Little sun's rays are pitching my face while I am still in my bed, half asleep.
I rub my eyes to let the light discomfort go away but the day is telling me to move and get up from my bed. I turned off my alarm five minutes ago and still haven't moved a single muscle to start the day.
I hate Monday. I actually hate all those days when I have very early morning lessons. I always tell myself to not go, to check online classes and stay at home but then I end up not following them and not understanding what we're doing, so I must attend class.
I roll my body to change position and give the back to the window, hoping the sunlight won't bother me anymore but then I hear my phone vibrating and I am sure it's Antonio being sure I am awake. I don't even look at the phone, I just turn it upside down and close again my eyes.
I wonder what the heck I want to do in my life. I feel like I am swamped with all these responsibilities that I don't wanna follow. The twenties are one of the worst ages because you have to have fun but also find your way to the big world. You have two streets to walk in at the same time but don't know how. You need to have a job but also a social life. If you're studying, you have to finish them but also go to parties because young age is not forever. But then you have thousands of exams to prepare for and no time to have fun, but you have to also have a break. But all of this can't be put together because they don't work as a team. So either you end up doing one thing or the other. Not both.
And I am in that phase of my life where I don't know which way to take. Not because I want to have fun, but because I feel like I won't be fine if I don't take a break.
My phone starts vibrating again, and I check who it is this time.
When I see Antonio's name, I again don't answer. I hang up, letting him know that I am awake but I am trying to avoid his calls and my life.
I sit, covering my body with the bedsheet and looking around like I am checking to be in the right place but I am just procrastinating and if I decide to go to class, I'll be surely late.
I am late if I move fast, I am late if I move slow. So I take my time.
I leave my bed, put on my slippers, and go to the bathroom to freshen my face and wash my body. I don't eat breakfast, I will take something on my way to go.
So once I am dressed up, I leave the house directly and I am not even late. I am wondering how is that possible. I manage to stop at the bar under my building to take a brioche and a coffee and then I take the main street.
It's almost eight fifteen in the morning and here it's already chaotic. People run from every side of the city, to go to work, school or wherever. When I was in high school I used to take the subway because it wasn't there. I was not even that far away but by tram, not by foot. I did high school specialising in classical studies, that's why now I am doing Letters. It was a way to follow the young studies and also because I have always wanted to be a writer but after three years of University, I am asking myself if this is actually what I want to do because right now I don't even have never write anything out of the school's tasks. I should try to write a story, a book, or a novel to improve my skills and see if I am actually for this side of the world but my mind always pushes me away from doing it.
I take a bite of my brioche while I sit outside the university, on one of the old and cracky benches. My phone rings, again and I snort twisting my nose for how much nagging Antonio is but when I read a different name on my screen, my legs tremble and my heart races. It's Kevin.
After Friday, I really didn't text him but not because I didn't want to but because I forgot. I unlock my phone and open WhatsApp to read the text and answer it.
Kevin
It's just me or today the world seems going slowly?
I am always so speechless when he comes out with these random questions and I ask myself if he does it to not approach real life or because he has no one to ask to. He hasn't even mentioned about Friday. About the fact that I literally fell in his arms and he was so close to me that I could smell cigarette breath from his mouth. And remembering that makes my stomach rolls. He was really close and I still remember how my body felt in his vicinity. I also wonder if he feels the same way as I do.
Then I decide to answer.
I am early at University and I also got up late from my usual time. So, I think someone is slowing the time.
The answer arrives quickly and I am looking at the time when someone throws me something.
I move my head to check what it was and when I see a crumpled paper I know it's from Antonio. I raise my eyes to look at him and he is laughing while approaching me. I throw again the paper to him but he dodges it and jumps to sit next to me. I still have the text open under my eyes so I turn my attention to it.
Kevin
Yes, the world is going slowly. You can't be early not even if you wake up three hours before the actual time.
He talks like he knows me well and I sigh, locking my phone.
«Why didn't you answer my calls and texts but you answer him?»
I grunt while standing up and walking away from his grumpy mood. I throw the empty cup of coffee and the bag where there was the brioche. Antonio is running to reach me. «What if I was dying?»
«Your mother would have called me.»
«Okay, but what if I needed your help.»
«Then it means you were not dying.»
He scoffs. «You have a low expectation of yourself. I would call you if I need you in every situation.»
I look at him. «So if you were dying because someone shots you, you would take the phone, pick my number and call me instead of an ambulance or your boyfriend?»
He doesn't answer quickly and I smile. I know he would call me for whatever situation he would need help in, but I also know that this morning he was just trying to assure himself that I was awake and getting ready for the day. While Antonio is finding his answer to my question, we enter the first lesson's class and I already regret being here.
«Anyway, did he text you?» Antonio whispers in my ear while I am preparing my stuff.
I nod and open my laptop. «Right before you decided to play at paper ball.»
«And what did he tell you?»
I don't answer. I open WhatsApp from my laptop and open the chat, letting my best friend read the last texts but then he pry on the other texts and I quit the app. «You're so annoying.»
«I was just reading the text you didn't answer to.»
I shrug and open my note app to start the lesson. I manage to follow the lesson, even if at some point I felt my head heavy and falling from my neck. I write everything I felt like it was important, answered questions I knew about the topic and asked things I didn't understand or was curious about. I was very active and Antonio seems happy to see me in this way. He knows how hard it is for me to be focused, lately, so he probably feels like a proud dad.
When half of the day finishes, I feel like my head is about to explode. Antonio and I decide to have lunch together at McDonald's because both of us feel like eating something that will give us back all the energy we burnt in the morning. It's currently 3 pm and it is incredible how much time lessons take you away.
I feel like they don't even think about our health; that we need to eat, breathe and find some little part of the day where we just rest. And I also need to ask about my internship. I feel like I will become crazy.
When we sit, I decide to keep answering Kevin, to have a distraction while Antonio is picking up our order.
Don't talk like you know me.
Kevin
I am not but can you say the opposite?
No, I can't but still, you have no idea.
Am I being too rushed on him? I quickly say something else.
Because if I want I can be the most punctual person ever and you don't know.
Kevin
It would really be funny seeing you trying it.
That's it, I used all my patience.
And we keep talking. Even when Antonio is back, I can't take my eyes off the phone. My best friend tries more than once to get my attention, stealing my phone, pretending to leave, and whatever but I am so into the conversation that I feel like there is no one around me.
«Enede, I know that suddenly you feel the vibration in between your legs, but I would like to see your face and not your oily hair.»
I slowly raise my head and Antonio starts to eat his fries so quickly that I think he could choke. «What did you just say?»
I put away my phone and finally give all my attention to my needy best friend.
He shakes his head. «Nothing,» answers with his mouth full of food.
«I think you said two very bad things.» My voice is lower and threatened, trying to scare him.
«I think you hear wrong, probably distracted by the phone.»
«Oh, so you didn't tell me that I have a vibration in between my legs and oily hair?»
He shuts up and looks me into my eyes then she shakes slowly his head. «Never said that.»
I grin and push one of the fries into my mouth. «You piece of shit. You tell me to open up and be more friendly with him and then when I do it, I become a horny teenager?»
«Aren't you?»
«Tonio!»
Antonio laughs and throws me a french fry. «I am kidding, in a way. I am happy you're trying but you're also avoiding me, since this morning.»
I roll my eyes. «I just didn't want to answer and hear you screaming to move and calling me heavy ass.»
He used to call me that way since the first day we met. I have always been a late person and when he realised that, he never stopped calling me in that weird way. I am okay with that but sometimes I am not in the mood to hear his drama queen voice.
«I would never!» I stay silent looking into his eyes, waiting for him to say the opposite. «You lazy ass.»
«Don't add it to the list of the ways you call me.»
«No, I am not.»
We spend a good day together. I actually feel like my life is changing in a good way. I could manage to follow the lessons, have a good chat with Kevin and spend gold time with my best friends. Accepting my dad's girlfriend and finally closing my mom's door.
Somehow, I feel anxious about it because when everything goes well, then something bad happens but that was the old me. The new me lives day by day not letting these bad vibes get her. I just try to live the moment as it appears, without questioning too many things.
—
Antonio and I split up an hour ago but I am still going around. I decided to take a moment for myself and go for a little shopping. Nothing big, just seeing if something is interesting. Actually, my purpose is to find the courage to ask Kevin if he was free for a coffee or whatever. I want to see if I can do it. If I can be the one asking a guy to hang out, not for a proper date but just for a minute. It was around six and I don't want to go home now, my father will be back in probably two hours so I still have time before having dinner.
