The operation was taking so long and all I could do was wait.
I was pacing back and forth and must have burned the floor with it because my feet were feeling hot.
Even then though I couldn't stand still!
My mind was all over the place! I was praying to all the Gods that I knew to save Mon.
I don't care who I pray to anymore! The more the merrier I guess. One of them might eventually hear.
During the span of waiting , Mon's parents came and they were utterly confused and distraught!
They couldn't believe that something like this happened to Mon. They were still in denial and so was I.
They had asked way too many questions which I understood but my mind couldn't make myself answer any of them.
Probably because if I say it out loud it would become all too real.
No one knows Mon tried to kill herself. I never confirmed it but I think based on Kate's reaction she knew.
I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to tell them what happened. I'm still making excuses for myself and i'm still trying to make sense of everything.
I still don't know why Mon did it.
I'm still asking myself if she really did it or if it was an accident.
I want the answers to come from her. She had the right to tell us her circumstances and tell us her truth rather than me saying my assumptions.
She deserves to be given a right to explain...if she wanted to...
I hope she does explain because Mon I really need to understand! I have to understand!
The silence was very eerie.
Other than snuffles of tears, my pacing and sighs nothing else could be heard within the halls.
Our emotions were at an all time high and the tension was rising.
All of our eyes were glued to the operating room. Eagerly waiting for anything! An update! A notice... Something! Anything!! But nothing came! So the mood became even worse.
I'm glad that Jim, Kate and Tee stayed. At least they helped with the awkward silence and were very helpful in lightening the mood. They tried albeit awkwardly, but that nevertheless eased the burden of making a conversation.
They also took the task of explaining which I really appreciated.
The clock was ticking. The minutes turned to hours and hours into the next yet there was still no response.
How long have we been waiting? 8 hours? 10 hours? or was it more? I already lost track
All I know is that, this is taking way too long!
I tried asking multiple times for an update but there was no one to ask.
The waiting was extremely torturous. Was Mon ok? Was the surgery going to be successful?
Why is it taking too long? Why is no one telling us anything?
Kate had tried asking me to sit down multiple times already.
They tried to make me rest and leave but how could I leave Mon?
Even if I go home now, there was no way I would be able to rest.
I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid of what my thoughts will drive me to do when i'm alone.
Mom: Sam, when Mon wakes up, we're taking her home
S: what? Please No! Don't take Mon away from me please
Mom: this happened while she was with u Sam.
Plus i don't think u can take care of Mon like this. U can barely take care of urself as it is.
S: i can do it. Please let me do it!
If i can't take care of her properly, i can always hire nurses to stay and take care of her. I'll do anything pls let me stay with Mon.
Mon: was Mon really happy with u Sam?
I know even when ur not telling me. Mon was a great swimmer, she couldn't have possibly drowned. What happened after u guys left? What did u do?
S: I...I... Didn't do anything
Mom: that just convinced me to take Mon more! If u say u did nothing, know nothing, while Mon was driven this far;
that means ur not enough to care for her Sam. Especially not now, not when you're like this! U need to go fix urself first before u can even try to take care of Mon.
S: taking Mon away from me will make me worse. i won't ever get better this way! Please don't do this!
Mom: I am not taking Mon away from u forever Sam.
I know for a fact how much she loves u, but she needs to be away from u for now. U need time apart. I hope u understand that. If something isn't working, u can't force to fix it when u don't even know how.
S: she never told me anything! I tried asking.
Mom: the first thing u have to ask yourself Sam is why?
Why didn't she tell u?
Why was she suffering alone? And what were u doing while she was suffering?
S: I was suffering too...
Mom: which is why i'm telling u it's not working! You're both suffering! U need time apart!
I couldn't completely disagree with her because it is true.
At the end of the day I was clueless.
Mon was hurting so much and I didn't even know!
I was too absorbed with my own pain. I wasn't there for Mon.
But all the more can't I let her go!
I should just be more attentive this time around! I should just be better!
S: Our house is more comfortable. (I tried again)
I can provide her the best comfort and care money can buy and I would love her even more than I already have. I'm not perfect, i have a lot of faults but I really love Mon and I would do everything I can for her
Mom: then give her time Sam. That's what Mon asked u before right? For u to give her space and time. She promised she will come back! I will promise u now, we will give Mon back to u when u are both ready.
S: but how can i leave her when she's like this? Can't i just let her go when she's well again?
Mom: are u sure u would be able to let her go at all?
I was silent because I knew i could never let her go. Now, tomorrow or the day after next
Leaving Mon would kill me and I knew that.
Dad: Sam, we will let u see Mon but she will be staying with us. How about that?
S: How about u stay with me? Our house is big. There's extra rooms and Mon could use the view and the bigger space. Everyone would be more comfortable in our house please. I'm begging you!
Dad: Sam, Mon may not have good memories in your house. It may be too traumatic for her to stay there.
S: it's not mine, it's ours.
Dad: Sam
S: if Mon doesn't like our house anymore. I can buy another one. A bigger one and we can stay there together to care for her. Please!
Dad: let's talk about this after we see Mon. It would still be a decision she has to make. But i need u to respect her choice Sam. If she chooses to stay away from u. U have to give her the space she needs
That was a reality I refuse to believe. A world where Mon chooses to leave me is a world where my skies return to being grey.
Mon u will still choose to be with me right? Right MonMon?
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Hi guys how is everyone?
Author is still sick hahah i came from work dead tired but since my brain was still working I decided to write the chapter for ya!
How's this chapter?
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love,
your sick and lonely author
Cha 🤒😷🤕