For the next few hours, I helped the operators and patients get them into the hospital and ensure that everyone got the medical attention they needed. By the end of it, I felt drained out. Mentally and physically.
I got into my car and drove away towards the town, but instead of driving to the hospital, I pulled next to the river and parked. Not only did I feel mentally and physically exhausted, but for some reason, I felt empty. there was a total of twelve patients and three deaths
three deaths
Am I doing enough?
That's the question that I couldn't help but wonder about. Am I doing enough? Am I working hard? I felt my throat tighten at the thought as I felt tears streaming down my face. What if I need to work harder? I feel like I have barely done anything since I came here. I looked at the time, and it was one am.
I honestly didn't feel like I wanted to go to the hospital. As ridiculous as this may sound, I felt like everyone was so good at their job that I felt like I wouldn't make a difference even if I were there to help or not.
Even at the smallest job that Doctor Park told me to visit Doctor Kang's grandmother and find out about his past, I couldn't even do that properly. I blew my cover away and just straight up told Doctor Kang about everything. I couldn't even treat Doctor Kang without having my cover blown off.
Do I even deserve to call myself a nurse?
Now that I know about Doctor Kang's blindness, all I have to do is tell Doctor Park... Then what?... let me go?... that's all... after all that's all he wanted me for... to figure out Doctor Kang's cause of blindness and leave...it already happened once, and it's going to happen again...
As if I don't matter.
It happened in the city hospital now it will happen again
Being abandoned again...
and again...
again...
It will happen anyway. I would have to leave any way. I can't stay here forever. I'm going to have to leave any way.
I started my car and drove away towards the hospital. Once I reached there, I entered the hospital, and to my surprise, everything was under control despite the number of patients and the extent of the injuries there were. The fact that they managed to get it under control in a short time was surprising to me.
"Oh Miss Kim", I heard a voice call out to me, and I saw Miss Jeon rush towards me.
"Hello, Miss Jeon" I smiled.
"I heard you were at the accident scene all this time", Miss Jeon said. "Out in the cold and dark."
"Yeah, we manage to give medical attention to everyone," I said
"I'm quite impressed you seem to get the patient stable, and even your techniques are quite impressive," Miss Jeon said
"Oh, it's nothing much. Is Doctor Park here?" I asked
"Oh, he is in surgery with Doctor Kang," Miss Jeon said
"Oh, I see. Okay, then I will go get ready, and I will be in the emergency room," I said and was about to leave, but Miss Jeon stopped me
"Miss Kim, go get some rest. You look exhausted," Miss Jeon said
"It's okay. I haven't done much. I will see you in the emergency room," I said and left for the staff room. I changed into my work outfit. I made my way to the emergency room and started to check up on the patients that already received treatment making sure that they were doing well.
"Nurse, my wife isn't breathing", I heard a voice call me. I looked and saw it was the elder couple from the accident earlier. I rushed towards them and saw the grandma unconscious.
"Ma'am, can you hear me?" I said, shaking her shoulder lightly, trying to see if she was conscious. I checked the pulse of his wife, who was on the bed. it was very weak and no breathing
"Arrest in bed five", I called out and got on top of the bed as I started to do chest compression "intubation and bring the monitor", I commanded one of the nurses, and he did it.
I did the compression for a few minutes. Come on, just one beat.... just one... I stared intensely at the monitor that was connected to her. But there was no sign of any heartbeat.
"bring the defibrillator immediately", I called out
"Stop"
I hear the husband say. However, I didn't stop.
"Please stop," he said louder, looking at me as tears filled his eyes. "We already decided not to do this, Nurse. We already signed the paper that we don't want CPR to be performed on us."
I immediately knew what papers he was talking about. Do Not Resuscitate Order. But I still didn't stop. I already saw enough dead bodies today. I didn't want to see another person die. They deserve to live.
"Sir", I panted, hoping he would change his mind. however, he just grabbed my hands into his making me stop
"You may stop, Nurse," the husband said, looking me in the eye. He was sincere about it. I got off the bed, and I looked at the wife who lay there lifeless. A constant beep went off from the monitor, indicating her death.
Another one.
Dead
"You have been through so much, honey," the husband said as he held her hand and ran his fingers lightly through her hair. "You have done so much as my partner in life."
I felt tears build up in my eyes, but I refused for it to spill out. I don't know what is going on with me today. This is probably the worst feeling I have ever felt in a long time—a time where I don't want to remember, and I don't want to go back to.
I pronounced the wife dead and walked out of the emergency room. That's when my tears fell on my cheek. I made my way to the staff room. However, I heard someone call out my name, and it was Doctor Kang. I quickly wiped away my tears before turning to him.
"Yes, Doctor Kang", I smiled. He was in his scrubs as he had just come out of the operation room. I looked into his eyes to see if he had vision loss, but it seemed to move perfectly as he could look at me directly in my eye.
"Are you okay?" he asked
"Yes", I replied immediately
"I saw what just happened in the emergency room. You don't look okay, Dal Hee," Doctor Kang said, calling me by my name sends warmth to my body. I don't know if I should like it or not.
"I should be", I replied, looking down "it's not. This is my first time. But I never get used to it."
"You did your best", he replied, "that what counts."
"Did I do my best?" I said, "I'm not even sure about that. Am I doing this right? Is the best I'm doing the best for the patient?"
"A doctor is only a human. you are a human, Miss Kim." Doctor Kang said. I looked up at him. His comfort brought warmth to my body. The way he is trying to assure me that everything is okay. I looked at his cheek and realised a cut on his left cheek.
"Are you okay? You have a cut on your cheek," I said, pointing at it. Doctor Kang brushed his fingers against his cheek and hissed. it seems to be a deep cut
"I probably just accidentally cut myself with something," he said. "It's going to be fine."
"Here, let me help you," I said and grabbed his wrist, taking him to the staff room. "Sit down", I commanded, and he sat on the chair of one of the desks as I grabbed the emergency kit and looked at the cut.
"It's a pretty deep cut. Thankfully it doesn't seem like you need stitches," I said. I started to clean his wound and bandage it.
"It's not that bad," Doctor Kang said. there he goes again, not wanting to get help from anyone
"Doctor Kang, it's okay to ask for help. there is nothing wrong with it-" I said, but he grabbed my hand that was about to clean his cut
"Listen, I said I'm fine, and I don't need your help," Doctor Kang said, looking at me.
"Taehyun," I said. His name made his eyes soften. "Do you want to go blind?"
He kept quiet. He didn't say anything. He looked away and let go of my wrist. I started to clean his wound.
"You still can heal it. You have a strong and successful career, don't let it go to ruins. You are a great doctor. I was impressed by the surgery you operated on the first day I came here," I said. "You have to get closure of what happened in the accident. It seems like you still want to believe your family is still alive. You need closure, get answers to the questions you have been wondering about. It will help a lot, Taehyun. Trust me"
"I already have all the answers," Doctor Kang said
"Then what is it that is keeping you stuck in the accident?" I asked
"Why didn't I die?" he said. I felt my body freeze at his question. My heart throbbed in pain.
I should have saved you.
That's what I immediately remembered. That is the thought I kept thinking about growing up. I felt guilty. Indeed I see a lot of myself in him. I want to help him.
"My whole family died in that car accident except for me. why?" he said as bitterness filled his voice
"It's a gift, that's why," I said, causing him to look at me. "Look at you right now. Instead of wasting it, you became a doctor. isn't that's why you became a doctor?"
"I didn't want to disappoint my grandma and my parents", he confessed
"She is proud of you. Your grandma. She told me when I visited her in the cafe shop," I said. I put a bandage on his cheek. A kiss to make it all better. I thought as I leaned in and pressed my lips against his cheek right on the bandage.
I stopped on my spot as I realised what I had just done.
Did I kiss him on the cheek?
I stood up immediately, and he sat up as he looked shocked with his large eyes wide open. His face was red. I didn't know if it was out of anger or out of embarrassment. or even both.
"S-s-sorry, It's just a habit of mine," I said. "Y-you see, my mom would a-always do that to me since I was young, so it j-just became a habit of mine. s-sorry, I didn't mean to make y-you uncomfortable. I promise I will not do it again. I-"
I stopped when I saw him grab his coat and leave the staff room. I felt tears build up in my eyes. Shit, that was so embarrassing. AHHHH DAL HEE, why would you do that. I feel so stupid. I hate this. Why is this happening to me?
When you are about to help him, and he is about to open up about his past, you do some stupid shit that ruins the whole process.
Aish, I'm so mad at myself.
I should leave this hospital before things get worse.
I heard the door open, and I was praying that it wasn't Doctor Kang, which thankfully wasn't. It was Doctor Kai.
"Oh Miss Kim, Doctor Park is looking for you," Doctor Kai said, smiling
Okay, perfect time to tell Doctor Park I want to leave