My family makes me feel like a ocean
Only beautiful only enjoyable
When I'm watered down
-growing up with ADHD
—————————————————————-
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning
It's sudden it hits me like a wave shoving me underwater
I'm trying to breath
Trying to swim
But I'm stuck
Sometimes my body feels heavy
But empty at the same time
Like I'm carrying the weight
Of everything I lost
Sometimes all I can bring myself to do is sit under my desk and stare into nothing
I don't want to write
I don't want to talk
I don't want a hug
I want to not exist for even just a moment
I want to scream, scream as loud as I can punch the wall smash some glass
So you can see
How much damage you have caused
———————————————————-
I don't feel like me anymore
I feel like the kid you assaulted
And nothing more
Sometimes breathing reminds me of you
Cause we both breathe
I can't escape it
I never can
I've tried
I've sprinted
But I can't get away from it
Because u won't fucking admit it
—————————————————————-
Merry Christmas
I hope you have an excellent time at my grandparents house
20 minutes away from me
23 kilometres distance
Between me and the hands that wrongfully stole my innocents
I know you have to be thinking of me
My pictures are up at your parents house
I'm unavoidable
I hope all you get for Christmas is overwhelming
Inescapable
Guilt
For turning a sweet kid into a problem
An annoying
A depressed
A mentally I'll
A unfocused
Problematic
Lazy
Lifeless
Corpse that's somehow walking
I hate who I am
I love who I could have been
If you didn't mold my mind with knives
Instead of gentle hands
—————————————————————-
I wonder who I would have been
If you didn't push me on a diffrent track
I was athletic
I was in dance and sports
I was smart I had wonderful grades
I was mostly well liked
Yes I'm comparing myself to someone not even in second grade
Cause I was on the right track
Although I endured trauma I forgot what it was
I wonder who I would have been if you didn't mold me into a different person every holiday when your hands touched me instead of Christmas presents
I wonder who I would have been if you didn't fuck up my development
If I hadent spent middle years in hospital
If I didn't have to fight to simply live
If I didn't have to ghost my family
If I wasn't mentally I'll
If I didn't have adhd
If I was everything I could have been
Before I was molested as a kid
—————————————————————-
I hate you
Not the kind of hate where I just don't like you or the kind when I'm being dramatic
I hate you
Really truly
With every cell in my body
Hate you
And it's the kind of anger the kind of rage
That overflows
It drowns everything else in my life
And all I feel is anger
Since I was 11
I go to therapy
I go to my psychiatrist
I take my meds
I do the worksheets
I try so hard
And for awhile I feel better
But it always come back
And what I've come to find out
Is it always will
My therapist told me one this will keep happening the depressive episodes
The crisis I'll learn to cope with them but I'll always have them
Every time you decided to touch me
To abuse me
You altered my brain development
And I have to live with it
When I'm university
When I'm a mom
When I'm a therapist
When I'm adult
This feeling will always show up
The flashbacks
The feeling so disgusting I actually puke
The dissociation
The depression
The anxiety
The everything else fucked up with my brain
That's because of you
You weren't my creator
But it was your hands that wired me this way
Its weird that someone that used to attend my birthday partys
Is the reason I've almost not had a next one
You aren't god
But you flooded me with water
Until I couldn't breath
You created the ocean I'll always be somewhat drowning in
—————————————————————-
To you it's over it's a closed case
But this is book I'm always reading
The pages your closing are the pages I'm living in
This doesn't end for me
It never does
You were my one chance of closing a chapter I almost died in
But u added a semicolon
It just keeps going
And going
And now she gets to breathe fresh air
She's celebrating a close call
And I'm thinking about when my life ending was a close call
How hard I had to fight
How strong I had to be to finally speak
Even when my dad tried to silence me
Guilt trip me
You'll be a grandma one day
That thought makes me sick
You will be a grandma
Living your life
And no one will know
because of you I'm fighting for mine
What now
What do I do now
—————————————————————-
For a year
I've been told just wait
The crown will make a decison soon
Keep going you will get justice
Ive been surviving to get the answers
I almost died asking
What now
You walk away free
The case is over
What next
I just live my life
You just live your life
You grow old become a grandma
You have Christmas with the whole family
I'm the one living in a jail trapped
No choice but to what move on
Move on from the biggest part of me
Move on from the hands that strangled me
I still have more memories to uncover but nothing to do with them
Case closed
You closed the pages
I got millions of paper cuts trying to open
What now
I got the answers to the questions
I almost died asking
What do I do
How can I live with this
Knowing
You got away with murder
You killed the innocent part of me
Yet I'm the one imprisoned
Nothing I can do
Hands tied
—————————————————————-
Cemetery
My heart has always felt so heavy
It wasn't until now I realized
It's because apart of me
My innocence
Is baried 6 feet under ground
—————————————————————-
Shared dna
I tried everything
I cut my hair I dyed it
I cut it more
Grew it out
I Pierced my skin
My nose my ears
Anything to not look like you
Anything to hide the fact we share the same blood
—————————————————————-
Envy
Your other nieces love you
They look up to you
They think of u as the fun aunt
The person they can talk to
I'm so happy for them
I'm so happy for you having fun and living freely while I'm trying to scrub my skin clean
From the traces you left a decade ago
—————————————————————-
Impatient
Every day I wake up in hope
That i won't think of you
Every wish I cast
Is a plea to heal from what you did to me
I want to heal
But if I heal doesn't that mean
What you did was okay?
