The brunette's shoes walked down the corridor quickly, her gaze was fixed in front of her but without paying attention to anything, definitely not when in her left hand she had a piece of paper on whom her destiny was written, already decided for the coming weeks and in her right hand the confirmation that it left her no room for doubt or misunderstanding.
A further ting guided her eyes on the screen of the phone, squeezed in her right hand, speeding through the letters that appeared on the umpteenth message that her mother had sent her that morning, yet another message that would ruin her mood throughout the day.
[ Did you sign up? ] Five minutes ago.
[ Yes. ] 4 minutes ago vV
[ I've been worried about calling a tutor. You'll be taking lessons all this week and next one, 4:30 to 7:00. This way you will have time to study for other subjects as well. Don't waste my money. ] Now
She didn't even bother to answer to her mother, because it would have been useless, anything she would have told her would have changed nothing.
As her eyes continued to observe the bright screen whose reflection was painted in her irises now devoid of any emotion, her left hand squeezed the smooth paper of the poster in a stronger grip. The steps got faster and faster, she wanted to get to class as soon as possible and not think about it as long as she could.
Before she could even get close to her class, her body collided with that of another person. Both fell back due to the impact and in doing so, Yeji's left hand loosened her grip by dropping the poster onto the school's wooden floor.
As she lowered her eyes she caught a splash of blue that immediately made her identify the girl in front of her and for some reason she stopped in her movements, looking in silence at the other picked up the poster from the ground and with curiousity looking at its contents.
<< A math competition? >> Ryujin asked the brunette, lifting her eyes from the sheet of paper in her hands and raising an eyebrow, her black eyes looking dirictly on those brown ones.
<< Weren't you the one who wanted to kill the Ministry of Education. >> She went on, receiving no response.
<< I don't want to kill anyone. >> Yeji evidently didn't catch the irony in the phrase of blue but her words were pure truth, she did not want to kill anyone, maybe slap someone but she did not have a murderous instinct...
<< I know, I know... but damn, math? I could never. >>
<< It's not that difficult, you just have to enter the logic of numbers. >> The brunette explained and the calm tone she used made it clear that this wasn't a difficult issue for her.
<< That's exactly my problem. >> As she spoke those words, she decided to return the paper to its rightful owner.
<< Is that why you were stressed the other night? >> She added, in an attempt to understand more the brunette in front of her.
<< I wasn't stressed. >>
<< Of course, in fact going to unknown club for the first time without anyone and secretly is something you do because you are extremely in a good mood, isn't it? >> > The brunette was beginning to harbor a certain hatred towards that damn blue's eyebrow, because every time she lied to her it got up to accompany the sarcastic words of the girl, how could she always understand when she didn't tell the truth?
<< Ok, I was slightly stressed. But this is cool of the day, I found out today that I have the pleasure of participating in the competition. >>
<< Did you find out? You didn't sign up yourself? >>
<< Yes, well, no... it's too complicated... >> The words came out of her lips with difficulty, also because she did not know what to say to the blue if not the truth and she preferred to avoid it.
<< I don't want it to seem like every time we talk, I try to lead you down the wrong path, because it's definitely not my intention, but you don't seem particularly happy to participate. >> Maybe she hated not only the eyebrows of the blue, but also that damn mouth that every time she spoke to her seemed to really know her, as if she could see her soul without filters, without lies or excuses behind which to hide.
<< It's simply hard to keep up with everything, but I want to do well, I want to win this competition, that's why I'm slightly stressed, obviously I'm worried about not making it and failing... > The only problem was that the truth her words contained was much bigger than the one she wanted to share.
<< I know you will be great and even if you don't win, you won't have failed, losing is never a failure, because you can learn a lot by losing... >The blue herself found herself surprised at what she was saying, in the last days she had found herself saying things that she never thought her mind was able to think, before then she wasn't aware of all this wisdom, evidently hidden, in her body.
The brunette wanted to agree with the girl, those words sounded too good for her taste and in the end losing was not something bad and it could happen to everyone, but she had not been raised that way. Losing was a failure and failure was a negative element. Winning was not an option, it was her duty.
