When your life gives you all those good moments, it means suddenly something bad is about to happen. Nothing good lasts forever, there will always be something in between that ruins everything and turns upside down the situation. One moment, can ruin everything or be the start of the end.
Once that bad thing starts, nothing will ever be the same.
And that's what happened to me. I didn't know that. I had the feeling but once I decided to live freely, I push it away thinking it was just my mind playing dirty with me.
I didn't have trust in myself. In my feelings. I had to.
But somehow, I didn't want to.
—
Life lately is going amazing.
Everything is working in the way it should work. It seems like I have crossed the whole dark tunnel and now I am on the light road, with a blue sky and the sea next to me. It feels so unreal that I am searching for the downfall. Not because I want to have a breakdown but because I want it to be real and, like this? Nothing seems real. I have lived in hell for years, and suddenly my month has gone well.
I manage to focus on my studies, find my thesis points and arguments, and talk about the internship. Had other dinners with Marina and I also went on another date with Kevin.
It was really good, the date. We went to a not-so-fancy restaurant where I had the most delicious meat I have ever had since I've been living in Italy. We talked about a lot of stuff but not about things that would have ruined the date. He asked me about the university, and why I chose Literature. Kevin also tried to investigate what I wanna do in my future but that's a point I don't even know.
Then we talked about his job. He told me that he wants to try to find another office to work as a lawyer. But he also added: but first I need to clean my back from my father.
When I asked him what that means, he didn't actually answer clearly. «To be sure his dirty work won't affect my future,» he said like it was nothing big.
I tried to know more about what he wanted to say but he cut the conversation off by changing the subjects. Whenever I try to not let my mind control me, something gives me thoughts and Kevin is the best one for giving me confusing signals. Once he seems the best guy ever, and two seconds after seems to hide the biggest secret in the world.
After the date, I let him drop me off at my house. I trusted him enough to let him do it and I thought it would have been nice for him to know. We didn't kiss but we also didn't feel the pressure of doing that. If there is something I have realised is that both want to go slowly. There was no awkward moment before I left the car. We laughed about my joke about stalking me now that he knows where I live.
He opened my car's door and we greeted each other with a slight hug and then I went back home.
That was the last time I saw him in almost a week.
We talk a lot by text and we also started with calls, mostly the night before I go to sleep. As I said, everything seems to be fine but somehow I have this deep feeling in my chest pushing me to the idea of something off. There is something off. It can't be everything so easy. Something must go bad. University, family, him. I need to feel that this is real and to feel real I need the bad thing.
I know it will happen, one day. But until that, I'll keep living day by day.
«Do you think I can ask Antonio to move in with me, for Christmas?»
I am with my head down on the laptop, trying to focus on the third slide of the subject I am studying and when I heard what Giacomo just said to me I hear my heart flip.
We are in the library studying, just the two of us because Antonio had to do a teat-a-teat with one of the teachers. Apparently, they had a little fight in between lessons about something I didn't understand about.
However, I smile at the guy next to me. «What?» My voice is a bit too loud but right now I don't care.
Giacomo smiles a bit. «I have been thinking that if after his studies we want to live, we should first see if cohabitation works.»
I nod. He is not wrong. I think when you are with someone is easy to say I will be with them forever and I can't wait to live with them but actually doing it is totally different. Mostly if you have had your own space for a long time and Antonio has always had problems with sharing. Once we went on summer holidays together and he kicked me out of the house once because he was feeling too tight and he felt no self-space. So I had to spend hours on the beach until he was back to normal and I could head back to the house.
«It won't be easy. I mean, the living together thing. He is hard when it's about sharing but I think you know that too. He will probably be super happy about it but do not give up on him when the hard moments start to level up.»
Giacomo sighs and nods looking at his hands. «I know. We had some discussions when we had some weekends together. It's not easy, mostly when he is the messy one and me the organised one.»
I chuckle and hold his hand. «It's going to be okay. You both love each other, you'll be fine with that.»
It's still deep for me to know that they will leave, once Antonio has finished his studies. I have the feeling nothing will be the same once he will go. He and I have been always together since we met and the moment he will go, there will be just me. And I am still not ready for that but I will never let him know that because he needs to go with a relief chest.
When I go back to study, my head is suddenly full of thoughts that lead me away from focusing. I am still trying to think how is it possible that Kevin cannot leave his father behind, expose him or just leave him. I mean, I would never do that with my father, of course, but we have a different relationship and my dad is not being corrupted and even if someone tries, he hasn't the heart for that.
I think there is something deeper under the skin and I need to find it out.
—
It's Monday again and the week already started badly.
The weather today is what Milan is famous for, rainy. When I wake up, I don't feel the sun on my skin, I just feel it has never been morning. The sky is filled with dark grey clouds and it's already raining, probably for hours. I am still laying in my bed, trying to find the strength to stand up and get ready. I have had conflicts between staying at home and still going to lessons; this would have been a challenge for me, leaving the house even if the weather is bad. I am putting together my life and I can't let the rain get me.
I leave my bed, run into the bathroom and shower. When I am out, I feel like a new person and ready to fight whoever will try to get in my way. I try to call Antonio, to ask if he is coming but he hasn't reply my calls and text since he had a talk with the teacher and I am thinking that he will take some days to stay by himself.
He always does that when he wants to avoid unnecessary discussions or fights.
I remember once on our first days in university, he fought with some dude because he called him faggot. I was also so mad with the guy, but I tried to tell Antonio that starting a fight is not the answer. He never listened to me at the beginning but once he almost lost the year for his behaviour, he started to ignore them. And by ignore, I mean to stay at home until he feels okay.
And that's probably what he is doing now, I just want to hear if he is okay but I know he will call me when he feels to.
After getting dressed, I eat a quick sandwich with Nutella and leave. I decided to take the subway even only for one stop, so I won't arrive totally wet at the university. While I am sitting in the subway, I check my phone to see if Kevin has written anything to me. I don't care who was the last who left the text that has to be the one waiting for the start of the chat, in fact, this morning I gave him the Morning not even caring if mine was the last text from yesterday and it seems like even he doesn't care about it.
But he hasn't replied yet and usually, he is quick.
Once I arrived outside the university, someone is there waiting for me. I feel it by her deep look into my eyes like she was there waiting for a long time.
I step towards her. Why is she here when Kevin told me she was homeschooling? I take a deep breath and she also walks in my direction. She has her dark black hair all wet from the rain, and also her dresses are soaked. Is she fine? Has she been under actual control?
«I know this may be weird but I wanted to thank you.»
I stop right in front of her, under my opened umbrella e the shock painted in my eyes. «You didn't have to walk all around to just say this to me.»
She smiles and this is probably the first time I see her doing that. She still has really pale skin and cheek holes. She is wearing make-up, so she seems a bit better but I have the hard impression it's just a mask.
«I wanted to tell you in person and not push Kevin to do it.»
The shock in my eyes is now noticeable. She knows I meet Kevin and she probably knows that I have helped her from him. «Hm— yeah. You're welcome. Are you okay now?»
She nods, slowly. «Not fully but I am trying.»
Then silence surrounds us. She is looking at me deeply like she is finding something in my head. Her eyes are so light, now that I am really close to her but so empty. I feel a weird sensation by looking at her like she is a ghost and I am the only one watching her. I have chills but I don't know if it's from the weather or her. I am trying to find something to say but my mind just randomly stopped working.
«Now I get why he is so into you,» she says with no hesitation and my heart flips.
He is into me? «What?»
«Nothing, I was just thinking out loud. Anyway, thank you again. Have a nice day, I have to go.»
And she leaves. Once I turn my head to check on her, she is already gone. Why do I have the feeling this may have been the first and last time I talked with her?
I turn my head back to the University and I step in with a heavy chest and mind.
Now I get why he is so into you.
He talked with her about me. And he told her that he is into me. Or maybe she just figured by herself. Am I getting crazy? What's going on? This week has started in a really weird way and I don't know how it will end and if it will end the same way it started.
Of course, my mind doesn't work during lessons. I try so hard, to keep my concentration on the teachers' words but all I can hear is her voice keeps talking in my mind. How is that possible that she knew that? I mean, the obvious answer is that he told her, but how did they arrive to talk about me? By her incident here? Maybe she asked him if he knew who helped her, and he said my name but then she had probably asked how did he know and then the whole conversation would have been with me ad the subject.
I shake my head. Focus on the lesson. And why should he had say that he is into me? Maybe she figured it out by the way he talked with her?
I flinch when my phone vibrates on the desk, making a noise that made also the person next to me turn.
I ask sorry while I take the phone to check who texted me. It's Antonio. Finally.
Tonio
Sorry for the silence, I needed space. Are you up to meeting after your lessons?
Maybe have dinner together.
You can sleep here and together we go together at university.
When he asks me to sleep with him, it means that he needs a full distract day. And I am so into it.
Sure. I will stop by home to bring some stuff and then reach you.
I have some weird news to tell you, you'll like it.
Tonio
That's what I need.
See ya later, love you.
—
«That's what she said?»