—————————————————————-
Stomach flu
Sometimes I feel sick
When I remember you are able to think of me
I feel as if you shouldn't be allowed to
—————————————————————-
Shape shift
Sometimes I feel like the mirror is a shape shifting device
Because somehow when I look at it
I only see you
-being sexually assaulted by your own blood
—————————————————————-
I swear to god sometimes when I think of you for a second
Parts of me die my heart stops beating
My organs shrivel up
And I'm nothing but the little girl
You assaulted
—————————————————————-
All the birthdays
All the Christmas's
The Easter's
The games
The hugs
You knew
You knew what you did
You knew how it was affecting me
Or how it would
How can you tell someone you love them
Knowing your the reason they can't love themselves
—————————————————————-
Passed down
Like a chronic illness that has u in a choke hold
It gets passed down
Like a disease
It's hard to be angry at you
Knowing you are a victim too
I'm still angry at you I always will be
But the part of me that will always care about others before myself
Hopes your okay
If molesting me made you feel like you got your innocence back I'm happy for you
I will live without my innocence I will live with this whole in my chest
Because I never want someone else's innocence
I will not continue this pattern even if everyone else is
It runs in the family
Evil in my very blood
Your evil now
But to who you were as a child I want to hug you
And steer you in a direction that wouldn't make you hit me with the car
I want to go to whoever started this cycle
I want to beat them to a pulp
Because centuries later
This family
Is still infected
Still diseased
—————————————————————-
I can't go to my own grandmas funeral
And my dad won't be able to go there and heal without seeing someone who hurt me
I'm so sorry
I ruined family events for everyone I'm so sorry
That I spoke up for myself and disgregarded ur feelings
I'm so sorry that grandma won't get her whole family at her funeral because
I can't stand one person
And if I go that means my abuser isn't which mean grandma doesn't get her grand daughter
I'm ruining everything
I ruin things
I should have kept my mouth shut
Auntie was right
Please forgive me I'm so fucking sorry please
I didn't choose this
Please I didn't mean for this to happen
Please I didn't ask to be molested
Please belive me
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm sorry
—————————————————————-
Poetry about being alive but suicidal
Like a dog in a kennel longing to run through the grass feel the breeze against ur skin
But u cant, it's not even a option because when u get to do that is out of your control
That's how I feel. Wanting to die but my parents took the knifes the cords, went through my room and I'm trapped in a life I don't want to be living,
Continuously Shot, in pain but u won't die stuck alive in pain with the bullet wounds
Claustrophobic in ur own skin that somehow doesn't even feel like yours, because someone stole apart of you.
I know the world needs me in it I've heard that but I don't the need the world
The same world who gave me these scars the same world that hurt me like this
One thing I crave more than anything else in the world is to die but I'm in cage
Longing to leave
To flea
This pain
But I can't
If I could I would believe me but
I can't
—————————————————————-
You are safe here no need to worry you know these people you are safe I promise
I promise?.. I trusted her even when her hands were on my body I trusted her when she told me this was just a bath
I trusted her when she said she needed to wash other places... I even trusted her when she started to ask me things like do u like that
So no mom I'm not safe I don't trust anybody anymore
I think that was when my voice left me when I was 7 I mean I have a voice but it's not mine it's not the truth it's not what I want to say,
—————————————————————-
The darkness is coming back
It's starting to be familiar again
I want to escape it again
But this time I wonder if I'm the darkness and that's why I can never escape it
Maybe i have to kill the darkness even if that means I go with it
All I want is the pain to end this never ending cycle
Am I giving up again? Am I going to give in to all of my urges?
—————————————————————-