<< ... however, if you are so worried, think that whatever happens, you will definitely do better than what I could do. >> The blue continued, accompanying with a small laugh her own self-irony and leaving the brunette to set off for the next class.
Yeji saw the girl walk away from her and a half laugh escaped her at the other's sentence.
<< Aren't you coming, Miss "I'm not afraid of you, Math, i will kick your ass at the competion"? >> The blue one turned towards her saying those words with a smile and for the first time Yeji noticed the dimples that formed on her cheeks when this was so genuine as to involve even her dark eyes like darkness.
*At lunch*
The plastic fork ran along the plate in front of her eyes, drawing an imaginary line on the bottom of it, creating invisible decorations around the food still untouched by the brunette.
<< Yeji-unnie, aren't you hungry? >> Charyeong's voice made her eyes turn away from the non-existent painting she was drawing all over her plate.
<< How are you not hungry unnie? Today they prepared your favorite food. >> Yuna immediately entered the conversation with her usual insatiable enthusiasm.
<< I'm not very hungry... >> She replied, leaving no room for too many words for that topic.
<< Okayy but you should eat, it is important not to skip meals during the day, especially for a busy person like you, unnie... >> In another situation she would not like to receive lessons from a girl two years younger than her, but she knew Yuna and considered her as a younger sister, so her words could only warm her heart because it reminded her how their relationship was much deeper than it seemed, even if they didn't show it, they took care of each other.
<< ... Ryujin-unnie is constantly reminding me to eat, as if I was the one skipping meals, tsz... >> Although most likely this last sentence of the blonde was not intended for anyone to her at that table, it was only a consideration made aloud by the youngest, the sudden mention of the blue made raise slightly the corners of the thin lips of the brunette in a slight smile that, most likely, even she wasn't aware of.
<< What's up my friends? >> The voice of Lia who had just approached the table caught their attention.
<< Unnie! >> The blonde answered with the same enthusiasm, it was inevitable that the energy between the two was in perfect harmony.
<< Yuna-yah, did you miss me? >> Asked the brunette who seeing the smallest answer with a nod of her head and with her lips closed in a small pout, squeezed her adorable cheeks between her fingers in an affectionate way.
<< You know you're my favorite maknae! >> She continued by squeezing the skin between her fingers with more strength, but always in an affectionate and playful way.
<< You're hurting me! >> > Commented the blonde, escaping from the brown's grip and turning her head on the other side, always holding the pout on her face as if she wanted to seem offended, but Yeji did not fail to notice the slight rosy veil that covered her cheeks
<< I'll pretend I'm not offended. >> Chaeryeong commented, pretending to be offended in turn, but betraying herself with a smile that always threatened to grow bigger.
<< Oh, my Chaerry, you know, I love you a lot, too, but this little blond brat has a special place in my heart. >> The brunette replied with a smile, while her arm embraced the young woman's shoulders.
<< Thank God I still have you Yeji-unnie! >> Pretending to be hurt, with a hand to her chest, the brunette hugged Yeji's arm and laid her head on her shoulder.
The brunette could only laugh in front of a scene so familiar but that never failed to warm her heart, even on hard and difficult days like that one, she needed a few minutes with her best friends and a smile would came back to shine on her face.
<< Are you so sure? Because I learned that now there is someone who could perhaps steal the attention of our dear Yeji. >> What the brunette said surprised the two younger women at the table, who immediately looked at her with wide eyes.
<< Don't tell me it's that Yeonjun? >> She asked, almost disgusted, the brunette.
<< What?? Absolutely not. >> Yeji hurried to answer.
<< Then who is it? >>
The truth was that even the brunette herself did not know it and for this reason, faced with the perplexed faces of the three setting at that table, Lia decided to explain her words.
<< The mysterious blue-haired girl. >> These simple words were enough to completely shock all three.
<< Ryujin-unnie?? > Exclaimed the blonde.
<< Shin Ryujin?? >> Simultaneously with Yuna, Chae asked amazed at the newfound information.
No sound came out of the Yeji's rosy lips despite being slightly open and barely moving as if they wanted to say something, but her voice decided not to support those movements.
<< Yes. Today they saw you two talking in a very friendly way and Ryujin even smiled, imagine how this news went viral in a matter of seconds. >> Lia commented.
