Warning: Violence, Gore, Cursing, Crude humor, mentions of sexual activity, alcohol, throwing up, drunken people, hangovers
Like I said, this show is rated 18+
Os'Tan--A Dungeons and Dragons Elvish word meaning 'Uncle'
O'Si--A Dungeons and Dragons Elvish word meaning 'Mother'
Gods I hated bars. The stink of drunken adventurers, bounty hunters and mercenaries alike flooded my sensitive nose, as I tried to ease the migraine that'd formed from the day's bad job, nursing a cup of tea between my claws.
Watching as Vax, Vex, Keyleth, Grog and Pike all chugged their ale down, the others of the bar--save for myself, Scanlan and papa--cheering them on, my long tail curled close to my feet, to avoid Grog from stepping on it like he's done in the past.
Papa was sitting besides me and sipping at his wine, his weapon--the Powder Box--resting on top of the wooden surface, as my silver and blue spear lay angled against the wall. Flinching--thanks to that stupid head pain--when the goliath barbarian slammed his cup down in victory once he'd completed his drink first, "That's right! Who's the best?!"
"You'd be even better if you'd quiet down a bit," I muttered, pinching the space between my brows with a sigh, as my father gave me a sympathetic look, knowing fully well that I wasn't in my element.
In all honesty, I'd much rather be reading one of my books outside, or in a nice nook of the town's library. Unfortunately, the library was closed, and many unsavory folk were roaming the area, to which my protective parent had dragged me inside to keep an eye on me...despite being fully knowledgeable in the ways of a spear, and using magic!
Not to mention the pet bear--in armor--outside.
Though, I couldn't exactly fault him either, after he'd lost so much, it made sense why he'd want to keep me close...even if it got a bit irritating at times. After all, this is my family--albeit a strange one--and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
"Grog wins. Again," Papa deadpanned, taking another sip of his wine, it's acidic aroma burning my nose.
"Ah, fuck me," Vax groaned, leaning back in his seat and massaging his forehead, most likely feeling the oncoming hangover he'd have the next morning. "Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?"
"You ask this question every time you go drinking Os'Tan, and the answer is always the same," I sigh, shaking my head fondly as the others all turn to me, waiting as I take a sip of my tea, before placing it back down on the table. "'Because it's the fastest way to get drunk.'"
"Atta' girl," Vex ruffled my hair with a proud look on her face, much to the displeasure of my father, who gave a disappointed sigh and placed his wine glass down, sending my O'Si a scolding look.
Sure, the half-elf woman wasn't married to papa, but I still viewed her as a mother, and one of my closest confidants when it came to my father's habits and behaviors towards me...she held a lot, of personal secrets of mine in that head of her's.
"Please stop teaching my daughter your bad habits."
"Says you Perc," Vax laughed, ignoring the look he'd also gotten for using the noble's--very much hated--group nickname. "But I think lil' Sparks here is growing up just fine."
"Only because I raised her most of her life," He huffed back, indigently picking up his glass and taking yet another sip.
At this rate, he was going to join the others in getting himself drunk, winding up with poor Trinket and I dragging them all back to a nearby inn to stay at. Something which both of us would prefer not to do. Uncle Grog is as heavy as he looks.
"Who's drunk?! Not me. I'm great!" Jumping as Aunt Keyleth suddenly shot up from where she'd passed out on the table, both myself and father seemed to sigh in exasperation, as the Air Ashari tried--and failed--to stumble out of her seat, looking about ready to throw up that night's meal from all the alcohol she'd consumed. "I think we should go for another round!~"
"Auntie, maybe you should sit down," Getting up to help her, I was waved off--more like swatted off with the way she was swinging her arm--and could only watch in sympathy, as the woman suddenly went green in the face, and hucked up the contents of her stomach, Aunt Pike leaning over with furrowed brows as she patted the ginger on the back.
"Didn't you only have one ale?" Cringing as another round of half digested food came back up, the poor gnome had to look away in order not to throw up herself, covering her mouth to avoid the smell.
Not me, I had the unfortunate ability to smell things from miles away, so even if I covered my nose, I could still smell the scent of stomach acid mixed with food. Thank you draconic genes.
"Augh! Watch it bitch," A growl sounded out, as some random mercenary came walking by the table, ruffly pushing my sick aunt aside and sauntering over to his table.