We try always to eat together when we can, so I wait for him whenever I can.
I sigh while I pass by the Monte Napoleone, not wishing to buy clothes there but wishing to own one of those cars. I stop to look at the street and scroll my eyes to see if there was one of my favourites, even if my first one on the list is not this type of car. Then, I see an SF90 and I move toward it to see better.
It's black and it's parked like she owns the spot and she does. This car seems like a rocket ready to be launched. I take a photo and then I decide to open a new conversation with Kevin.
Do you like cars?
While I wait for the answer, I move back from the street and keep walking where I was already going.
It's already dark, the sunset passed a long time ago and it's starting to get cold. So maybe it's time for me to pick a decision between going back home or asking him to hang out.
My phone rings.
Kevin
You're asking a boy if he likes cars. What do you think the answer would be?
Don't be rude, I'm trying to have a conversation. I was in Monte Napoleone's street and saw an SF90 so I was just questioning it in my head.
I can see him online but he doesn't answer. I narrow my eyebrows and I query why.
Then a light turns on in my head and I quickly move my head around. He is not here, right? With all the possibilities in the world, he could never be again in the same place where I am. If he is, I am considering at 100% the stalking thing. Because yes, you can be at the same place where I was on Friday, be at my same University because you knew someone there. But here? I am far away from the centre, in one of the random Milan streets where there is no one because it is the quiet one. If Kevin is here, I quit.
Then he answers.
Kevin
What are you doing at this time around by yourself?
And yes, I like cars. I am more of a JDM type.
I swallow my fears and keep walking until I see the lights from the Duomo. He likes my same cars. I mean, luxury sportive cars are amazing, but the JDM types? The best one to race.
I was out with my friend and then I decided to go around.
It's your time, Enede. Now or never.
And I was wondering if you're free for a coffee.
I lock my phone, with my heart racing and my hand sweaty. He is working, he is busy, and he has something else to do. You're a student, he is not. You have nothing to do at 6 pm, he does. All the terrible thoughts of what the answer could be hit my head very strongly. He surely would be happy to join me, but still doesn't mean that I seem a needy person who after Friday needs to see him every day.
When my phone rings, noticing that the answer arrived, I take a deep breath.
Kevin
Yes. I wanted to ask it first but since you already think I am a talker, I didn't.
I laugh reading that and my chest suddenly is less worried about everything and a flush of adrenaline fills my body. Abruptly, it seems like I have fear of nothing anymore.
Kevin
I am also around. Send me the location so I reach you.
And I do it. I share my current location and then I stop walking, look for a marble bench and then sit on it. I look around wondering how far away he is from here, but then when I turn my head over right, there is a homeless person on the floor, with a puppy and I suddenly feel the urge to cry. He has this little paper with the words: HO PERSO LAVORO, MOGLIE E CASA, LUI È L'UNICO CHE MI RIMANE, AIUTALO.
(I lost my job, wife and home, he is the only one that I have left, help him.)
I stand up and give them two of the bread I bought for dinner and a bottle of water.
The old man smiles at me, with teary eyes. «Che Dio ti benedica, ragazza!*»
The dog sniffs me and then eats the bread after letting me pet him for some seconds. «Te lo meriti.*» I reply with my English accent but the man doesn't seem to realise it. He is still smiling at me while petting his dog and I move back to my bench, with my heart full of joy.
Tomorrow I will pass by here again and bring him some other food, also for the dog.
I always wanted to help people that need it, mostly if they have children or pets. His dog is little, you can see it. And there is nothing else in this world that makes me vulnerable as the animals.
I move my head away from the man and as soon as I raise it, I see someone else giving him some money. The homeless seem so happy for how lucky this day has been for him but then I focus on who is that person and when our eyes meet, I recognise the dark blonde hair. It's Kevin.
«Oh, oggi è il mio giorno fortunato!*,» says the old man, blessing the boy who just gave him money before this one leaves him to reach me.
Kevin is wearing a black turtleneck sweater with a black leather jacket on top. Baggy black jeans and white sneakers. It seems comfortable but also a well-looking outfit. And like the first day I saw him, I love his style. His necklace with a little cross is surrounding his sweater but only when I look at his face, I notice the glasses. I didn't know he wears them, and I don't even know if they are real or just for their appearance.
I stand up a little too quickly when he is close enough to greet me. My stomach is already doing rolls and when he gives me kisses cheeks, I feel like he can hear my heart.
«That was nice,» I say pointing my chin over the homeless man that is still eating my bread.
Kevin smiles but doesn't move his eyes from me. «I think giving food is better than money.»
I move my eyes back to him and nod. I agree with that because I have always the feeling that giving homeless people money, would bring them to buy only God knows what. From good things to drugs and alcohol and even if I would never know, I don't feel okay with that though.
Now that Kevin is here, I feel like I have lost all my words and will to talk. I don't even know where to go.
But lucky for me, he has a more working mind than me. «It's okay if we go to the same bar as the last time?»
«Totally fine for me.»
We start to walk and as we do that, our arms brush each other making my hide skin burn. I don't even know why I feel so nervous next to him, or maybe I do but I don't wanna say it loud. It's just too early to say what my mind is thinking of, so I just let it go as a doubt I will never know.
But the silence is making my head explode, so I start a new conversation. «So, you're a JDM car type.»
I raise my head to him and he smiles, nodding. «Even if it seems the opposite, I prefer dirty cars.»
«I like those cars too,» I point out as we pass by the Duomo on our left, almost near the bar. «But I thought you were a motorcycle type.»
My assumption seems to bother him. He looks in front of him, with a little shadow hiding his face.
However, I regret having said that, even if I didn't know it was something deep for him but I think if we need to see ourselves more, we also need to have conversations that will make us uncomfortable. I know that at one point, I will have to tell him about my mom, even if it's too much for me. And right now, this seems too much for him but then he absorbs my words and speaks back. «I don't like bikes,» he says seriously, still looking in front of him and anyhow I think this is connected to something.
But I don't ask. Should I? He said he would have answered any questions but do I wanna know? Maybe is nothing that big, for me, and I can handle the answer.
Kevin seems like reading my thoughts so he speaks them loud. «I had an accident, a time ago, on a motorcycle,» he comments without moving his eyes. «I wasn't driving and the driver also was not injured. But the other people involved... didn't make it.»
«You didn't have to tell me.»
Kevin stirs his head to me and suddenly the shadows is been replaced with a smile that brings back the little light that he always has in his eyes. And I can see it back again under the glasses. «You wanted answers.»
«But I didn't question,» I reply. «I don't wanna ask if I feel like it's not comfortable.»
«Nothing in life is comfortable.»
Then he stops right in front of the bar's entrance and points it with his hand, signing me to enter first. As we walk in, a young man greets and leads us to a small table for two, placed in between two bigger tables. I thank the waiter and sit on my chair, right in front of Kevin who is a little too close, respecting the size of this table. I place my back on the backrest, so I have more space between him and me.
I observe his face before speaking. «Are they real?»
I point the glasses and he laughs when he hears me, taking them off. «Yes, they are. Do you think I would put fake ones?»
I nod. «Yes. Everybody does that. They think it makes them cooler.»
Kevin looks down at the glasses he has just taken off. «I don't need glasses to be cool.» And then he puts them in his case hidden in the jacket's pocket.
I follow all his movements, looking at his hands. He is wearing rings on almost all his fingers and then when I move my eyes a little bit more up, I see tattoos coming out from the end of the jacket's sleeves. I hold my breath. He has tattoos. I almost lose control of my face when I start to feel it becoming red, so I quickly take the menu and read what's on, even if I already know what I will order and also know he is staring at me. He always stares at me so I can't hide anything from him.
The waiter comes back, to save me and asks us for the order.
I put down the menu but without facing Kevin's eyes. «I will have the hot cocoa, with cream.»
Without moving his eyes from me, Kevin says: «I'll have the same.»
The young boy smiles, thanks us and takes away the menu with him. No, shit. My safe wall. I pinch my nose as nervous move and slowly move back my eyes to the boy in front of me. «Why do you stare so much?» I finally point out. I can't take this anymore. It makes me too much nervous.
He chuckles and places his elbows on the table, to come closer to me. «I like making people nervous.»
«It doesn't make me nervous. It's just... I've realised you do it a lot,» I cover myself to not let him win on this, even if he is right and probably says it because it's pretty obvious.
«I didn't say I like to make you nervous.» Touché, staring man. «But I like to observe people. To try to read them or their expression. It's hard to know what they think about you, so I try to feel them.»
Kevin has a point. Most people have their thoughts painted on their faces like it is literally written there, and I am probably one of them. I already know it. When I am pissed, you know. When I am nervous, you see. When I am ashamed, my face turns red. I am an open book. But Kevin is not. He has always had one type of expression: satisfied. Whatever he is thinking of, he is good at hiding it. Only sometimes you can see the dark side of him, but it is so light that you may think it's something made up by your mind.
«Even if you make them uncomfortable? And I am not talking about me.»
He grins and then shakes his head. «If they're uncomfortable, they can just tell me.»
I try to keep eye contact even if it's very hard for me but with him, it seems less hard. Somehow, I don't feel that uncomfortable with him, now. A week ago, I could never think something like this but now that we talked and I made the pace with my head, I feel more confident to talk and look at him. Even if the image of his hands full of tattoos is still painted in my mind.
«You told me you don't work in your father's studio anymore because it was obstructing you and risking your life, what did you mean by that?»
My question is interrupted by the waiter bringing us the -same- order and placing it in front of us before leaving us alone again. I look at my order and I smile at it. If I was feeling okay with talking to Kevin, after a sip of my comfort drink I will feel like on a cloud. It's like when you want to drink to feel confident; I just need hot cocoa and a lot of creams on it. I am still waiting for an answer, so I move my eyes back to Kevin.
He is not looking at me, he is thinking about that sentence he said back on our first date and probably surpassed that I remember each word he said. «Because my father doesn't play fair. A lot of clients were noticing it, and I quit before it would have dragged me too much into it.»
«With not playing fair...»
«I mean that he let win whoever pays more, no matter if they're guilty or not.»
Damn. I nod and take the spoon to eat a bit of the foam on the top of my drink. My mind had so many thoughts about what he said but now it's clearer and even better than what I thought.
«Why don't you report him?»
He is flipping the spoon into the big cup. «He is still my father, I can't just expose him like nothing.»
I deep my stare into his face, hiding whatever expression he was feeling. «So you just decide to pretend to not know and risk innocent people going to jail.»
Kevin looks back at me, his eyes firm into mine and lips as a long straight line. «It's not an easy decision. And he doesn't do it all the time, only when it is needed.»
I shut up. I agree with nothing on this but it's also not my business. My firm idea about this won't make him change his mind and surely not his father. I just imagine myself being in a process where I am innocent but still put in jail just because the freaking lawyer is corrupted. This is so messed up and also so common nowadays. Everybody is corrupted; politics, police, and judges. All the people that have to protect us, only tilt on the money side.
I sigh, still in silence and Kevin surely is reading my mind by only looking at my face. «I know it's fucked up. But I didn't say I won't. I just said it's not easy to do it. I don't agree either with him, that's why I left.»
I raise my eyes to him and drink my not-hot-anymore cocoa and nod. I prefer to fly over this type of conversation, just because we still know a few of us and I don't want to discuss before even starting anything.
«I also have a question for you,» he admits while pushing one arm on the back of the seat and the other laying on the table.
I let go of my drink and lick off the foam from my upper lip. «Go on.»
«Do you always end up falling on strangers, when you're drunk?»
Oh no. I hoped he to never bring this up. He just wants to ease the tension between us but not how I wanted to. So I just clear my voice. «Point one, I wasn't drunk. Point two, I did not fall on you, you came to rescue me. Point tre, I never drink, that was my first and last.»
He chuckles, probably still thinking about me looking half drunk, with no-sense words coming out of my mouth and pretending to be fine when all I could see was two of him. And the smell of cigarettes. I still remember it but he didn't smoke while we walked here, and I didn't smell any smoke when he was closer.
«Point four, do you only smoke when you go out?»
Kevin nods. «Only when I drink.»
«Why?»
«Because that's the only moment when I feel in the need to do it.»
I twisted my nose. «How did you come so fast to pick me?»
He stays silent, hesitating on what to say. Wherever he was, Friday, he should have run to pick me up before I fall. If he was near enough, I would have seen him. Either he was already staring at me or I was really drunk to not have seen him. Suddenly, I can read his face. He was staring at me. He noticed me and from the moment he noticed, he just never took his eyes off me, realised when I was about to fall and came before I even moved my head.
I face him and he knows I figured it out. I don't know if to feel flattered about it. I mean, if we think reasonably he could have just noticed me and since we sort of know each other, it was obvious for him to stare at me. I was far away, not knowing he was there. He could have stared at me forever but then the fall happened and his cover just blew off to save me.
«You were not that far away and as soon as I saw you, I didn't move my eyes from you. I sensed you were drunk and then your friends left you. I could never move my eyes from you, letting something bad happen. So I waited for them to come back, but you were getting too close to the river. I started to move and right before you fell, I was there.»
I open my mouth in shock but then I quickly close it. I don't know what to say. This doesn't look like someone stalking or being creepy to you, it just looks like when someone likes you and cares you're okay. From the text on checking after seeing me crying out of the University, to making sure I didn't fall.
But I am still flying down. Nothing is sure until he says it.
«Thank you,» I admit. «For not letting me fall, I mean.»
He nods, with his eyes half closed, like he is forcing himself to think about something but can't find the answer and he is probably trying to figure out what I am thinking about him. We're on the same page, boy. I don't even know when you start to actually like someone and what are the symptoms of it. I think I like him but I am not sure about it. Butterflies in the stomach, burning skin, red cheeks, the will of seeing him again, feeling comfortable to talk with him. Are these the signs?
We finish our drinks talking about cars. How we ended up talking about that I don't know, but when I check the time I realised that my father is probably on his way home and I have to go, even if I don't want to. And this is another sign. Things are getting clear but the fear of an emotional fall is still pulling me back.
I pay for both of us. Not because he lets me, but because I put my card on the phone. So I was quicker than him and he laughed when he saw me all proud with the check in my hand, walking out of the bar.
«Seemed you were the one slow, this time.»
«Or maybe I pretend to be.»
«Come on, don't drag me down like that.»
He laughs and then stops right out of the bar, where we split the last time. This time, he doesn't seem he has to rush but he of course waits for me to take the decision. He knows I don't want him to know where I live and I still don't want to, but at the same time, I don't want to leave him. But since my father is coming back, I don't want him to meet Kevin while he is walking me home, on a dark night when he didn't even know I hang out with him again.
I turn my head to Kevin and he gets what I am about to say. «I got on that way,» I say pointing to where I have to walk.
He nods and tilts his head on left. «And I do on this way.»
«It was nice to see you again,» I truly say, hoping he can read the truth in my face.
«I was surprised when you texted me to see each other, I thought you would never,» he says and then makes two steps to get closer. «But also for me was nice to see you.»
My heart starts to beat fast like a train's wheel when we greet each other. This time, no kisses. I surround his neck with my arm, pointing and smelling the good perfume on his skin. And he does the same by holding me by the waist. Our chests barely touch and that's good, so he can't hear my heartbeats.
When we tear the hug, I give him a little smile before turning around and walking away before he could read whatever my face was saying. Everything is clear, in my expression right now. The childish smile, the red cheeks, the trembling hands.
Everything is clear in general.
I gave him another chance and my body just decided by itself what to do and the final verdict was one: I am falling for a guy. And this may lead me two either have a good relationship or have a breakdown.
—
AUTHOR'S SPACE
Oh yeeeee, hello! How are you all? I hope you're doing great.
Here we have a new chapter. I will try to post it every Friday so we have a schedule and I have a goal to try to follow and hope that posting on this day gives me more readers.
So, recap the chapter. We finally see Enede letting herself go and having more trust in the world and Kevin. She also asks him to hang out!! That's a big step for her and I am proud of it.
The homeless scene? Heartwarming. I am so like her and I would love to help everyone, mostly those who have puppies.
Anyway. We see Enede's life getting together. Her focusing on studies, having fun with a guy and fixing things with Marina. What can happen?
We all know what. <3
Q: do you think Enede should trust him and actually let her go? What do you think about her letting herself go?
Translation:
Che Dio ti benedica, ragazza!: God bless you, young lady!
Te lo meriti: you deserve it.
Oh, oggi è il mio giorno fortunato!: Oh, today is my lucky day!
Love y'all,
Benny xoxo.
COVER MADE BY ME.