<< Woah, this is surprising. I still wonder how you are always aware of everything unnie. >>
<< Well, I'm a natural social butterfly, dear, and then it is you who don't pay enough attention to the gossip, this is the main talk of everyeone in any corner of the school. >> Said the brunette in her Canadian accent, making the Chaeryeong laugh.
<< Unnie, are you friends with my sister? Why didn't you tell me? >> Instead, Yuna asked Yeji directly, more interested in the relationship between her best friend and her sister.
She really wanted to answer honestly, but even Yeji didn't know what the truth was. Was she really friends with the blue? They had spoken a few times in that week certainly and Ryujin had helped her more than once when she was in trouble but honestly she hadn't considered the girl her friend, when in fact the two did not know each other at all beyond those few words that had been exchanged those last days. But there was this feeling, every time they were together she didn't feel uncomfortable talking to her even though they didn't know each other since long, despite not loving to talk about herself, especially about aspects of her life that she preferred to keep to herself, when the blue girl asked her questions about herself, she didn't find her insistent curiosity annnoying, indeed, many times she found herself telling the truth more than she liked to admit, but it was so natural that sometimes it was difficult to hold back as she did with everyone.
<< We're not friends Yuna, we just happened to have a few conversations, that's all. >> Yet there, at that moment, she was lying. She was lying because even though she kept repeating herself to convince herself that those words were true, maybe she knew they weren't the whole truth, she knew there was more to them and that more couldn't be confined to mere chance.
*In the evening*
For a strange reason that day she had found herself to have less appetite than usual and perhaps also for that same reason now she was staring at the crock plate in front of her, without touching the meat that lay elegantly on the white of it's bottom. She stared without reason at the reflection that the large and luxurious chandelier above their heads created on the shiny surface, while the steel fork outlined the boundaries of the steak, creating an almost inaudible sound by gently grinding over the material below.
<< We stop it, what are you five years old? >> The impassive but at the same time serious voice of the mother made her stop in the her movements.
<< Food is not meant to play with it. You are eighteen Yeji, please, a little maturity. >> Yeji didn't take her eyes off the plate, but she stopped moving the fork, which now lay on the napkin on the left.
<< Yeji-ah, you should eat a little, you haven't touched anything all dinner. If you want, I can ask Mrs. Park if she can cook you something else? >> At her father's warmest voice, the brunette looked up to meet his gaze and saw him smiling at her with an affectionate and hopeful attitude of a positive response.
<< I'm sorry, but I'm not hungry. >> She offered him a sorry smile and before she could completely take her eyes off him, she caught a small fragment of her mother shaking her head in disapproval, obviously towards her.
<< Here's what you get for spoiling her. We shouldn't educate our children to get everything they want. Look Hyunjin, he's eating without any problem, it's time for Yeji to learn to do the same. >> The fact that the mother was talking about her as if she wasn't even there, sitting at that table with them, left a bitter smile on the face of the brunette.
<< But honey, asking Mrs Park to cook an extra plate is not a big deal, that's what we're paying her for. >> The man explained as calmly as possible, not wanting to cause an argument over something so superfluous.
<< The problem is convincing Yeji that she always has options to choose from. In life, especially in the business we do, there is no such thing, if you want to survive and prevail over others you must first learn to adapt, when you don't have choices or options, you can't act like a spoiled child, but you have to deal with what you get on your plate with your head held high, this is how it works, this is howe we work. >>
The authoritarian tone of the mother who uttered those words made it clear that there was no room for any further reversal in this regard, the matter was closed. So the father decided to shut his mouth by taking a piece of meat and chewing it, while the brother had never stopped eating, apparently indifferent to what their parents were talking about.
The silence fell again on that long table made of fine polished wood. It was definitely too big for four people, considering that between each person there was more than a meter of distance and between Yeji and the mother, who both were sitting at the head of the table, the distance was so much that perfectly described their mother-daughter relationship.
The absence of noise, except for the moving of the cutlery, helped Yeji to get her mind back to the conversation with Lia that afternoon.
<< Yeji, have you thought about next week? >> The brunette asked Yeji as they were crossing the threshold of freedom from that school together.
<< About what? >> She had a vague impression of what they were going to talk about, but she really hoped to be wrong.
<< Oh please, Yeji, you know what I'm talking about. >>
<< Lia, you know this year is all so intense, I don't know if I could manage everything between the studing, rehearsing- > She tried to explain.
<< Is that why you entered the math contest? >> She took that question by surprise.<< You know school can be a really small place when you know the right people. >> The brunette continued, her tone was serious and Yeji knew she was in trouble because her friend never used to talk like this to anyone.
<< Lia... >> She would have liked to continue, but if the words stopped in her throat, what would she have said?
<< You don't owe me any explanation, Yeji. I know you probably didn't even want to participate in this competition, we both know how your mother loves to charge you with a thousand responsibilities and expectations... >>
Yeah, the brunette was the only one who knew anything about her relationship with her mother. The parents of the girls had always been business partners and for this reason Lia had seen with her eyes how the mother treated the brunette, but they had never really talked about it because she knew that Yeji preferred to keep that matter private.
<< Just one thing, the girls really care about the dance competition, and I know that you care abou it, too, and I've known you your whole life, and I know how much dance means to you. But obviously you decided to put aside your passion for the ambitions of your parents, I can't say anything about it because the decision is yours but remember that you are your person, Hwang Yeji, not what they want you to become and maybe in the future this will weigh on you even more... >> She daren't look at her friend, also because with what courage she could have when she felt stripped of any lie she had built to be able to protect herself.
<< I'll talk to the girls, don't worry, obviously you won't be able to join the dance competition if you enter the one of math. But if you can come and help us out, even if it is just helping us pick the song or create the choreography or even see us during some rehearsal, both Yuna and Chae would appreciate it, but I say it especially for you, it might be good for you to remember what it's like to be yourself and do what you like. >> After saying those words that had entered Yeji's heart, leaving a sign that wouldn't leave any soon, Lia left.
<< Mother... >> Lia's words kept buzzing through her head, like mosquitoes and they wouldn't let her think of anything else, she knew that until she did something they wouldn't stop tormenting her, but she couldn't hide the slightest hope that they had made her rediscover, hidden behind all doubts and fears.
The mother did not answer her, but stopped eating, putting the cutlery on the side of the plate and looking up at her daughter, indicating her to continue talking.
<< For repetitions, I was thinking, are they really necessary? Mathematics is a subject in which I am very good, maybe all these hours of repetitions would be a waste of time and money? >> She was surprised to receive a cold laugh that was immediately replaced by the normal "emotionless expression" of her mother.
<< Are they not necessary, you say? Then would you be so kind as to explain the "b minus" in the last algebra test? >> Faced with that question, the girl's fingers stopped playing nervously with the tablecloth under the table, suddenly cold from the surprise of receiving a question that she already knew the answer would not be enough.
<< So? >> The raised eyebrow told her to hurry up and respond quickly.
<< The professor decided to put in the test a topic that h-he had said that he would omit from the test, because we hadn't understood v-very well, but he forgot... >>
<< And why didn't you tell me? I could have called a tutor who would have explained it to you instead of that sort of incapable. >>
<< B-Because theoretically it wasn't meant to be in the test, so I didn't t-think I had to- >> She was abruptly interrupted by the cold voice of the mother.
<< Excuses, they are only excuses. I don't care if the professor is incompetent, we paid incredible amounts of money for you to master every subject with excellence, and you tell me that you couldn't understand a single ridiculous argument on your own? >> Her voice that became colder in time, every time that sound left the lips of the mother an icy wave fell on Yeji and shivered down her arms, while sharp as the sharpest blades those words carried a pain inside her that went far beyond the physical type.
<< You're a fucking Hwang. We do not live of excuses, we do not need them, because we do not work to be good but we work incessantly to excel, to be the best. Do you think you can always make excuses? You can't hide behind those forever, you have to face reality and you have to do it head-on, you have our last name, and you have to honor it, not dishonor hit by failing the only one job you have. >>
They were like bricks, those words leaned on her shoulders like bricks and the weight seemed unbearable; she lowered her head, not wanting to cross the gaze of her mother who she already knew was full of disappointment, but nevertheless she could feel the eyes of the older woman watching her every single movement and criticizing her in silence.
<< What's distracting you, Yeji? >> That question caught her by surprise, causing her to lift her head and meet with her surprised look that critic of her mother.
<< N-nothing. >>
<< Nothing, you say? So how did Tuesday's history test go? >>
<< W-well. >> Well considering that the day before she had stopped studying because she couldn't concentrate and she had ended up sneaking away from home and going to an unknown club where she had drunk her first non-alcoholic cocktail. She didn't know the results yet but she knew that she had done well, since she had finished studying at night and early in the morning before going to school.
<< Are you sure about this? Because you don't seem like it at all to me, if you had studied properly you wouldn't have had to wake up the morning before at four and you wouldn't seem so nervous now, Yeji. >>
Why did a person who was her mother but at the same time also the person who felt most distant from her, know her so well? Why when she couldn't even understand her mother's normal expression or even what she thought, she didn't know anything about the woman she calls her mother, and yet that woman seemed to know her damn well.
<< What is distracting you Yeji? What strange fixation has got you now? >>
<< F-Fixation? >> To hear her mother talking like that about herself wasn't a good feeling, it was as if a black hole was sucking her every last cliff, her every certainty and hope.
<< Yes, what useless obsession is distracting you now, Yeji? >> She repeated this time more impatient.
<< N-None. >> She said, not meeting her eyes.
<< Yeji, don't make me repeat. I hate to repeat myself, you know it. >> The tone of her voice got up, she was starting to get angry.
<< It's j-just another c-competition... >> She managed to tell between one shaking breath and another.
<< What kind of competition? >> The irritation in the woman's voice was becoming more and more apparent.
<< Dance... >> She said with a thread of voice, almost afraid that even the dish in front of her could hear her.
<< Yeji, raise your voice. >> She became more tense at the extremely serious tone of her mother.
<< Dance. >> She repeated with how much more conviction she managed to scrape together in that moment.
<< You're kidding, aren't you?! >> The voice was now so loud that even the ladies who were cleaning the furniture next door gasped hearing it, and of course Yeji was no exception.
<< Still with this crap?! Isn't the embarrassment you made us go through last year because of this enough for you?! You've embarrassed us all with this stupid matter, with your childish obsession and your unfulfilled promises! I listened to you, and all you did was dishonor this family's name for some stupid dance competition! Why can't you be like your brother?! >> She kept screaming with her right hand pointing at Hyunjin, who despite everything had not stopped eating and did not dare to pay attention to anything but the food in front of him.
Yeji wanted to disappear at that moment, she was praying that the chair could suck her in and send her halfway around the world. The shame she felt for what happened last year was immense, but what had made it a thousand times worse had been her mother's words of then, bitter just like those of now, full of contempt, full of outrage, full of disgust, just like those of now.
<< We never had to pay a penny because he excelled in school and despite having this strange obsession with basketball at least he can excel in, also makes that reason for esteem and honor for this family. >>
She sought support from her father, who had been silent the whole time, but when she did meet his eyes who were looking at her with compassion and pity, he looked away. But what was to be expected? He had always been like this, even though he always told her that he loved her, that he cared for her, that he would do anything for her daughter, he had always failed to help her in situations like that... he was just a coward, just like her.
<< But what do you do? You're just like my mother, too blinded by this mirage that forgets that life is not made of dreams and fairy tales! She lived a life with her head in the clouds, not caring about anything or anyone, ignoring her responsibilities... I won't let you do the same, Yeji, be sure I won't let you! >>
A tear crossed Yeji's right cheek, she hated to cry, but it was inevitable when she heard about her grandmother. Sadness and melancholy invaded the young woman's body, but there was something bigger, anger.
<< You only talk like that because you never really wanted to know her! If you had, you would have noticed she was a wonderful person! >>
She yelled at her before getting up and running to her room. As she went up the stairs the only thing she could hear was the screams of her mother ordering her to come back, but she didn't stop, she didn't stop until the door to her room was locked behind her and her back collided against the wood, before sliding to the ground and get lost in a thousand tears.
After a time that seemed endless her eyes opened still wet with tears, but something caught her attention, the open window of the her room and the view of Seoul at night, the life that was blooming in the streets only when the sun went down and an idea appeared in the girl's mind.