|Shawn|
January 2000
I felt like I was in a haze. I had spent months telling Rebecca I was going to get clean, and if anything I had gotten worse. I knew I shouldn't have taken anything before the party, but I couldn't stop myself.
Now Cameron was opening presents. Rebecca was doing most of the work, since he was only turning one. I sat beside them, feeling like I was in a different place entirely.
Rebecca could tell I was fucked up, and I knew it. Her posture was rigid and she avoided looking at me, focusing completely on Cam. Like I should have been. I knew I was in for an earful once everyone left.
"Shawn, look over here. I want a picture of all three of you," Mama said. I tried to focus hard enough to look normal and happy. Based on Rebecca's huff, I knew I had failed.
"One day. You couldn't get yourself cleaned up for one day, Shawn." Her voice was quiet enough that one I could hear, but it was laced with venom.
I couldn't think straight enough to care. It was just some party, what did she have her panties all in a twist for? The kid would have plenty more birthdays.
Little did I know then how much those milestones would come to mean to me.
***
I threw Scottie up in the air and caught her effortlessly. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Daddy, can you stay? And Mommy."
"Mommy and Daddy have to go to work. You're going to go stay with Grandma Linda tomorrow. You like it there, don't you?"
"I want to stay with you and Mommy," she insisted. That tugged at my heartstrings.
I tucked her into her bed, taking a seat on the edge of it. "We will be right here when you wake up. Tomorrow we're all going to the airport together, and we'll get on a plane to go back to your grandma's."
"Cam too?"
She asked for Cam a lot lately. She just wanted someone to play with.
"Cam is at his mommy's house," I said.
"Can you stay with me at Grandma's house?"
"No, sweetheart," I answered. "But you'll see us in a few days, okay? I promise. You're going to have so much fun with Grandma that you won't even notice we're gone."
"Okay."
"Now you have to go to bed so you'll be full of energy tomorrow." I kissed her forehead, making sure she was snuggled into the blankets.
"Love you, Daddy."
I paused by the door. "I love you too, sweetheart." I turned off the light and her princess night light turned on.
Kat was waiting for me on the couch when I came back downstairs. "How was putting Scottie to bed?" she asked.
I knew that as much as she was trying to give me time with Scottie, it still gave Kat some anxiety to leave Scottie's daily tasks to me. A combination of knowing Scottie was a complete mama's girl, worrying about whether we would bond, and lingering memories of how clueless about parenting I used to be plagued her mind.
"Perfectly fine," I reassured her. Then I clasped my hands together and announced my big surprise. "Now relax and grab yourself a drink, because I'm going to cook dinner for you."
Kat stopped in her tracks. After all the time we'd spent together, it was getting harder to surprise her. "You've never cooked a meal for me."
"A man can't have hobbies?" I asked with a teasing smile. I walked into the kitchen and began grabbing the cookware I needed.
"No, no, I like it," Kat said, following me. "I just didn't know you knew how."
"When I was living by myself, I had to eat somehow." I opened the fridge and grabbed the sauce I had bought.
"What are you making?"
"Good ol' fashioned spaghetti. Mama's recipe, so you know it's good."
She hopped up onto the island, facing me. "If you can execute the recipe."
"I'm not the one who set off the fire alarm."
"That was--"
"Three times!" I exclaimed. Kat was never known for being the best cook, but she sure tried. Sometimes that was for the worst.
"I never said I can cook. I just didn't know you could," she said. "So what else do you do now?"
I shrugged. I poured Kat a glass of wine, which she happily accepted. "Not a whole lot. I'd like to get back into hunting. My dad used to take me when I was a boy."
Those memories with my father were dear to me as bonding experiences. Maybe one day I would be able to take Scottie and Cam hunting or fishing. They were still too young for any of that.
"I think I'd like to try growing a garden," Kat said, looking out the window. "I've never done it, and I don't really have the space for it here, but I think it would be fun."
"We have the land for it in San Antonio."
"We?"
As much as I would love for Kat to move back in with me so we could spend more time together, I didn't want to push her into anything too soon. She had asked if we could take our relationship slowly, and I was trying my best to accommodate her wish.
"That is, if you wanted to move back in," I added quickly. "You don't have to, I don't mean to rush you or anything."
"I think I'd like that." She paused, looking out the window. "You know, I've been coming here since I was a little girl. It was our vacation home. Dad handed over the keys when I turned 19. He thought it would make me like him again."
"Did it?" I asked, already knowing the answer. Vince and Kat had a rich history when it came to their relationship, part of which I was there for.
"No, it wasn't that simple." Kat became quiet for a minute, considering my offer. "This place has never felt like home. I would love to move back in with you. Scottie will have so much yard to play in."
"I can build a swing set for the kids."
"You're a chef and a handyman now?" she teased.
"Not really." I stirred the pasta sauce. "But it can't be that difficult. The stuff my siblings and I played on was all handmade by my dad. That is, until we moved."
"You moved a lot, didn't you? What was your favorite place?"
As much history as Kat and I had, there were still some things we didn't know about each other. Our first time together, we weren't worried about all the backstory; we just let ourselves get swept up in the chemistry. I was glad we were at a place where we could have deeper discussions.
"My favorite house was probably the first one I can remember," I said. "I was around Scottie's age. That's where the swing set was, and I was friends with all the neighbor kids. I wasn't in school yet, so I didn't have to worry about that."
"Was changing schools the worst part?"
"Oh, absolutely," I emphasized. "I was constantly the new kid. It's hard to make friends that way. It got better once we moved to San Antonio, while I was in high school. Got to stay until I graduated, and that's when I finally felt like I fit in."
"You were on the football team, right?" Kat asked, taking a sip of her drink.
"Not only was I on the team, I was captain of the team."
"I was a cheerleader for a year."
"Really?" I asked. Awkward, clumsy Kat? A cheerleader? "I didn't expect that."
"I wasn't very good at it. The girls were pretty mean. I got bullied until I quit."
"I'm sorry."
She waved it off. "I got bullied all the time. Shane would get so mad... he would pull up to the school and threaten the kids that bullied me. In the long run I think he just made it worse."
"Why would anyone bully you?" I asked. Even when we first met, Kat was the sweetest person to everyone around her. I couldn't imagine anyone picking on her.
"I was a nerd. And shy. It didn't help that they all knew who my dad was, and that he wasn't around often."
"For the record, I love your nerdy side," I told her. "And you certainly aren't shy anymore."
Kat was a social butterfly backstage. Everyone in the locker room loved her as far as I could tell. It was a different place than when I had left. Back in the day, Kat got grouped in with all the shit Paul and I got into. While I was gone she was able to make connections for herself.
"I can be," she admitted. "I'm not shy around you because I'm comfortable with you."
"I'm actually really proud of how much you've broken out of your shell," I said. "I can still remember when you were too embarrassed to kiss me in public."
A small smile grew on her face at the memory. "That feels like so long ago. We were so young... Well, I was."
"Yikes, low blow." I cringed. "I didn't even do anything to deserve that."
Kat giggled. "You're right, that one was uncalled for. But it doesn't make it untrue."
I sighed dramatically. "You're so mean to me. And after all I do for you. I'm here slaving away in the kitchen so that you can have a nice meal."
Kat hopped off the counter and kissed me sweetly. "Better?"
A smile spread across my face. "I don't know, I think we'll have to try again." I leaned in for a longer kiss. "Now I'm better."
Kat and I spent a little more time walking down memory lane while the food cooked. It didn't take long before we were sitting at the dining table, finishing up our meal. It wasn't 5 star restaurant material, but I thought it was decent.
"Are there any other hobbies or hidden talents I should know about?" I asked Kat. I'd told her about my new skills, but she hadn't said much about hers.
"I've tried lots of stuff, but nothing really sticks. My latest attempt was knitting, and I made actual monstrosities."
"They can't have been that bad."
"Trust me, they were. I've never seen anyone screw up a scarf that badly," she said. "I have kinda stuck with scrapbooking. You know I keep all my pictures. I have some baby books of Scottie."
One glance around Kat's home was enough to tell that she loved pictures. It seemed like every wall had a framed photograph. Most were of Scottie, but some were of Kat and her friends. Lots with Steph and Paul, plenty with Joli, and even a few with the second generation of DX boys.
I had only ever seen probably one picture of Scottie as a baby. I only knew her as the energetic four year old she was now. "Can I see them?"
"Of course," Kat answered.
While Kat went to find her old scrapbooks, I cleared the table. I hoped that by taking on the task of making dinner I had made one less thing for Kat to worry about. As of late, it was easy to see she had been feeling pretty stressed.
I joined her on the couch to look at these old memories. When I sat down, Kat leaned into me and opened the first book. The pages were filled with pictures, stickers, and little notes Kat had written.
"These are from the day she was born," she said.
There was a picture of newborn Scottie, red faced and wrapped in a pink blanket, laying in Kat's arms. Kat was gazing down at her like she was the entire would. There were other pictures of Scottie by herself, with Joli and Stephanie, and even one with Linda holding her.
Kat turned the page. "She's a couple months old here, and already has Dad wrapped around her finger."
The page was filled with pictures of Vince holding Scottie at their home and carrying her around arenas. My favorite was the one that showed both of them fast asleep in was I assumed was Vince's armchair.
There were so many. Scottie's first Christmas, her first birthday. Her first teeth, her first steps. More birthdays, and so many milestones. All things I wasn't there to witness.
"I can't believe I missed all of this." I had subconsciously pulled the book into my lap, and was slowly flipping through pages. "I wish I could have been there for both of you."
I had failed to be there for both of my children in their early lives. For Cam, I attended the birthdays and the Christmases, but I hadn't been present like I should have been. For Scottie, I just wasn't there. I wasn't sure which was worse.
"It was so hard to keep her from you. Especially when her eyes are just like yours. I saw more of you in her every day," Kat said. She looked down at a picture of herself with Scottie, only a few months old. I guessed Stephanie had taken that one. "But I still think it was the right decision. I just hope you don't hate me for it."
I couldn't believe she thought I would hold a grudge against her. Leaving me was, in my opinion, the smartest and strongest thing Kat had ever done. I wished I hadn't pushed her to that point, but it was the best option for her and our daughter at the time.
"Kat, I could never hate you for that. I'm proud of you for it. Do you know how much maturity it takes to make that kind of decision? A lot more than I had back then."
Kat looked up at me, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "I feel like I took all these memories from you."
"Kat, you're an amazing mother for raising Scottie the way you did. Both of us needed time to grow. I get that now. The Lord had different paths for us so we could be where we are now. I'm so proud of you, not just as a mother but as a woman."
Every word I said was true, and I could tell each one meant a lot to Kat. I wiped the tears from her eyes as they started flowing.
"Thank you," she finally said. It was all she needed to say. I knew what she was feeling because I felt the same way. At peace with where our relationship was. Grateful that it could ever be this healthy and understanding.
I just wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on the top of hers as she burrowed her face into my neck. We stayed like that for a while, just providing comfort to each other.
There was just one thing that I couldn't get off my mind. "You know what Scottie told me earlier?"
"Hmm?"
"She doesn't want us to leave."
Kat pulled away from our embrace just enough to face me. "You know, maybe I should take some time off. We're both away so much. This much travel isn't good for her at this age."
"If that's what you want to do, talk to your dad. He'll understand." I held her hand and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. "Take Scottie back to San Antonio. She'll have space to play, and my parents are around the corner if you need anything."
"I don't know, Shawn. I just don't know what to do."
"You're not happy on the road," I said. I'm not telling you to give up on your dream, but I can tell you've been debating this for a while. I think you'll be much more at peace at home with Scottie. It'll bring some stability to her life. Hell, it'll bring stability to all our lives. You won't have to be constantly flying your mom out here or taking Scottie with us."
"You're right," she said. "I'm not happy on the road. It's not your fault, or Paul's, but I feel so terrible about leaving Scottie for long periods of time. When Leslie was here it was easier; I didn't have to worry about who was watching her. My schedule is also busier since our storyline started. I'm away for longer and it hurts every time I have to leave her."
"I know what you mean. The more I get to know her, the less I want to go."
"I think I might be done," Kat said. "Scottie will be starting school this year. I want to be the one raising her. I don't want to just hand her off to my mother every week."
"How long until your contract runs out?"
"The end of the year."
"Tell your dad you want to limit appearances, and if you don't want to re-sign at the end of the year, then don't," I suggested. "You've got to do what will make you happy. Not what you think will make your dad happy, or me, or even Joli. What do you want to do?"
Kat had a tendency to put everyone else's needs before her own. It was time she thought about herself first.
"I want to be home with Scottie," she admitted. "I want to sell this house and move back to San Antonio."
"Then that's what we'll do." If that was the path Kat wanted to take, I would do everything in my power to make it happen. "When we get a few days off in a row, we'll start packing."
"Thank you, Shawn."
"For what?"
"Everything," she said. She kissed my softly before resting her head on my shoulder.
We spent the rest of the evening looking through the old scrapbooks and enjoying each other's company. No matter what decisions Kat made regarding our future, I was going to support her through them.
-----
-A/N-
A 3k word Remind Me chapter?? In this economy?? I can't explain how good it feels to be writing for this book again. Every time I come back, it's like coming home.
Here's my meme for this time: