The empty can of gasoline was thrown across carelessly. There would be no need for it now. An unlit cigarette hung from my lips, as I searched my pockets for a lighter.
Finally finding it, I took the little thing out. The golden shine of the zippo lighter glinting under the setting sun. I took a deep breath, my throat closing up instantly as I fought to not cough up violently.
The stinging in my eyes had gone down to a slight dull ache. Even the slight breeze felt freezing against my skin. Flicking on the lighter the flame burst to life. My eyes mesmerised by the orange light.
Slowly I brought the lighter towards my mouth, lighting the cig in my mouth. Breathing in the nicotine. I hated cigarettes, was never really a fan of them, but at the moment it seemed fitting, as dramatic as it might sound, I was setting the scene.
The crunching of leaves behind me alerted me of a presence. Instead of turning to see who it was I kept my gaze forward. Looking towards the sunset and the soft watery reflection it cast on the river below.
"Ana?" Quinn's voice caused goosebumps to rise on my arm, I had expected for it to a random person or a rabbit if I was lucky, but that one's on me. Luck has certainly not been on my side since.....well ever.
I don't turn but the lump in my throat grows, and I look towards the sky, releasing a deep sigh, and blink to rid my eyes of the stubborn tears that just refuse to leave me.
"Why are you here?" I ask in a broken whisper. I didn't bother with clearing my throat. I didn't bother with much of anything at the moment, none of it was going to matter anyway.
"I'm on my way home." The thud of a bag hitting the ground could be heard, her art supplies bag, she was coming back from art class, she had those on Tuesdays and Fridays, Jeremy had them on Thursdays and Fridays.
See, I listen, I care. Who the fuck was I even proving myself to?
"I didn't know you lived in the fucking jungle." I reply, trying to keep my voice still. And maybe I wasn't being fair. I wasn't actually in a jungle.
This was more of a small patch of greenery hidden away in a secluded little area. It lead towards a river. It seemed like I had stumbled upon the perfect little place. It was nice, quite, peaceful.
I hadn't realised someone could find me here.
"It's a shortcut." Quinn's voice brought me out of my mind. "And did you just swim in the lake or what? Why are you drenched? And what the fuck is that smell?"
"Gasoline." I reply as I finally pluck up the courage to turn towards her. Momentarily she looks confused but when her eyes dropped to my hand. The one that had a tight grip on the lighter her eyes widened.
"Ana-." "Don't." I stop her before she could even think about completing that sentence. The tears dripping down my eyes mixed together with the dripping gasoline.
"I can't suck you into this okay. My life is fucked up beyond repair, and I will fucking squander your tiny little ray of sunshine by bringing you into it." My voice broke, "You are so fucking good, and pure and just so nice and I can't have you become a part of any of this, so please just leave.
Just pick up your bag, and start walking away and don't fucking look back." I spoke as my hand shook and I ran the back of it along my face, hastily.
"Ana, please talk to me, what the hell is going on here?" Quinn exclaims, I let myself break as I speak. "There's no point Quinn, I've tried. For so long I kept fucking trying but none of it mattered in the end.
In the end, when it comes down to it, I'm still like her and I can keep lying to myself but that isn't going to change the reality."
"Like who?" Quinn asked and I laughed pathetically. "Like my mother." Quinn's expression melts from confusion to understanding. "What did she do?" I swallowed "She made my life hell. She was a monster."
Quinn comes near me but stopped short of entering the point where the gasoline had formed a small puddle around me. "And you think you're like her. That you're a monster?" she asked, and I nodded, not being able to meet her eyes.
"I don't know what she did. But I have met my fair share of monsters." I look at her in question and she shrugs. "Sometimes it's highschool bullies, sometimes it's random strangers on the street who just can't seem to wrap their fucking heads around the fact that I could love women.....But sometimes, sometimes it's your family. It's the people that are supposed to love you the most, the people you can rely on and count on for love and care." as she spoke her voice grew thicker, an indication that she might have been trying to stop herself from crying.
"And guess what, I'm not a therapist, I don't know the correct words to say to you that could make you believe me, but I do know that the biggest 'fuck you' you can give to those people is not caring. This what they want, to see you break, to see you crumble, but you can't let them have that.
And that is what your mother wants okay. she wants you to feel small and the only way you can fight back is to show her that she doesn't matter, her words don't matter."
I stared at Quinn, if only it was that easy. if only faking a confident smile could fix it all. "It's not that simple. It's-." I started to speak but was cut off and Quinn threw herself into my arms. "It is, okay. Of all the things in the world, this is pretty fucking simple. Don't let them get to you. Shut them all out and just believe in yourself."
Turning to look at me she rested her hands on my face. "You're not a monster. And you can talk shit about yourself all you want but I see it okay. I see it." "See what?" I ask her.
"Sunshine, you can deny it but I see it. And it is so fucking bright." I don't say anything, mostly because I have no clue of what could I possibly say to this.
"Go home please." mindlessly I nod, my head in a whirlpool of thoughts, like a washing machine spinning on high. And everything felt so overwhelming, as I desperately hoped that someone would open the door and let it all out of my head for once.
The gasoline on my clothes had dried up by now, only leaving a lingering smell. The moment I entered the house, I heard him. Running up to me as the others tried to stop him. "Alvise. Stop." I heard Joseph say as he held the older boy back.
"What the hell did you say to him? You don't get to control who he goes out with okay? Wasn't it enough for you that you took my mother, you have to take him too. We were all fine without you. So do us all a favor and stay the hell out of things that don't concern you." I stared back at Alvise after his rant.
"You done?" I ask, once he finally stopped. He scoffed, "No actually. One last thing. You wanted Joseph to come up with something better than psycho, well I've got it. You are a fucking selfish monster."
My nails dug into my palm at his statement. Of course. "I know." without another word I walked up to my room slamming the door shut as I took deep breaths, to stop myself from hyperventilating. "You were wrong Quinn, so wrong." I muttered into the quiet room.
Then my eyes fell to the open bathroom, I exhaled as I went in, opening the medicine cabinet and searching through it for that one bottle.
Finally I found it. The bottle still half full. Xanax.
Fuck being poetic.
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I'm crying!! How could this happen!!!
This was sad, and the sadness saga is going to continue😗✌️
But tell me what you guys thought! I'd love to hear your thoughts!
My uni's starting tomorrow! Ahhhh
Wish me luck!✨✨
I love you all!!💕💕✨✨