I am sitting on Antonio's sofa, with hot cocoa in my hands and my head turned to his figure still in front of the kitchen. He is washing his mug and tidying the mess he left from the past messy days he had.
I nod and take a sip of my drink while I move a bit to get comfortable on the pillow. «Like, it was already a weird talk, but when he mentioned him being into me... I freeze up.»
Antonio turns his head over me, stopping the mug movement on the tap. «I mean, it's not a bad thing. It's good that she told you that. It's just weird that she knows it. It means that they're intimate. I mean, like us.»
I huff pushing my head back and closing my eyes. Whatever they are, whatever they talked about, I need to stop to think about that otherwise I will get sick of it. I put down the mug and stand up. «Are you up for a game at the play? I need to clear my mind.»
Five minutes after, we're screaming at the tv, playing Gran Turismo. We have the same points and this is the last race we're doing, so we're trying to distract each other to push the game over but neither of us is failing. In the end, I win with 0,500 secs of distance. Antonio is really mad about that but he is laughing, which means he is fine and his head is clear.
«I forgot how bad you were with this game,» I comment while laying down on the couch, stretching my legs on his lap.
He snorts while he pushes my legs away and goes to turn off the console. «I let you win, of course.»
«You liar. You can't accept that I am stronger than you.»
He tilts his head towards me. «Next time we try with real cars, what do you think?»
«I can still beat you, hun.»
Antonio laughs and comes back to me. With a sigh, he sits.
«Are you okay? What happened with the teachers?»
I know he feels better about not talking about it but I think it's good if he lets it out. «Nothing big. We talked, but then he told me that I am not giving as much as I should. That, if I keep skipping some lessons, it will be hard for me to keep up.»
«I know it's hard but you'll do it, I am sure.»
He gives me a look that feels like giving up. «I just want to graduate so I can live in this freaking country.»
«I know and you'll do it. Don't give up. Look at me. In only two weeks, my life has totally changed. It means that nothing is lost. You can do it, you just need to believe more in yourself.»
He sighs and nods before looking back at me. «Thank you. For always been here for me.»
«What best friends are for?» I smile and pat him on the shoulder.
He suddenly seems to have a full charge of adrenaline. He sits still and looks at me. «Have you ever made some research on Kevin?»
«Why this question?» Now that he has mentioned him, I am still waiting for the morning answer. What the hell is happening? Why he is not answering?
Antonio laughs. «Because I wanna see if there is something weird in his google research.»
«There is nothing,» I start, laying back on the couch. «I already tried.»
My friend huffs, looking away, thinking about something. «What about his father? He has a legal office, there will surely be something related to Kevin.»
«I don't think you can find something about Kevin by searching for his father.»
Antonio sighs. «You always take away all the fun.»
It's just that I don't wanna look like a creep by searching for whatever is connected to him just to know more about him. And honestly, I am afraid I can find out something that I don't like about that family. When I first searched for Kevin, I didn't pay attention to the results. I went on Instagram and checked if there was some face like his to see if he didn't use someone else. But that's it. And I am okay with that... Am I?
«You'll be fine without knowing it,» I start by looking at him. «Besides, his father is an asshole so it's better to let him go.»
Antonio moves his head to me. «Why?»
I sigh. «He told me that his father is corrupted so he lets win whoever pays more.»
«Porca puttana.* It's bad.»
I nod and shrug. «Kevin also told me that he would like to expose him but since it's still his father...»
I still disagree a lot with his point of view but we're all different and not everyone can be the same. Maybe one day he will actually expose him and I'll be there laughing at him but still, I don't want to get in anyone's business. I already have my shit to deal with, I don't need other's stuff on my back.
«Yeah, father-ship can be hard. I get what he means but still, I would expose him so badly.»
«I mean, it depends on the kind of family you have and why he does that. If my father would do the same because we need money, it would be hard for me too. But they seem rich, not in need of money.»
«You don't actually know what's going on in his life, so...»
Yeah, I know that. The conversation ended there. We kept having fun, talking about random stuff, Giacomo also joined us for dinner and then I left them alone to get unready and try to rest a bit.
Once I am laying in bed, my mind starts to run by itself on what Antonio said about searching for Kevin's father, instead of him. Now, it doesn't seem so a bad idea. I mean, I am by myself and no one would think I am a freak because no one would know. It's just pure curiosity, to know what he looks like and to see the website because if he has so many clients, it means that he can sell himself.
I take my phone, go on google and then I stop. The name. What's the name? I try to go back to our first date with my memory and to focus on when we talked about our family. I remember that he told me his father is fully Italian, so his name must be an Italian one. I thought about some of the most famous Italian names such as Antonio, Francesco, Davide, Giorgio... Giuseppe! I remember now because when he told me that name, it reminded me how many times I have always confused Giacomo with Giuseppe.
