They managed to leave the bathroom eventually, the wet floor perfunctorily wiped dry with towels until Levi was halfway satisfied. The low buzz of voices drifted up from downstairs. How much time had passed? Zoë's legs were wobbly from the recent exertion, but when she stumbled on the wooden stairs like a klutz, Levi's hand shot forward to steady her. And it stayed on her arm all the way down.
Despite this physical closeness, they didn't speak on their descent. Possible that they should have - but in part, the silence was comforting. After all, she was rendered rather speechless by how she felt after joining her body with his, realizing with a kind of wonderment that it wasn't only the body that was satisfied, but her very soul. However, the silence was also like a persistent ache you tried to pointlessly ignore. Step by step down the stairs, they lost the opportunity to start the conversation they both knew they needed to have.
You're leaving tomorrow. You're always leaving tomorrow. What if we never say what we should say to each other? What if one of us doesn't return? What if it is already too late?
"They're in here," Zoë said once the stairs ended much too soon, her hand reaching for the door latch. Not that Levi needed her explanation: The excited chatter of the 104th that drifted to their ears spoke for itself. Armin was just telling his comrades an anecdote from his job in the apothecary. There was laughter. It was so good to hear the young ones like this, reunited, and happy.
Yet, it made her feel strange, like someone who needs to eavesdrop because she wasn't invited to a party. There was a distance between her and them that hadn't been there before she had become the Commander. She used to be their confidante, even their friend despite the difference in age - now she was only their superior. Their conversations changed when she stepped near, became a tad more careful and polite. Sure, intellectually, she understood that it was due to honest respect and their hard military training, but emotionally, it hurt. Everyday, she struggled with her responsibilities, questioning herself endlessly. She was the same person - and yet couldn't be.
As their Commander, she had to be larger than herself, all the time, just like Erwin had been. Those were the standards she had set for herself because without them, she wouldn't be able to believe she was worthy of this position. But tonight, instead of ensuring everyone's well-being, she had forgotten herself in her own pleasure. If she jeopardized and lost their respect, what would she be left with?
"How loud were we?" She whispered, feeling a type of mounting mortification. Anxiety was the professional word for it, much too much anxiety.
"Stop fretting needlessly," Levi made a somewhat irritated gesture that took his hand from her arm. "They know we occasionally hook up, who gives a shit. Everybody fucks. It's the most natural thing in the world."
"Everybody fucks...?" She echoed incredulously, trying to catch his eye in the semi-darkness that engulfed them. "Don't tell me... What were you guys doing while we were apart? You know about sexual disease, right? Or maybe I didn't tell you? Did you check how your kids were..."
"Woah, Hanji," Levi put his hand on her arm again and pressed it. Hard. "Stop right there. They're nineteen. They're adults. They're healthy. They know how babies are made and they know that pleasure is an important part of life. They also know that life in the Survey Corps is short. Ergo..."
"Really, Levi," Zoë forgot to drop her voice in her agitation. "I would never have thought you would be this... this irresponsible! This mission is probably the most important one we've ever been on and we cannot just go around saying 'everybody fucks, no big deal'! It is a big deal, especially here!"
"I don't understand you," Levi shook his head. "Of course everybody fucks. Except maybe Kirshtein. We just fucked, not that it's a frequent enough occurrence..."
"Levi, I can't believe you don't understand how I...!"
"No regrets," Levi said resolutely and pushed the door open for her, "they're useless, Hanji. The past is the past."
The kids who sat around the table fell abruptly quiet when they entered the downstairs kitchen.
"H... hi!" Zoë smiled, fiddling with a lock of hair that was tickling her cheek.
"Commander! Captain!" The 104th saluted as if they didn't in the least care what their two superior officers had just been doing.
"You're right on time," Ernst put an apple pie on the table with a smile, his hands protected by huge oven gloves. Three ones were already there, smelling heavenly. "Everybody's stomachs were growling, so I thought I'd better bake something. Big day tomorrow after all, right?"
"Thank you, Ernst," Zoë smiled extra brightly, looking for signs of displeasure in his face, yet finding none. He looked tired though, with dark hues underneath his eyes and stubble forming on his chin. "Sorry we kept you waiting, I know it's late."
"We used the other bathtub," Conny informed her in a chipper voice, "all of us who stank."
"Ah...," Zoë blushed, "yes, sorry about that..."
"We decided to get extra clean," Levi chuckled and sat down next to Mikasa, looking expectantly at the pies. His hair was still damp. In his civilian clothing, freshly bathed, he looked young and strangely carefree. Zoë swallowed hard. Not that she should still want to jump his bones after their extended tryst in the bathroom, but being celibate for months had obviously done a number on her.
Like he knew her thoughts, Levi winked at her... and she very quickly sat down and looked away, her face heating up.
"Can I start cutting?" Sasha salivated, knife in hand.
"Didn't you already eat at that restaurant?" Conny complained. "You will get really fat!"
"Who cares!" Sasha smacked her lips. "I'd rather be fat than miss out on good food! I'd take you there, Conny, if I didn't already know you'd embarrass me!"
"Embarrass you?! Like how?"
"You'd eat with your hands! You'd smack your lips! Niccolo cooks in a fine dining restaurant."
"Oh, fine dining, I see," Conny mocked her. "I bet they cook with water too!"
"You wouldn't understand," Sasha pouted. "I probably won't get any good food in the zone, they're even poorer than we were. Commander, can we eat now that you're finally here?"
"Yes, yes, of course!"
Mikasa glowered unhappily, her arms crossed in front of her chest. Both Jean and Armin, who flanked her, seemed uncomfortable because of it. It had to be about Eren's absence, there was no way she was going to relax until he was back.
"So, Armin," Zoë tried to start an innocuous conversation, "you were telling the others about your day earlier, did anything interesting happen?"
"Ah," he blushed and cleared his throat, "yeah, in a way. You see, Commander, today, someone came to ask for birth control."
Of all topics.
"Oh," she replied nonchalantly. "I hope you did help her?"
"It was a man," Armin explained. "I told him to wear condoms, but he was adamant he hated them and wanted something else. Apparently, he had always worn three over each other to make extra sure his wife wouldn't get pregnant again!"
"And then his willy almost fell off because of it!" Conny grinned, spoiling the punchline.
"The poor man," Zoë chuckled sympathetically.
"Actually, I told him about spermicide jelly," Armin continued eagerly. "It's something new, imported from another continent - the woman rubs a chemical into her vagina which kills all the sperms, and apparently, it works quite well!"
"What the fuck, Armin!" Mikasa complained. "I'm trying to eat here!"
"Who would willingly rub chemicals into their vagina?" Sasha shook herself. "I bet it hurts!"
"Better it hurts the woman than me," Conny declared.
"Idiot!" Sasha hit him over the head. "Have you ever wondered why no woman wants to see you more than once?"
"Yeah, often," Jean murmured.
"Told you so," Levi smirked in Zoë's direction and started to shovel pie into his mouth. The little shit.
"Birth control is very political," Ernst joined the conversation, "the government does not like the sustained drop in fertility."
"Yes," Armin agreed, "I heard about public security making their rounds to confiscate the spermicide! Is it true, Doctor von Bergmann?"
"It's certainly like them," the Doctor mused, seating himself next to Zoë with a tankard in his hand that was now free of the baking glove. "We are losing too many men through endless wars."
"Eldians, you mean," Levi interjected. "As if Marley was capable of fighting their own wars, bloody weaklings."
"I won't contradict you," Ernst said politely, helping himself to some pie and some ale from the tankard that he placed on the table for everyone to share. "They're most afraid birth control could reach the internment zone. You're going in there at a dangerous time. A new, militant resistance movement is forming."
"I think we can handle it," Levi replied moodily.
"I don't doubt it."
Was Ernst looking at Levi in a somewhat funny way? Zoë knew Levi didn't hold particularly tender feelings towards the doctor, but was the feeling mutual? Maybe she shouldn't care about it, but her wish was for the two men to like each other.
"We will move back to our house in one, two days," Zoë said to catch Ernst's attention. "After the riots have quieted down."
After Levi has left.
"Are you sure?" Ernst looked concerned. "With the authorities watching you?"
"How do you know about that...?"
"You told me."
Had she? Fidgeting with her glasses, she tried to remember when.
"It's better if we pretend all is well," she finally said, piercing her fork into the piece of apple pie on her plate. "I need to return to the Research Facility at the earliest possible moment."
"I wish I could go to the internment zone too," Armin sighed longingly.
"Nah, you can't come, Armin," Connie narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "that's our part of the mission, sorry you have a lame-ass job!"
"I am thinking that maybe Eren wants to gain entrance too," Armin told them.
Zoë perked up - it was always worthwhile to listen to Armin's conjectures.
"That sneaky bastard," Levi helped himself to a second piece of the pie. "Care to tell us why you come to that conclusion?"
"I keep going back to something he said a while ago," Armin looked nervously back and forth between them. "It struck me as strange then, but even more so after he disappeared."
"Let's hear it," Levi murmured. "To me, pretty much everything Eren has been saying is strange."
"He said... I wish I could speak to the Beast Titan before Captain Levi kills him."
"Hmmm...," Zoë bit her lip. "That does sound suspicious!"
"Arlert, I think you're onto something," Levi frowned. "It would explain the bad company he was seen in. The Bindellas are capable of getting someone into the zone. And out, for the right price. The riots would suit him too, I bet there are fewer security guards around the internment zone right now than usual."
"Let me join you!" Mikasa sprang up. "I will drag him back by the ears!"
"Won't work," Jean took her arm to pull her back down. "It took us months to obtain the papers and fake Eldian identities. You can't get in without them."
"But I..."
"Shut up, Ackerman," Levi snapped. "I do understand that you consider yourself Eren's watchdog, but you will not jeopardize this mission. If Eren's in the internment zone, I assure you I will kick him back out stat for you to pull those ears for good measure."
"Yes, sir," Mikasa gritted her teeth. "Understood, sir."
"But why would he want to talk to the Beast Titan?" Zoë mused.
"Cause they're half-brothers," Levi put his face into his hands with a sigh. "I was warned earlier today by someone from my past but might have been a little too preoccupied before the fight to connect the pieces. I'm sorry."
"Tybur," Zoë remembered with one of those unpleasant shocks that run through your body to remind you you live in a world that is out to kill you, "he told you they shouldn't meet!"
"You met Willy Tybur?" Ernst yelled, his glasses sliding all the way down his nose.
"No need to flip out," Levi frowned. "No, I met the other one. Appius."
"Fuck," Ernst groaned. "That's not good. He is a known trouble-maker. If he is around..."
"Yes, we know that," Levi got up abruptly. "Doc, would you care to put new bandages around my wound? I think I need them."
"What? Now?"
"Very much now, yes."
Oh boy, Zoë thought with a sinking feeling. They will never be friends.
###
Levi did feel the wound a little but he felt the need to get the doctor to spill his beans much more acutely. So he knew both of the Tybur brothers? Trying to keep his impulse to smack him against the wall under control, Levi followed the towering man to his office.
"Please have a seat," von Bergmann said, gesturing towards the examination couch, then rummaged through a cupboard for bandages and disinfectants. When he turned around with the necessary items in his hands, he regarded Levi warily.
"You don't like me, Mr. Smith?"
"That's not my name."
"Alright. You don't like me, Mr. Ackerman. Why is that?"
"Because I think you're a lying piece of shit," Levi snarled.
"Hm. What am I lying about, according to you?" The Doctor stepped closer. "Take off your shirt and lift your arms, please."
"You know people you shouldn't know as a good doctor."
"Is that so?" He applied disinfectant onto Levi's knife wound, not very gently. "Have you ever considered the possibility that you simply don't know enough to judge me?"
"No, I follow my instincts and they never lie."
"Ha," the Doctor scoffed. "Your instincts are to protect, are they not? Especially Zoë Hange."
Lightning fast, Levi grabbed the other man's hand in a strong grip, satisfied when bones grated against each other and the doctor winced.
"You are officially in very dangerous territory, Ernst," he growled. "Hanji and my relationship is none of your business."
"I need those hands," the Doctor's eyes narrowed angrily. "Don't act like a thug."
One last application of pressure that could break bones, then Levi released the other man against his better judgment. But Hanji would be furious if he hurt this man, and he didn't want her to be angry with him. Not when there was a whole night together to be had.
"Alright," the Doctor shook his abused hand, then moved all the fingers carefully. "Let me be entirely honest with you. Yes, I admire Zoë, she is a marvelous human being, so full of curiosity, so incredibly intelligent... There is nothing I would rather see than her being happy, conducting experiments, working as the scientist she is. It took us months to get her access to the Titan research facility. Yes, I needed to pull many, many strings. I know people I shouldn't know? That's ridiculous, Mr. Ackerman: I know the people I need to know to make a good life here in Liberio. That starts with the Tyburs. Whom I went to school with."
Levi pressed his lips together angrily. Of course, the doctor knew how to talk, it just fit the bill perfectly. He "admired" Hanji? That made him want to rip his head off, the flabby giant.
"I said to lift your arms."
The doctor began to wrap fresh bandages around his middle when he did. He smelled domestic, like apple pie and ale.
"I know what you are, Mr. Ackerman."
"What am I?"
"The perfect fighting machine. The way your wound is healing... it is astonishing and out of the ordinary."
"Is that why you came to the underground fight tonight? To confirm that?"
"Yes and no. I came to see how Donatello Bindella would fare against one of your kind. See? I'm not lying. I know very well what kind of experiments Tybur is conducting in those facilities. A few years ago, they started to use Titan fluids on non-Eldian volunteers. They gave such a serum to Donatello because he asked for it. Sadly, it wasn't ready."
That sounded unpleasant. And stupid.
"Does Hanji know?"
"We might have talked about it, I can't recall. If she doesn't yet know, she will very soon. You see, Marley is kind of desperate: Things are not going well for us. The era of Titans is coming to its end - weapons technology is advancing too fast. It's a matter of years, at most a decade."
"So you're trying to breed some kind of super-soldier to gain back your advantage, is that what you're saying?"
It seemed the Tybur brothers had that goal in common. Only that Appius wanted super soldiers for himself, in order to topple his brother from the secret throne, whereas Willy wanted super soldiers for Marley, to ensure their continued rule. To Levi, it didn't make much of a difference either way - all the Tyburs needed to be thrown in prison in his opinion. Or, if necessary, be killed.
"That is what I am saying. But it's not 'you'. It's 'them'. I do not condone human experiments and I do not believe that super-soldiers are what we should invest in. I'm a man of peace."
The doctor cut the bandages to size, then tied them off carefully.
"Show me your head wound too," he commanded. "You might need stitches." But the Doctor shook his head after only a few moments. "No, you don't need stitches, thanks to those healing powers. But you need some advice, Ackerman."
Ernst von Bergmann threw Levi his shirt as he stepped back to lean against a cupboard, his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking down his absurdly long nose.
"The only nation not terrified of you Eldians is Hizuru, thanks to the Azumabitos. I understand that they're after your natural resources, and that they wished to engage with the female Ackerman, who also carries part of their bloodline. But don't be fooled by their friendliness. It isn't selfless: They know about the Ackermans just as we know about the Ackermans."
Here we go again, Levi thought. Am I the only one who doesn't know?
"With only two of you left in the entire world, you are one of the most valuable human beings alive, Mr. Ackerman," a small smile played on the doctor's lips, like this was some kind of joke to him. "As soon as word spreads that you are here - and I guess your little public stunt tonight will ensure that - you will be hunted. Mercilessly. Marley is that desperate."
"And what will they do to me once they have me?" Levi quipped. "Fuck me?"
"Breeding is not out of the question," von Bergmann shrugged, "but it's too slow. No, they will use their equipment to analyze your blood. They will try to replicate what was done to your ancestors. They will try to unravel the details of your making."
Nobody had ever officially told him, but Levi wasn't stupid, he had put the pieces of the puzzle together a while ago - at the latest when he had finally thrown that useless worm-eaten book off the rooftop back at their HQ. He would never be free of this legacy. Ackermans are freaks, abominations. No wonder they were hunted and eradicated.
"Titan fluids," he murmured. It was incredibly repulsive to think that his blood was sullied by that.
"If it worked once, why should it not work again?" The doctor sighed, righting his glasses. "We're living in the age of science after all."
Maybe that was the reason why he hated it so much here, Levi thought bitterly. Science. He wanted nothing to do with it.
"I still don't trust you," he jumped down from the examination couch and slipped into his shirt. "But I believe that you have Hanji's best interest at heart. Let her go gaga over your science in that facility as long as she can."
"Hm. She'd need years to get anywhere."
"We don't have years," Levi growled, his anger once again surging. Anger... and something else. Fear?
"You know," the Doctor turned his back and began tidying up his practice, "I believe she could do it. Find a solution to your Eldian problem. A scientific solution."
"Fuck you," Levi said and left, slamming the door. But he had heard the Doctor. Heard him and understood him. It made him want to throw and kick things. And drag Hanji away from here, far, far away.
###
The bed was too narrow for two people and that made it kind of perfect: it was impossible not to touch. Levi's skin against hers was warm, almost hot, in some parts silky, in some parts rough or gnarly under her fingers.
"Don't you need to sleep?" She had asked from the depth of the (slightly uncomfortable) couch when he had come down the stairs to check where she was.
"You promised to sleep in my bed, Hanji. I've been waiting."
She hadn't promised anything but he sounded like he was pouting and damn, she could think about Commanders having to behave all day and feel inadequate and guilty because she was lacking, but she could not resist Levi like this! This time, she would stay quiet though, that at least she vowed, and maybe they were both too tired for any more action...
Well, no.
As soon as they were in the room and the door was closed, clothes came off and the kissing started, the kind of kissing that already feels like sex because it gets you in your core and makes you wet and eager for more. They fell on the bed where his touch turned her into a mewling mess. Judging from his smirk she could make out in the dark, that pleased him immensely.
Bottom line was, they weren't quiet. Not unlikely that he was echoing her expressions of pleasure deliberately, maybe to mark his territory. Animals did that and this certainly felt very animalistic. After a while, it became impossible to mind: Hands, mouth, and his dick at the end drove her into a mindless frenzy.
She orgasmed strongly, her limbs shaking pitifully. Levi, equally spent, collapsed on top of her, his head resting against her neck.
"Hmmmmm," he sighed.
His semen trickled out of her, hot and sticky. A mess on the bed, another thing to worry about. Tomorrow. Also... a sudden reminder that she might need to consult someone about birth control as well soon.
"Ernst thinks he might be able to fix my hormonal imbalance," she told Levi, both her arms slung around his body to hold him extra tight.
"What is that and what fucking business of his is it?" He grumbled.
"He's my doctor, Levi. He has really helped me with my vertigo and my eye. I don't bleed like other women, remember?"
"Is that a problem?" He murmured, his breath tickling her pleasantly. "Sounds like a hassle to me."
"It can have health repercussions," she explained. "When I get older. If I get older."
"You will get very, very old," he sounded sleepy. "Very old. I'll make sure."
He didn't say sweet things very often but when he did, it made her want to cry.
"There is something called 'steroid chemistry'," she quickly added to mask her sudden emotions, "a new thing developed by a scientist called Adolf Windaus. Ernst thinks we could try that."
"Stop talking about him!" Levi boxed her in the ribs. "I'm sleepy. I like to lie on top of you, it's comfortable."
"What did you two talk about?" She inquired. Since Levi hadn't told her anything afterwards, she assumed his suspicions of Ernst had not been substantiated.
"That you should eat lots of apples."
"What?"
"It keeps the doctor away," he mumbled.
That made her laugh.
"Stop moving so much, I'm trying to sleep here." It was great to hear the smile in his voice.
"Get off me, midget," she pushed him away, but rolled with his body so that they lied chest to chest. That called for some kissing. It was slow and lazy and comforting.
"You really like science, don't you, Hanji?" He murmured, his hand stroking her hair.
"Fuck yes," she exclaimed. "Science is life!"
"Hm," Levi murmured. "Thought so. How long do you think you need in that Titan research facility until you are satisfied?"
"Another lifetime," she smiled. "There is so much to learn and so much to explore!"
"Hm," he murmured even more softly. "I see."