"Hey! You watch it, dicknose!" Uncle Grog shouted over at the other group, to which I immediately groaned, knowing what would soon be happening, quickly sitting down and praying to any deity that was listening, that we could finish this night out normally for once.
"Easy, Grog," Auntie Pike held up a hand, herself also glaring over at the rival table...I didn't need to see her face to know she was doing it. "We don't waste our time on talking to assholes, remember?"
"Oi, tavern keep! Another round for Vox Machina!" Vex called out to the bar woman, who was currently cleaning her counter, the half-elf's face showing to be quite smug. "The greatest band of mercenaries in all the realm."
'Here it comes,' I thought with a sigh, knowing that those words would most certainly, start another fight...they always did.
A laugh sounded from the table next to us, where the orc that'd pushed aunt Keyleth earlier, drunkenly swung around the ale in his hand, mockingly looking over at our table, "'The Greatest?' I heard you couldn't even rescue a cow from a burning barn!" His friends laughed alongside him, as the stranger slammed his cup down on the table, the sound making my ears ring and migraine worsen, "Vox Machina', what a fucking joke!"
Noticing Vax get up from his seat, I went to speak to try and stop the oncoming fight--which would certainly get us thrown out from yet another tavern--but Vex stopped me, by gently grabbing my arm and sitting me down, to where I could only watch as my uncle slammed the blade of his dagger down onto the stranger's table, "Let's keep things civil, friend."
'Your tone sounds like anything other than friendly!'
"We're not looking for trouble."
'And yet you storm over and slam your dagger into their seating area!'
The rude brute from earlier got up and walked towards my glaring uncle, stopping at when there was only a foot of space between them, and glaring down at the dark clad rouge, "Oh, I'll bet you ain't!" Everyone else in the tavern gasped as the orc grabbed Vax by the front of his shirt, lifting him up slightly so that they were nearly face to face, "Everyone knows that you're a bunch of pathetic losers, who can't get a fucking job!"
I noted how blue sparks seemed to dance around me, as I was forced to listen to this fucker insult my family, the sound of my spear's humming coming from where it rested on the wall, the weapon reacting to my emotions.
"Look at your scrawny ass. Too weak to tickle your own pickle," He sneered, to which both papa and I gave him disgusted looks, cringing at the insult's vulgarity.
"Are you offering to help?~" Uncle flirted, making me slam my head on the table with a groan, wishing the earth would just swallow me up right then and there, aunt Pike patting my back sympathetically.
"Yeah."
'Oh for gods' sake!'
"U-Uh, well, no! I...fuck you!" The mercenary sputtered out, not having expected the tension to go to flirting, having been caught off guard.
'I'm sure Uncle Scanlan would gladly do so.'
"Oh, I'm only asking you to give me a hand~" Os'Tan cooed, his voice going from flirty to slightly mocking, as the sound of a weapon slicing through flesh had me looking up, to see the stranger's left hand flopping on the ground, as he went stumbling back into the bar.
'And, here we go,' I sigh, taking a long swig of my tea, and praying that this night would be over already, my tail twitching in anticipation.
"You know, Vax, I think he's willing!" Grog happily cheered, picking up and showing off the--still bleeding, ew--severed limb. "Ooh, can I keep this?"
"No you may not!" Both papa and I shouted, not wanting to deal with the stench.
"Don't just stand there gawking, louts!" The orc shouted to his teammates, who were just as shocked as the rest of the patrons, at what'd just happened. "Kill them!"
As the doberman mercenary came charging at me, I carefully placed the tea cup on the windowsill--not wanting to ruin the tavern keep's glass--and summoned forth my spear, Stormbringer, it's silver blade humming loudly as I sliced it across the monster's chest, who cried out in pain.
Hopping onto a table and dancing about to avoid getting grabbed or injured, I yelped as a hand unexpectedly grabbed my tail, instinctively jabbing whoever had done so with my stinger tail, turning to see some random patron dead on the floor.
'Whoops.'
But to be fair, you should never grab the tail of any animal based life form, it's a sensitive limb, and you may just wind up biting off more than you can chew...like the man on the floor.
My ear flicked as I heard a battle cry, and heavy feet come charging towards me, turning as another mercenary--not with the first group--was running towards me, mace held above his head, only to have his head blown to bits by papa's Pepperbox.
"Papa! I had that one!" Scowling and hopping off the table, both he and I met up with one another, going back to back as we covered one another.
"You shouldn't even be in this mess in the first place!" He huffed, loading another round as I made sure he was well protected, before firing off at another approaching me from behind. "I'd much rather you be peacefully trying to ease off the day's pains."
"Did you really expect anything else from this bizzare family?" I laughed, using Indigo Prismic Spray to bind up a group that came charging towards us, right as another figure sent papa flying, right into a room nearby, causing me to have to flip away and end up next to Vax...who was chugging another cup of ale, making me deadpan at him.
"What?" He drunkenly asked, raising a brow at my expression.
"Really uncle? In the middle of a fight?"
"You really need to stop taking after your father sometimes Sparks, and loosen up a bit," Huffing, he summoned back his daggers and charged into the fray, where I could only sigh in exasperation, as he got caught once again, and O'Si had to save him.
"Why does this happen every time we go out drinking?!" Aunt Keyleth exclaimed, as she used thorny vines to ties up the dog beast, leaning heavily on her staff.
Dodging another blow, I cut down my attacker and went to cover the least stable of us all--sorry auntie--using my lighting to drive back any others that might try something, "Probably because of you both; A. Being drunk, and B. Picking fights." I zapped another stranger, before letting out a sarcastic quip. "But that's just my theory."
"Where the hell is Scanlan?!" Uncle Vax cried out, as he was flung down into the floor, making me sigh.
"Where do you, think he is uncle?!"
"Nevermind."
The fight seemed to drag on, before a shout from the bar keep had everyone frozen, "STOP!!" Turning to where she was angrily glaring us down, my instinctual reaction--due to the few times I got into trouble with papa--was to put my spear away and lower my head in shame, tail curled around my legs, "First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And-and what is that gnome doing with my daughter?!"
We all turned to the open room, only for me to scrunch up my nose in disgust, and immediately turn away, "I could've gone my whole life without having to see that."
"Who's paying for all this?!" The minotaur lady snarled, brown eyes blazing in rage.
"Goodness, such a mess. Absolutely dreadful," Vex sighed and shook her head, obviously trying to play the whole wreckage of the tavern off, as if it was someone else's fault. "But I can assure you, darling, Vox Machina will find those responsible--"
"Don't even try it," The bar owner waved her hands, as she interrupted the half-elf lady with a huff, knowing fully well that the archer was trying to weasle us all out of paying. "Money, now."
"Well, you see..." O'Si was interrupted as the candle chandelier fell down, causing a storm cloud of dust to rise up, causing the minotaur woman to get angrier, changing from human to bull as a result. "If you'll give me five..."
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Getting thrown out was never any fun either, though luckily the tavern keep was nice enough to simply allow me to walk out on my own, seeing as I hadn't caused any real damage like the rest of them, even sparing her the trouble of replacing her old tea cups.
That...and I'd given her the savings I'd earned from one off jobs around the city, such as helping the locals and rebuilding stores and homes, in order to buy my own sorcery books and magical items. Random jobs to do, for when papa had deemed their missions, 'too dangerous' for me, given I was still fifteen, and not yet an adult.
It hadn't paid for every bit of damage, but it was enough to replace the chandelier and half of the furniture.
Avoiding looking at my, still naked uncle--Scanlan--I sat down on the end of the steps, listening to them talk, as the bard gnome managed to both get his clothes back, and redress himself.
"You didn't have to do that," Aunt Keyleth said, turning to me with a frown, and fiddling with the ends of her fiery locks. "You saved up all that money and--"
"It's fine auntie, really," Moving from the steps to next to her, I patted the ashari on the back, shrugging in a nonchalant manner. "You're family, and besides, I can always get another job or two. I heard Mrs. Peters I looking for someone to help rebuild an old barn of her's anyways."
"Yes, well, while that's all fine and dandy, we've got no job, no money and no place to live," Uncle Vex spoke up with a grumble, still looking rather worn out from the fight. "And currently, fuck all prospects, outside of rebuilding some old lady's barn."
"We would, if someone, hadn't killed our last client," Papa growled, shooting Grog--who had somehow held onto the severed hand, and was making it flip us off--a glare.
"I said I was sorry," The goliath pouted, lowering his newfound 'treasure', at the mention of their last failure.
"We have a mountain of debts and--oh, good--three silver to our name," Pulling out a bag of money--that she'd most likely stolen in the fight--Vex shook it and frowned at how little there was inside. "We need a job. And while I would love to help that old lady out, I doubt it'll pay very much."
"I mean, if protecting carts from swindlers and killing goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere," Pike spoke up, her voice sounding defeated as the gnome stood up, sadness in her eyes as she looked across the group. "I don't know, maybe...maybe, we could try doing some good this time?"
"Nah," Everyone--save for myself and Pike--spoke in unison, whilst I could only sigh at their response, offering my aunt a sympathetic look.
"Pike, ethics are a luxury, we currently can't afford," Papa spoke up, his tone cold, as he stared down the armor clad woman, whose shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Have you guys ever thought, maybe, we're not really meant to do this?" Keyleth spoke up with her own defeated expression, making the--already somber air--worse. "I mean, Vex and Vax only care about themselves."
"Well, fuck you," The siblings scowled at the druid.
"Grog just wants to murder everyone."
"Yeah, pretty much," The barbarian happily chuckled, not noticing the tension.
"Percy barely wants to be seen with us in public, and only really cares about Alala," Papa didn't say a word, only looking away as the ginger spoke, his eyes briefly glancing to myself. "While Alala is barely able to keep up with her studies as a sorceress, thanks to always paying for our messes."
"And Scanlan wants..." Keyleth didn't bother finishing, as the bard finished for her.
"To bed everyone in the realm," Uncle smirked in pride, taking his lute off, and setting it next to Grog. "Yes, you can say it, Keyleth. I'm not ashamed."
'I don't think that's the problem.'
My nose scrunched up in disgust, as a couple of childhood memories came to mind, of my father nagging my uncle about being decent around me, considering that the gnome tended to bring back anyone he'd managed to convince to go to bed with him, not wanting my innocence to be taken so young.
Yeah, that failed by age seven, when I'd heard him and some woman in bed...Scanlan had to deal with an angered artificer the next morning, when I'd mentioned the strange noises I'd heard from his room.
"Honestly, why are we even together?" Pulling her legs up to her chest, aunt Keyleth sounded just about ready to leave the party, making me freeze up in fear at the possibility of losing my family.
Would the party really disband?
It was silent for a moment as this heavy thought hung over us, before Uncle Scanlan broke it, "Welp, while you're all moping around, I have to drain the proverbial basilisk." At that, he walked around the corner to relieve himself, leaving us to our tense silence, only coming back moments later with a poster, "This!" Everyone looked up as he ran over, shoving it into our faces. "This is our purpose! Fighting for justice, for glory, protecting the kingdom and stuff. And most importantly...lots of money!~"
As he sang that last part, his pants fell down, and papa immediately covered my eyes with his hand with a groan, to which I internally thanked him.
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The next morning, we made our way to the castle, after I'd managed to get us a place to sleep at, thanks to befriending one of the local innkeepers family, and we walked up the many, flights of stairs, Stormbringer humming contently on my back.
"We're really going to see the sovereign looking like this?" Aunt Keyleth asked, motioning to our...less than stellar appearances.
"Halt," The two guards at the entrance crossed their spears in front of the door, in order to keep us from entering the castle, with O'Si taking out the crumpled up poster and showing it to the two with a smirk. "Okay, we'll take you in, but the bear waits outside."
Trinket let out a sad growl, as well all went inside, to where a group of people were talking on a platform above, with the air ashari trying--and failing--to gain their attention, up until Uncle Grog let out a horrendous burp, that echoed across the room, all of the council members turning to the source of the noise.
"I'm sorry, who the hell are you?" The halfling paladin--who I guessed was Lady Kima from my studies--glared down at us, her blunt response making me choke on my spit out, as I tried not to laugh.
"Vox Machina. You see, it's actually--"
"Not right now papa," I said, gently covering up his mouth with a 'sorry' expression on my face, knowing if he went on explaining the meaning of the name, we'd be here all day.
"Sire, I warned you the notices would attract the scum of Emon," Another council member--who I guessed was Sir Fince--sneered down at us, before painting on a respectful expression for his king.
"Excuse you?" Both Vex and I scowled at the grey skinned elf, rightfully insulted at his derogatory quip.