I type those names. Giuseppe Adonis. And the seconds after, are pure chaos.
I sit still, with my head pulsing. The first result that came out is a Wikipedia page about a certain Joe Adonis but the full name is Giuseppe Antonio Doto. When I open the website, what I read makes my heart pulse even worse.
Joe Adonis alias Giuseppe Antonio Doto was a well-known leader of New York's and partner of Lucky Luciano.
I keep reading the page and it doesn't seem like Kevin's father but what if they are related? It can't be possible. Mafia. Adonis seems to be a very specific last name that is correlated with this lifestyle. May it be a thing that he is not related to this? Maybe it is just a funny coincidence.
I feel like I am about to go crazy. I take a deep breath, look away from my phone and try to control my racing mind. It seems like all my fears and doubts have now a reality and I have never been the overdramatic one. The feeling in my stomach was right and this is the bad thing I needed to feel to realise that everything is real.
I can't date a mafia guy. It's not like in the movies where it seems to be all romantic. His is real life, dangerous and it is not what I need.
But maybe they're not related.
My phone vibrates, telling me that I have a new text. I take it with trembling hands. It's surely him. I am here with Antonio, my father knows that I am not sleeping at home. I have no other friends.
Kevin is the only one whom I talk with. I look down at my screen and I see his name brighten my face.
Kevin
I know it's super late, and I am sorry.
I had I think the busiest day ever.
To do what? Busy to handle mafia things? Killing someone? Selling some weapons? Jesus. I will never recover from this until I will talk with him about it and see with my eyes what he will say. If he will deny it, confess it or both and makes me more confused.
It's okay, I was busy too.
Suddenly, I don't like to text him. I don't know how to feel and my body is not reacting well. I still didn't find anything about his father. Maybe I can search for his name with 'lawyer' next to the name. Maybe he is a real lawyer and what I have found is just another family.
So I search it, with 'lawyer' next to Adonis and nothing came out, just the same page as before.
The phone buzzes again.
Kevin
Everything's fine?
Yes. Just need some rest, night.
I turn quickly off my phone and lay in the bed with my head under the pillow. There is no way I am going to let this go. Tomorrow, with a fresh mind, I will text him that I need to talk with him and so we will meet each other to talk. I don't know how he will feel about it and I don't even care. I knew from the first moment that it wasn't a good idea. My feelings never fail me. Why didn't I listen to myself? Now I have to deal with the reality of it and right after I started to like him. To be into him, as he is into me... the girl. What if the girl is also involved in this? That's why they're connected. Maybe they were lovers but their families are rivals.
Stop it. I turn myself to the other side and force myself to close my eyes and think about something that is not about the mafia, Kevin or anything connected. I try to think about my mom.
What would she tell me? She has always been the fly high one. She would have told me to still try, to be nice to him, to find the good things in what he does and keep going.
But I am not her. I am not a fly-high person. I am a pessimist over thinker and I don't like this situation and where it can end. With me dead.
God, I will never sleep after this. I sigh, facing the ceiling and think about how hard my life has started to be for two months. How do I go back on when everything was messed up but still good? How do I find the right way to live without fist have touched the wrong one? How many times do I need to fall, before I can actually stay still? My walls aren't strong enough to push away what I don't need in my life.
Somehow, when I think I don't need something, that thing becomes my first on the list.
And right now, it has one name: Kevin Adonis.
—
TRANSLATION:
Porca puttana.*: Holy shit.
AUTHOR SPACE:
New chapter alert! What do we have here? Rivelations!! Enede finds out something very deep about Kevin but she doesn't know if that's the truth or not. She has deep doubts about that because she always knew there was something off but at the same time she doesn't want to believe that. She feels a connection with Kevin and if that's the truth... it means the needs to cut everything she was about to do with him.
On the other hand, Kevin feels something is off but he lets her go. As always, giving her time. Do you think he knows that she have found out the truth? Or do you think he is feeling she has one of her other trust issue moments?
Also, we see a bit more Antonio here because he deserves more attention. Since she has meet Kevin, her best friend is feeling lonely and she is stepping back somehow so he points that out. It's true but Enede doesn't do that on purpose. Luckily, they fix everything.
ALSO, YOU CAN FIND THE TRAILER OF THE BOOK ON YOUTUBE (the link is with the chapter's cover) I hope you watch it and will like it!!
Q: what do you think about Enede research? How do you think Kevin will react?
Love ya,
Benny :*
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME.