my words about the lively city. Detailing them on all my favorite activities and places to eat. But I can't manage to do even that. The thought of that wretched place causing painful memories to flood back into my mind.
I force back the tears that threaten to prick at my eyes, not wanting to cry in front of everyone.
"How's LA?" I ask as I turn to Noah before anyone can question me any further.
"I love it. The area I'm in is pretty nice, there's beaches all year long and no snow" he replies back, winking at me as he says the last part. His small actions makes a wide smile spread along my lips.
"You do have earthquakes though" I counter his argument, causing him to chuckle.
"I'd take that over the bipolar weather on the east coast anyday, besides I have earthquake insurance" he banters back as he takes a long swig of his cold glass of water.
"Touché" is all I say back before taking a final bite of my soup, pushing it away from me after doing so. I was able to stomach about half of the it, which I figured was better than nothing.
"Are we still going over to Orie's Air bnb?" The short haired guy whose name I'm unsure of asks his group of friends.
"I still planned on it" nick says before bringing his spoon to his mouth.
"Same" the quiet man calls with a monotone pitch, a Scottish twang lacing the syllable that falls from his mouth.
The three friends all look at Noah, who sits quietly next to me. I can feel his leg bouncing rapidly under the table, a habit he always did when he was anxious.
"Uhh yeah I'm down" he says with a small shrug
"Okay I'll text him and let him know" the nameless guy calls as he pulls out his phone from his pocket.
It falls silent again, everyone around me enjoying their warm bowls of soup in a comfortable silence as I sit and fidget with my thumbs.
"Do you wanna come with us?" Noah asks quietly as he leans closer to me in his seat.
My eyes snap up to meet his gaze, his face only a few inches from my own. My mouth falls open slightly, my mind trying to come up with an excuse to say no.
"I'm sure you guys want to just hang out like.. bros" I muster up awkwardly with a small shrug of my shoulders.
He chuckles slightly at me, causing my cheeks to blush.
"I've been hanging out with these idiots plenty lately, besides I'm pretty sure Nick's sister is coming to hang out and it's just going to be a little kick back. You still like tequila?" He says with a mischievous smile pulling up at the sides of his mouth. His words causing me to chuckle at the memory of our first party together. We went shot for shot all night with bottom shelf tequila and I don't think I've ever seen someone throw up so much. I debated calling 911 that night, maybe even a priest. A supernatural interference being the only explanation for his violent regurgitation.
"As long as you can keep up this time" I joke back, light apprehension lacing my words.
"You're on" he says back through a loud belly laugh, his reaction causing Missy to look at me with a small smirk.
—-
Honestly I couldn't help myself and wanted to post another chapter. I have a few more already written up and I think I'm going to update as I finish each new chapter. That way if I can't finish a chapter one week, I still have a few extra I can post. If that makes sense! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed!