🎶 Home - Catie Turner
Published on 25.02.2023
❝ i miss you when i least expect it,
so when are you coming home? ❞
🥀
Ayansh couldn't even walk inside his penthouse. No sooner did the elevator open and he exited, his legs gave up as he fell on his knees and a strangled sob broke through him.
The world seemed to be closing on him and his lungs were struggling to draw in air. His throat felt tight and his hazel eyes couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down his face. He wanted to disappear, disappear to the point his body was nothing but a mosaic of cells, cells invisible to the naked eye, scattered and buried deep within the earth with no intention of getting found.
Ayansh stared at the closed door, weeping silently. Grief has a way of draping itself around you in the most excruciating way. His heart ached when he remembered the way Inaaya was curled up in his lap, cradled in his arms as if he was holding a broken piece of glass whose edges were piercing into him, drawing out blood, making him bled and he couldn't do anything except clung onto that broken shard for it would kill him to let it go. It was better to bleed than to be killed.
She would have been dead.
The woman who meant the most to him, the one who makes him want to see another day, who makes him hope, who isd his sun and his entire universe would've been dead if he didn't reach there. Another sharp pang of pain shot up his spine as if someone just burnt him with a hot iron rod and he let out an agonizing scream.
How could he be so oblivious? How could everyone who stayed with her, under the same roof be so oblivious?
How did nobody question her desperate pleas? The hints have been all there, around them, scattered, waiting to be connected and yet never did anyone try to pick on those hints. Even if she was too good at veiling her emotions, it's impossible to believe that she never cracked, never slipped, never let her facade break which made her scarred self surface.
But then, how do you imagine the worst scenario happening to the ones you love? You don't, you can't. Inaaya had been running her whole life, trying to escape but weren't everyone around her doing the same? How are they any different when they suppressed their doubts regarding the strangeness in her behaviour by trivial excuses? Was the only reason that he never forced her to say the truth was because he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or a part of him was scared for himself too that he wouldn't be able to handle it? That he wouldn't know how to deal with it, that words would fail him and actions would betray.
Maybe everyone was too scared to look beyond the closed door.
Because when the door would open, they wouldn't know if they had to cross it, loiter around it or simply avoid it.
And now, that the door has been opened, Ayansh finds himself in the same position.
He couldn't be a coward. For everything Inaaya had endured, not just for a day but years, facing her Dad daily and pretending nothing was wrong, keeping an ocean of pain within herself and never letting it pour out on anyone, justice was the bare minimum she deserved and for that, he had to cross the threshold and step in.
Ayansh sniffled and took a shaky breath as he stood on his unsteady legs. He unlocked the door of his penthouse and stepped in. He slid onto the chair and removed his phone, dialling the one number he ought to.
Inaaya struggled to open her eyes. Her eyelashes were adhered to each other due to her incessant crying earlier. She didn't realise when she fell asleep. She blinked, trying to adjust to the light and looked around, taking in her surroundings. Her eyes fell on Maya who was sitting beside her, staring at her with worry. Realisation dawns and she once again looks around, this time, more frantically.
"Ayansh?" Her voice was desperate. On getting no response, she turned to Maya. "He le— left?" Her eyes teared up as her voice cracked.
"He said he'll be back." Maya answers quickly, trying to reassure. "He'll be back soon."
Slight relief mingled with conflict crawls up her veins.
"What happened?" Maya questions, her forehead creasing. "What's wrong?"
Inaaya's body tenses up. She couldn't tell her. She couldn't go through another round of breakdown without his arms being there to hold her. She couldn't let her fall when she knew he wouldn't be here to catch her. She shakes her head on instinct. "Nothing," she swallows.
Maya stares for a long moment, debating if she should push Inaaya further or just let it go. "Fine," she says finally and stands up. "Go and freshen up, I'll heat the food."
Inaaya was about to protest but shuts up when her friend glares.
"You haven't eaten anything and I'm not going to let you starve yourself," she adds sternly and leaves the room, letting the door fall close behind her.
Exhausted, she drags herself to the bathroom, trying to keep her mind empty so as to avoid the insecurity trying to gnaw at her impatiently to make her feel more miserable than she already was. Ayansh will be back, she told herself.
Maya entered with the tray of food when Inaaya returned after a shower. An eerie fear tugged at Maya's heart to see Inaaya look so defeated. She kept the food on the table and Inaaya sat across it. Her eyes fell on the food and confusion mars her face.
Inaaya looked up at Maya. "You made this?" She asks, disbelief lingering behind each word to see the steamed rice and dal. Maya never cooked Indian food.
Maya shakes her head in denial. "Ayansh did."
"He doesn't know how to cook." The statement just falls past her lips before she could even think twice.
A flicker of amusement crosses Maya's eyes. "I ain't lying," she states. "He cooked this; the tomato soup, rice and dal. He was right beside you all the time and it was only when I came back home, did he go to the kitchen to make you food. Not to forget his stern command to not leave you alone even for a second," she adds and chuckles lightly.
Emotion grips Inaaya's throat as she finds herself at a loss of words. He had learnt cooking and he had cooked for her today. She wanted to cry. She averts her gaze and picks up the spoon, lowering it into the bowl of tomato soup. When she takes a mouthful of it, the flavours explode over her taste buds. Warmth seeps into every nook and corner of her body. It was delicious.
Inaaya couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of her lips as her eyes glaze with moisture.
"Is it good?" Maya inquires, hope lacing her tone, her concern subsiding a little to see Inaaya having something akin to a smile stretched across her face.
"Too good," she murmurs and continues to have the soup.
She mixes the dal with the rice and when she shoves a morsel of it in her mouth, she's immediately thrown back to the days when she used to have it almost daily. It felt like home and her heart melts to see him making her feel home even when he's away from her.
Maya leaves Inaaya alone with her food and her emotions. Inaaya savours every bite of it, the love and care mixed in the food enveloping every cell of her body, her pain lessening, her thoughts diverting. When she's done with the food, she keeps the dishes in the kitchen before coming back to her room and bolting the door.
Sitting idle was the last thing she wanted to do so her eyes raked all around her before settling on her bag. She went near it, opened the chain and pulled out the diary.
Her diary.
Her eyes water as she drags her hand over it. It looked torn and old but it was still in a better condition than she would expect it to be over so many years. She clutches it to her chest for few long seconds, feeling calm. The realisation that Ayansh was the same person, that destiny had already paved way for them even before they knew was still sinking within her.
Inaaya sat on the couch, tucking her legs beneath. A small laugh spills out of her lips when she remembers that he had read her diary. Ideally, she should feel offended as someone had read her random and stupid musings but all she felt was amusement. Thinking back on it that he used a line from her own diary to convince her on something was endearing and funny at the same time.
When her fingers lingered around the edge of the diary to turn the cover, nervousness spreads across her skin. It was her diary and she wasn't supposed to feel that way and yet for some unknown reason, she did.
She opened the diary and turned over the pages, her eyes trailing across the familiar, lost words. She missed it, she missed this, her diary, her companion who heard her out, who kept all her weird thoughts and ramblings safe with it. She takes her own sweet time to read everything that she already knew. She welcomed the dusty smell of the book and the soft feel of the pages beneath her fingers.
When Inaaya reached the end of her writings, she frowns. She vividly remembered the last thing she wrote so seeing a shadow of something being written beyond it made her feel puzzled. She turns over and her heart thuds against her ribcage. She recognised it too well.
It was Ayansh's handwriting. She turned over and over and found multiple letters written by him. Her heart beats loudly with an undecipherable feeling. She goes back to the first letter, not knowing what to expect.
Hello Stranger,
She reads the first line and her heart thaws. The letters were addressed to her unknowingly and she clenched her jaw, taking a deep breath to continue reading.
Let me get straight to the point. I've read your diary and I'm aware it's wrong. I'm sorry. There's a very thin chance that we'll ever meet again and I'll have the chance to give back what belongs to you but if this ever happens, I want you to know that your diary was my light when I kept drowning more and more into darkness. Your words gave me hope and I've lost the count of the number of times, I've read each page and will be reading in future.
It's only fair that you get to know about me in exchange for me reading your thoughts and invading your privacy.
Remember I told you about miracle?
Inaaya could feel the hurt and pain once again growing.
I found mine. And then, I lost it. I regret it each day. I miss her every second. Her name's Inaaya.
She gasps and covers her mouth when it becomes too hard. It felt like getting a peek of Ayansh's life when she wasn't present and it hurt.
I lied, broke her trust, broke her heart. It was my fault but I did love her, I still do and I'll always love her. I know, you must be thinking what an awful person I'm and I don't blame you for thinking that.
Enough of my sob story. Today's a good day. It's her birthday.
Something clicks within her as an unsettling feeling settles within her. She continues to read.
I'm in Cambridge, the place where she's currently doing her MBA. I've cooked something for her.
"No," she whispers to herself, her throat tightening, her vision blurring. The memory flashes in front of her when they laid on the grass during New Year and chatted about their likes and dislikes.
"I'm always there for you. By the way, what's your favourite food?"
"Lemon rice, anything prepared with mushrooms and sweets you're already aware of. The list is never ending."
I've made lemon rice and gajar ka halwa for her, her favourite. I hope it's good. I've been trying this since a week daily to perfect it so I'm hoping it has turned out to be good.
Inaaya presses her palm over her forehead, her head was spinning. She never even doubted that her favourite food during her birthday was made my Ayansh and how could she?
It's like shooting an arrow blindly but I'm taking my shot. I don't know how am I going to deliver her the food without coming in front of her, without letting her know that it's made my me but I'm somehow going to manage it. I have to. It's important.
I'll leave. Wish me luck and thank you for being my knight in shining armour.
~ Fool and Awful Ayansh Mehra.
She shuts the diary harshly and puts it away. Tears streamed down her face. She needed him, she needed to see him right now and when she heard the doorbell ring, she didn't waste a moment to rush towards it and open it before Maya did.
Inaaya's face falls when she sees it's not whom she expected. It was Akira. He hadn't returned yet. He said he'll be back soon but he wasn't. Another pang of agony punched her gut and her lips parted as a sob escaped.
"Inaaya," Akira calls her out worriedly and holds her by her shoulders. "What happened?"
Inaaya sniffs, taking a step back and Akira cups her face, not understanding what was wrong. "Are you alright?" She raises her voice as she questions.
Inaaya looks up with doubt shadowing her face and blinks. "You— you knew?" She stutters.
Her brows furrow. "I knew what?" She asks dumbly.
Maya comes near them, gazing at Inaaya with confusion.
"You didn't tell me," Inaaya mumbles, hurt evident in her eyes as they stared at Akira with betrayal.
Dread tugs at her heart. "I'm not getting you," she slowly says.
"You never made the lemon rice on my birthday."
For the first time ever, guilt and remorse paint Akira's face.
Another pang of betrayal hits her. No wonder multiple times she felt Ayansh and Akira knew each other. The hostility they shared wasn't petty but had a reason which was never known to her. No wonder she felt skeptical about them but shrugged it off.
"And you never thought of telling this to me?" Inaaya croaks.
"You knew Ayansh from before," Maya murmurs, disbelief etched across her face.
"He told me not to," Akira snaps defensively. "On your birthday, he had come here and he was expecting Maya since he knew you would've been in college." She looks at Inaaya, hoping she understands. "He gave me the box and strictly asked me not to tell you that it was from him. What was I supposed to do?"
Inaaya pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration. He was an idiot, an absolute idiot and she needed him right now. She didn't know if she was mad at him more or craved him more but every second that was passing by without him was breaking her little by little.
The biggest reason she had always been so hesitant to tell him the truth was because she feared it would push him away from her. His outlook regarding her would change and it seemed to be happening. She didn't even realise when a lone tear escaped her eye.
"Inaaya, say something," Akira pleads, shaking her by her shoulders.
She sniffs. He wasn't going to come, was he? It had been hours. Dawn was receding and morning was starting to replace it. He did so much for her, remembered the little things about her, kept her at the top of his priority list and one brutal truth was enough to destroy everything they shared as if they never existed.
The doorbell rings and Inaaya turns away, wiping her face, gathering her emotions. Maya goes to open the door.
"Ayansh," she murmurs, surprise and relief coating her voice.
Inaaya whips her head to look behind and when her eyes fall on him, she doesn't waste a second to rush to him and throw her arms around him, pushing Maya slightly in the process, burrowing her face in the crook of his neck.
His hands come around her in a protective embrace. His heart stalls and his forehead creases when he feels her sniffling softly.
"I thought you won't come," she whispers brokenly, holding him tight. "I thought you left."
Ayansh closes his eyes and drops his head over her left shoulder, inhaling gently. "I would never leave you. Never." He says with so much tenderness and promise that the emotions wrap around her and all her doubts that existed dissipate.
***
I'm being super busy these days and on top of that, not doing well healthwise so sorry for the slow updates. Hope you liked this one and don't forget to vote and share your views.
• Thank you for reading •