"I think Sir Fince mean a foe this deadly, requires more seasoned--" The human general--who was General Kreig--went to speak, only to be interrupted by the grey elf once again.
"Krieg, don't bother with these drunken buffoons," Fince sneered once again, his grating voice was starting to get on my nerves. "Guards?!"
Several armed soldiers went to 'escort' us out, only for Scanlan to sputter out in offence, and take out his lute, making me groan in exasperation, "'Buffoons?!' Clearly you've never heard of the Legend of Vox Machina!~"
"For the love of all that is holy uncle, please, anything but the song," I harshly whispered to the gnome, as I leaned down with an embarrassed expression, hoping the bard would get the hint....
He didn't.
"Allow me to give you a proper introduction~" Strumming the instrument, I once again prayed that the earth would swallow me up, so that I didn't have to suffer through this embarrassing ordeal.
"Oh, gods, here we go," Apparently Os'Tan felt the same way.
🎶 Your excellence tried the best fighters, who've adventured far and wide~🎶
🎶 But I promise that you've never met a troop so qualified!~🎶
🎶 There's Grog our might giant~🎶
🎶He's a simpleminded hulk~🎶
🎶And Percy's Pepperbox~🎶
🎶Can blow apart your fucking skull~🎶
🎶Nature hath no fury, quite like Keyleth the Ashari~🎶
🎶Controlling plants and animals, she's a magical safari~🎶
🎶The twins Vex and Vax, she shoots, he hides in the pitch~🎶
🎶They're stealthy and quite deadly, but I forget which one is which~🎶
"He's Vax," The she-elf pointed to her brother, deadpanning.
"She's Vex," The male elf pointed to his sister, also, deadpanning.
🎶Pike's divinity is pure~🎶
🎶Her hands can always heal~🎶
🎶Then there's our dear sorceress, a Dragonborn like no other~🎶
🎶When Alala's summoning her lightning, make sure to duck and cover~🎶
🎶Oh, and did I mention we have a bear?~🎶
🎶Trinket, no big deal~🎶
🎶And as for myself? My name is Scanlan~🎶
🎶The man with the phat purple hand~🎶
🎶My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it~🎶
🎶Get some water, hide your daughters~🎶
Sovereign Uriel clearing his throat had uncle getting back on track, "Oh. Uh, sorry."
🎶Brave warriors are we, and far more clever than a fox~🎶
🎶They'll tell tale of our exploits, in the Legend of Vox Machina!~🎶
"Uh, thank you very much," The bard smirked, trying to continue to appear confident, despite the fact that Pike had fallen asleep, Keyleth was still quite sick, and all of us were rather...no well put together from last night's fight.
The council didn't seem all that convinced either, with Uriel being the one to speak, "Give the council a moment to discuss your curious group."
As they talked, I dug through my pouch to look for the hangover herbs that I made sure to always keep on me, and held some under the air ashari's nose, herself smiling in thanks as the sickness seemed to fade away slowly, alongside some bread to soak up any leftover ale in her system.
"Very well," The king's voice, had me turning my attention back to himself and the council, to see what their decision would be. "You're hired Vox Machina."
'That stupid song actually worked?' I gave a look of disbelief to Scanlan, who smirked back at myself and Vax.
"Mainly because I liked the bear," Uriel added, making me deadpan, before his next words made myself and group blink in surprise. "And because your Dragonborn friend had quite the good reputation amongst the people, for aiding them out. So you must have some, potential." He then motioned to a woman dressed in blue, her blonde hair shining in the light. "Lady Allura will accompany you to the Shale Steps, the village closest to the last attack."
"So, what exactly are we killing?" Uncle Vax asked, him and O'Si showing--for lack of a better word--twin smirks, arms crossed. "And, how much are we making?"
"We don't know what you're killing," Came Krieg's response, as he summoned forth a solider, that carried a large golden box and motioning to it, making everyone else's eyes shine. "But once you kill it, all this is yours."
"Uh, one more question," Uncle Scanlan spoke up, as were lead by Lady Allura towards a side door, the human glancing back at us briefly. "Yeah, how are we supposed to get there?"
Stepping outside, we all gasped in awe at the sight of the large airship, which awaited us with sails billowing.
To be Continued.......................................